Ok, well Im better. I had serious post Harry Potter let down. I just kind of stumbled through my week, bored and listless. I usually go through this a few days after a HP book becuase nothing else seems to measure up to the wonderfulness of the book. This one was a little more severe as it was the last. So, I've been keeping to myself, and just sticking close to home.

On Wednesday though, I did go to the Botanical Gardens with my sister, mom and the kids. We had a good time. It was a free day, and it was BEAUTIFUL out.

We did have an incident with Aislinn near the end. All I can say is, that girl better go into acting or something.

We were leaving and she ran pell mell toward a water fountain, and was rude to a few people on the way, pushing past people etc. She slams into the water fountain, being overdramatic about her thirst. I was embarrassed so I thumped her on the head, and said something like "Cool it or something"

She then lets out a WAIL of pain, GRABS her head and falls dramatically on the floor. She proceeds to cower from me, and yell OW THAT HURT!! OW! and holds her hands up at her head as if I was going to rain blows upon her at any given second.

I was mortified. I was so mortifed that instead of being mad, I tried to placate her, which was the WRONG thing to do, but people were staring, and my mom said it DID look like I had knocked her down and slapped her around when she came out of the bathroom, just from seeing Aislinn's positioning on the floor. I sputtered to my mom "I... I.... just THUMPED her"

That girl. I swear she is going to put me in the nuthouse or jail one of these days.

Today has been an emotional day for me.

I finished reading the last Harry Potter book, and earlier I watched a great film Apocolypto. Both of these things have given me a great insight into our human spirit. Although we all flawed creatures, as humans we have the greatest gift of all... to love. Fully and without restraint... we can chose to love, and fight for love, and die for love.

I sit here, throat knotting up with sobs. I've cried a lot today.

I am afraid to write to much, as I don't want to ruin Harry Potter for anyone. So I end here. Just go on everyone loving those around us. Love your children, love your husbands, love the sky, the moon, the wind.

Love is the answer to everything we are.

Go forth today and love forever. Love is never a mistake, or something you will regret. If you have one time loved a person who you know longer love, that is ok. Love is never an accident.

Life at the ranch has been anything but fun. My seasonal depression has hit full blown. Just one more month to get over and done with then I should be ok again. It's hard, going three months out of twelve feeling the way I've been feeling. At least this year, with the meds, I'm only slightly crazy, as opposed to last year this time when you couldn't look at me without me screaming for twenty minutes. Basically, it's like I have pms ALL the time. I sleep more, I need to be alone more, I yell more, I'm lazier, moodier, more paranoid and anxious. All my healthful ways have gone down the toilet. I lost 14 lbs only to gain back half of it in two months.

So, this is DEFINETLY not the time for Tony's work to be so stressing. He's working 10 hours a day six days a week, coming home, doing homework and then going to bed. It's been wearing me down. Not so much becuase I need him here to HELP me, I just need HIM to be HIM. The him I knew before all this shit at work started going down. I know this sounds horribly selfish, as I know he's the only doing the work, and getting yelled at and all that jazz (insert jazz hands here) but, it's been hard on all of us. People are always quick to point out that he's the one who's working, but they don't see Aislinn crying at 9 at night wondering when he's going home, or the kids crying in the window on a Saturday as they watch him leave. It's all too much.

Between work, school, kids, and misc stuff, this has left no time for the two of us. Which sucks.

Today though, he came home, and he rubbed my back and massaged a little. He said he was sorry that he hasnt been giving me enough attention (which is amazing since with all the bitching I've been doing, I never told him that out of pride) and that he will try harder.

Those words were like a band aid for my heart. It had gotten bad, with me sleeping in the living room and everything. Everything our marriage USED to be, was now the opposite, and I didn't know how to deal. He being a man, thought everything was ok. Men=stupid.

It had gotten so bad, I discussed today with my friends where I could go and take the kids. I thought about actually LEAVING him over this.... this... not there thing he had going on.

I think though we may be on an upswing. We only have three more months and then we're out of here.

Yesterday I took Aislinn to the Fox Theater to see The Lion King. It was a very nice mommy and Aisy evening.

We walk in, and of course right in the middle of the floor as soon as you walk in are souveniers. I offered to buy Aislinn a shirt (as hello, when are we going to do THIS again?) she looked at all the things, and picked of all things... a keychain. Man that girl cracks me up. She doesn't even onw keys. I threw in some pencils to round out the fun, and got myself a coffee mug. We walked around the theater and ooh'ed and ahh'ed over its grandeur. It's a very old, very ornate theater. As long as I have lived here, I have never been. We did a bathroom run, and we took pics and got our snacks.

We sat down, and the opening scene brought tears to my eyes. I'm a bit of a sap that way, even the cartoon gives me a lump, but seeing it live. Wow. The "animals" came down the aisle during the opening scene where they all come to be introduced to Simba as an infant. I kicked myself for not getting tickets down there. If you get an opportunity, please please go see this. It was amazing!! During the opening of act 2 they had people sparsed throughout the theater flying birds. One woman was standing at the end of aisle, singing and waving her bird around. Very cool. The costumes are phenominal. They way they did it is part beauty part engineering wonder. My personal favorite was the cheetah. A man wore a cheetah from his waist, his two legs were the back legs. His head was connected to the cheetahs head. So everything he did head wise, the cheetah did as well. Amazing. Everytime Mufasah and Scar lowered their heads, the headresses they were lowered over their faces. Two people wore stilts on both hands AND feet to make giraffes. I felt especially bad for the hyenas. They spent the whole play in hunched over positions. Could not be comfortable. They used people to represent plants. Very cool.

Aislinn was entranced. She didnt even want to get up to pee until intermission.

Yet another reason why Wal-Mart sucks.

Good thing they have the whole LOW LOW prices going for them, or I swear I'd never shop there.

Just a little FYI. If you have to go to a baby shower, and say the recipient registers at Wal-mart and Guns for Tykes, just shop at the the gun store, because trying to find shit at Wal-mart is impossible.

I wasn't even aware that Wal-mart allowed you to register there. I guess rednecks need a place to their bridal Nascar bedding somewhere. Anyway, so when I got the invite it said registered at Wal-mart and Babies R Us. (note to future shower throwers, putting where the person is REGISTERED... big no no. I'm not too hip on manners, but this is just saying "Hey buy gifts" It's a shower, we get it, we know we have to buy gifts, and I know that I can call to see where recipient is registered) I looked at both registries online, and noticed that no on bought anything at Wal-mart. I figured.. well since no one bought there, and its open later I'll go there. They had to have registered there for a reason right?

Oh. My. God. I wanted to go to the sporting good section and buy a gun and SHOOT myself. One thing about Wal-Mart is.... their stores VARY greatly on what they have at each store. The person having the baby lives in a predominently white middle class area. Which means, they have NICER stuff out there. Here in ole RacialDiverseton, our Wal-Marts don't get a lot of that fancy high falutin' crap.

I couldn't find ONE thing on this womans list. OH wait, I did find one thing..... A baby on board sign. WHAT THE FUCK?!? Who still makes those, and REALLY who still WANTS those? The possibility of someone SEEING that and then quits driving like a douchebag hopped up on a speedball is pretty nil. But, this person (who is having the baby) does like her holiday sweaters... so I guess it fits.

SEE??!!!??? That's how mad I am at Wal-mart!! I just insulted a really nice pregnant lady and her fucking holiday sweaters. Staring at tiny UPC codes will do that to you.

Lucky for me, Carter has whored itself out to the poor, and has a line of clothing made for Wal Mart. Double lucky for me, a shit ton of them were on the clearance rack.

Tony is mad at me. Really, really mad at me. Honestly, I can't remember when he's been this mad at me. He's not one to hold a grudge, but he seems to be doing just that.

Big sigh.

Today, my sisters and I wanted to go see Harry Potter. I told them that I had no idea when Tony would be home. We said if we couldn't make it today, we'd go tomorrow. After talking about it with Tony, and Tony saying he'd probably leave from work around 6, since he had three days of late nights. Which means he should have gotten home around 7:3o at the latest. Of course, that doesn't happen, and we miss the movie. Not really a BIG deal, but annoying.

When shit like this happens, I can't help but feel trapped. Trapped in this whole thing with no way out. I love my husband, and I love the life we have, but it gets TIRING. I get tired of having to constantly put my life on hold for his job. With the military, our family will never come first, and I have ten very long years of this ahead of me.

When he came home he asked if I was going. I said no and told him he needed to be home earlier blah blah blah etc. He offered to take me tomorrow, and I declined and said that my sisters and I are still going. But, here is where it gets bad. He got mad at ME for being disappointed. I didn't yell, sure I was upset, and irked, but I wasn't mean about it, or bitchy. I just told him I wasn't going and why. He stomps around and acts all pissy, and once again, makes life about him again. I don't care what he thinks about himself, but he is a fucking drama whore. My sister asked me to call him again, and I was like Ummm well, no, and she jokingly said I was scared of my husband. I said "WEll, yeah, I am becuase this job makes him like a bitch, and anything can set him off" I don't want to pester him when he's already stressed, and I DON'T want to be yelled at. I'm not afraid for my life, but I've just learned it's just not worth arguing over it, as there is nothing he can do about it, and me bringing MY needs to the forefront only makes him feel worse, and he lashes out at ME since he can't lash out anywhere else. It really, really sucks. The space between us is getting bigger and bigger. I've stopped fighting for me and the family, and he's taken full advantage of that.

We get into it a bit, and I apologized for not booking two montsh in advance. He said if I had just TOLD him earlier (I did) then it wouldnt have been an issue. I told him maybe if he hadnt stopped by the house today, and farted around, he could have gotten his shit done and been home at a decent hour. I told him I didn't want anything from him but a fucking apology, and maybe for once, when he sees Im TRYING to be patient and understanding he not get mad at me for being disappointed.

God, Im so mad I cant even fucking get this story out right.

Anyway, he cooled down, and then apologized and all was good. We started to watch a movie. The Farmer Astronaut and there is a scene where the wife is yelling at her DH thatthe whole family is investing so much into this "dream" that only serves one person in the end.

I couldn't help it.

I know I shouldn't have said it.

But, I did.

I blurted out "Amen sister!"

Yipes.

His neck swiveled around so fast at me, I immediately felt flushed. He had a bag of cheetos, and he threw them down on the floor, and stormed off.

I will admit though... as much as I know that was a below the belt punch, it felt good.

This is what my marriage has become. We used to be a couple who would duke it out if something went wrong. Something inside me has just up and died and has resorted to pissy little comments to get my point across. It's unfair, it's low, it's bitchy, but I just can't help it. I dont know if I've accepted that nothing I say will matter, and I have more bitterness about it then I should or what. I hate this, and I hate what our marriage has become. It has gotten increasingly worse in the last few months. I'm just one in a long line of people that need something from him.

He's not talking to me, and I can't say I blame him.

Where the hell has July gone? Holy Christ. It seems like summer just fucking started and it's almost over. I'm sitting here wondering why my face is so damn oily, and I realize... hello it's almost PMS. ALREADY? It seems just like yesterday I was writing about having my period. Holy shit!!


God, Im thinking of all the things we need to get done around here before we move.

I'm really concerned about the dog next door. It's been HOT, and the people have left her outside everday, without food or water. For awhile, we've been giving her water, using one of my "good" bowls. It was the only bowl I had that was big enough, and I knew she couldn't tear up. Over the weekend, the guy TOOK MY FUCKING BOWL, moved it by the door, (we had it by the fence so we could add water) and has yet to fill it up. The dog is getting skinnier by the day. The thing is... we REALLY want the dog, but we can't have a dog. I think I need to talk to Tony and have him either talk to the landlord, or we just need to call Animal Control. :( It's selfish for us to want to keep her around. She's such a good dog, and we all love her very much. I have been trying to convince my mom to take her.

Sigh.

This was a blissful weekend filled with.... NOTHING. It was nice. We hung out here, we went fishing, me and Aislinn went to my moms to swim, and then I later took the kids shopping with me while Tony worked on the van (that fucking piece of shit I swear). We grilled some amazing kabobs, and Tony grilled about fifty bratwursts he plans on eating for lunch this week. Whatever dude, thats a lot of sausage for one man. Then again, he IS a sailor, they like their sausage (gay jokes on his expense never get old).

It was just nice. Nice not having to rush around getting four people ready for anything, because you know, they can't do it themselves... ever. I didn't know that being a cruise director was part of the mom list of duties. Take for instance yesterday, we decided to go fishing. I couldn't pull Tony away from Nintendo, or get Aislinn dressed. They just lounged. Finally at five I was like "Hello are we going or WHAT?" Tony snapped out of nerd-vana and was like "Oh it's five already?" Yeah it is dumb ass. By the time we get it together, the bait shop was closed, and we had to buy some half dead mealworms from a convenience store. Tony trekked us through what Jonny calls "The spooky forest" to get to this really disgusting spot. But, we had a really good time, and by the end we had gummy bears and licorice on our hooks. The reasoning was maybe, just maybe the fish were sick of worms, and bugs, and something good like CANDY would make them bite. Didn't work. Iknow I would bite on a hook for a gummy worm, but then again I don't like worms either.

Right now Im just chilling out on our patio, music playing softly, game of Virtual Villagers running in the background. I smell of Off, and I couldn't be happier. Yes, that sound? That sound is the sigh of my contentment.

I have heard the gamut of advice on how to raise my daughter. I really have. People don't get that she is who she is, and no matter what I do, short of beating her, is NOT going to change that.

It really bothers me that people could potentially see my daughter as a spoiled brat, but it's not my daughter and the way she acts that bothers me, it's the people who see her that way. The people who can't see that she is a PERSON, and because she doesn't act how people think she SHOULD, then they just write her off as just another bratty kid.

This really burns my ass. It really, really does. It just shows me who is closed minded and who is not. I have one really "difficult" kid, and one really mellow one. Both raised the same, both two completely different children. Aislinn was born dramatic. I don't know if was the dramatic birth, or maybe the loud heavy metal music I listened to when she was in my tummy, but she came out angry at the world. At this point I wouldn't have her any other way.

Sure, she was/is difficult. Right now, she is crying because her hands are hot. Yes, her hands, they are hot. They make her Ninendo hot, and she hasn't gotten that HOLDING AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE is what is making her hands hot. I just sympathize the best I can, and she is trying really hard not to get me involved, because she knows this is HER issue. But, try to imagine telling a 3, 4, 0r 5 year old that her hands are hot for whatever reason, and she WONT CARE! MOMMY, JUST MAKE MY HANDS NOT HOT!! At seven she knows, but that wasn't always the case.

Aislinn has always had many ticks and weirdies. She doesn't like tight clothing, or socks, or tennis shoes. She can't stand to be sticky, to the point where she refuses to dry her hands when she washes them, because drying them makes the oil come off her hands, and makes them stick. If she is wearing a swimming suit, no one is allowed to touch her anywhere that her swimsuit covers. YOU CAN NOT TOUCH HER..... EVER! People see this as me "giving in" I see this as respecting my daughters wishes about HER ticks and weirdies. If you had an adult that didn't like to shake hands becuase of germs, would you MAKE them do it becuase you felt exposing that person to your germs would help them "get over it?" No, you wouldn't.

She questions EVERYTHING. Even when you're red in the face, so pissed you could just tear your hair out, she'll still want to know why she can't do something. If you tell her "Becuase I said so" she'll even offer you REASONS why she shouldn't touch something. Because I said so just doesn't make sense to her. Annoying as a child? Fuck yeah, but as an adult don't we always think and rethink and want to know why something is, before trusting a person blindly?

Yes, should she listen? Sure, and she gets in trouble when she doesn't, because I also want to teach her that her actions have consequences. Don't listen to mom? Trouble for you missy! But, deep down I know that this girl is going to BE something becuase of that wonderful, questioning brain.

I'm ok with that. She's a stubborn, bull headed control freak. Just like me, but I don't want her to have to find that out later in life, when it's too late.

There is a mini debate going on on one of my boards about church. A member is visiting her mom and her mom mentioned church. She is no longer religous and feels uncomfortable about going. It's pretty divided, some say you shouldn't go if you don't believe, and other say just do it for your mom's sake.

It's always interesting to me how people feel, which has brought my religious questions to the forefront.

Why am I against church so much?

I mean, there are the obvious reasons, like their view on gays, and the womans right to do what she wants with her body, but I think the defining moment for me was about 7 years ago. I was pregnant with Aislinn, and Tony and I went to Washington DC to sightsee. We went to one of the Smithsonians and there was and exhibit about religion. Up until this point, I was just to lazy to go to church. I liked sleeping in, and in Norfolk and surrounding areas, there weren't that many Catholic churches, which seemed odd to me, growing up in a predominently Catholic city, where you couldn't go a mile without hitting a Catholic church. Anyway, I was reading this thing about the Vatican. I read a study that was done that said 75% of Catholics thought that using some form of birth control was acceptable, yet the Pope declared it wrong, therefore, in order to be a good Catholic you weren't allowed to use them. I always thought I was in the minority about that. I just assumed Catholics didn't use BC and that was that, and I was going to burn in hell for all eternity. To see it in black and white, that YES, they'd love to use birth control, and then for ONE man, ONE man who never had a wife or children, or anything to say no, and that it is so. Well, that just sat wrong with me.

That was when my views changed... drastically.

For a long time, I probably went to far to the other side. I always believed in God, but I railed against organized relgion. As time as worn on, I can see the postives of church. Instant community, bringing hope to all those that go etc. Yet, for me, it's still not something I feel comfortable with just yet.

I haven't tried to push religion on my kids. We talk about God sure, and we have had discussions about Jesus. Aislinn is very interested in it, which has made me want to expose her in some way, but I'm not sure how I want to do that just yet, especially in a way that makes ME feel comfortable. I just don't believe the bible is still something we can follow to the book. It brings a good message sure, but in my opinion there is only one thing you need to know from teh bible to live a good and just life.

"Treat others the way you would want to be treated"

Plain and simple. All religions have this rule, and to me, that is all that matters. One common theme to that each of them have running through them. Plainly put, Be Nice.

There, now you all owe me money since I've shown you the way. Be nice people. That's it. I'll take my Cadillac and heavily armed compound out in teh country now.

Happy 4th people!!!

Right now, I'm listening to about a billion fireworks going off in my area.

Yesterday, we did the fireworks show. Kids love fireworks, but as an adult, I find that they're just boring. They always look the same. Jonny loved them though, and would point to the sky and yell "YES!! ALRIGHT" He was really, really into them. Aislinn, she sat on my lap the whole time with her fingers in her ears. She just really hates loud noises. I sympathize as I do too. Plus, the flashiness of the fireworks always gives me a headache.

Today, I woke up at ONE THIRTY!! I couldn't believe it!! I thought it was like 10 at the latest. I don't feel bad because obviously I needed it. I didn't wake up at all this morning, and I felt refreshed when I did get up. We were supposed to go to a party that started at noon. I felt bad, so I told Tony to call them and tell them I had a migraine and couldnt make it. He said "Well, Jonny has a fever, so we probably shouldn't go anyway." I felt Jonny's little head, and yep sure enough, my baby was sick. :( I gave him some Tylenol and we all laid in bed and watched Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. About 3:30 or so Jonny started to bug me about me going to the party, so we hurriedly got ready (after making sure we weren't too late) and headed out there. The party was being thrown by our friends mom. She is a super nice lady, and has always been so sweet to my kids in the past. She found love through a personal ad, and luckily enough for her, the guy ended up being LOADED. He is such a nice guy too. We're driving through her neighborhood, and me and Tony are all "Holy shit look at that house" over and over. I have NEVER SEEN houses like this before. Straight mansions!!! They have the smallest house in the neighhborhood (but trust me, it's nothing to sniff at) and it's GORGEOUS. Wrap around porch, lots of yard (that her DH cuts with a PUSH MOWER FOR THE EXERCISE!) and just all around beautiful. This how great this lady is... she went out, and got all new outdoor games, about 1o NICE squirt guns for the kids, a sprinkler, the whole works. We had a lot of fun. The kids were great. We had to give Jonny some Tylenol when we got there, and by the time we left it was wearing off.

I've been feeling a little better. I've been making sure I'm wearing my mask at night to get good sleep which has helped tremendously. Yeah, I havent been wearing the sleep mask often, don't ask me why. I couldn't tell you why. For a long time, it was aggravating my skin, but seems to have stopped, and I was waking up more with it on, than off. Losing the weight (the littel I had lost) was making my sleeping much easier without it. But, now I've packed on some of the weight, so it's helpful.

Tony and I are much better. He has really been trying, as much as he can. Even though he had homework to do last night, he took time to play a game of Sorry with Aislinn and I. Aislinn won. SHe is the Sorry champion. It's so fun now that she is old enough to play games with. I admit, before, a game of Candy Land could send me over the edge with her. She wasn't a RULE FOLLOWER and that is the biggest offense in my book. PLAY BY THE RULES. Poor Aislinn with her unimaginative mother who wouldn't allow her to play willy nilly on the Candy Land board. But, she played well last night. Not expecting us to cut her slack because she's younger. She was even sweet, not wanting to get a Sorry card so she wouldn't have to bump anyone. Getting mad at me or Tony if we targeted each other. We explained to her that it was part of the game, and that even though we may act upset (You know, yelling the typical YOU ASS!) we're really not, and it's all part of the fun. We did try not to bump her too much, as it was her first time playing. The best $15 I spent in a long time.

Speaking of games, when did games get so lame? Really, there hasn't been any new games that seem fun. If anyone has suggestions, I'd like to hear them. The only thing I could find really was Trouble (and I really don't like that game, as we played it A LOT as kids) she is too young for Life or Clue. But, now all these games are either a total marketing tie in with something. (Littlest Pet shop, Thomas the Train etc) or have some form of electronic device (DVD) that you need. What is up with that? I guess the Classics are Classics for a reason right?

It's midnight....

And I'm avoiding my husband. How sad is that? Are things better between he and I? A little, but I can't help but be a little snarky and rude, which isn't helping things any. I'm trying, I really am, but I just have little interest in him right now. I'm chalking it up to one of the many ebbs and flows of a relationship, and just assume it will work itself out in the end. It always does. Right? RIGHT?!?

Well, I went and done something wild and crazy this week. About as wild and crazy as it gets for me... I dyed my hair. Red. I like it a lot actually. My hair is just too weird for any of these cute haircuts. It's thin, it curls, if you cut it too short, the ends poke out all funny. I have just come to accept that my hair will just be either a thin mass of slopey lazy curls, and there really is only ONE way to cut it. Yet, I am sick of it. So, I dyed it. First time in probably four years. It came out pretty cute, and it's going to take some getting used to, but overall I am pleased.

The kids are well. Jonny did something very awesome today, he actually took his pull up off, peed in the potty, and then asked me to put his pull up back on. This was right before bed time. I was so ecstatic I squeezed him extra hard. It was cute to hear his tiny voice say "Mommy you're squishing me" Then, when I went on about how proud I was of him he said "But, you squished me all up" He thought my squish was becuase I was mad. I dont know why, as I've never used squishing as a form of punishment before. LOL Funny how their minds work.

Aislinn... sigh. Well, she is doing well physically. But, today let's see, she was grounded from her nintendo, after having it for a few hours yesterday, after being grounded from it for like 10 days. She was forbidden to go into the basement today, since when I asked her to please get me something from down there, she fussed about "being scared" even though she was JUST down there for an hour. I got Jonny to go with her, and I hear her telling him there are bugs down there (he is AFRAID of bugs) and next thing I know, he's running past me going AAAAAHHHHH and she's smirking because she got out of doing what I told her to do. But, I made her do it anyway, and because she was so scared, I told her she couldnt go down there all day. That about killed her as teh big tv and the computer are down there.

I jetted on the family today. Just couldnt handle it. I went to see my sisters new apartment, and just be with my family. It was nice, and we hit a WENDY'S on the way back. All the Wendy's had closed down here in St. Louis, so this was an awesome treat, even though they no longer have the Big Bacon Classic. Hello, why get rid of anything that has CLASSIC in the title? Sheesh. They had something called teh BACONATOR but it was just bacon and cheese. No lettuce, no tomato. Ew. Well, shit who am I kidding? Yum, but I wanted the OLD hamburger since I'm a fuddy duddy and apparantly crotchety about my burgers.