Quivering with excitement

I am so happy I could burst! Tony goes to work on Friday!! Teehee! It's going to be awesome.

We went from not seeing him for many months to having him home for three straight weeks. It's been awesome and fun, but my shiz is all screwed up. I forgot Aislinn's therapy appointment yesterday, and even though the therapist reminded me before we left about my appointment today, yep almost missed it. I woke up at 10:21 and my appointment was at 10:30. I made it. I stunk and had morning breath, but I made it. Then I spent 45 minutes talking about dog food and how you have to buy the good kind.

Aislinn still has school, and doesn't get out until the 18th. I feel bad for her. That's a long time!! I've been researching some acitivities to break up her summer. I am going to get her a membership to the rec center and get her in some martial arts and pottery I think. She's right at the age where she can start doing all the fun things.

Oh hey ya'll

So, yeah. Lots going on in recent weeks. Mainly, the touching of my things. Funny how possesive a person can become when left to their own devices for many months. Tony will move something and it freaks me the fuck out. I'm being nice about it for the most part, but I am missing a ton of Real Woman dollars from Lane Bryant and that's like throwing out fucking money. I could be buying shit right now, but can't because someone fingered my shit and NOT in a good way.

I bitch of course, but it is nice having my husband home again. He's in total fixer upper mode which is nice. We're discussing paint colors and all that jazz. I'm hoping to get some paint and have him start this weekend. I have found the perfect colors finally. I figure if it looks like ass, we can always repaint.

Our big thing of course was our trip to Disney which was fabulous. We had a great time. Honestly, though we're not Disney people. When I watched grown women weeping over seeing Mickey like he's fucking John Lennon... I rolled my eyes. I didn't scream or get overly excited. We had breakfast with Mickey and the gang and had the misfortune of sitting next to a woman who dressed her baby as Mickey. Everytime a character would come to the table, she would scream their name, get the vapors, pee a little and then faint. When they would come to our table we would give and akward "Hey it's ...." and Aisy would get an autograph, we'd all pose awkwardly, and then sit down. Don't get me wrong, it was fun, but come on.. it's not REALLY Pluto. It's some chick who thought she'd get a job being a Disney Princess, but instead was stuck in a hot, stinky costume, posing with fat families as a giant non speaking dog. The fact of the matter is I am too much of a cynic to get into it. After watching the chinese contortionists, I said quite loudly... BACK to the cages for them. I got a lot of dirty looks. But seriously, I have a feeling I'm not too far from the truth.

I'm making it seem like I went to to Disney to mock it all and that is NOT the case. I got a little teary standing near Cinderella's castle while fireworks went off in the night sky. How many times have we seen that as children on TV and THERE I WAS. Yeah, my sister was the first to graduate from college this year, but I was the first to see that you know? Not that it compares, but I've never had high expectations for myself. It's the best place to spend time with your family. We plan on going again sometime in the next two years. Tony loved it way more than I expected him to.

The other big thing was that I left my family here in Virginia Beach and flew out to see my sister graduate WITH HONORS. It was awesome and I'm crazy proud of her. She's the type of persson who, even though she's graduating at 28 and lots of people in her shoes would be all "c's get degrees" she got honors you know? That's just how she is and that's awesome and she looked totally gorgeous to boot. We had a great time, Dad treated us all to Kobe steak house where they cook the food right there and make you catch food in your mouth and stuff like that. Dad.... well... he doesn't "do" outings, as Bobo put it, it was nice to see him out of the basement, in slacks and black socks no less.

Mostly us girls hung out and laughed a lot, and played with the dogs and drank a ton of coffee. I miss them like crazy.

Hopefully now that life is getting back under control, I'll update this thing more.

I am an idiot

Yes, I am.

I just looked at my Ipod and realized that my husband comes home a day earlier than I thought. Nothing has changed, I was just looking at XXX day and seeing YYY day for like 5 months. Seriously. I have told people up until last night that it was YYY day. (Sorry for the secrecy. I can't actually SAY when on a public site) Even when I went to therapy we sat down and talked about how everyone kept saying we only had X days but I was counting it as XX days.

It's kind of cool because for me, it's like they come home a day earlier.

I haven't written in awhile because Facebook is a time sucking, soul wrenching affair. I can't believe how much time you can spend on FB. FB though is starting to get irritating. I liked FB as a way to keep in contact with my friends from both message boards. I liked reading about Pam's day and then reading about Teri's right after without having to click to the sites. Because you know, now clicking is just TOO much work. Forget writing. I get tired from writing a check. My hand writing, which used to be bad, is now horrendous. Its like a flat line with a hump or a bump occasionally.

Anyway, I don't know it's nice to get the gist of what everyone is doing. REcently though, I've seen a major influx of high school people join and it's just UGH. I'm the kind of person that will hide from school people if I see them out in public. I don't really know why. High school wasn't that great for me. It wasn't that I was teased or harrassed when I think about it. I just felt alone and didn't have many friends.

Don't get me wrong, some of the people I have made friendships with. Like Jeremy, who I only kind of talked to in HS and found out I was kinda mean to him. I don't even remember, but when he recounted it, I blushed furiously on my side of the computer. It reminded me of the episode of 30 Rock when Liz didn't want to go to her HS reunion because the popular girls picked on her. She remembered it as them being snooty and her mumbling some snarky response under her breath. Come to find out, they were terrified of her, and she was the actual bully! The way they remembered it was that they were trying to reach out to her and she actually wasn't mumbling "Nice mole it looks like God pooped on your face" under her breath. Some of the women were in therapy thanks to Liz. Loves it! So, yeah I wasn't very friendly, so that's why I didn't have friends I guess.

Tony and I have talked a lot through IM, and I swear there is something about the internet that makes it easier to say things. Not for me. I have no problems saying anything to Tony. Good or bad. For him though. It's been so nice to hear some of the things he thinks and feels about me and our relationship. When I would ask him face to face, he was put on the spot and I would never get a satisfying answer. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? You bet it does. I figure by the end of his 3 week leave though I'll be more than ready for him to go back to work. Although, I've always enjoyed having him home. The best part is that the kids will be in school for part of the time he's on leave. We'll be alone for three days a week for four hours!! Nice!

We've had Louie for almost six months. What a six months it has been. I credit him for keeping me sane while Tony has been on deployment. He gave me focus and was my project. He's given me a million puppy kisses, and tons of puppy snuggles. He's made me mad, he's made me laugh, but most of all he's made me happy.

As most of you all know. I did a bad thing and got Louie from a pet shop. Before getting him, I was VERY against pet shops, preached the evilness of them, and had a talk with my daughter about how shelter dogs needed a home over a pet shop dog. I had always wanted a Cairn but was against paying a lot of money for a dog. I did kind of research them, and couldn't really find any breeders in my immediate area, came up with nothing My looks around the shelters weren't coming up with anything other than pit bulls or old dogs. I was going to do a rescue cairn, but most won't give a Cairn to someone with young children.

One day, at the mall, we went in. We've done it thousands of times before. I mean, you know the situation, but you can't resisit watching a puppy romp. I've fallen in love with many a puppy in the window, but never, ever, EVER asked a price until I saw Louie. He was in the very first window. No one was looking at him, and he was facing away from the window. I told my husband "OMG that's a Cairn!" and he said "What's a Cairn?" and then wandered off with the kids to look at the other puppies. I tapped the window trying to get his attention. I looked at the big JUST REDUCED AGAIN! sign plastered on the cage. I stood there forever, just to get a glimpse of his face. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to see his face. I had never seen a Cairn in real life, and I wanted to see him. For the first time EVER I asked to see the puppy in the window. My kids were SHOCKED as they have asked a million time in the past and alway got a "No. Let's go."

We got him in one of those rooms, and he turned his personality on, although he didn't stand out. Just a jumpy little puppy. We found out why he had been reduced twice so far. He was four months old, and had lost his puppy cuteness. I think thats common with terrier breeds. They have the puppy cute for such a short time, then they look like mini versions of the adults. People passed him up to look at the Yorkies and Jack Russels and Shih Tzus and Maltese. The little bundles of energy and fluff that makes even the hardest of hearts melt. They had me. I was holding the "reject" puppy. The one no one wanted. Going against everything I knew was right, we left that night to think it over, but we knew we'd be back.

We got there the next day before the store opened. Swallowing my pride, I bought my pet store dog. I even made up elaborate lies to my family as not to seem like a hypocrit. For weeks I thought of reselling him to appease my guilt. On top of that.. he was a boring dog.Yeah I said it. He was boring. He never wagged his tail, he was scared of loud noises, he was lacking all that puppy happiness he exhibited in the cubicle, which I now realize was from just the overwhelming happiness to be OUT OF HIS CAGE!! He didn't know how to play, he didn't want to be held, or petted. A few weeks go by, and he starts to adjust, but he's still pretty surly. I was amazed that he never wagged his tail. I read about dogs and their "happy smile" in a dog training book, and realized in the time we've had him, I've never once seen that face. I would see pics of grinning Cairns and I was sad. I had begun to regret my decision, thinking Karma was punishing me. Oh yeah, I got a Cairn, but a surly, snarly, boring one. One who refused to let you touch him or who looked at you blankly when you threw a ball.

Over time, he learned to walk on a leash, he learned who he could hit up for food, he became more family oriented. I remember the first time he wagged his tail at a time other than upon our return home. We were out playing in the yard. He was wagging his tail and PLAYING. He learned fetch, he learned NO bite, and NO bark. He kinda got better at pottying outside. Then came our first trip to the dog park. I saw his first smile. Although happy, I was heartbroken that he would never do that at home. That was almost 2 months after getting him.

I loved him anyway. He is my heart. He slowly became my velcro dog. He started sleeping wtih me, comforting me while husband was away. He is surprisingly obedient, amazingly laid back for a Cairn and he had never chewed on anything of signifigance. He loves to do his tricks, he's pretty tolerable of the kids, he loves the cat, and after awhile with us, one day his tail started wagging, and hardly ever stops. Recently, he's started running to me with a huge smile on his face, panting just happy to be a part of the family. Six months it took for him to adjust. But, I know that at least once a day, I'll see that smile.

It just goes to show how horrible the puppy mill business is (although I have contributed to it). I had a dog that didn't know how to be a dog! Even at 4 months old. He got skittish around metal noises which I assume comes from being in a cage most his life. If we even so much as touch the fireplace screen, he would bark and freak. He does that still, but it has since turn to a game. It's the best way to guarantee and panting happy pup.I don't know. I just felt the need to get it out. He had come over to me to play "fiesty" which is just rough housing and hand biting. It's amazing because he knows when he does it too hard, and if he forgets I just say "easy" or put my face down for a lick and he goes back to being gentle. I was just struck with the difference between the 4 month old who was stand offish to the dog who jumps up on the couch, plants his fat paws on my chest and gives me kisses to I beg him to stop.

Therapy.. good for the soul

So, for many years I've resisted talk therapy. I don't know why. When I was diagnosed with depression, Dr. M said that my Cymbalta wouldn't work alone, that I needed talk therapy as well. I came from a family that doesn't TALK about their problems. Also, surprisingly, the Cymbalta DID work on it's own. Very well thank you very much.

Recently, I started therapy to see if I too have ADD. Aislinn as I've mentioned has it, and is doing very well with it. She's coming home and doing her homework quickly and without a fight. It's amazing. After reading Driven to Distraction I realized I had a lot of the qualities in that back. Lack of focus, started but unfinished projects, I do things like start the laundry and walk off without closing the lid, coming back to it at bedtime to put them in the dryer only to realize what I've done, and because I need something out of there for tomorrow, I have to stay up late to put them in the dryer.

Inevitably what ends up happening when I get there is I end up talking about my parents. My parents... well all parents are good and bad. Our family life was frought with issues of all kinds. I don't FAULT my parents (at one time I did) for it, but I can't deny that things happened that affected the person I am. Just like things happened to THEM that affected the person they are, and things happened to THEIR parents that affected their parents personality and so on and so forth. Looking at my family, all sides of it, it's just layer upon layer of issues. Alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse, yelling, screaming, blaming, fighting, alienation, pain, estrangement.. blah blah blah blah. The list goes on and on.

While talking today I told the therapist that it's amazing how ONE decision can change a person's course of history so dramatically. My grandmother's decision to marry her second husband, who in turn sexually abused my aunt, and physically abused my father, changed my dad and aunt forever. A one second answer alters courses forever.

My therapist is surprised that I seem over the things that happened to me. I told him that before taking my anti depressant I wallowed in it, but now I'm clear headed enough to know that what happened, happened and you just move forward. It's kind of weird to talk to someone about it. We don't discuss the past in our family, and over time, I was often told I dwell to much on it. So, I kinda got over it (family motto! Just get over it already) and have accepted the situation for what it is. I can't change the past. It wasn't all bad. It wasn't mostly bad. When I visit with my family, we laugh so hard our faces hurt. (does your face hurt? It's killing me) We all have a ton of things in common and what matters is NOW. NOW we get along, now I'm adult and know I control my actions and destiny at this point. Now I have children and before therapy was all too familiar with how one decision affects many. I have taken my bad situations, learned from them and am doing my best to break the cycle, but in a way that doesn't go completely keeling off to the other side, which in the end can be just as bad, over indulgence is a form of abuse in my book.

I like therapy. I have found with going to therapy I am not as screwed up as I think I am, and to give myself a pat on the back, I have found that I'm pretty good at observing myself and situations in a true light, without being over positive or negative. I am very self aware, and aware of my little family. And lets be honest.. this guys job is to listen to me talk about myself for an hour. There's nothing wrong wtih that right?

One of those days

It's just one of those days where everything is either going wrong, is somewhat off, or just irritating the SHIT out of me.

First of all.. it's been raining like crazy for the last few weeks. Really. Right now, between the mud, dog poop, puddles and long grass hiding it all, my yard is like a freaking mine field. It didn't help the drying out process that this morning Jonny thought playing in the hose would be a good thing. It was sixty degrees out and he was out there getting wet. After I told him to STOP, he did it again.

Because he didn't listen, he's grounded. So he's spent his day seeing just how grounded he is. Is it ok to sit at the table outside? No? Ok.. let me try this chair right by the door, is that ok? Still no? Ok, well what about if I just STAND right in front of the door on the patio. Ok, ok don't yell. What about out front? Geez, lady calm down. What about if I come out when YOU come out? Mom.. why is your face all red? Ok, ok I'm going back in!

I must be a weird mom because I actually hate it when Aislinn goes out to play with her friends. Because it's always a day of putting me in the spot and running in and out in and out in and out in and out. While kids stand RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY DOOR staring. Then Jonathan goes out there, and stands in front of the door talking to the kids, and the dogs going nuts, the trying to get out. The kids are pressing their faces to the door trying to see the cartoon/dog/my messy house. Mom, Cameron wants to know if we can play in the back yard? No, its full of mud and dog poo. Cameron wants to know why? Why can't we play. I just told you why. Then Cameron whines BUT, WE'LL BE CAREFUL. I don't care... go play in your own backyard. Can we hook the hose up to the front yard spigot and play in it. What?!? No of course not! It's not even seventy degrees outside and hello, it's muddy enough! Cameron whines BUT, IT'S SO HOT. Cameron, why don't you go ask YOUR mom if you can play in the hose. Oh.. I did. She said no. and So did his mom. And you're surrpised I said no? Mom can we please take the dog out. Sure. As she latches the leash she decides to RUN with the dog IN the house, knocking over my coffee in the process. My very full cup of coffee. Everytime she comes in and out, that sends Jonathan into a screaming fit because he misses his Aisy.

Tony was supposed to call and or IM. Ok. WAited around ALL DAY. Finally got an email that said... sorry not happening.

The house is a mess after just being clean. Two pairs of my shoes are outside caked in mud. The recycling was all over the yard after a brisk wind. My floor have dog/cat/shoe/feet prints all over it. Went into the laundry room, and was wondering...why are there so many clothes on the floor? That's because my darling son took the clean clothes out of the dryer and dumped them on the floor. I went to start the dryer and it wasn't working becuase Jonny was INSIDE it last night. I finally get it working and now have to redry the clothes that were in the basket because the kids had taken them out of the laundry basket and put them on the couch, and now they're wrinkled and full of cat hair.

And in all of this all I want is a newspaper. But in order to get a newspaper, I have to wait unil Aislinn is done playing, and get Jonny dressed, and go out and hope the van starts because it has a hard time with all this rain.

Sigh.

Has it really been that long?

It's almost been a MONTH since I've written anything.

Not much has been happening here. Just living each day, counting down until Tony comes home. We aren't able to talk as much because he's been preparing for an inspection. He did email today to tell me he did NOT make boards to make chief. I can imagine he is very upset. He missed it by 1.7 points. That must really suck to miss it by so little. He's such a hard worker, and it breaks my heart that he didn't make it.

Aislinn started taking her ADHD medicine today. I'm curious to see how she'll feel today. I hear it can make you feel nauseous. I was worried that it would be a big fight since she was so against taking the medicine, but she took it quite easily. She just... took it. Swallowed it and said "There" and continued to eat her Frosted Flakes. The Dr. was very nice, and made Aislinn feel better about taking it. We then had a conversation about it after getting the RX.

One thing I am worried about is something the Dr. said. While getting our family history, she was concerned that my sister in law, Denise is bi-polar. She said since it's such a close family memeber and Aisy has ADHD, I guess her chance of becoming bi-polar is greater. That as a child, it won't manifest itself but it can later. She said that ADHD and bi-polar can often go hand in hand, and that fixing one problem while not the other can cause more problems. Poor kid. Tony and I have always joked between the two family histories of addiction, mental disorders and stuff of the like that are kids are screwed, especially Aisy since all the women in his family are just plain nuts. It looks like the joke could be on us. At least we KNOW and we can keep an eye on it. During the appointment, Aislinn exhibited every aspect of ADD. Getting up, walking around, talking out of turn. I'm sure a lot of it was nerves, but that just goes to show how ADD affects some people. Where as one person can make themselves sit still, Aislinn can't help herself, she has to get up and walk adn touch everyhing in the room, even after being told to stop.

Today has been a busy day. After over a week of rain, we finally got some sun. I went outside and cleaned out the van. Finally got EVERYHING OUT I had left from Christmas. Blankets and pillows we had just left in there.. stuff like that. I cleaned the windows then Jonny and I took Louie for a walk. In a bit we have to get Aislinn from school. She started Thursday Extra Curriculars.

On a personal note, I myself have started therapy. It's really been helpful to have someone to vent to about how hard it is being a mom sometimes. Especially a mom who has a child like Aislinn who has a husband that is deployed. I don't know why it took me so long to do it.