Thursday, April 23, 2009

I am an idiot

Yes, I am.

I just looked at my Ipod and realized that my husband comes home a day earlier than I thought. Nothing has changed, I was just looking at XXX day and seeing YYY day for like 5 months. Seriously. I have told people up until last night that it was YYY day. (Sorry for the secrecy. I can't actually SAY when on a public site) Even when I went to therapy we sat down and talked about how everyone kept saying we only had X days but I was counting it as XX days.

It's kind of cool because for me, it's like they come home a day earlier.

I haven't written in awhile because Facebook is a time sucking, soul wrenching affair. I can't believe how much time you can spend on FB. FB though is starting to get irritating. I liked FB as a way to keep in contact with my friends from both message boards. I liked reading about Pam's day and then reading about Teri's right after without having to click to the sites. Because you know, now clicking is just TOO much work. Forget writing. I get tired from writing a check. My hand writing, which used to be bad, is now horrendous. Its like a flat line with a hump or a bump occasionally.

Anyway, I don't know it's nice to get the gist of what everyone is doing. REcently though, I've seen a major influx of high school people join and it's just UGH. I'm the kind of person that will hide from school people if I see them out in public. I don't really know why. High school wasn't that great for me. It wasn't that I was teased or harrassed when I think about it. I just felt alone and didn't have many friends.

Don't get me wrong, some of the people I have made friendships with. Like Jeremy, who I only kind of talked to in HS and found out I was kinda mean to him. I don't even remember, but when he recounted it, I blushed furiously on my side of the computer. It reminded me of the episode of 30 Rock when Liz didn't want to go to her HS reunion because the popular girls picked on her. She remembered it as them being snooty and her mumbling some snarky response under her breath. Come to find out, they were terrified of her, and she was the actual bully! The way they remembered it was that they were trying to reach out to her and she actually wasn't mumbling "Nice mole it looks like God pooped on your face" under her breath. Some of the women were in therapy thanks to Liz. Loves it! So, yeah I wasn't very friendly, so that's why I didn't have friends I guess.

Tony and I have talked a lot through IM, and I swear there is something about the internet that makes it easier to say things. Not for me. I have no problems saying anything to Tony. Good or bad. For him though. It's been so nice to hear some of the things he thinks and feels about me and our relationship. When I would ask him face to face, he was put on the spot and I would never get a satisfying answer. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? You bet it does. I figure by the end of his 3 week leave though I'll be more than ready for him to go back to work. Although, I've always enjoyed having him home. The best part is that the kids will be in school for part of the time he's on leave. We'll be alone for three days a week for four hours!! Nice!

Friday, April 3, 2009

We've had Louie for almost six months. What a six months it has been. I credit him for keeping me sane while Tony has been on deployment. He gave me focus and was my project. He's given me a million puppy kisses, and tons of puppy snuggles. He's made me mad, he's made me laugh, but most of all he's made me happy.

As most of you all know. I did a bad thing and got Louie from a pet shop. Before getting him, I was VERY against pet shops, preached the evilness of them, and had a talk with my daughter about how shelter dogs needed a home over a pet shop dog. I had always wanted a Cairn but was against paying a lot of money for a dog. I did kind of research them, and couldn't really find any breeders in my immediate area, came up with nothing My looks around the shelters weren't coming up with anything other than pit bulls or old dogs. I was going to do a rescue cairn, but most won't give a Cairn to someone with young children.

One day, at the mall, we went in. We've done it thousands of times before. I mean, you know the situation, but you can't resisit watching a puppy romp. I've fallen in love with many a puppy in the window, but never, ever, EVER asked a price until I saw Louie. He was in the very first window. No one was looking at him, and he was facing away from the window. I told my husband "OMG that's a Cairn!" and he said "What's a Cairn?" and then wandered off with the kids to look at the other puppies. I tapped the window trying to get his attention. I looked at the big JUST REDUCED AGAIN! sign plastered on the cage. I stood there forever, just to get a glimpse of his face. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to see his face. I had never seen a Cairn in real life, and I wanted to see him. For the first time EVER I asked to see the puppy in the window. My kids were SHOCKED as they have asked a million time in the past and alway got a "No. Let's go."

We got him in one of those rooms, and he turned his personality on, although he didn't stand out. Just a jumpy little puppy. We found out why he had been reduced twice so far. He was four months old, and had lost his puppy cuteness. I think thats common with terrier breeds. They have the puppy cute for such a short time, then they look like mini versions of the adults. People passed him up to look at the Yorkies and Jack Russels and Shih Tzus and Maltese. The little bundles of energy and fluff that makes even the hardest of hearts melt. They had me. I was holding the "reject" puppy. The one no one wanted. Going against everything I knew was right, we left that night to think it over, but we knew we'd be back.

We got there the next day before the store opened. Swallowing my pride, I bought my pet store dog. I even made up elaborate lies to my family as not to seem like a hypocrit. For weeks I thought of reselling him to appease my guilt. On top of that.. he was a boring dog.Yeah I said it. He was boring. He never wagged his tail, he was scared of loud noises, he was lacking all that puppy happiness he exhibited in the cubicle, which I now realize was from just the overwhelming happiness to be OUT OF HIS CAGE!! He didn't know how to play, he didn't want to be held, or petted. A few weeks go by, and he starts to adjust, but he's still pretty surly. I was amazed that he never wagged his tail. I read about dogs and their "happy smile" in a dog training book, and realized in the time we've had him, I've never once seen that face. I would see pics of grinning Cairns and I was sad. I had begun to regret my decision, thinking Karma was punishing me. Oh yeah, I got a Cairn, but a surly, snarly, boring one. One who refused to let you touch him or who looked at you blankly when you threw a ball.

Over time, he learned to walk on a leash, he learned who he could hit up for food, he became more family oriented. I remember the first time he wagged his tail at a time other than upon our return home. We were out playing in the yard. He was wagging his tail and PLAYING. He learned fetch, he learned NO bite, and NO bark. He kinda got better at pottying outside. Then came our first trip to the dog park. I saw his first smile. Although happy, I was heartbroken that he would never do that at home. That was almost 2 months after getting him.

I loved him anyway. He is my heart. He slowly became my velcro dog. He started sleeping wtih me, comforting me while husband was away. He is surprisingly obedient, amazingly laid back for a Cairn and he had never chewed on anything of signifigance. He loves to do his tricks, he's pretty tolerable of the kids, he loves the cat, and after awhile with us, one day his tail started wagging, and hardly ever stops. Recently, he's started running to me with a huge smile on his face, panting just happy to be a part of the family. Six months it took for him to adjust. But, I know that at least once a day, I'll see that smile.

It just goes to show how horrible the puppy mill business is (although I have contributed to it). I had a dog that didn't know how to be a dog! Even at 4 months old. He got skittish around metal noises which I assume comes from being in a cage most his life. If we even so much as touch the fireplace screen, he would bark and freak. He does that still, but it has since turn to a game. It's the best way to guarantee and panting happy pup.I don't know. I just felt the need to get it out. He had come over to me to play "fiesty" which is just rough housing and hand biting. It's amazing because he knows when he does it too hard, and if he forgets I just say "easy" or put my face down for a lick and he goes back to being gentle. I was just struck with the difference between the 4 month old who was stand offish to the dog who jumps up on the couch, plants his fat paws on my chest and gives me kisses to I beg him to stop.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Therapy.. good for the soul

So, for many years I've resisted talk therapy. I don't know why. When I was diagnosed with depression, Dr. M said that my Cymbalta wouldn't work alone, that I needed talk therapy as well. I came from a family that doesn't TALK about their problems. Also, surprisingly, the Cymbalta DID work on it's own. Very well thank you very much.

Recently, I started therapy to see if I too have ADD. Aislinn as I've mentioned has it, and is doing very well with it. She's coming home and doing her homework quickly and without a fight. It's amazing. After reading Driven to Distraction I realized I had a lot of the qualities in that back. Lack of focus, started but unfinished projects, I do things like start the laundry and walk off without closing the lid, coming back to it at bedtime to put them in the dryer only to realize what I've done, and because I need something out of there for tomorrow, I have to stay up late to put them in the dryer.

Inevitably what ends up happening when I get there is I end up talking about my parents. My parents... well all parents are good and bad. Our family life was frought with issues of all kinds. I don't FAULT my parents (at one time I did) for it, but I can't deny that things happened that affected the person I am. Just like things happened to THEM that affected the person they are, and things happened to THEIR parents that affected their parents personality and so on and so forth. Looking at my family, all sides of it, it's just layer upon layer of issues. Alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse, yelling, screaming, blaming, fighting, alienation, pain, estrangement.. blah blah blah blah. The list goes on and on.

While talking today I told the therapist that it's amazing how ONE decision can change a person's course of history so dramatically. My grandmother's decision to marry her second husband, who in turn sexually abused my aunt, and physically abused my father, changed my dad and aunt forever. A one second answer alters courses forever.

My therapist is surprised that I seem over the things that happened to me. I told him that before taking my anti depressant I wallowed in it, but now I'm clear headed enough to know that what happened, happened and you just move forward. It's kind of weird to talk to someone about it. We don't discuss the past in our family, and over time, I was often told I dwell to much on it. So, I kinda got over it (family motto! Just get over it already) and have accepted the situation for what it is. I can't change the past. It wasn't all bad. It wasn't mostly bad. When I visit with my family, we laugh so hard our faces hurt. (does your face hurt? It's killing me) We all have a ton of things in common and what matters is NOW. NOW we get along, now I'm adult and know I control my actions and destiny at this point. Now I have children and before therapy was all too familiar with how one decision affects many. I have taken my bad situations, learned from them and am doing my best to break the cycle, but in a way that doesn't go completely keeling off to the other side, which in the end can be just as bad, over indulgence is a form of abuse in my book.

I like therapy. I have found with going to therapy I am not as screwed up as I think I am, and to give myself a pat on the back, I have found that I'm pretty good at observing myself and situations in a true light, without being over positive or negative. I am very self aware, and aware of my little family. And lets be honest.. this guys job is to listen to me talk about myself for an hour. There's nothing wrong wtih that right?