Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Therapy.. good for the soul

So, for many years I've resisted talk therapy. I don't know why. When I was diagnosed with depression, Dr. M said that my Cymbalta wouldn't work alone, that I needed talk therapy as well. I came from a family that doesn't TALK about their problems. Also, surprisingly, the Cymbalta DID work on it's own. Very well thank you very much.

Recently, I started therapy to see if I too have ADD. Aislinn as I've mentioned has it, and is doing very well with it. She's coming home and doing her homework quickly and without a fight. It's amazing. After reading Driven to Distraction I realized I had a lot of the qualities in that back. Lack of focus, started but unfinished projects, I do things like start the laundry and walk off without closing the lid, coming back to it at bedtime to put them in the dryer only to realize what I've done, and because I need something out of there for tomorrow, I have to stay up late to put them in the dryer.

Inevitably what ends up happening when I get there is I end up talking about my parents. My parents... well all parents are good and bad. Our family life was frought with issues of all kinds. I don't FAULT my parents (at one time I did) for it, but I can't deny that things happened that affected the person I am. Just like things happened to THEM that affected the person they are, and things happened to THEIR parents that affected their parents personality and so on and so forth. Looking at my family, all sides of it, it's just layer upon layer of issues. Alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse, yelling, screaming, blaming, fighting, alienation, pain, estrangement.. blah blah blah blah. The list goes on and on.

While talking today I told the therapist that it's amazing how ONE decision can change a person's course of history so dramatically. My grandmother's decision to marry her second husband, who in turn sexually abused my aunt, and physically abused my father, changed my dad and aunt forever. A one second answer alters courses forever.

My therapist is surprised that I seem over the things that happened to me. I told him that before taking my anti depressant I wallowed in it, but now I'm clear headed enough to know that what happened, happened and you just move forward. It's kind of weird to talk to someone about it. We don't discuss the past in our family, and over time, I was often told I dwell to much on it. So, I kinda got over it (family motto! Just get over it already) and have accepted the situation for what it is. I can't change the past. It wasn't all bad. It wasn't mostly bad. When I visit with my family, we laugh so hard our faces hurt. (does your face hurt? It's killing me) We all have a ton of things in common and what matters is NOW. NOW we get along, now I'm adult and know I control my actions and destiny at this point. Now I have children and before therapy was all too familiar with how one decision affects many. I have taken my bad situations, learned from them and am doing my best to break the cycle, but in a way that doesn't go completely keeling off to the other side, which in the end can be just as bad, over indulgence is a form of abuse in my book.

I like therapy. I have found with going to therapy I am not as screwed up as I think I am, and to give myself a pat on the back, I have found that I'm pretty good at observing myself and situations in a true light, without being over positive or negative. I am very self aware, and aware of my little family. And lets be honest.. this guys job is to listen to me talk about myself for an hour. There's nothing wrong wtih that right?

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