Sunday, March 28, 2010

As you can imagine, my world has been turned upside. My marriage, the marriage that I thought was awesome, the one I had no clue was in trouble, could be over. It's only been a little over a week since Tony hit me with the bombshell from halfway around the world. Just thinking about it makes me feel nauseous and flush. According to him, he started talking to a girl from his childhood online, he told her loved her and that he doesn't think we're good together, he's been unhappy for so long, and he doesn't think counseling will work.

To say this came as a shock is an understatement. To say I saw this coming would be a lie. I sit and think of all the things that were said and done before his deployment and I am lost. The man I speak to on the phone, who has so much hatred in his voice, is not the same man who left me a wonderful card in my car for me to find later, that made me weep in the parking lot of a store when I found it. Everyone who knows says it doesn't make any sense. That if he was so unhappy, he is an amazing actor.

How can you fall in love with someone in six weeks online? I know people have done it, but I still don't get it. He says I need to not focus on WHAT happened but why it happened. I don't know why it happened. From what he says our marriage was a "rollercoaster" and to me that is the definition of marriage. He says I was mean, but when I punched, kicked, belittled and treated him like shit, he loved me like a fat kid loves cake. In the last 4 years I've become emotionally stable and for some reason, he doesn't like it. Does he like and miss the crazy me? The one that was angry 24-7? Maybe in his head if I was mad 24-7 then he could tell himself it wasn't about him so much as it was just that I was a crazy person. Now that I'm different, could it be that when I am mad, he finally has to accept that maybe he isn't the saint everyone thinks he is?

I'm sure if you asked him he'd say no. He'd say he's unhappy and that's all that matters. Counseling won't work and our kids aren't worth the effort. He really can't give me a legitimate reason why he feels it won't work other than "I know you" which is his way of saying "You'll never let me live this down and I can't face that forever" well, maybe he should have thought of that beofre he stepped outside his marriage.

I am devastated. I am crushed. I am alone, and as days go on, everyone elses lives move on and I have no one to talk to. I wonder if this was his plan. Knowing I was all alone, and this would give me the most suffering. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. To scream and cry and rip out my hair. Yet, I don't get that luxury. I have the kids and I have to keep it together for them.