Sunday, March 28, 2010

As you can imagine, my world has been turned upside. My marriage, the marriage that I thought was awesome, the one I had no clue was in trouble, could be over. It's only been a little over a week since Tony hit me with the bombshell from halfway around the world. Just thinking about it makes me feel nauseous and flush. According to him, he started talking to a girl from his childhood online, he told her loved her and that he doesn't think we're good together, he's been unhappy for so long, and he doesn't think counseling will work.

To say this came as a shock is an understatement. To say I saw this coming would be a lie. I sit and think of all the things that were said and done before his deployment and I am lost. The man I speak to on the phone, who has so much hatred in his voice, is not the same man who left me a wonderful card in my car for me to find later, that made me weep in the parking lot of a store when I found it. Everyone who knows says it doesn't make any sense. That if he was so unhappy, he is an amazing actor.

How can you fall in love with someone in six weeks online? I know people have done it, but I still don't get it. He says I need to not focus on WHAT happened but why it happened. I don't know why it happened. From what he says our marriage was a "rollercoaster" and to me that is the definition of marriage. He says I was mean, but when I punched, kicked, belittled and treated him like shit, he loved me like a fat kid loves cake. In the last 4 years I've become emotionally stable and for some reason, he doesn't like it. Does he like and miss the crazy me? The one that was angry 24-7? Maybe in his head if I was mad 24-7 then he could tell himself it wasn't about him so much as it was just that I was a crazy person. Now that I'm different, could it be that when I am mad, he finally has to accept that maybe he isn't the saint everyone thinks he is?

I'm sure if you asked him he'd say no. He'd say he's unhappy and that's all that matters. Counseling won't work and our kids aren't worth the effort. He really can't give me a legitimate reason why he feels it won't work other than "I know you" which is his way of saying "You'll never let me live this down and I can't face that forever" well, maybe he should have thought of that beofre he stepped outside his marriage.

I am devastated. I am crushed. I am alone, and as days go on, everyone elses lives move on and I have no one to talk to. I wonder if this was his plan. Knowing I was all alone, and this would give me the most suffering. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. To scream and cry and rip out my hair. Yet, I don't get that luxury. I have the kids and I have to keep it together for them.

5 comments:

Mouse said...

I'm so sorry Sandi. 7 years ago I didn't see it coming either. I had no clue. when I finally found out I actually hyperventilated. It took me a long time to really accept everything. My only advice is to take care of yourself.

Wicked-RuM said...

I wish i Can say something to help or actually help but all i can think of is WOW.
excuse me when i say this about him, he is a selfish immature uncommitted man, just because he reminisced with a childhood friend & he felt some emotion towards her therefore he has the right to just leave u there. if he loved you sincerely & he was just distracted by a New person's attention then he's not worth ur time or love... let me correct that, either ways he's Not Worthy of your Love or Time.
Just Take Care of your self and hope your coming days are better & be optimistic , that there is good will come out of this for you & your benefit.

Elle said...

Marriages are worth fighting for, but you just have to ask yourself, how many times can you forgive? If you do, can you live with him in harmony for everything he has done? Better yet, don't you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity?

Thinking about you. You are not alone. There are many who have challenging marriages and I believe you are a strong person for finding stability in yourself. Your kids love you and so does your friends and family. Hang in there.

Ruth said...

Let's face it, men don't communicate! My girlfriend's husband just walked out after 43 years! He wasn't happy!!!

The only advise I can give would be to take care of yourself and the children... they need you!

A Woman's Diary said...

Sorry to hear this. I think he cannot be in 'love' with someone in such a short time - some unsatisfied passion which is not worth losing everything for....:(