Two days in a row? No way!

I'm going to try and keep up with this thing. This might sound totally vain, but I love reading through my older entries and sometimes I think "Oh my God, I wrote that and it's pretty damn entertaining." There, that's my little secret for today. Do with it what you will.

Aislinn is turning 10 on Monday. TEN. TEN!! I just can't believe it. Where did the time go? Jonny turned 6 three weeks ago. They're both getting so big, and I am really relishing having two older kids. Life is so much simpler now. No diaper bags, no rushing around and dressing each kid or having to wipe faces and hands as they can now do it themselves. It's pretty awesome.

Funny enough, it does NOT make me want to have another baby. There was a period awhile ago where I thought about babies non stop. Even considered adopting at one point. I realized that it wasn't so much that I wanted a BABY than it was that I wanted something to care for. I got Louie and now Cuddles and I can't begin to tell you how much joy they bring me. Or. Wait. I'll be honest, LOUIE brings me joy. Cuddles hasn't really clicked into our family just yet. She still feels like a visitor, but we're getting there. Maybe if she wasn't such a surly asshat, we'd get there more quickly. Also, we'd get there more quickly if she stopped using the cat as a chew toy and Louie as her whipping boy when she's pissed. I'm tired of looking at his scab.

Anyway, what I'm saying is life feels good. But, I would say that now in Febuary right? Ask me again in July, when I'm all "life sucks and my husband is a dickhead" Actually, Tony will come home right in the midst of all that. I wonder how I'll be?

I really should write in this more huh?

So, the big thing around here has been Aislinn's diagnosis. She has been diagnosed as ADD, as we knew, but she's also been diagnosed as having Aspergers. As you can imagine, this upset Tony and I very much. Yet, upon reflecting on it, we can't help but to agree that it only makes sense. It explains her maturity level, which is behind other kids and always has been. It explains her clothing issues (and here I thought she was being a pain in the ass). It explains her bossiness and need to control the play with other kids. It explains why she wants to talk to everyone and doesn't get when they're done talking. With an Aspie kid, as they're called they lack empathy more so than another child.

They can't put themselves in other people's shoes. Aislinn controls the play because she can't understand why no one else wants to play lions when she thinks it so freaking fun. Who wouldn't want to play? Even though the clerk asked her a question to be polite, Aislinn can't see that, and therefore will go on and on while the clerk is trying to do her job. Aislinn likes being comfortable and can't understand why she has to look "nice". To her, Pokemon are the coolest thing ever, why does mom and dad not want to talk about it everyday? (we have actually told her no Pokemon talk allowed a few times because we were so sick of it)

Aspergers is one of those disorders that seems misunderstood. The best way I can describe it is an extreme lack of social skills. Boy, does that describe Aislinn to a "T" People think she should be like Rain Man or something, because it's linked with autism. I expect people to throw down a bunch of toothpicks and have her count them when they hear. It's not like that. Especially for girls. She will not need to be put in special ed, or need to live in a home as an adult, or be under our care forever. She can go on and live her life, get married and have children if she so wishes.

Basically, Asperger's makes her a natural rebel. I'm not trying to make it seem super cool or anything, but Aislinn because she thinks differently will always be that argumentative kid that is going to question everything. She doesn't heed societal norms. This can be both a hindrance and a blessing. Aspie kids are also usually very bright and smart, but because they think differently they may have a hard time at school because they don't fit the "mold" which is something I've always complained about in the past with her.

We're working our way through the process. Her teacher has been super helpful, even though Aislinn thinks she hates her. When I told Mrs. N that, she was really upset and sounded like she was going to cry. She's really trying to help her. She allows Aislinn to sit at the island when she needs to work alone, whenever she wants. It's hard because Aislinn has developed a verbal tic. One that is very distracting and loud. Because her ADD is best treated with stimulants, it brings out the tics and makes them worse. Without the stimulants she can't focus, but with them we get tics. Aislinn has always had tics, but I never knew that's what they were. I just thought Aislinn was weird. She's on another medicine to control the tics, but we just started that so I don't know how well it will work. I noticed them a lot less in the last few days, but she also wasn't on her Concerta.

So, all the things that I used to complain about with Aislinn wasn't just because she wanted to make my life miserable. It was because she truly had a medical reason. I feel guilty about that sometimes, but I try not to dwell on it too much. Right now, I'm trying to find the right balance for discipline. One of the hardest things was trying to ignore the verbal tic which is a high pitched screech in her throat. It really just jars you when it's quiet and I can see why the other kids are getting pissed in her class. That was the reason we decided to medicate this tic. The other kids are making fun of her for it. The more they do that, the more she needs to do it, and it's a vicious cycle.

Hopefully, with the right meds and support, Aislinn will achieve greatness in school. She's so smart and her teacher said if we can just get this all working right, Aislinn could easily be a straight A student.

Facebook is just a time suck isn't it? It never gets old and you can spend hours on there. Aislinn keeps bugging me for a Facebook account and I just can't do it. I can't let her take that step yet. I know she only wants it because she wants to play all the games we play. She's nine, she doesn't necessarily want to social network, know what I'm saying? There are many reasons I don't want her to have one. My main thing is, of course her safety. Sure, I could sit here and watch her like a hawk and approve her friend requests and all that, but who wants to? Then, I'd have to friend her, and then I couldn't post things like "Miley Cyrus is a twat waffle" because she'd want to know what a twat waffle was, and I REALLY don't want to have that conversation.

The other day she complained about her tv in her room. What is wrong with the tv? It doesn't have DVR. That's right. It is not up to her standard because she can't fucking pause it to go to the bathroom, therefore she refuses to watch it Forget that it has like 4,575,893 channels on it, most of those cartoons. What the hell? My tv was black and white and had bunny ears. We didn't have cable until I was 13 and it was only on ONE tv. The one my dad watched. If he was up, we were screwed, we went to the basement and watched Heathcliff through the fuzz on the screen. I once tried to explain the concept of cartoons coming on only in the morning (you usually missed them because of school), in the afternoon (you usually missed those because of homework) and on Saturdays. Sundays sucked because it was church shows and then Tarzan and then the 3 Stooges and then a dumb movie. You didn't WANT to stay home from school, because after the Price is Right, your mom just watched her "stories" and it was always filled with icky kissing and stuff.

Sure, my day would suck if DVR went away, but I grew up where a remote control? THAT was optional and cost more. Our big tv didn't have one, my mom refused to get one because she didn't want us to be lazy. Good in theory, but we just sat really close to the TV so we could be arms length away from the buttons. Coincidentally, we all had bad eyes growing up. My dad just used us kids as the remote. "Start at channel 2 and go up, slow enough so I can see what's on, but not too slow, and I'll tell you when to stop" We just hoped he found something he wanted to watch in the first 2o channels. Most the time we would sit there cycling through so he could see what was on all the channels that happened to be on a commercial when we passed through it the first time.

Another thing she complained about.. no wifi in the car. Seriously. We were driving around doing errands, and I hear this frustrated grunt. I asked her what was wrong and she said "I was trying to go to the global trading center in my Pokemon game, and there's no wifi" she said the last bit with a disgusted sneer. She actually asked me if we could go to a Starbucks or something so we could get wifi. She said we didn't have to go in. I swear I'm not making this shit up. Anytime I sing something the kids don't recognize, Jonny assumes it's from Sesame Street because it sounds like something a dumb baby show like Sesame Street would have in it. Yes, my FIVE year old thinks Sesame Street is for babies. I think I watched it until I was 14. Oscar the Grouch is dumb, but Spongebob is AWESOME, so what does he know?

And if you were wondering... yes I did walk to school uphill both ways during blizzards with paper shoes.. that's the way it was, and gosh darn it we LIKED it.

Three months really?

That long eh?

I often think I should write in this thing especially when I'm feeling down, but damn if that was the case I'd be on this fucker all day.

So life. Yeah. Well, I guess the big thing would be that Aislinn has fallen on the Asperger's scale. Everything I read about Asperger's though didn't really fit her. I decided to then google Asperger's and girls, since ADD with girls is much different than ADD with boys and yet most of the info is targeted toward boys. I was right. Asp. in girls is much different and once I read up on it, I can totally see it. Asp. girls are more able to adapt to it. They realize more that they are different and therefore have learned to make the appropriate facial reactions and to show more on their faces, also able to get the subtle nuances of sarcasm.

After reading about it, I realized that Aislinn really doesn't get sarcasm THAT well. Just yesterday she swallowed a mint, and she asked if she'd be ok. I said "Oh yeah, you'll be fine, that is until your stomach explodes." You know.. haha. But, she was like "REALLY?!?" We had to literally break it down and let her know that if it was the case, wouldn't we be more concerned?

I will admit getting this diagnosis has been a comfort. It's not ME. For 9 years, I struggled with "Am I a bad parent?" I think that's pretty common. I told her Girl Scout leaders and they said "Ah you know... we've noticed a few things" One leader says it always looks like she has to pee. That's because she doesn't like her skin to touch between her legs, or the way the pants feel. So, she pushes the material into her crotch and crosses her legs. She does this CONSTANTLY and then wonders why people think she's gross at school. I tried to explain to her that hands in crotch will always freak people out. She just shrugged and said "well it bothers me" ok then.

Tony and I are doing well now. It was a rough patch and it took much longer to get used to having him home from deployment than other times. Before, I was with my family and him coming home was like him saving me from the situation. By staying home I realized.. huh life's a tad bit easier! We went back and forth on issues and finally we were able to get to a point where we could really say what was on our minds. He's gotten it finally. Doing the dishes isn't about doing the dishes for me. It's about showing me you love me enough to do it. You know? He's been more active with the kids, making plans for us on weekends, and helping around the house more.

Also, he's completely and utterly fallen in love with Louie! This makes me happy! I think when he got home, he felt he was competing with Louie for my attention. But, now if I pull Louie up to snuggle me in bed, he doesn't get mad. He pets him too. Louie loves him and gets so excited when he comes home. He has shown tenderness and love toward him lately I've never seen from him toward the dog. I think it took him this long to get over the "small dog" thing. I think after having our friends Golden Retriever here he realized that although doable, a big dog would be too mch work in our town home.

Me, well I am enjoying the few hours a day alone. LOVE IT. Jonny is doing well in Kindy. Above average is the report we got on him.

So, yes we're all doing well!

I got the icky blechs. Pretty much if you were to use my head as a pinata, you'd get snot candy. It would explain wow I felt really run down the last day and a half before it hit me yesterday evening. It was like I felt really tired, then my nostril kind of clogged, then I got a small runny nose, and then ka-blooie. Head full of snot. Now my throat hurts and my ear hurts. But, not in a strep kind of way, just in a sinus-y kind of way.

Everyone yaks on about netti pots, so I may try that. My sister says I can do the same thing with a wascloth. I have no problems using lab created pharmaceuticals to cure my shit. I took two dayquil earlier. Yet, I have found that a lot of natural remedies really do work and now I will try those first. Now I wonder if garlic on the bottom of the feet really will cure a fever.

Tony and I are in a rough spot. It's gone on for quite a long time. It's not everyday, and sometimes I can remember that he really is a good man. I've come to the conclusion last night that we're at the point where and I need to get over myself and stop being a bitch. I'll never tell him that, but it really is to that point. No matter how much I bitch, or complain, or keep to myself it's not going to solve anything and all it's going to do is make it worse. Then of course, he didn't do the dishes and I got all pissy again.

Is summer over yet? I am so tired of faking enthusiasm and the constant feeding of childred. I swear every ten minutes Aislinn is showing me something on her Pokemon game. Look! My blah blah is evolving !Look I caught a blah blah! Look how small a blah blah is compared to a person! (yes they do show a size comparison for fake pocket monsters). I try to be patient about it, and throw out the fake mommy "WOW!" and "AWESOME!" But, I found this only encourages her, so then I go to "Neat." notice lack of exclamation. Then it's just "MMhmmm" then I usually end it with "Seriously Aislinn! I don't want to hear about POKEMON all damn day" Then I calm down and vow to do better the next day and the whole process starts all over again. She seems to need a constant stream of electronic entertainment, but really it's August, it's hot, and school is about to start. I'm both not too worried and too tired to really give a shit. She'd be outside if one could go out there without melting.

As far as feeding children goes, this is just a fucking thorn in my side. Trust me, I don't want my kids to starve. Yet, whatever I suggest immediately gets poo pooed so I just stopped suggesting. Then of course, when I start fixing myself something to eat, then it's all "ooh what are you having? Eggs?" Even if I ask them before I make something to eat. "Do you want eggs? Do you want toast?" They almost always say no. Then, as I'm cooking MY food, they all of a sudden want something, usually completely different. If I making scrambled eggs, they want omelets. If I am having leftover chicken from last nights dinner, they want ramen noodles. Whatever it is, it usually means I have to WAIT to eat the food that I was in the process of cooking, which pisses me off as I'm pretty hungry at this point. Then, when I make it, they usually don't eat what I make. There have been a few times I've made them wait until I waas finished eating. I know that gives visions of my kids wasting away while I stuff my gullet. Not so. I just don't think jumping up to take care of a child's whim is a good thing.

Don't even get me started on dinner. It's too depressing. At least one will hate what I've made for dinner and will either eat cereal or canned raviolis. I've kind of slacked in the dinner department because it's too frustrating. Last night it was pushing 9 and I hadn't cooked a thing. Tony finally took it upon himself to try and fix them something to eat. Everything he suggested was met with disdain by one or both. He finally ended up playing short order cook, and I just said "Aaaand that's why I didn't cook dinner" It's exhausting!! It sucks having to cook a meal in the heat knowing that someone is going to whine.

I keep saying I'm going to ban all fast food, take out, eating out for a month. I say it, but I never do it. I give in way to much and I honestly think it's because I know it will always be met with a "YEAH!" and then I get to hear about how great a mom I am. It's easier in so many ways, but I always sit there feeling guilty about the crap food my kids are eating.

Today, I am babysitting my friends toddler daughter. We are at their house right now while the kids entertain her. She really digs "hanging out" with the older kids. It's funny because my kids are glued to BabyFirst Tv, while B hardly watches at all. They fussed a bit when I put it on, but it's mesmerizing. Even I get sucked in. There is something about it.

Driving over here this morning I was reminded me how long it's been since I've had to drive in any kind of traffic. On top of that, we were running behind, so I stopped and got us some breakfast from Chick-Fil-A so I'm trying to eat my sandwhich too. I rememeber a time when I could have a smoke in one hand, a sandwhich in another and still flip off the person next to me while I drove to work. Now, I hug the slow lane like it's my blankie, and weep softly as I try tentatively to merge. It doesn't help that the people here in VA are aggresive drivers on top of it all. It's enough to give me the vapors and recline in a cool dark room when I get back home.

The car. Oh man the car is all kinds of fucked up. At this point, Tony is just going to tear the engine apart and see if he can repair it on his own time because finding a used engine (Oh did I mention we needed a NEW FUCKING ENGINE?!?) isn't as easy as going to Auto Zone and picking one up. So, that has a stressed out a little bit. I don't mind driving him too and from. It's not far, but it does suck that he has to be dropped off at 6 am everyday. It's also ok now, but it's not going to work when the kids start school. He found a place online to order an engine that's pretty cheap, but found out to have it shipped would cost more than buying the engine.

So, that's what we're dealing with. You know.. life.