Friday, October 8, 2010


Bullying has been in the media a lot lately, with so many teens taking their lives because of it. I was bullied as a child and it hurt and affected me greatly until I was an adult, so I can relate to this kids to a point, but in reality, these children had it much, much worse.

Imagine everytime your phone alerted you to a text, that it was someone wanting to say something mean and nasty to you, going so far as to say they wish you would just die already. Imagine everytime you logged onto your Facebook, or your MySpace, you saw messages from co-workers calling you awful names. Calling you a slut, a whore, a piece of shit that should just die, a faggot, a lesbian. After reading these wall posts or messages, and recieving these texts, you log onto yahoo to talk to your actual friends, and then are bombarded with IM's from people who again wish you would just go away. Then, after ALL this, you have to go and face them at work the next day. Maybe, someone took an embarrassing photo or video of you and had passed it on to all your co-workers on top of all the harrassment. As an adult, this would be hard to handle. I don't know how I would react in this situation. Now, imagine all this happening to you when you were a hormonal teenager.

Today's tweens and teens have to deal with so many different aspects of bullying that we as children never had to experience. A child can be bullied quite literally 24 hours a day, 7 days a week between school and internet and cell phone. There has been such a wide jump in technology from when we were children to now, I think sometimes as parents, we don't realize that by blessing our children with fancy cell phones and internet access, we're also opening them up to potentially becoming victims. Sure, we're aware of internet pedophiles and accidental access to porn sites, but how many of us actually stop to see what other children are saying to our children. Better yet, how many of us are checking to see what OUR OWN children are saying to ANOTHER child.

Bullies have parents too, and often times those parents are clueless to what they're children are doing, and in some cases the parents ARE aware, and are helping their child bully another as was the case with Megan Meier. The mother of a girl who picked on Megan, made a fake MySpace account, pretending to be a boy who wooed and then suddenly turned on Megan, who then hung herself. Yes, the MOTHER and the mother's assistant played with this childs heart and emotions. She participated, knowingly and willingly in this abuse and the child DIED.

My heart breaks when I read another story of another child taking their own lives because they feel like they have no other option. It worries me even more when I hear so many dismissive comments from people who think this is all normal.

We all need to realize that today's kids really DO have it much worse than we did as a children when it comes to bullying. This isn't some bleeding heart liberal reteric I'm spewing. If we all just stop and think about how different the lives the kids lead now in general and then apply it to bullying, you can see how it's different.

About a year ago a young boy somehow got my number and harrassed me on my cell phone for a few days. He didn't say anything really bad. Used some curse words and things like that. At first, I thought it was funny, then it became tedious, and then I got angry. The angrier I got, the more gleeful he became. It got to the point where the sound of my phone ringing made me nervous. I became jumpy. I felt helpless because he always hid his number so I couldn't call back. I didn't know who he was and why he was picking on me of all people and I'm an adult. I can't even imagine how much worse I would feel if I was a teen and I KNEW who was harrassing me and then I had to face them at school the next day.

If we all work together, maybe we can change this horrible trend. It's going to take us as adults, parents especially to make this stop.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Getting Out In the World Today!

Ooooh today I'm doing something kind of crazy. Kind of.... kooky. I'm LEAVING THE HOUSE!! Not just for a quick errand or stop at the grocery store. I'm going to more than one place, and some of it involves another person. So, if you're wondering.. yes I will be taking a shower today thank you very much.

Let's get this out on the table ok? I am a homebody. Seriously. I like staying at home, and doing nothing. I LIKE talking to my dogs all day. I do! They don't talk back, but I see that they love it when I talk to them, and dress them in the kids old baby clothes, pushing Cuddles in a stroller while carrying Louie in the sling. They LOVE it..... er. Uh. Ahem. Yeah I mean just TALK to them. That's it. None of that other stuff.

Random aside... I new a new ringtone. My mother in law just called me, and I never realized how annoying the Dulcimer can be. Sheesh!

Anyway, what I was saying is that I am a homebody. That's just the way I am. I like to stay home, and sleep. I know it sounds like I have issues, and at one time I would probably agree with you, but I don't know. Sleeping is just.. well it's nice. Who doesn't like sleeping? Oh yeah weirdos like my mom. You know it's bad when your therapist purposely schedules your appointments before ten so you have to get up early because he thinks it's good for you.

I HAVE tried this week to make it a point not to go back to bed after the kids leave. Two out of three days I've done it. Yesterday I had to because I had raging insomnia the night before. I don't know why, but it was pretty bad, laying in bed until 3 am. Last night I decided to take melatonin to help me sleep. Within 15 minutes I was knocked out. It was weird to wake up and see that the clock said 2:12 and I had been asleep for awhile at this point. Usually, I'm awake at 2 am.

So, yep gonna shower and put my going to town clothes on and have myself a fun day. :) And the dogs can run around nude while I'm gone.

Monday, September 13, 2010


Ok, so this blog has completely fallen to the wayside and I know that, and I suck. What can I say? I suck!!

So, Saturday after the kids left with their dad, I headed out for my facial appointment and I was late. I was late because dickhead got there late. My plan was to shower after the kids left. He was supposed to pick them up at 11. Of course he didn't pick them up until noon. If he had just called and SAID he was going to be late, then I would have showered before he got there, but you know how it is, you hold off thinking it will be a few minutes and you keep doing that until you're like FUCK! I kept thinking.. if I shower, he'll show up and then I'll be nude WHILE HE'S HERE and well that's just unacceptable. Bad enough he has the impeccable timing to know when I'm pantless to show up at the door. Usually when I know he's coming, I get up at dawn, dress in a burka and wait JUST IN CASE.

Anyway, so I'm driving to my facial appointment and I've got the windows down, and I'm speeding, because that's how I drive. I'm not crazy speeder, but you know.. you gotta go a little fast, you're in a big metal box with an engine and wheels. In others words.. WHEEEEE! So, why drive slow? I'm also a bit aggravated because, and this was my own fault, I had to pack a bag before I left because after my appointment I was going to my guy friends house to hang out and stay the night. No you can't know his name. No he's not officially my boyfriend. No you can't have any details other than there is a person with a penis who I visit every chance I get that is NOT my boyfriend... yet. Like that little yet? Thought so, it gave me butterflies just typing it. Well, I was driving and realizing I forgot an asston of stuff because dickhead made me late (well, the bag I could have packed while I was waiting, but in the moment it was dickheads fault)

So, I'm driving, speeding and thoroughly distracted, yet I do have the right of mind to know that the salon has a way of sneaking up on me. That I always think I have further to go when BAM there it is and there it goes and the next u-turn is half a mile down the road and I'm late as it is. All this is going through my head, as I'm making a concious effort NOT to miss the salon, that I must remember... HOLY SHIT THERE'S THE SALON and instead of doing the good girl thing and continueing down the way half a mile down the road to make the u-turn I think slamming on the brakes and going over two lanes is the PERFECT idea.

Yeah not so much.

I completely cut off this guy who lays on the horn. Rightfully so, I mean I would have done the same as this guy if I were in his shoes. What I did was foolish and dangerous and all the other negative words that can describe the situation. But, yay for defensive driving on his part, we're both safe, move along have a good day.

So, why did this asshole follow me into the parking lot? Oh yeah, you read that right. He FOLLOWED ME. Now, I'm sweating and getting nervous. He turned down the side street and met me window to window before I could park.

I immediately say to him before he can get a word in "I am SO sorry, I am so sorry, I am so sorry." I must have said that like 5 or 6 times. I really was. I thought he would accept that and move on, but what I was forgetting is he FOLLOWED ME so, no he's going to get his say in.

"WHAT on earth were you thinking? What were you doing? You could have gotten me into a VERY serious accident. What were you thinking?" Ok, he's obviously irate, so I say in a very apologetic voice "I am so sorry sir, I apologize, I wasn't thinking, it was a horrible mistake I'm so sorry." Again thinking he would leave, granted in a huff, but satisfied. AGain, forgetting he chose to FOLLOW ME into the parking lot, so he's got more crazy to spew.

"What is your problem?!? I want to know your thought process!! I could give you a ticket you know. I should give you a ticket! What the HELL were you thinking? What is your problem? Why would you do something so dangerous and foolish?" Again more apologizing from me.

This goes back and forth about 2 more times, almost exactly. Him asking me the same questions (What was I thinking yadda yadda yadda) me apologizing (It was an accident, it was a mistake, I'm sorry).

Finally, I said "Look, I've apologized profusely, I told you I wasn't thinking, I made a mistake, and honestly sir, I don't know what more I can do to convince you I'm sorry. Yes, I could have caused an accident, but there wasn't one. We're both safe, and so are the other drivers, if I could go back and change it, I would but I can't. I'm sorry." Now, I'm saying this in a pissed off voice because I can't believe King Douche can't let this go.

Well, KD didn't like my TONE. He starts shaking his head and pulls out a notepad to take my name and number down. He said to give me his name, I said "Prove your a cop." Yeah. All of a sudden I got more "What were you thinking?" Just on and on and on.

I asked him what more could I do? Did he want money? He looked completely offended. Did he want blood? No, he wanted to know my thought process. Fine, I was driving, the salon came up on my suddenly, and without thinking.. I swerved. End of story. Was this good enough for KD? Nooooooooo. He wanted to harangue me more.

Finally, I burst into tears. Oh yeah. I did. Because the guy became like my dad. I love my dad but when I was a kid, no matter how much I tried to convince him of something, once he made up his mind that was it, and he'd keep going and going until I agreed that I did it too. Then I usually got spanked for lying. It wasn't like a flashback or anything, but it was just... I knew that no matter what I said, this guy wasn't going to be happy until I was completely contrite, and he wasn't going to leave me alone until I got the magnitude of what I had done, but yet he wasn't sure what it was going to take for him to be satisfied either, so harrassing me was the only option and I felt trapped so I cried.

He asked why I was crying I said "A strange man, confronts me in a parking lot? As a single woman you hear these things turning ugly all the time. I don't know you from Adam and here you are screaming at me." Oh but he's only screaming because I got an attitude first. Well, yeah I did. YOU FOLLOWED ME INTO A PARKING LOT TO HARRASS ME DOUCHEBAG.

At this point people are gathered around, Ashley the receptionist came out to check on the situation as she recognized my car, and at this point I was REALLY late. Finally, I pulled into a parking space, crying and yelling things like "Are you happy? Are you satisfied? You followed a strange woman into the parking lot and made her cry on a Saturday, and beautiful Saturday. Are you happy?!?" He starts to pull off and shaking his head he says one last thing "Unbelievable" and I'm all "Oh I'm unbelievable? You're the psycho that followed me into a parking lot to confront me your crazy creepster!!" I grab my purse, and walk in a huff into the salon, while I waited for Molly to take me into the back to start.

As I sit there, I cry, and cry. Not boohoo but, leaky eyes and sniffles. So much so I had to put my sunglasses on. Then when I went back to the darkened room, and explained to Molly what happened, she leaves and i get undressed and lay there crying HARDER. She comes back in and we start talking about it some more, and I'm proffessing my confusion as to why I'm crying so much over it.

As she starts the facial, and I'm still kind of ranting I said "I think the part that pisses me off the most? I was just told I was a bad driver by an ASIAN guy."

Sunday, March 28, 2010

As you can imagine, my world has been turned upside. My marriage, the marriage that I thought was awesome, the one I had no clue was in trouble, could be over. It's only been a little over a week since Tony hit me with the bombshell from halfway around the world. Just thinking about it makes me feel nauseous and flush. According to him, he started talking to a girl from his childhood online, he told her loved her and that he doesn't think we're good together, he's been unhappy for so long, and he doesn't think counseling will work.

To say this came as a shock is an understatement. To say I saw this coming would be a lie. I sit and think of all the things that were said and done before his deployment and I am lost. The man I speak to on the phone, who has so much hatred in his voice, is not the same man who left me a wonderful card in my car for me to find later, that made me weep in the parking lot of a store when I found it. Everyone who knows says it doesn't make any sense. That if he was so unhappy, he is an amazing actor.

How can you fall in love with someone in six weeks online? I know people have done it, but I still don't get it. He says I need to not focus on WHAT happened but why it happened. I don't know why it happened. From what he says our marriage was a "rollercoaster" and to me that is the definition of marriage. He says I was mean, but when I punched, kicked, belittled and treated him like shit, he loved me like a fat kid loves cake. In the last 4 years I've become emotionally stable and for some reason, he doesn't like it. Does he like and miss the crazy me? The one that was angry 24-7? Maybe in his head if I was mad 24-7 then he could tell himself it wasn't about him so much as it was just that I was a crazy person. Now that I'm different, could it be that when I am mad, he finally has to accept that maybe he isn't the saint everyone thinks he is?

I'm sure if you asked him he'd say no. He'd say he's unhappy and that's all that matters. Counseling won't work and our kids aren't worth the effort. He really can't give me a legitimate reason why he feels it won't work other than "I know you" which is his way of saying "You'll never let me live this down and I can't face that forever" well, maybe he should have thought of that beofre he stepped outside his marriage.

I am devastated. I am crushed. I am alone, and as days go on, everyone elses lives move on and I have no one to talk to. I wonder if this was his plan. Knowing I was all alone, and this would give me the most suffering. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. To scream and cry and rip out my hair. Yet, I don't get that luxury. I have the kids and I have to keep it together for them.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Two days in a row? No way!

I'm going to try and keep up with this thing. This might sound totally vain, but I love reading through my older entries and sometimes I think "Oh my God, I wrote that and it's pretty damn entertaining." There, that's my little secret for today. Do with it what you will.

Aislinn is turning 10 on Monday. TEN. TEN!! I just can't believe it. Where did the time go? Jonny turned 6 three weeks ago. They're both getting so big, and I am really relishing having two older kids. Life is so much simpler now. No diaper bags, no rushing around and dressing each kid or having to wipe faces and hands as they can now do it themselves. It's pretty awesome.

Funny enough, it does NOT make me want to have another baby. There was a period awhile ago where I thought about babies non stop. Even considered adopting at one point. I realized that it wasn't so much that I wanted a BABY than it was that I wanted something to care for. I got Louie and now Cuddles and I can't begin to tell you how much joy they bring me. Or. Wait. I'll be honest, LOUIE brings me joy. Cuddles hasn't really clicked into our family just yet. She still feels like a visitor, but we're getting there. Maybe if she wasn't such a surly asshat, we'd get there more quickly. Also, we'd get there more quickly if she stopped using the cat as a chew toy and Louie as her whipping boy when she's pissed. I'm tired of looking at his scab.

Anyway, what I'm saying is life feels good. But, I would say that now in Febuary right? Ask me again in July, when I'm all "life sucks and my husband is a dickhead" Actually, Tony will come home right in the midst of all that. I wonder how I'll be?

Monday, February 8, 2010

I really should write in this more huh?

So, the big thing around here has been Aislinn's diagnosis. She has been diagnosed as ADD, as we knew, but she's also been diagnosed as having Aspergers. As you can imagine, this upset Tony and I very much. Yet, upon reflecting on it, we can't help but to agree that it only makes sense. It explains her maturity level, which is behind other kids and always has been. It explains her clothing issues (and here I thought she was being a pain in the ass). It explains her bossiness and need to control the play with other kids. It explains why she wants to talk to everyone and doesn't get when they're done talking. With an Aspie kid, as they're called they lack empathy more so than another child.

They can't put themselves in other people's shoes. Aislinn controls the play because she can't understand why no one else wants to play lions when she thinks it so freaking fun. Who wouldn't want to play? Even though the clerk asked her a question to be polite, Aislinn can't see that, and therefore will go on and on while the clerk is trying to do her job. Aislinn likes being comfortable and can't understand why she has to look "nice". To her, Pokemon are the coolest thing ever, why does mom and dad not want to talk about it everyday? (we have actually told her no Pokemon talk allowed a few times because we were so sick of it)

Aspergers is one of those disorders that seems misunderstood. The best way I can describe it is an extreme lack of social skills. Boy, does that describe Aislinn to a "T" People think she should be like Rain Man or something, because it's linked with autism. I expect people to throw down a bunch of toothpicks and have her count them when they hear. It's not like that. Especially for girls. She will not need to be put in special ed, or need to live in a home as an adult, or be under our care forever. She can go on and live her life, get married and have children if she so wishes.

Basically, Asperger's makes her a natural rebel. I'm not trying to make it seem super cool or anything, but Aislinn because she thinks differently will always be that argumentative kid that is going to question everything. She doesn't heed societal norms. This can be both a hindrance and a blessing. Aspie kids are also usually very bright and smart, but because they think differently they may have a hard time at school because they don't fit the "mold" which is something I've always complained about in the past with her.

We're working our way through the process. Her teacher has been super helpful, even though Aislinn thinks she hates her. When I told Mrs. N that, she was really upset and sounded like she was going to cry. She's really trying to help her. She allows Aislinn to sit at the island when she needs to work alone, whenever she wants. It's hard because Aislinn has developed a verbal tic. One that is very distracting and loud. Because her ADD is best treated with stimulants, it brings out the tics and makes them worse. Without the stimulants she can't focus, but with them we get tics. Aislinn has always had tics, but I never knew that's what they were. I just thought Aislinn was weird. She's on another medicine to control the tics, but we just started that so I don't know how well it will work. I noticed them a lot less in the last few days, but she also wasn't on her Concerta.

So, all the things that I used to complain about with Aislinn wasn't just because she wanted to make my life miserable. It was because she truly had a medical reason. I feel guilty about that sometimes, but I try not to dwell on it too much. Right now, I'm trying to find the right balance for discipline. One of the hardest things was trying to ignore the verbal tic which is a high pitched screech in her throat. It really just jars you when it's quiet and I can see why the other kids are getting pissed in her class. That was the reason we decided to medicate this tic. The other kids are making fun of her for it. The more they do that, the more she needs to do it, and it's a vicious cycle.

Hopefully, with the right meds and support, Aislinn will achieve greatness in school. She's so smart and her teacher said if we can just get this all working right, Aislinn could easily be a straight A student.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Facebook is just a time suck isn't it? It never gets old and you can spend hours on there. Aislinn keeps bugging me for a Facebook account and I just can't do it. I can't let her take that step yet. I know she only wants it because she wants to play all the games we play. She's nine, she doesn't necessarily want to social network, know what I'm saying? There are many reasons I don't want her to have one. My main thing is, of course her safety. Sure, I could sit here and watch her like a hawk and approve her friend requests and all that, but who wants to? Then, I'd have to friend her, and then I couldn't post things like "Miley Cyrus is a twat waffle" because she'd want to know what a twat waffle was, and I REALLY don't want to have that conversation.

The other day she complained about her tv in her room. What is wrong with the tv? It doesn't have DVR. That's right. It is not up to her standard because she can't fucking pause it to go to the bathroom, therefore she refuses to watch it Forget that it has like 4,575,893 channels on it, most of those cartoons. What the hell? My tv was black and white and had bunny ears. We didn't have cable until I was 13 and it was only on ONE tv. The one my dad watched. If he was up, we were screwed, we went to the basement and watched Heathcliff through the fuzz on the screen. I once tried to explain the concept of cartoons coming on only in the morning (you usually missed them because of school), in the afternoon (you usually missed those because of homework) and on Saturdays. Sundays sucked because it was church shows and then Tarzan and then the 3 Stooges and then a dumb movie. You didn't WANT to stay home from school, because after the Price is Right, your mom just watched her "stories" and it was always filled with icky kissing and stuff.

Sure, my day would suck if DVR went away, but I grew up where a remote control? THAT was optional and cost more. Our big tv didn't have one, my mom refused to get one because she didn't want us to be lazy. Good in theory, but we just sat really close to the TV so we could be arms length away from the buttons. Coincidentally, we all had bad eyes growing up. My dad just used us kids as the remote. "Start at channel 2 and go up, slow enough so I can see what's on, but not too slow, and I'll tell you when to stop" We just hoped he found something he wanted to watch in the first 2o channels. Most the time we would sit there cycling through so he could see what was on all the channels that happened to be on a commercial when we passed through it the first time.

Another thing she complained about.. no wifi in the car. Seriously. We were driving around doing errands, and I hear this frustrated grunt. I asked her what was wrong and she said "I was trying to go to the global trading center in my Pokemon game, and there's no wifi" she said the last bit with a disgusted sneer. She actually asked me if we could go to a Starbucks or something so we could get wifi. She said we didn't have to go in. I swear I'm not making this shit up. Anytime I sing something the kids don't recognize, Jonny assumes it's from Sesame Street because it sounds like something a dumb baby show like Sesame Street would have in it. Yes, my FIVE year old thinks Sesame Street is for babies. I think I watched it until I was 14. Oscar the Grouch is dumb, but Spongebob is AWESOME, so what does he know?

And if you were wondering... yes I did walk to school uphill both ways during blizzards with paper shoes.. that's the way it was, and gosh darn it we LIKED it.