Facebook is just a time suck isn't it? It never gets old and you can spend hours on there. Aislinn keeps bugging me for a Facebook account and I just can't do it. I can't let her take that step yet. I know she only wants it because she wants to play all the games we play. She's nine, she doesn't necessarily want to social network, know what I'm saying? There are many reasons I don't want her to have one. My main thing is, of course her safety. Sure, I could sit here and watch her like a hawk and approve her friend requests and all that, but who wants to? Then, I'd have to friend her, and then I couldn't post things like "Miley Cyrus is a twat waffle" because she'd want to know what a twat waffle was, and I REALLY don't want to have that conversation.

The other day she complained about her tv in her room. What is wrong with the tv? It doesn't have DVR. That's right. It is not up to her standard because she can't fucking pause it to go to the bathroom, therefore she refuses to watch it Forget that it has like 4,575,893 channels on it, most of those cartoons. What the hell? My tv was black and white and had bunny ears. We didn't have cable until I was 13 and it was only on ONE tv. The one my dad watched. If he was up, we were screwed, we went to the basement and watched Heathcliff through the fuzz on the screen. I once tried to explain the concept of cartoons coming on only in the morning (you usually missed them because of school), in the afternoon (you usually missed those because of homework) and on Saturdays. Sundays sucked because it was church shows and then Tarzan and then the 3 Stooges and then a dumb movie. You didn't WANT to stay home from school, because after the Price is Right, your mom just watched her "stories" and it was always filled with icky kissing and stuff.

Sure, my day would suck if DVR went away, but I grew up where a remote control? THAT was optional and cost more. Our big tv didn't have one, my mom refused to get one because she didn't want us to be lazy. Good in theory, but we just sat really close to the TV so we could be arms length away from the buttons. Coincidentally, we all had bad eyes growing up. My dad just used us kids as the remote. "Start at channel 2 and go up, slow enough so I can see what's on, but not too slow, and I'll tell you when to stop" We just hoped he found something he wanted to watch in the first 2o channels. Most the time we would sit there cycling through so he could see what was on all the channels that happened to be on a commercial when we passed through it the first time.

Another thing she complained about.. no wifi in the car. Seriously. We were driving around doing errands, and I hear this frustrated grunt. I asked her what was wrong and she said "I was trying to go to the global trading center in my Pokemon game, and there's no wifi" she said the last bit with a disgusted sneer. She actually asked me if we could go to a Starbucks or something so we could get wifi. She said we didn't have to go in. I swear I'm not making this shit up. Anytime I sing something the kids don't recognize, Jonny assumes it's from Sesame Street because it sounds like something a dumb baby show like Sesame Street would have in it. Yes, my FIVE year old thinks Sesame Street is for babies. I think I watched it until I was 14. Oscar the Grouch is dumb, but Spongebob is AWESOME, so what does he know?

And if you were wondering... yes I did walk to school uphill both ways during blizzards with paper shoes.. that's the way it was, and gosh darn it we LIKED it.

Three months really?

That long eh?

I often think I should write in this thing especially when I'm feeling down, but damn if that was the case I'd be on this fucker all day.

So life. Yeah. Well, I guess the big thing would be that Aislinn has fallen on the Asperger's scale. Everything I read about Asperger's though didn't really fit her. I decided to then google Asperger's and girls, since ADD with girls is much different than ADD with boys and yet most of the info is targeted toward boys. I was right. Asp. in girls is much different and once I read up on it, I can totally see it. Asp. girls are more able to adapt to it. They realize more that they are different and therefore have learned to make the appropriate facial reactions and to show more on their faces, also able to get the subtle nuances of sarcasm.

After reading about it, I realized that Aislinn really doesn't get sarcasm THAT well. Just yesterday she swallowed a mint, and she asked if she'd be ok. I said "Oh yeah, you'll be fine, that is until your stomach explodes." You know.. haha. But, she was like "REALLY?!?" We had to literally break it down and let her know that if it was the case, wouldn't we be more concerned?

I will admit getting this diagnosis has been a comfort. It's not ME. For 9 years, I struggled with "Am I a bad parent?" I think that's pretty common. I told her Girl Scout leaders and they said "Ah you know... we've noticed a few things" One leader says it always looks like she has to pee. That's because she doesn't like her skin to touch between her legs, or the way the pants feel. So, she pushes the material into her crotch and crosses her legs. She does this CONSTANTLY and then wonders why people think she's gross at school. I tried to explain to her that hands in crotch will always freak people out. She just shrugged and said "well it bothers me" ok then.

Tony and I are doing well now. It was a rough patch and it took much longer to get used to having him home from deployment than other times. Before, I was with my family and him coming home was like him saving me from the situation. By staying home I realized.. huh life's a tad bit easier! We went back and forth on issues and finally we were able to get to a point where we could really say what was on our minds. He's gotten it finally. Doing the dishes isn't about doing the dishes for me. It's about showing me you love me enough to do it. You know? He's been more active with the kids, making plans for us on weekends, and helping around the house more.

Also, he's completely and utterly fallen in love with Louie! This makes me happy! I think when he got home, he felt he was competing with Louie for my attention. But, now if I pull Louie up to snuggle me in bed, he doesn't get mad. He pets him too. Louie loves him and gets so excited when he comes home. He has shown tenderness and love toward him lately I've never seen from him toward the dog. I think it took him this long to get over the "small dog" thing. I think after having our friends Golden Retriever here he realized that although doable, a big dog would be too mch work in our town home.

Me, well I am enjoying the few hours a day alone. LOVE IT. Jonny is doing well in Kindy. Above average is the report we got on him.

So, yes we're all doing well!

I got the icky blechs. Pretty much if you were to use my head as a pinata, you'd get snot candy. It would explain wow I felt really run down the last day and a half before it hit me yesterday evening. It was like I felt really tired, then my nostril kind of clogged, then I got a small runny nose, and then ka-blooie. Head full of snot. Now my throat hurts and my ear hurts. But, not in a strep kind of way, just in a sinus-y kind of way.

Everyone yaks on about netti pots, so I may try that. My sister says I can do the same thing with a wascloth. I have no problems using lab created pharmaceuticals to cure my shit. I took two dayquil earlier. Yet, I have found that a lot of natural remedies really do work and now I will try those first. Now I wonder if garlic on the bottom of the feet really will cure a fever.

Tony and I are in a rough spot. It's gone on for quite a long time. It's not everyday, and sometimes I can remember that he really is a good man. I've come to the conclusion last night that we're at the point where and I need to get over myself and stop being a bitch. I'll never tell him that, but it really is to that point. No matter how much I bitch, or complain, or keep to myself it's not going to solve anything and all it's going to do is make it worse. Then of course, he didn't do the dishes and I got all pissy again.

Is summer over yet? I am so tired of faking enthusiasm and the constant feeding of childred. I swear every ten minutes Aislinn is showing me something on her Pokemon game. Look! My blah blah is evolving !Look I caught a blah blah! Look how small a blah blah is compared to a person! (yes they do show a size comparison for fake pocket monsters). I try to be patient about it, and throw out the fake mommy "WOW!" and "AWESOME!" But, I found this only encourages her, so then I go to "Neat." notice lack of exclamation. Then it's just "MMhmmm" then I usually end it with "Seriously Aislinn! I don't want to hear about POKEMON all damn day" Then I calm down and vow to do better the next day and the whole process starts all over again. She seems to need a constant stream of electronic entertainment, but really it's August, it's hot, and school is about to start. I'm both not too worried and too tired to really give a shit. She'd be outside if one could go out there without melting.

As far as feeding children goes, this is just a fucking thorn in my side. Trust me, I don't want my kids to starve. Yet, whatever I suggest immediately gets poo pooed so I just stopped suggesting. Then of course, when I start fixing myself something to eat, then it's all "ooh what are you having? Eggs?" Even if I ask them before I make something to eat. "Do you want eggs? Do you want toast?" They almost always say no. Then, as I'm cooking MY food, they all of a sudden want something, usually completely different. If I making scrambled eggs, they want omelets. If I am having leftover chicken from last nights dinner, they want ramen noodles. Whatever it is, it usually means I have to WAIT to eat the food that I was in the process of cooking, which pisses me off as I'm pretty hungry at this point. Then, when I make it, they usually don't eat what I make. There have been a few times I've made them wait until I waas finished eating. I know that gives visions of my kids wasting away while I stuff my gullet. Not so. I just don't think jumping up to take care of a child's whim is a good thing.

Don't even get me started on dinner. It's too depressing. At least one will hate what I've made for dinner and will either eat cereal or canned raviolis. I've kind of slacked in the dinner department because it's too frustrating. Last night it was pushing 9 and I hadn't cooked a thing. Tony finally took it upon himself to try and fix them something to eat. Everything he suggested was met with disdain by one or both. He finally ended up playing short order cook, and I just said "Aaaand that's why I didn't cook dinner" It's exhausting!! It sucks having to cook a meal in the heat knowing that someone is going to whine.

I keep saying I'm going to ban all fast food, take out, eating out for a month. I say it, but I never do it. I give in way to much and I honestly think it's because I know it will always be met with a "YEAH!" and then I get to hear about how great a mom I am. It's easier in so many ways, but I always sit there feeling guilty about the crap food my kids are eating.

Today, I am babysitting my friends toddler daughter. We are at their house right now while the kids entertain her. She really digs "hanging out" with the older kids. It's funny because my kids are glued to BabyFirst Tv, while B hardly watches at all. They fussed a bit when I put it on, but it's mesmerizing. Even I get sucked in. There is something about it.

Driving over here this morning I was reminded me how long it's been since I've had to drive in any kind of traffic. On top of that, we were running behind, so I stopped and got us some breakfast from Chick-Fil-A so I'm trying to eat my sandwhich too. I rememeber a time when I could have a smoke in one hand, a sandwhich in another and still flip off the person next to me while I drove to work. Now, I hug the slow lane like it's my blankie, and weep softly as I try tentatively to merge. It doesn't help that the people here in VA are aggresive drivers on top of it all. It's enough to give me the vapors and recline in a cool dark room when I get back home.

The car. Oh man the car is all kinds of fucked up. At this point, Tony is just going to tear the engine apart and see if he can repair it on his own time because finding a used engine (Oh did I mention we needed a NEW FUCKING ENGINE?!?) isn't as easy as going to Auto Zone and picking one up. So, that has a stressed out a little bit. I don't mind driving him too and from. It's not far, but it does suck that he has to be dropped off at 6 am everyday. It's also ok now, but it's not going to work when the kids start school. He found a place online to order an engine that's pretty cheap, but found out to have it shipped would cost more than buying the engine.

So, that's what we're dealing with. You know.. life.

Sucktacular week ended

So, everything seems to be going ok. Ringworm is slowly clearing up on the kids, not so much the cats. I made a vet appointment for the kitten next week, so we'll see. I am doing all I can to clear it up, but it just takes time.

We got out provisional credit fairly early. I love that it's provisional. Like we frauded ourselves from afar.

One cool thing happened. I went to the dentist a few months ago. They gave me an X-ray. The insurance company denied the claim because I had gotten an x-ray 2 years and 10 months earlier. I'm allowed one ever 3 years. I get the bill, and set it aside thinking I'll contact the insurance company to have it taken care of. Well, my ADD got in the way, and it never happened. I get another bill this time threatening to steal and eat my kitten if I don't pay. I say.. fine by me, she's all funus-y anyway. But, her adorable face got me and I went and paid it yesterday. When I got there, the finance lady was not there. So, I paid it with the receptionist, who is the dentist's wife. Explain to her why I have to pay etc. I get a call this morning, and they're crediting my account. Which is freaking sweet. I think brining the kids in with me helped. At least they're good for SOMETHING.

I have been super hungry lately. I hate it. I've been doing low carb quite well the last few week, but the last two mornings at like 4 am I've been getting up and eating massive amounts of cereal because it's that or be sick. Of course its like knock off cookie crisp and fruity pebbles. I don't know what my deal is. Like right now, I could eat. It's not boredom either, not that "meh I could eat something" to have a taste in my mouth. It's all out hunger. I've had water and waited but it's not going away.

Tony had duty today, and that sucks. Tomorrow I have to baby sit for my friend. We'll hang out there because it's close to Tony's work, and we'll pick him up and then go to therapy, where he will meet my therapist and have a talk with him with me. I'm nervous. What if they gang up on me?

Sucktacular week

That title isn's an exaggeration either. It truly was a sucktacular week.

First of all, July was a sucky month for me emotionally. It's like this every July, and it always hits me hard. My mood changes around end of May, beginning of June and it just slowly ramps up until about the beginning of August, and then starts a down hill descent into normal-dom by September. It sucks. It was kind of worse this summer, but it's getting better. Tony's eyes are now safe, I no longer feel the need to claw them out of his face.

Anyway, back to sucktacular week. First of all, the kitten from Hell. She's adorable but has been a pain in the ass since we got her. She's sickly, always full of snot. When we took her to the vet, we were given THREE oral syrups to give her, twice a day. What. The. Hell? Three? That's a lot of fucking work. Granted, we didn't have to pay for it since it was covered under the shelter's account. It pisses me off for a twp reasons. First of all, you're a fucking shelter. Not that you can guarantee me a healthy cat, but in reality, I'm doing you a fucking favor by taking her. I could have gotten a free kitten from Craigslist. Yes, yes I know.. you run on donations, and you are short staffed blah blah blah. Whatever. Go cry on your tax exempion forms.


Second, Lola wasn't the cat we wanted. We wanted another one that was a boy. Don't get me wrong, I think it ended up for the better as she's super affectionate, but here's the kicker.. they wouldn't let us have the boy because they felt HE WAS TOO SICKLY. They said he had some intestinal issues, and felt like our family wouldn't be a good match as he may need more medical attention. What kind of business are they running over there? Jeez. Lola is sickly, the other cat must have like a little kitty oxygen tank we didn't see or something.

On top of being sickly, she got ringworm. I didn't know that's what it was, just assumed she was losing some hair or something. I didn't realize what it was until Aislinn got ring worm. Now, both Aislinn and the kitten have ringworm and both are pissy about putting medicine on. Jonny has poison ivy and Tony has both. I haven't gotten anything so far, although now I'm noticing some weird bumps on my thigh. No matter how much crap I put on Aislinn she wakes up with more on her. It's now on her HANDS, because do yu think she can leave the kitten alone? Last night I looked at Leah our adult cat and guess what's on her chin? All of a sudden she and Lola are best buds, and since Leah is a licker.. well there you go. How do I keep medicine on her CHIN? She just licks it right off. If it doesn't get better for us all soon, the kitten and cat will have to be seperated and sequestered from the rest of the family. It's going to suck.

So, today I have to go on a quest for sulphur soap because of the ringworm. Fun.

To go on with the sucktacular week, I dropped the ball on Jonny's kindy physical you know because of the crazy I get, and got an appointment for August 31st. School starts like Sept.2nd or something. I hate living in a military town and dealing with the bullshit healthcare system they have here. If you get sick, you need like a month warning to get seen.

While I'm stressing out about that, Tony walks in from work. The car broke down on him on the way to work. His friend towed him to a lot, he went to work, and a friend gave him a ride home. He got all his tools and went to fix it. Was it fixable? Of course not. He pays to have it towed home. While he's doing this, I'm googling. Everything is pointing to the timing belt, which is BAD BAD NEWS for a foreign car. When a timing belt goes out on a Kia, the gates of hell open up and swallows your soul and the souls of your family members, condemning you all to an eternity of scorching fire. Ok, well not really, but it does fuck up your engine. Not as bad as the fiery depths of hell, but we now may need either a new engine.. or more than likely a new car. There is still a glimmer of hope because when it died it did so with quiet dignity. Not the catastrophic event that makes all your pistons and doohickies in the engine to smash together like a bunch of people in a mosh pit. We may be able to just to change the belt and be ok. Tony and his friends will work on in next week. Which means I've been having to pick him up and drop him off. Waking up at 6:30 when you've gone to bed at 2 sucks.

So pretty suck week huh? BUT WAIT.. THER'S MORE.

On Friday, which was payday I went online to start paying bills. Went to our bank site, logged into our account and someone had stolen $419 out of our checking account. So, I call customer service, and get told that this has been a problem all week. That someone got a hold of visa check card numbers and made fake cards and used them at various 7-elevens and RaceTrack gas stations in Florida. Right before she put me on hold she kind of is talking to herself and says "are you a part of e-statements? Yep, you are." and then she sighs heavily. She also said this in a knowing kind of like the e-statements were the problem kind of thing. What's hilarious is that they had a big push for their e-statements. You couldn't get to your account without a pic of a guy wearing pantyhose on his face with the words "Don't let this guy steal your identity or money! Enroll for E-statements today!" So, I did, and it ended up being the cause of oour problem.

She comes back on the line, tells me all I have to do, and then says we will get "provisional credit" in 2-157 days. So, even though it wasn't OUR fault, even though we fit the profile of rampant fraud being committed, even though Tony had the card in his possession and never uses it online.. EVEN THOUGH WE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.. we'll get our money when the 2nd coming of Jesus happens, or whenever they feel like giving it us. Because.. you know I don't need $419 to pay my bills or get food or anything.

We've just been hanging around the house this weekend because we're afraid a meteor is going to fall out of the sky and crush one of us. Oh damn. I just cursed myself.

When I went to my therapy appointment, I was talking about how I felt stressed about having to constantly find ways to entertain the children. Not that we're doing anything fun, I have to save money for our trip back home in December (A whole 'nother thing bugging me.) and money is limited. But, I think about it a lot, and I do what I can when we can. The therapist asked me what my husband did with the kids, and I just stared at him like he had sprouted a horn and a third nipple right before my eyes. Husband? Kids? Together? Doing... things? Things that don't involve me? After what he was asking sunk in, I collapsed in a fit of giggles right there on his couch. Funny man! Dads doing things with kids. Hilarious!

After my giggle fit, he assured me tha yes, he was quite serious. That when his kids were youger they were HIS on the weekend. He said it was never a question, and he took them out and did things with them every weekend because he was always working. I just stared with wide eyed wonderment at this wonderful thing he was speaking of.

I told my therapist that I was feeling Tony should be more involved, but haven't said anything. This is how an argument goes with Tony.

"Tony, I'm not trying to upset you, but I really think you should clean up the yard"

"Oh my GOD, you think I'm a fucking horrible husband and father and I don't evne know why you stay with me, if everything I do is wrong."

So, yeah you see why I've stopped telling him things. I've gone to being super bitch do as I say and DO IT NOW kind of person, to a really, it's never going to change why bother kind of person, and it really bugs me. When I was a bitch, I got my way but it's exhausting. So, my thinking was.. if I lay off he'll naturally do the things he needs to do, and that blew up in my face because his natural instinct is to be totally selfish and lazy. You know, he continued BEING A MAN, but a man without constant nagging to steer him proper.

So, anyway, I asked the therapist "Well, what about him working all week?" Because, I come a family where the man does what he wants, when he wants, because DAMN IT he worked all week and deserves it. My therapist just shrugged and said "yeah it sucks for the dad, but you know they're not kids forever. Now I have all the time in the world to do what I want."

Trying to fight the urge to make out with my therapist, I left with some things to think about.

Long story short, I had a talk with Tony about it. I feel that especially in our situation, he really needs to make an effort. Since he's come home from deployment, (you know that time he was gone for FIVE MONTHS! That time, where he got to live like a college student for almost HALF A YEAR. You know that time where I was stuck here holding down the fort while he played with guns and got drunk for A HUNDRED A FIFTY DAYS?) he's taken the kids out to do something.. ready for this? TWICE.

Yeah.

He took it well, because I made him work for my talk. When he came home, he could tell I was upset, and I said "Why even tell you, you'll just make it all about how you're a victim" totally passive aggressive but it worked. After about two hours of my pouting and denying him, he was practically BEGGING me to bitch him out. I shall remember this. Of course, he wanted to tell me about the one time recently when he dropped off Aislinn at Girl Scout stuff at the park, and he took Jonny along with him to pick her up. I think I stared at HIM like he sprouted a horn and a third nipple. Wow, congrats.

He said he knew he was slacking, and that he'll try to do better. I'll try to believe it this time and not roll my eyes.

Life has been pretty quiet around. It's summer and the kids are in a never ending mix of fun and boredom. This year, the two kids down the street are allowed to come out and play all day, so that's what they have been doing. Also, we bought them one of those huge pools with a ladder and everything. I am surprised and also a little miffed at how little it gets used. I guess for a kid, it's more fun to hang out with friends in the heat than to play with your sib in the pool. Especially when mean ole mom doesn't let the kids down the street in the pool. Isn't that horrible? I feel guilty and I know I will have to relent eventually, but the thought of four wet and whiny kids in and out of my backyard/pool is enough to give me the vapors. Plus, they've had their pool up for WEEKS and my kids haven't been asked to join them in it. I'm not playing tit for tat, I'm just saying.. I'm not the only mom that doesn't like the idea, thank God.

We've spent some time at the beach, but mainly most out time at home. The kids have been surprisingly ok with that. They watch tv, play with the pets. Even without the Wii (which is on the fritz and sitting in a box waiting to be shipped back for repairs) they've been pretty mellow.
They're older now, and damn if it's not amazing and awesome and super fucking cool.

Jonny was 3 months old when Tony got his vasectomy. Everyone hinted that we would regret that decision. That once Jonny got out of his baby days, we'd want another one. Sure, there are times when I see a baby and my ovaries let loose a plethora of eggs, but it's always short lived. We ARE complete and I know it,and I love it, and I don't want it to change. We got started in the baby making department first out of our group of friends, and while they're doing diaper duty and breastfeeding, their lives on hold for the next few years, we're taking our kids to see Transformers 2 and they were able to sit and enjoy a 2 and a half hour movie without a fuss. No one was scared, or wanted to go home, or cried. When we left we were able to discuss the movie and who we liked and what we didn't like. I was very worried about taking them to see it. It is rated pg-13. But, halfway through the movie I turned to Tony and said "Oh my God, it's AWESOME to have older kids!"

Aislinn is just getting so big. She is growing like a weed. I know when we go to St. Louis next time, people are going to freak out. She's looks so grown up. She's starting to get into my girly things, although her natural stubborn streak makes her fight the urge. But, she is sporting painted nails and toes, although she wants DARK colors. I'm ok with that. She let me put a french braid in her hair. and when she saw it, was very excited and just loved the way it looked.

Jonny is getting big too, but he's still five and the baby and acts like it. He's still my snuggle bug.

Life has been good. My summer depression has showed up, but my family understands (finally!) and gives me a wide berth and a pass when it comes to certain things, and because they've beeen so understanding, I've feel better and willing to do more around here. Tony has been great. He's been getting into cooking more and more. Last night he made us amazing chicken wings. It's nice that once or twice a week, he can take over cooking duty. It cuts back on the eating out when I just feel too tired to cook.

So, it's been fine here, a bit quiet, a lot relaxed, and going well.

So, I don't know how many times I've sat down to write something in this thing, only to get a sentence or two out and then quit. I don't know. My life is just boring I guess. Facebook has sucked the life right out of me.

As I sit here, I worry about Louie. He's crazy allergic to fleas and I don't know what to do. There isn't a medicine out there that repels fleas, other than Advantix and I've read some scary stuff about it, especially for smaller dogs. Also, not once has my vet reccomended it. Frontline works, but if your pet gets a flea, it takes 18 hours of coming in contact with your pet for it to work. So, for 18 hours, Louie is the flea's personal buffet, making him miserable.

If I see him being aggresive with a spot, I'll get the flea comb out and give him a once over, but trying to find one flea on a dog with a wiry top coat, and a thick undercoat is hard. I will admit feeling a great sense of accomplishment when I do find it though and smash that little fucker on the comb, even better if there is an audible pop. I'm gross like that.

Basically, we're treating him with meds to keep his comfort level as close to normal. He has to take a antihistamine twice a day and I have a topical spray that I use when he's really going nuts. He is TERRIFIED of the spray. He runs away. I only used a water bottle as a punishment once before when we first got him. Well, that is until Jonny got a hold of it, and took Louie to the side of the house and sprayed him over and over again, making it a fun game. When I couldn't find them, I yelled for them, and here comes a guilty kid and a very wet and happy dog.

Jonny has been a bit of a pill lately. I'm just so used to him being so good. Tony and I are noticing that Jonny is "that" kid when he plays. The one who can dish but can't take it. He comes runnining in every five minutes wanting to tattle on some kid. Come to find out, it's usually becasue Jonny is being a d-bag. Like, yesterday he came in WAILING saying that the other kids beat him up. Aislinn even came in and said "Yeah they were, I thought they were playing, but they weren't" So, I'm thinking it's the older kids Aislinn was playing with. Tony goes out there and the kid that "beat up" Jonny was smaller than him and he did it because Jonny called him a name. Now, I'm not saying Jonny deserved to get his ass kicked... but.. well... I'm just saying. Really, he didn't get his ass kicked, the kid pushed him down to the ground. That's what happens when you call someone a name. Tough lesson to learn kid. He wasn't really happy when his Dad told him that. He's an antagonizer, then when the kids retaliate, he runs to mom. Usually I tell him to suck it up and if he's going to keep crying he can stay in the house. THat usually works for awhile.

Aislinn has her bridging ceremony tomorrow for Girl Scouts. That's where she leaves the Brownies behind and continues her journey as a Junior. Her leader, who will be her leader in the Juniors asked me if Aislinn even liked Girl Scouts. That was a puzzling question, since I thought it was obvious that she did. Tani said that Aislinn often seemed upset to be there, or not into it. I told her that she is, but she likes crafts and outdoorsy stuff and when it falls into singing or manners or anything she deems too girly eh you're not going to get the most positive of responses. We're thinking that when she moves up it will be more fun for her. First of all, there are THREE girls in her Brownie group. The two other girls are younger than Aislinn, and one of those two girls really pisses Aislinn off. The co-leader sucks as she's all about her daughter and not the other two girls. Her daughter is the kind of kid who always has something "special" planned for each meeting. The kind of kid who cries when she doesn't get her way. You know the kind.

Having Tony home has been nice. We're adjusting but I'll save that for another time.

Quivering with excitement

I am so happy I could burst! Tony goes to work on Friday!! Teehee! It's going to be awesome.

We went from not seeing him for many months to having him home for three straight weeks. It's been awesome and fun, but my shiz is all screwed up. I forgot Aislinn's therapy appointment yesterday, and even though the therapist reminded me before we left about my appointment today, yep almost missed it. I woke up at 10:21 and my appointment was at 10:30. I made it. I stunk and had morning breath, but I made it. Then I spent 45 minutes talking about dog food and how you have to buy the good kind.

Aislinn still has school, and doesn't get out until the 18th. I feel bad for her. That's a long time!! I've been researching some acitivities to break up her summer. I am going to get her a membership to the rec center and get her in some martial arts and pottery I think. She's right at the age where she can start doing all the fun things.

Oh hey ya'll

So, yeah. Lots going on in recent weeks. Mainly, the touching of my things. Funny how possesive a person can become when left to their own devices for many months. Tony will move something and it freaks me the fuck out. I'm being nice about it for the most part, but I am missing a ton of Real Woman dollars from Lane Bryant and that's like throwing out fucking money. I could be buying shit right now, but can't because someone fingered my shit and NOT in a good way.

I bitch of course, but it is nice having my husband home again. He's in total fixer upper mode which is nice. We're discussing paint colors and all that jazz. I'm hoping to get some paint and have him start this weekend. I have found the perfect colors finally. I figure if it looks like ass, we can always repaint.

Our big thing of course was our trip to Disney which was fabulous. We had a great time. Honestly, though we're not Disney people. When I watched grown women weeping over seeing Mickey like he's fucking John Lennon... I rolled my eyes. I didn't scream or get overly excited. We had breakfast with Mickey and the gang and had the misfortune of sitting next to a woman who dressed her baby as Mickey. Everytime a character would come to the table, she would scream their name, get the vapors, pee a little and then faint. When they would come to our table we would give and akward "Hey it's ...." and Aisy would get an autograph, we'd all pose awkwardly, and then sit down. Don't get me wrong, it was fun, but come on.. it's not REALLY Pluto. It's some chick who thought she'd get a job being a Disney Princess, but instead was stuck in a hot, stinky costume, posing with fat families as a giant non speaking dog. The fact of the matter is I am too much of a cynic to get into it. After watching the chinese contortionists, I said quite loudly... BACK to the cages for them. I got a lot of dirty looks. But seriously, I have a feeling I'm not too far from the truth.

I'm making it seem like I went to to Disney to mock it all and that is NOT the case. I got a little teary standing near Cinderella's castle while fireworks went off in the night sky. How many times have we seen that as children on TV and THERE I WAS. Yeah, my sister was the first to graduate from college this year, but I was the first to see that you know? Not that it compares, but I've never had high expectations for myself. It's the best place to spend time with your family. We plan on going again sometime in the next two years. Tony loved it way more than I expected him to.

The other big thing was that I left my family here in Virginia Beach and flew out to see my sister graduate WITH HONORS. It was awesome and I'm crazy proud of her. She's the type of persson who, even though she's graduating at 28 and lots of people in her shoes would be all "c's get degrees" she got honors you know? That's just how she is and that's awesome and she looked totally gorgeous to boot. We had a great time, Dad treated us all to Kobe steak house where they cook the food right there and make you catch food in your mouth and stuff like that. Dad.... well... he doesn't "do" outings, as Bobo put it, it was nice to see him out of the basement, in slacks and black socks no less.

Mostly us girls hung out and laughed a lot, and played with the dogs and drank a ton of coffee. I miss them like crazy.

Hopefully now that life is getting back under control, I'll update this thing more.

I am an idiot

Yes, I am.

I just looked at my Ipod and realized that my husband comes home a day earlier than I thought. Nothing has changed, I was just looking at XXX day and seeing YYY day for like 5 months. Seriously. I have told people up until last night that it was YYY day. (Sorry for the secrecy. I can't actually SAY when on a public site) Even when I went to therapy we sat down and talked about how everyone kept saying we only had X days but I was counting it as XX days.

It's kind of cool because for me, it's like they come home a day earlier.

I haven't written in awhile because Facebook is a time sucking, soul wrenching affair. I can't believe how much time you can spend on FB. FB though is starting to get irritating. I liked FB as a way to keep in contact with my friends from both message boards. I liked reading about Pam's day and then reading about Teri's right after without having to click to the sites. Because you know, now clicking is just TOO much work. Forget writing. I get tired from writing a check. My hand writing, which used to be bad, is now horrendous. Its like a flat line with a hump or a bump occasionally.

Anyway, I don't know it's nice to get the gist of what everyone is doing. REcently though, I've seen a major influx of high school people join and it's just UGH. I'm the kind of person that will hide from school people if I see them out in public. I don't really know why. High school wasn't that great for me. It wasn't that I was teased or harrassed when I think about it. I just felt alone and didn't have many friends.

Don't get me wrong, some of the people I have made friendships with. Like Jeremy, who I only kind of talked to in HS and found out I was kinda mean to him. I don't even remember, but when he recounted it, I blushed furiously on my side of the computer. It reminded me of the episode of 30 Rock when Liz didn't want to go to her HS reunion because the popular girls picked on her. She remembered it as them being snooty and her mumbling some snarky response under her breath. Come to find out, they were terrified of her, and she was the actual bully! The way they remembered it was that they were trying to reach out to her and she actually wasn't mumbling "Nice mole it looks like God pooped on your face" under her breath. Some of the women were in therapy thanks to Liz. Loves it! So, yeah I wasn't very friendly, so that's why I didn't have friends I guess.

Tony and I have talked a lot through IM, and I swear there is something about the internet that makes it easier to say things. Not for me. I have no problems saying anything to Tony. Good or bad. For him though. It's been so nice to hear some of the things he thinks and feels about me and our relationship. When I would ask him face to face, he was put on the spot and I would never get a satisfying answer. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? You bet it does. I figure by the end of his 3 week leave though I'll be more than ready for him to go back to work. Although, I've always enjoyed having him home. The best part is that the kids will be in school for part of the time he's on leave. We'll be alone for three days a week for four hours!! Nice!

We've had Louie for almost six months. What a six months it has been. I credit him for keeping me sane while Tony has been on deployment. He gave me focus and was my project. He's given me a million puppy kisses, and tons of puppy snuggles. He's made me mad, he's made me laugh, but most of all he's made me happy.

As most of you all know. I did a bad thing and got Louie from a pet shop. Before getting him, I was VERY against pet shops, preached the evilness of them, and had a talk with my daughter about how shelter dogs needed a home over a pet shop dog. I had always wanted a Cairn but was against paying a lot of money for a dog. I did kind of research them, and couldn't really find any breeders in my immediate area, came up with nothing My looks around the shelters weren't coming up with anything other than pit bulls or old dogs. I was going to do a rescue cairn, but most won't give a Cairn to someone with young children.

One day, at the mall, we went in. We've done it thousands of times before. I mean, you know the situation, but you can't resisit watching a puppy romp. I've fallen in love with many a puppy in the window, but never, ever, EVER asked a price until I saw Louie. He was in the very first window. No one was looking at him, and he was facing away from the window. I told my husband "OMG that's a Cairn!" and he said "What's a Cairn?" and then wandered off with the kids to look at the other puppies. I tapped the window trying to get his attention. I looked at the big JUST REDUCED AGAIN! sign plastered on the cage. I stood there forever, just to get a glimpse of his face. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to see his face. I had never seen a Cairn in real life, and I wanted to see him. For the first time EVER I asked to see the puppy in the window. My kids were SHOCKED as they have asked a million time in the past and alway got a "No. Let's go."

We got him in one of those rooms, and he turned his personality on, although he didn't stand out. Just a jumpy little puppy. We found out why he had been reduced twice so far. He was four months old, and had lost his puppy cuteness. I think thats common with terrier breeds. They have the puppy cute for such a short time, then they look like mini versions of the adults. People passed him up to look at the Yorkies and Jack Russels and Shih Tzus and Maltese. The little bundles of energy and fluff that makes even the hardest of hearts melt. They had me. I was holding the "reject" puppy. The one no one wanted. Going against everything I knew was right, we left that night to think it over, but we knew we'd be back.

We got there the next day before the store opened. Swallowing my pride, I bought my pet store dog. I even made up elaborate lies to my family as not to seem like a hypocrit. For weeks I thought of reselling him to appease my guilt. On top of that.. he was a boring dog.Yeah I said it. He was boring. He never wagged his tail, he was scared of loud noises, he was lacking all that puppy happiness he exhibited in the cubicle, which I now realize was from just the overwhelming happiness to be OUT OF HIS CAGE!! He didn't know how to play, he didn't want to be held, or petted. A few weeks go by, and he starts to adjust, but he's still pretty surly. I was amazed that he never wagged his tail. I read about dogs and their "happy smile" in a dog training book, and realized in the time we've had him, I've never once seen that face. I would see pics of grinning Cairns and I was sad. I had begun to regret my decision, thinking Karma was punishing me. Oh yeah, I got a Cairn, but a surly, snarly, boring one. One who refused to let you touch him or who looked at you blankly when you threw a ball.

Over time, he learned to walk on a leash, he learned who he could hit up for food, he became more family oriented. I remember the first time he wagged his tail at a time other than upon our return home. We were out playing in the yard. He was wagging his tail and PLAYING. He learned fetch, he learned NO bite, and NO bark. He kinda got better at pottying outside. Then came our first trip to the dog park. I saw his first smile. Although happy, I was heartbroken that he would never do that at home. That was almost 2 months after getting him.

I loved him anyway. He is my heart. He slowly became my velcro dog. He started sleeping wtih me, comforting me while husband was away. He is surprisingly obedient, amazingly laid back for a Cairn and he had never chewed on anything of signifigance. He loves to do his tricks, he's pretty tolerable of the kids, he loves the cat, and after awhile with us, one day his tail started wagging, and hardly ever stops. Recently, he's started running to me with a huge smile on his face, panting just happy to be a part of the family. Six months it took for him to adjust. But, I know that at least once a day, I'll see that smile.

It just goes to show how horrible the puppy mill business is (although I have contributed to it). I had a dog that didn't know how to be a dog! Even at 4 months old. He got skittish around metal noises which I assume comes from being in a cage most his life. If we even so much as touch the fireplace screen, he would bark and freak. He does that still, but it has since turn to a game. It's the best way to guarantee and panting happy pup.I don't know. I just felt the need to get it out. He had come over to me to play "fiesty" which is just rough housing and hand biting. It's amazing because he knows when he does it too hard, and if he forgets I just say "easy" or put my face down for a lick and he goes back to being gentle. I was just struck with the difference between the 4 month old who was stand offish to the dog who jumps up on the couch, plants his fat paws on my chest and gives me kisses to I beg him to stop.

Therapy.. good for the soul

So, for many years I've resisted talk therapy. I don't know why. When I was diagnosed with depression, Dr. M said that my Cymbalta wouldn't work alone, that I needed talk therapy as well. I came from a family that doesn't TALK about their problems. Also, surprisingly, the Cymbalta DID work on it's own. Very well thank you very much.

Recently, I started therapy to see if I too have ADD. Aislinn as I've mentioned has it, and is doing very well with it. She's coming home and doing her homework quickly and without a fight. It's amazing. After reading Driven to Distraction I realized I had a lot of the qualities in that back. Lack of focus, started but unfinished projects, I do things like start the laundry and walk off without closing the lid, coming back to it at bedtime to put them in the dryer only to realize what I've done, and because I need something out of there for tomorrow, I have to stay up late to put them in the dryer.

Inevitably what ends up happening when I get there is I end up talking about my parents. My parents... well all parents are good and bad. Our family life was frought with issues of all kinds. I don't FAULT my parents (at one time I did) for it, but I can't deny that things happened that affected the person I am. Just like things happened to THEM that affected the person they are, and things happened to THEIR parents that affected their parents personality and so on and so forth. Looking at my family, all sides of it, it's just layer upon layer of issues. Alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse, yelling, screaming, blaming, fighting, alienation, pain, estrangement.. blah blah blah blah. The list goes on and on.

While talking today I told the therapist that it's amazing how ONE decision can change a person's course of history so dramatically. My grandmother's decision to marry her second husband, who in turn sexually abused my aunt, and physically abused my father, changed my dad and aunt forever. A one second answer alters courses forever.

My therapist is surprised that I seem over the things that happened to me. I told him that before taking my anti depressant I wallowed in it, but now I'm clear headed enough to know that what happened, happened and you just move forward. It's kind of weird to talk to someone about it. We don't discuss the past in our family, and over time, I was often told I dwell to much on it. So, I kinda got over it (family motto! Just get over it already) and have accepted the situation for what it is. I can't change the past. It wasn't all bad. It wasn't mostly bad. When I visit with my family, we laugh so hard our faces hurt. (does your face hurt? It's killing me) We all have a ton of things in common and what matters is NOW. NOW we get along, now I'm adult and know I control my actions and destiny at this point. Now I have children and before therapy was all too familiar with how one decision affects many. I have taken my bad situations, learned from them and am doing my best to break the cycle, but in a way that doesn't go completely keeling off to the other side, which in the end can be just as bad, over indulgence is a form of abuse in my book.

I like therapy. I have found with going to therapy I am not as screwed up as I think I am, and to give myself a pat on the back, I have found that I'm pretty good at observing myself and situations in a true light, without being over positive or negative. I am very self aware, and aware of my little family. And lets be honest.. this guys job is to listen to me talk about myself for an hour. There's nothing wrong wtih that right?

One of those days

It's just one of those days where everything is either going wrong, is somewhat off, or just irritating the SHIT out of me.

First of all.. it's been raining like crazy for the last few weeks. Really. Right now, between the mud, dog poop, puddles and long grass hiding it all, my yard is like a freaking mine field. It didn't help the drying out process that this morning Jonny thought playing in the hose would be a good thing. It was sixty degrees out and he was out there getting wet. After I told him to STOP, he did it again.

Because he didn't listen, he's grounded. So he's spent his day seeing just how grounded he is. Is it ok to sit at the table outside? No? Ok.. let me try this chair right by the door, is that ok? Still no? Ok, well what about if I just STAND right in front of the door on the patio. Ok, ok don't yell. What about out front? Geez, lady calm down. What about if I come out when YOU come out? Mom.. why is your face all red? Ok, ok I'm going back in!

I must be a weird mom because I actually hate it when Aislinn goes out to play with her friends. Because it's always a day of putting me in the spot and running in and out in and out in and out in and out. While kids stand RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY DOOR staring. Then Jonathan goes out there, and stands in front of the door talking to the kids, and the dogs going nuts, the trying to get out. The kids are pressing their faces to the door trying to see the cartoon/dog/my messy house. Mom, Cameron wants to know if we can play in the back yard? No, its full of mud and dog poo. Cameron wants to know why? Why can't we play. I just told you why. Then Cameron whines BUT, WE'LL BE CAREFUL. I don't care... go play in your own backyard. Can we hook the hose up to the front yard spigot and play in it. What?!? No of course not! It's not even seventy degrees outside and hello, it's muddy enough! Cameron whines BUT, IT'S SO HOT. Cameron, why don't you go ask YOUR mom if you can play in the hose. Oh.. I did. She said no. and So did his mom. And you're surrpised I said no? Mom can we please take the dog out. Sure. As she latches the leash she decides to RUN with the dog IN the house, knocking over my coffee in the process. My very full cup of coffee. Everytime she comes in and out, that sends Jonathan into a screaming fit because he misses his Aisy.

Tony was supposed to call and or IM. Ok. WAited around ALL DAY. Finally got an email that said... sorry not happening.

The house is a mess after just being clean. Two pairs of my shoes are outside caked in mud. The recycling was all over the yard after a brisk wind. My floor have dog/cat/shoe/feet prints all over it. Went into the laundry room, and was wondering...why are there so many clothes on the floor? That's because my darling son took the clean clothes out of the dryer and dumped them on the floor. I went to start the dryer and it wasn't working becuase Jonny was INSIDE it last night. I finally get it working and now have to redry the clothes that were in the basket because the kids had taken them out of the laundry basket and put them on the couch, and now they're wrinkled and full of cat hair.

And in all of this all I want is a newspaper. But in order to get a newspaper, I have to wait unil Aislinn is done playing, and get Jonny dressed, and go out and hope the van starts because it has a hard time with all this rain.

Sigh.

Has it really been that long?

It's almost been a MONTH since I've written anything.

Not much has been happening here. Just living each day, counting down until Tony comes home. We aren't able to talk as much because he's been preparing for an inspection. He did email today to tell me he did NOT make boards to make chief. I can imagine he is very upset. He missed it by 1.7 points. That must really suck to miss it by so little. He's such a hard worker, and it breaks my heart that he didn't make it.

Aislinn started taking her ADHD medicine today. I'm curious to see how she'll feel today. I hear it can make you feel nauseous. I was worried that it would be a big fight since she was so against taking the medicine, but she took it quite easily. She just... took it. Swallowed it and said "There" and continued to eat her Frosted Flakes. The Dr. was very nice, and made Aislinn feel better about taking it. We then had a conversation about it after getting the RX.

One thing I am worried about is something the Dr. said. While getting our family history, she was concerned that my sister in law, Denise is bi-polar. She said since it's such a close family memeber and Aisy has ADHD, I guess her chance of becoming bi-polar is greater. That as a child, it won't manifest itself but it can later. She said that ADHD and bi-polar can often go hand in hand, and that fixing one problem while not the other can cause more problems. Poor kid. Tony and I have always joked between the two family histories of addiction, mental disorders and stuff of the like that are kids are screwed, especially Aisy since all the women in his family are just plain nuts. It looks like the joke could be on us. At least we KNOW and we can keep an eye on it. During the appointment, Aislinn exhibited every aspect of ADD. Getting up, walking around, talking out of turn. I'm sure a lot of it was nerves, but that just goes to show how ADD affects some people. Where as one person can make themselves sit still, Aislinn can't help herself, she has to get up and walk adn touch everyhing in the room, even after being told to stop.

Today has been a busy day. After over a week of rain, we finally got some sun. I went outside and cleaned out the van. Finally got EVERYHING OUT I had left from Christmas. Blankets and pillows we had just left in there.. stuff like that. I cleaned the windows then Jonny and I took Louie for a walk. In a bit we have to get Aislinn from school. She started Thursday Extra Curriculars.

On a personal note, I myself have started therapy. It's really been helpful to have someone to vent to about how hard it is being a mom sometimes. Especially a mom who has a child like Aislinn who has a husband that is deployed. I don't know why it took me so long to do it.

I have a cold, although today, it's much better. Yesterday was a lot of moaning, shuffling, aching and sweating. It was one day of that. I did take some Airborne yesterday, I don't know if that helped it? My mother swears by that stuff. Airborne and DayQuil. Great stuff.

I got to watch some movies yesterday since I was on the couch most the day with the aching and the sweating. First, I watched Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins. It's not an Oscar winner or anything, but it was pretty funny. Although, the two dogs getting it on I could have done without. Then I watched Taking Chance an HBO original movie with Kevin Bacon, who the older he gets the finer he gets. Jesus, he played a Marine in the movie and was in uniform for probably 90% of the movie. HOT. Although, the movie was heartbreakingly sad. Even though I'm a baby eating liberal, I am always touched by military movies. Maybe because my husband is a military man? Maybe because I went to military school? Living in the day to day military life as a spouse it's rarely like what you see in the movies. The movie was about an officer who volunteered to escort a body back home, even though he didn't know the boy, but the boy was from his hometown. It showed that through the week long travels, Americans as a whole, all different walks of life were touched by the death of this fallen Marine. I cried like a baby. It's a true story. All along the trip, everyone revered this box that held the boy inside it. Treating it with the utmost respect and crying for him. Strangers who never knew him, but appreciated him and his sacrifice. It was just a really good movie

After that I came to my liberal senses.. I microwaved the left over kitten casserole and emailed Satan.

Wow, I haven't written here in awhile. There really isn't a reason, other than I really don't want to bore everyone with how much I love my dog.



Ok but now that I'm here...... Ok, I won't go there. Suffice it to say I love him, and I love the kids, and even the cat is coming around and hanging out more.



Other than that, well I don't have much else going on. Staying busy of course, and you know, doing stuff. Last week and the week before I got to spend a lot of time chatting with Tony on yahoo. That has been really helpful with keeping the bitter feelings at bay. When you go a week or two without contact, you start getting a little pissy and even though I'm an old pro at this, I can't help but to take it personally when he doesn't contact me, even though I know it's not because he doesn't want to.

The other day he said the guys in his villa were mad at him because he didn't want to go out. He wanted to stay in and chat with me. I'm sure he got all types of pussy whipped jokes. I told him he didn't have to, that I honestly don't expect him to chat with me EVERY day. Hey, on the old ship, I could go literally a month without an email, so I take every chance we get to chat online as a gift, and never expect it when I shouldn't. He said he knows that, but if he has the time he WANTS to chat with me. He also wants me to put my camera on so he can look at me and the kids as we interact while we chat. Usually, it's me jumping up to let the dog out or get a kid a drink, or making my fiftieth cup of coffee. I think maybe it makes him feel like he's here.

Aislinn had a program at school and she was so cute! They dressed like Egyptians and did a thing called "Temples and Tombs" and they had to do some hand motions and singing. Then each kid had a part in the play, and she had one line and she did so well. I mean, I know hello it's one line, but her voice was clear and she didn't rush through it like some of the other kids. I was pretty proud of her. She said she was so nervous before hand. It's a wonderful feeling to see your child up on a school stage and have them look for you and wave. You think WOW that's MY kid up there.

I guess I had more to say than I thought I did.

It is freaking NUTS how much planning goes into a Disney vacation!! I've been staring at this piece of paper all day now that has "May 4th.. Animal Kingdom" written on it. Because, I plan on us doing Animal Kingdom on May 4th. The main problem here is that you must make table reservations beforehand. How in the HELL do I know what I want to eat for dinner two and a half months from now??

Thankfully, I know a ton of Disney Fan(atics) and that are helping me wade through it all. It's really quite daunting. I don't think we'll do this again for many, many years so I decided to go for it, and went ahead and made reservations at a deluxe resort. We're staying at the Animal Kingdom Resort that has wild animals all over. Aislinn is going to be THRILLED. We're telling the kids we;re going to St. Louis so Tony can visit family. It will take us about 12 hours to drive there. What surprises me is that this Disney thing is Tony's idea. I mean, sure ok we discussed trying to get there sometime, and had kicked around next September, but he did some research and found these amazing deals and said "let's go! Let's do it" I told him today I had a hard time imagining him in Disney.

Tony and I have spent a lot of time chatting via Yahoo instant messenger. Sigh. These little chats have made me fall in love all over again. I look forward to the chats and never want them to end. We talk about everything, from what the kids are doing, to things we'd like to change about our relationship. Of course we also talk a LOT about sex. We remember things we've done in the past, we talk about what we're going to do when he gets home, things we'd like to try, and even things we don't really care for. I've learned some surprising things though. One thing is he DOES get mad when I won't have sex with him. He says sometimes he has to really try to not let me know, and he will lay in bed long after I've been asleepp stewing over it. This surprises me. He always seems so accepting of my rejection. He said he doesn't want me to ever feel bad or do anything I don't want to, so he just shuts up about it. Another thing that surprised me is that he finds my glasses of all things extremely sexy. I mentioned getting contacts and he said No, he likes my glasses. He said he never had a thing for glasses, but once I got them he just finds them so sexy. When he said that I blushed.

A little a this, a little a that

We're half way through the deployment, and this is when it starts getting hard. The newness of it all has worn off. I'm tired of the kids in my face 24-7. People have stopped calling to make sure I'm ok. The other day, Tony wanted to chat online, and he got himself a webcam. I hate webcams, because all you do is look at the person typing. I told him about oovoo and how we could talk through the cameras, but he didn't download it. Anyway, as he is sitting there in the quiet villa, with guys going in and out and cracking jokes with him like some type of dorm, drinking his beer and talking about his upcoming weekend off, I honestly wanted to claw his eyes out. I was struck with such a white hot flash of bitterness, it surprised me how strong that feeling was. It probably stemmed from the fact that here it was 3 pm and Aislinn had just come home from school, and everything was crazy here. So, while I'm fielding questions, breaking up fights, fetching drinks, telling kids to do this and that that last thing I want to see is him sitting at 10 pm his time, chillin' with a beer.

I find the bitterness creeping up at different times lately. Like the stress of care packages. You should always send your overseas loved one care packages, yet the same is never expected of the overseas person. I don't get that. Especially this time around. He's not on a ship, they've only been to sea once, he's living in a house in town. He can't send a package? He couldn't send the kids birthay cards? I mean honestly. Here I am busting my ass to make sure he has a package, a package of stuff he can buy at the store, just to show how much we love him, yet no one thinks "Hey has he sent YOu anything?"

That is another thing. Everyone always thinks I should be SO accomodating to him. He's the one that is gone. This probably irks me the most. Look, as much as we want to romanticize this whole deployment thing, he's not getting shot at in Iraq. There I said it. People hear "deployment" and think he's off defending the American way. No. He's not. He's working on a broken ship and coming home to the Villa every night to watch movies. Don't feel bad for him. Truly. He's getting paid for this. Trust me, I get that it's hard for him to be away, but you know.. gotta figure if you JOIN THE NAVY this shit was going to happen. Just sayin'. I guess you could say well you gotta figure if you marry a man in the Navy this is going to happen. He wasn't in the Navy when we were first together. He joined.. behind my back. So you know there's that whole aspect of it too.

Meh so you know.. it doesn't get easier the longer it lasts, it actually gets harder. Not only are you kinda done at the half way point, you're also on end of it, and you are also excited as the end is in sight. That takes a lot of energy, reigning in your excitement.

On a more positive note, Aislinn will be nine on Sunday. I just can't believe it. I had a parent teacher conference yesterday with her teacher, and it was a good one. We've been in contact through out the year over Aislinn's homework woes. Basically the teacher told me that I should not allow myself to get sucked in by helping her. She said that she should no longer need me to sit right there, and help her. Thank God. It has really gotten on my nerves. She also told me not to check her homework to make sure it's right. I admitted to her that I had kinda stopped that for awhile because it just made my night SO much easier. Aislinn would freak out when she would see me marking things wrong on her homework, and start crying. So, in turn she was to afraid to write answers down, she wanted me to verify the correct answer BEFORE she wrote it down. As you can imagine this was frustrating. This was our conversations for homework:

"Mom? I think this answer is five. Am I right?"
"I don't know. Are you?"
"Can you check to see if the answer is five?"
"No Aislinn, just do your homework, I'll check it after and if it's wrong we'll go over it together"
"But! Why can't you just tell me if it's five?"
"Sigh"
"MOM! PLEASE!"
"No, Aislinn. It's not my homework ok?"
"But, I don't want to write the wrong answer down!"
"Don't worry about writing down the wrong answer"
"But, jajdkakdkjakjdaddk" (this is her blubbering and crying)
"Geez, Aislinn crying isn't going to give you the answer is it?"
"I just wiajdkasdfajsdfafjjf"
I walk over and look
"No, the answer is not five, there happy? Now that is it! Ok?"
"Sniff. Thanks mommy"
"No problem"
"Is the answer four?"
"AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH"

Do you see how much time gets wasted? Why homework lasts two and half hours? She won't go do her homework upstairs, so its 2.5 hours of being absolutely silent so as not to distract her. The teacher said read the direction with her. If she still pushes on the whole "I don't get it thing" (something the teacher says she DOES NOT do at school) then do the first one with her, and stress that was all I was going to do. Then ask her how long she thought it would take her to do that particular thing. Set a timer for 5 minutes more than she thinks she'll get it done. If the timer goes off and she's not done, set it aside, even if unfinished and say Mrs. Morgan (the teacher) will help her tomorrow, but more than likely she'll have to skip recess to do it. Then move on to the next. The hope is that if we work together, if she realizes that what happens at school affects home, and vice versa, she'll stop farting around and focus. I plan on getting a pencil box while out today, and sharpening a ton of pencils and filling it with erasers as this is another stalling tactic of hers. Break teh pencil lead know it is going to be a hassle to get a new one sharpened. Bite the eraser off so we have to find another pencil with a decent eraser. What's hysterical is that she expends so much energy NOT doing her homework, energy that could be used to JUST DO IT GOD DAMN IT!

She is so smart though. I just want to focus this energy into more positive things you know?

Speaking of smart... here are a list of Louies commands he can do consistently:

come
leave it
drop it
sit
lay down
Shake

wait.. I make him wait at his bowl when it's time to eat, I put his bowl of food down and he must wait until I say ok, then he goes to the bowl and eats.

get the ball... this one is when he has dropped the ball too far away. I feel as the master I shouldn't have to go and get his ball to throw it. He should bring it to me. So I say "Get the ball" and he knows to bring it closer. Whatever it takes to get me to throw it, he'll do.

What we're working on

Beg ...he really just wants to jump up and snatch the food out of my fingers. I can't figure out how to get him to stay on his butt.

Roll over...he got this one right away this morning, but he rolls on his back not all the way around.

Other one... shake with opposite paw.

There really is no other reason to teach him these things other than 1. I think it's kinda fun and 2. I think it keeps him on his toes mentally. He's such a curious little guy. I watch him around the yard, and I've honestly never seen such a curious dog. You can just see his mind working. It's so me to get an ADD kinda dog. When we do the tricks, he likes it. I'm sure its the food in my hand he really likes, but I also think he likes his little mental work out. I love to watch him try to get around the tricks to get the treat. When he sees the clicker in my hand, he immediately sits, and then will go through the gamut of tricks without me asking. Like he knows usually shake is the last trick to get the treat, so he will immediatly shake right off the bat. The clicker is what sealed it for us. Louie hears praise from us all the time. So, having that CLICK lets him know.. Yeah good boy you did it! Then he knows the treat is coming. What's funny is I've started to chain the tricks together. Sit and then lay down and then shaket before he'll get the treat. After lay down though, sometimes he'll look at the clicker willing me to click it. Then huff a bit when I don't and then goes ahead and shakes.

The cat.. she's a cat. She eats poops and sleeps. She doesn't do anything cool.

Jonny is doing well. Loves school, becoming a little man. Still my snuggy butt.

If there is one thing I can't stand... it's yard clutter. My sister is laughing since she's seen my yard in the past. I'm not talking toys, I'm talking junk. Stuff people refuse to throw away. Growing up, I don't ever remember having a lot of yard clutter. "Dirty" houses had yard clutter. Boxes and bags of stuff that never quite made it out to the curb.

Imagine my embarrassment that we have yard clutter. It's driving me nuts. I just went out there and threw a bunch of stuff away, but I'm just PISSED in general. Tony is a pack rat. A slobby pack rat. I can't even begin to tell you how many beer bottles, soda cans, and packs of empty smokes I found out there "thrown away". I use quotes because they were thrown away in something that was not a trash can. It's the same way in the shed.

This is the one thing that shows how differently Tony and I grew up. Although, by my family's standard I'm a mess, on Tony's family standard, I'm down right Martha fucking Stewart. I get having a few and leaving them to collect on the table outside. I can eve see leaving them there over night. What I don't see is how can a fucker be so lazy as to throw them away in a tub that is literally a few feet away from our dumpster. The only thing you have to do is open the gate to throw them out. Then, since fifty bottles and cans are in there, lets just pile other trash on there so that the kids now mistake it for trash, and when I ask them to take out the trash from the bathroom they throw it away in there, and the bags of poo they've collected in the yard, that has now been rained on, and we've got a nice gross slurry of beer, piss and poo water.

Barf.

Can you tell who found this treasure and had to clean it up? It's been sixty consistenly for a week now, so you can imagine the smell. I taped a plastic bag over one hand, had tongs in the other and a towel coated with deodarant around my nose.

Happy Valentines Week! Woohoo.

Fairly busy weekend

This weekend was a pretty busy one. Saturday Aislinn had Girl Scouts field trip. We went to Home Depot to do their monthly kid's project. Has anyone heard of this before? I wish I had known about it before!! Once a month, they offer a free project. The kids do it, and then they get a pin for the free apron, and a certificate saying they completed that project. Then, as if that wasn't good enough, they give them free lunch!! They get a hot dog (a BEEF hot dog, not one made out of anuses and beaks, well unless they use cow anuses) chips adn a juice box from the little lunch cart outside. It's smart because, you get the kids in, and the parents start looking around and buy stuff. Of course, this is when the vendors, and the employees are out in full force with demos and stuff. Even the lunch guy benefits because, if the kids are going to have free lunch, mom and dad will probably get a philly cheese steak, or an italian sausage too. Gotta love smart marketing. Being.. you know, poor I am immune to the pressures the sales people put on me. But, I will look around next month to maybe get some ideas for the house.

After that, we took the girls caching. We had a lot of fun. We found all the caches in that particular park. Aislinn's GS leader has recently gotten into caching, and has really, really taken to the hobby. She started before Xmas and already has 120 something finds under her belt. As of Saturday, we had um.. 15. We've been doing this almost a year. After the official Girl Scout outing, we went to some other spots taht had been giving me trouble that she had already found and played hot and cold until I found them. Caching is funny, because you become kinda paranoid in a caching kinda way. When you can't find the cache you get home and you think.. "Was it the acorn? I don't know, the acorn was just laying on the playground in the mulch, it can't be the acorn just lying loose like that, usually it's attatched to something. But, what if it fell off. Remember the pine cone* so is it so far fetched that it was that acorn. FUCK I bet it was that fucking acorn." An acorn would be welcome. There are some people who get ever more devious.

*a pine cone cache plagued me for MONTHS. Someone hid the cache in a pinecone that had fallen behind the fence, and I just knew it wsa the fucking pinecone. I was right.

Aislinn is a natural cacher, because she always thinks outside of the box. Take for instance there was one that I looked for and couldn't find, andwe went again with Tani so she could hold my hand. She kept insisting I was looking RIGHT AT IT, and all I was seeing was a huge power box. Nothing sticking out, poking off funny, skewed. It was just a huge power box. Aislinn walks right over to the "serial stickers" and says "Here it is" and pulls the stickers off. They stickers were actually a magnet and upon further inspection, the serieal letters was the name of the people (sans vowels) who had hidden the cache. On the back was magnet with a log to sign. WTF?!? When I asked her how she knew, she just shrugged and said "They looked too thick to be stickers" Seriously, my mind was blown.

We went again yesterday and found all the caches in the park near us. It is a lot of fun to cache with other people. So total for the weekend, I added nine finds to my total, so I'm up to 24. W00t!

I made reservations for Aislinn's bday party at a paint your own pottery place, and ONE person has RSVP'ed thus far. I'm starting to worry. It's two weeks from now, but still. I want her to be able to have friends there.

This cracks my shit up

I regularly go to http://www.perezhilton.com/ and recently read on there this quote...

"Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people. … The real difference is that [Harry Potter author] Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and [Twilight author] Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good."
- Stephen King tells USA Today

What is even FUNNIER are the comments following this tidbit...

That is absolute Bullshit … he is clearly jealous of her new found fame

He is an old hag who wants some of the attention!!!

Well F*** YOU Stephen King!

Bitter much, Stephen?

The man has gone senile.

This is a man who has written a a book about writing and who has had another author write a book about his series of books . Never mind the fact that he reads every book within this genre of horror/fantasy. If it has vampires, dragons, mind readers, boogie men, yadda, yadda, yadda he's read it, or it's on his night stand to read. He is one of the leading critical voices. If Stephen King is quoted as saying he likes it, I know I will too. He's like the geeky version of Oprah and her book club. Also, have I mentioned the man is going BLIND and manages to read a book a day?

Even if you don't like his books, you still have to give the man credit for being a leading force in the literary world in our time. Sheesh.

I am a big girl...

Yet here are the tired clothing choices for us big girls

Animal print
fake velvet
rhinestones
wild prints (Don't get me wrong I like prints, but sometimes I'm SICK of prints)
sheer sleeves
kimono tops
huge eyelets (is that the correct term? Where there are hole designs around the neck?)
Biased cut tops and or dresses
big, flowy dress pants (everytime I go to a wedding or something similar all the big woman wear these and I've had a pair about six years ago)
Pant suits as really my only option for "dressing up"
Shirts with attatched "jewelry"

Maybe because I'm you know... poor, these are the only options available to me. Looking through a small catalog Lane Bryant sent me everything was beribboned, festooned, flowy, and bedazzled. You can't get a damn tshirt at LB without rhinestones.

Sigh. I'm in a bad mood. Time for bed.

Blah blah blah

I just spent all evening decluttering the living room. It started with trying to figure out a way to keep Louie's ball from rolling under the couch. The only solution I could come up was to shove sheets under the couches. It looks tacky but it's worked. Although, now he has the fucking ball under the ottoman. I've moved it just a few minutes to get it and he rolled it under there again. He's just convinced me he's doing this shit on purpose. If it rolls under there again a third time (he managed to get it out the second time) I'm putting the balls up. I don't know why he has to play with them RIGHT by the couch and the ottomans.

Anyway, that led to decluttering. I pulled the couches out and depsite having just cleaned out from under them, they had SO much shit under there. I just don't get how all that stuff gets under there. Anyway, so I swept that out, and there was just SHIT everywhere. Then I got to looking around and every fucking surface in my living room had shit everywhere. Just stuff on every possible space. I swear why do we need 4 sets of ear buds? Why can't anyone put Wii games back in their cases? Why do the cases and games have to be stacked vicariously on the edge? I figured now was a good time to get rid of a lot of junk Tony has been holding on to. Then I decided to glue down something on the floor edge that had come off because Tony couldn't find a good way of securing it down. I didn't fix the problem, but it's no longer hanging there either.

So, now everything is dusted- and cleaned off. There is a huge bag of stuff that I can get rid of. It feels good.

Damn it the dog got the fucking ball under the couch this time. How is that possible?

Most romantic songs according to me

With Tony gone, I can't just go out on my own and get time alone, but I have found that when I really just need to get away, I put my headphones on. It works surprisingly well. I can block out all the noise and hub bub of the kids, and just kind of sink into myself. I throw them on and do the chores I need to get done. It reminds me of when I was a kid, I would put on my little cassette player (how's that for 80's?) and listen to Madonn's True Blue,or Paula Adbul's Forever Your Girl cassette while I had to clean my room, or the basement. Sometimes, I'd let my sister listen to her Bobby Brown cassette, but only when I was feeling nice.

I've never been a picky music listener. I know some people who get an immense sense of satisfaction when listening too music. The music speaks to them, and sometimes they can be a little scornful of say Britney Spears. I don't care about all that. I like music because I like it. I'll sing along to Britney Spears, I like her music.

But, I am a woman, and I have to say if there was any music that "spoke" to me would be a good romantic song that makes me think "Oh yes, I've felt THAT before." Even though Tony and I are in our thirties with two kids, a mortgage and a dog, and are able to live away from each otehr for half a year, there were times when I thought I would die without his kiss. There were times I thought laying together skin to skin was not even close enough, and if I could I would tear open his chest to get closer. So, yeah I was a little psycho. But, when that love is new and fresh and hot (kinda sounds like a pizza commercial) with all that passion just burning your skin, you have a tendency to get a little crazy. You want to tie your lover up to a concrete pole and feed him strawberries lovingly in the dark, soundproof basement, while he weeps through his blindfold pleading wtih you "Who are you? Where am I? How did I get here? Why won't you let me go? I'm allergic to strawberries!"

Ok so maybe not EVERYONE feels that way. But, you know what I'm getting at. Love when it's new, it's ok to be a little bit obsessive over it.

Anyway, I spewed out all the crazy just to list my favorire romantic/love/sexy/crazy obsessive songs.

Brown Skin by India Arie
Everytime you come around, something magnetic pulls me and I can't get out.
Disoriented, I can't tell my up from down
All I know is that I want to lay you donw.

Ok... so Tony and I obviously do not have brown skin. Actually, we're about as white as you can get, skin wise. We're the honkiest of the honkies. We're so white, we've marvelled at our skin in the moonlight as it sometimes looks like it's glowing. Camera flashes bounce of my skin ok? We don't show up in mirrors, we hiss in the sun. Do you get what I'm saying? But, this song is HOT, and it makes me SAD that I don't have brown skin, as I want this song to apply to US. It is probably the sexiest song I've ever heard without being overly sexual.

Cupid's Chokehold By Gym Class Heroes
I mean, she even cooks me pancakes
And Alka-seltzer when my tummy aches
If that ain't love, then I don't know what love is

Because isn't that what it's all about? Someone to cook for you,and give you medicine when you're not feeling well? I love this song because it's real, because after you settle down and release him from his padded sound proof cell, it's the little things he does for you to make you feel good. Like not call the police.


Long Walk by Jill Scott
You're here, I'm pleased
I really dig your company
Your style, your smile, your peace mentality
Lord, have mercy on me
I was blind, now I can see
What a king's supposed to be
Baby I feel free, come on and go with me

This is one of my favorite songs of all time. This is one of those songs that I really hope comes round when I have the Ipod on shuffle, yet it rarely does for some reason. Anyway, this song is one of my favorites because it's simple message about love. That it's not about wine and roses. It's about taking the time to get to know one another and you're here and that's what makes me happy and the only thing that matters. Taking a long walk... it's cheap and it's good for the heart in more ways than one.

Sweetest Goodbye by Maroon 5
I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive

This song makes me cry everytime I listen to it. It reminds me of when Tony has to leave for any amount of time. Even when he was on shore duty and never had to go anywhere, I would still get choked up. The pain of having to say good-bye when you love someone is immense. I'm not an overly emotional person, but I weep everytime it's time to say good-bye and it never gets easier. *wiping tears away*



Ok so that's all I can think of right now, or actually I can think of a ton more, but I realize that music is subjective. Like the song Crazy Bitch by Buck Cherry is extremely hot in a very sick way, and obviously not for everyone.

Hey!
You're crazy bitch
But you fuck so good I'm on top of it
When I dream
I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

See, my crazy is coming out again, I better stop here.

Through the course of a day, I have many, many ideas and thoughts on what to write about here, but when I actually sit down to do something, it's all just *poof* goes away. I remember when I had my journal on Spirit Chasers, a website a friend of mine ran, I could make 5 or more entries in a day. Then I got medicine, and realized that my funny was from all the crazy. Now, I'm just boring.

Maybe I can just make a list of the random things I always want to talk about.....

Twilight Vs. Southern Vampire Series..... Since reading the SVS with Sookie Stackhouse, I have become disillusioned with Twilight. It's obvious to me where Ms. Myers got her ideas. The similarities are too much, with just slight twists in plot and characters. Both books feature people who can read minds and finds a person whose mind they can not read. In Twilight it's Edward who can read minds, the vamp, in SVS it's the human... Sookie. Both are based in small, quiet, out of the way towns, who just so happen to have a ton of mystical shit happening. Even Sookie and Bella are similiar in their refusal to be taken care of and blah blah blah. Accident prone. There are even werewolves and shape shifters and an old Vampire order who wants to keep Sookie to themselves for her mind reading abilities. SVS came out first. Stephanie Myers claims her idea for Twilight came from a dream, I say it came from a dream while she was reading SVS.

A confusing trend.... So, lately I've noticed that a lot of girls are into deer hunting camo. I know that camoflage comes in and out of fashion a lot, but usually it's army type camo in girly colors. This is altogether different though. This is straight deer hunting crap. Leaves and sticks and twigs and little speckles of deer poop. I've seen girls wearing the jackets you can only really get at Bass Pro Shop, and the other day at Sam's Club, I saw a girl with a purse that had rhinestones on the strap. So, I know it's a trend because shit is starting to be bedazzled. I don't get it. I love my husband, but I'm not OBSESSED with my husband. To me this is what this is about. Girls, who want to identify with their husband and their hobbies so badly, that they will allow themselves to wear some ugly shit. Then I think, well maybe this is the new way of showing your redneck pride? No, I'm sticking with people obsessed with their husbands.

When will I learn?.... My sister pointed out ONCE AGAIN when I was back home that my blog is like my medical journal. Well, yeah it is. But, she's right I do talk about my many aches and pains quite often, and I'm going to do it again.

When will I learn that carbs are NOT my friend? Let's see since I've fallen off the wagon... my migraines have come back full force, I'm hungry all the time, my acne is back, and my stomach hurts a lot, I have a horrible gas, and I need a nap in the afternoons. You'd THINK I'd be frying up eggs up the dozen, but oh no. For some reason, I want to torture myself. What is with that? I had PASTA for breakfast. I'm an idiot.

That's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the many thoughts I have throughout the day. I bore even myself.

I haven't had much to write about since my days feel like I'm in that movie Groundhog Day. I get up, and do what I did yesterday all over again. Not much changes, not much happens.

I finally got Jonathan into school. He was really ready and I'm glad I waited until now. I think if I had put him in school in September it wouldn't have been as easy as it was now. Yesterday was supposed to be the first day, but because it was supposed to snow, everyone canceled school. For snow that was SUPPOSED to come later in the day.. maybe. Yes, you read that correctly. MIGHT come later on in the day, but none at that the moment we're cancelling schools. Of course, we didn't see a single snowflake all day yesterday. Being from St. Louis, it never occured to me that the chance of snow was enough to cancel school. We got up, got dressed, and got Aisy out the door. She comes back ten minutes later and told me a parent saw her and told her school was closed. We didn't hear the phone ringing this morning to let us know.

Anyway, all that to say TODAY was Jonny's first day. He did great. Got dressed, ate his breakfast, waited with baited breath until it was time to leave. We get there, he does what he's supposed to do, walks into the classroom, gives me a kiss and a hug and I start to walk out. Right as I open the door I hear "NOOOOOOOOOO" and I look behind me and he's bawling his eyes out, runnning toward me with arms outstretched. He trips and falls, and then crawls out the door with me. It was quite a pitiful sight. I took his hand and pulled him, nearly dragged him, to the classroom, telling him calmly that everyone goes to school at some point, and he's a big boy now, and is ready to learn. The teacher takes over and I march out. I'm not one to sit and soothe. I think it makes it harder for the teacher and for everyone all round. I knew once the kids got there and the day started he would feel better. I got a call later to say he cried for a few minutes but then was fine and told the teacher that he liked it there. What a relief it was to hear that.

I said it was easier on him to do it now, and he still got upset. But, trying to imagine his reaction if I had done it in September, it would have been much worse. I would suspect that I would have gotten a call not to say he was ok, but a call to say "um you need to come and get him, he's still hysterical."

I also made an appointment for Aislinn. The teacher says she is still struggling with trying to focus. I can not deny it much anymore, I need to get her evaluated. She has an appointment tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed for all of us that she can get some help. The teacher said she's an amazing student, willing to learn and smart, but her lack of focus is hurting her right now.

I misss Tony like crazy. It's really been bringing me down. Then I think that he'll be gone again next year at this time, and I can't help but to think... what the fuck is he doing to us and our family and our marriage? I know that sounds unfair, but I can't help but wonder how he can see this half a year seperation as something that we can deal with. On other ships, deployments are stretched out. It may be another 18 months after you get back before you have to go again, but this job it's a yearly thing since there is no ship to be repaired and prepared for deployment. Every November-December they pack up and leave. Why does MY husband want THIS job? Being in the Navy? Why does he think being gone from his family for half the year in an acceptable way to live life?

As you can see.. I've been a bit bitter about it for awhile.

I'm trying to get back on goal with going to bed by midnight, but in order for that to work, I can not let myself to go back to bed after Aislinn leaves for school. It's harder than it sounds, because the pets go up to bed after she leaves. Do you know how hard it is to resist a nice warm bed, piled high with two blankets, and two warm, furry bodies to snuggle with? It's TORTURE. It's so tempting right now.



I miss Tony. A lot. We got into a fight recently about his lack of gumption when it came to fixing things that needed to be fixed before he left, and instead he made a dog house for our INDOOR DOG. So, now I have this pretty cool dog house in my backyard that no one uses. Why would the dog want to go outside to then go inside this dog house, when he could, oh I don't know... COME INSIDE THE BIG HOUSE. Where there's food and water, and crumbs to lick off the floor, and a cat to drag around.



But, anyway. Even though he made me mad, he's still a good guy, and I miss him. He doesn't talk much but he's good for keeping my feet warm at night. Plus I miss saying "The queen needs coffee" and you know him doing it. Now when I say that I just hear crickets, and I sigh heavily and go make my own. It sounds totally bitchy that I say that right? That's ok, we get it.



The kids have been so fight-y lately. I'm at my wits end. I don't know if its their age, or the fact that they both just really suck or what. Yesterday, I heard Aislinn slap Jonathan from upstairs. Then she had the nerve to be mad at ME because I grounded. She was only trying to LIGHTLY slap him. Why didn't I get that?



Aislinn told me the other day she wanted to be a boy. I think I scared her because as we were leaving Ace Hardware (to buy a snake to fix the sink that my husband did not fix before he left) I stopped short and said... "Oh God. I am bleeding all over myself". To make matters worse, I then went into the van, grabbed some papertowels and crammed them down my pants. Talk about traumatic for a little girl right? It was on the way home she said she wished she was a boy. She also informed me that she was never going to have a baby, that she would adopt. I think all little girls think this as kids, before hormones and horniness come into the picture. I know I did.



Aislinn reminds me of myself as a kid. She is surly and quick to burst someone's bubble, but yet so naive and trusting an innocent. I totally get why my mom told me I was a "miserable child". Aislinn is the same way. If Jonny is happy about something, Aislinn will say the one thing to suck the happiness right out of his bubble. I thought I had improved on this, but apparantly not since she had to learn it from somewhere. I have made it a point to watch myself.



It's not so much about her doing it to be mean I don't think, but doing it to be realistic. Like, if Jonny says he can't wait to start kindergarten because schools have playgrounds, and that means he can play on them, Aislinn doesn't say "Yeah buddy, isn't that cool?",. even though she knows Jonny is scared of school, and this is the first positive thing he's said about school... ever. Instead she has to point out that he only gets to play on there once a day. Which crushes his hopes, but in all fairness... is true. She just needs to learn some tact.



Bed is still looking tempting. My coffee hasn't kicked my sleepies away just yet, and the animals are looking extra snorgly. I may have to give in.

Totally going to be lazy here

I'm going to post something on here I posted on one of my message boards. Sorry for those of you that read it there. But, I wanted to keep a record of it.

The question was about tackiest gifts recieved this year. A woman Chris got presents from the DUMP from her mother in law. Chris' presents were even broken. Nothing says I love you like broken dump presents.

But, that reminded me of the gifts from Nana this year:


Ok well we all agree Chris wins hands down. I thought my Nana was bad, but man Chris's MIL took the cake!!

My Nana is 78 and has a history of giving shitty gifts. The thing is... the woman knows what good taste is. She walked into my moms home with a new kick ass leather coat and a FENDI bag ok? A BIG FENDI bag. Not a wristlet. I could have put Louie in it. Actually, he was in it, trying to dig out a pork chop bone she had stashed away. Anyway.

She informed my mom that she got my sister's boyfriend Jordan a leather coat. We couldn't WAIT because we knew it was going to be horrible!! That's one of our favorite parts of Xmas. The passing out of tacky gifts by my Nana. First of all, Jordan is 21, and a hipster. You know the type, black band tee, houndstooth hoodie, pants down below the crack of his ass with a studded belt holding them there, lip ring, stretched out earlobes. The nicest guy you will ever meet, and my parents adore him (probably because he doesn't believe in premarital sex unlike their other two son in laws. )

So, she passes out gifts. My mom makes out well. Silver tray with cream and sugar set. Michelle gets one of those purses that used to house like nail polish.. sans nail polish. It's like the tiniest purse ever, and Michelle carries a suitcase. Her wallet is bigger than this thing. Bo gets a cell phone/purse wristlet in patent leather blue. I got a used copy of Dr. Phil's weight loss solution.. with SOMEONES OLD NOTES INSIDE. (In her defense she claimed she didn't know I was coming ) My dad got a camoflage shirt. My dad doesn't hunt, nor does he wear camoflage or has the pressing need to hide in the woods. The worst part is it was UGLY camo. With like leaves and sticks on it.

But, then came Jordan's coat. This used leather coat. It wasn't as bad as we thought, until she turned it around (I'm cracking up) and there was a big ole rip in the back. When we pointed it out she exclaimed "Well shit! I paid TEN DOLLARS for that thing!!"

Oh Nana. You never fail to amuse.

You know give us all $5 gc to Mickey D's if you feel the need to give us anything at all. We would rather not get anything than those things. It's feels like an insult.

As she left she puffed with pride and said "No one is ever disappointed when I shop from my house" Then she took her Fendi bag and left.