Thursday, May 29, 2008

Things that come out of my mommy bits

Things that I will do when the kids are out of the house:

1. Eat a meal uninterrupted, that is as spicy as I want it to be and drink from a glass that is filled with clear, clean, and floater free liquid.

2. Walk around without shoes on. If I'm not stepping on crumbs, I'm stepping on some evil, pointy toy.

3. Leave my vibrators and adult toys out and within reach. Nothing kills the mood like having to stop, open the closet, find the key, unlock the box and get what you need. Or if I'm alone, trying to decide if I have the time, or the energy to do all that.

4. Ban all child resistant caps

5. Smoke pot. At this point I've probably tried it after my own kids have.

Right now I am thoroughly frustrated with almost ALL types of feminine hygiene products. Seriously. The menstrual cup is too big, and won't open properly for me. The Instead cups are great, except my fingers look like something out of a vampire novel when I remove them. I don't care how open minded you are, getting your own uterus goo on your fingers will get to you eventually. Tampons I leak like crazy, and spend a lot of time scooching around trying to get them to not pinch.

The funny thing is, the one thing I did yesterday that I hadn't done in a LONG time... pads and nothing else. I know, all of you are all screaming "EW GOD NO! NOT PADS! WHAT IS A SHE A NUN?" Yet, it was comforting, and I was able to go through out my day with not so much as a drop of blood on my fingers. I had to use two, but I have the ultra long thin ones, and even though it was dread day two, I didn't leak on my underwear, or soak through them or anything. I just made one really long diaper and was happy. I thought... Wouldn't it be great if my whole UNDERWEAR was one crinkly pad? Then I thought... OMG! Even better, if my underwear was just one big puffy COTTON pad! Yeah. Then I thought... Hey don't they make reusable ones?

Yes my mind went there, and after soaking through ANOTHER tampon (did I mention that everytime I wore tampons yesterday I had to change my undies at some point?) today I googled. I'm seriously considering them.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I just want to be like everyone else

Is that too much to ask?

Yeah, I'm holding a pity a party for myself today. Why? Oh only because I woke up with a pounding headache, only after going to bed with one. I am SO sick of headaches it's not even funny. It's freaking ridiculous that my HEAD! The holder of my BRAIN! which is the thing that keeps me alive, is the freaking BANE of my existence.

Stupid head. *kicks dirt*

The thing is.... this is totally normal for me. Constant headache-dom. People might think DAMN BITCH get a cat scan or something. Seriously, this has been a constant issue for me since childhood. I have constant, almost everyday head aches. Chronic would be the fancy book learnin' word I guess. Anything can trigger it for me it seems. Hungry for too long... headache that moves over into migraine territory, even AFTER I EAT! Thirsty... headache. Tired... headache. Too much sleep... headache. Too much caffeine..headache. Not ENOUGH caffeine... headache. Heat... headache. Exercise..headache. Spring...sinus headache. Summer...heat headache. Winter... green booger snot headache. Fall.... sinus headache. Kids being too loud... headache. Not enough sex.... headache. Pretty much... I breathe, I get a headache.

The end.

Ok like right NOW... right now I am pain free. But, that can change. I can get up and WALK into the other room, where the pressure might be slightly off in there, or there may be a different scent, and I will get that little niggling of pain.

A few years ago, I went to the Dr. about these headaches. He pretty much told me I had rebound headaches. That my body had gotten used to the constant stream of drugs I was putting into my system. I bounced from Excederin migrain, to tylenol, to advil all day long, hoping one of those (or combo of those) would be the wonder drug to get rid of my pain. He prescribed me some pill to help me sleep, and it would help with waking up with a headache, and I was to stop all over the counter pain relievers. Which was a bitch. My body revolted big time! But, he was right for the most part. A lot of my painful headaches were rebound headaches. So now I don't take a lot of medicine for my headaches. Even my migraines, I have an RX for, but I don't take it EVERY time because it's a triptan, which can cause rebound migraines, which makes me want to curl in the fetal position just thinking about that. So, I switch. One migraine (cuz you know I can get like three a week!) gets the Zomig, one migraine gets a wonderful little coctail I found online. Three excederin migraines and an advil. I switch it up just to keep the body guessing.

What caused my headache last night? I exercised. I know right? I drank my water, I exercised for thirty minutes while watching Dr. Phil, and I got off the treadmill with weak legs, and a head ache. Also it didnt help that my bedroom was 80 degrees last night and I spent a lot of time in there after I exercised. Its just not fair. I want to be normal damn it! *sobs*

Oh well. Push through the pain, that's the only thing I can do. I can pretty go on with life even with the headaches. Migraine included, well most of them anyway. The sick to the stomach ones I can't. The kids are great about them. At four, Jonny knows if momma is sleeping during the day, that she has a headache and he's ALWAYS such a good boy. He actually gets in LESS trouble when I'm sleeping then he does when I'm awake. Luckily those are few and far between. When I wake up he'll ask "Is your headache all gone now?".

I wish baby. I really do.

Monday, May 26, 2008

By golly this has been a nice weekend! Right now I'm sitting outside, trying to ignore the itchiness of my feet from mosquito bites. I had to bust out the Off tonight. I hate Off. Tony sits out here all night long, and he never complains or gets annoyed when he gets bit. I get ANGRY when I get bit. I can't stand it. Then again, he usually has jeans on. It just feels so good out here. It's windy, and the umbrella is creaking in the breeze and it's a comforting sound, drownng out the Fairly Odd Parents playing in the living room.

It's been a relaxing weekend after the Strawberry Festival. We made Aislinn stay home today, and not run all over the 'hood like she normally would. I hate doing it, but Jonny looks forward to her being home, and she's now always gone. She needs to pity him, er I mean PLAY with him occasionally. They had fun, they played water balloons, and house, and Water Queen and Kitty King. While Tony cut the grass, grilled food, and did homework. Oh what was I doing? Well yesterday was spent holed up in my rooom ALL DAY playing Sims which was awesome. I hadn't played in so long. Then today, I don't know I was exhausted probably becuase Tony couldn't sleep so spent the whole night being LOVING. Stroking my hair, which would wake me up. Snuggling me, which would wake me up. Rubbing my shoulder, which would wake me up. Kissing my neck, which would wake me up. Breathing noisily in my ear, which woke me up. You know, I always want him to be more loving and stuff, which I guess is what he wanted to do, but I guess at this stage of the game, I'd rather just sleep.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

I am getting SICK of migraines. Anytime I leave the damn house and food is not readily available, I get one. We went to the Pungo Strawberry Festival, and of course there was food galore, but the lines to GET that food was crazy. Finally we get our food (31 dollars for a corn dog, hot dog, nachos, 2 cheesesteaks and three drinks) and it was not very good. On top of that Jonny was SUPER hungry, so he snarfed part of my food as well. Then it was a lot more walking around, and by the time I got home, I was exhausted, and migrainy and had to take a nap.

I woke up to Aislinn asking me if she can have ANOTHER sleep over, this time at her friend Nicoles. That girl and her sleepovers. She's never home! She is getting so much older, I just can't believe it. Where did my baby go you know? Today at the festival she was so good. She didn't ask us for a bunch of stuff, the only thing she wanted to do was play games. Oh.My.God. The games were CRAZY expensive. I remember when I was a kid, going to the various catholic and community carnivals, you paid a dollar, played your game, and if you lost... oh freaking WELL! You lost! Maybe you got some crap plastic toy, but you didn't care, you coveted your crap plastic toy. You traded and compared your crap plastic toys to your friends crap plastic toy. You envied the older girls who had boyfriends to win them big stuffies, and spent MORE money getting crap plastic toys. Now, every kid is a winner.... if you pay enough. I had a carny admonish me for only paying for Aislinn to get ONE ball in the basketball game (AT THREE DOLLARS!) and you know what? I totally fell for it when he handed her that lame snake and said "This is what you get for ONE ball sweetheart" NExt thing I know I'm digging in my pocket for more money. They know how to work it. Damn carnies. I like taking Aislinn to carnivals, because if a long is long... she skips it. We stood in line to get her face painted and then she decided.. nope too long of a wait. We were also going to do pony rides... long line, nope forget it. My kinda girl.

It was crowded, and actually kind of lame. The kids didn't want to ride any rides, and carny rides are not my cup of tea anyway, I always have visions of them breaking. We checked out some booths and stuff but we didn't see anything we HAD to have. We had the most fun going to the 4H area and looking at all the animals. One girl had her sheep walking around for kids to pet. I thought it was so cool. I asked her if she raised him herself, and she said yes, she got him when he was a month old. I told her she did a good job! We saw all the hogs, and cows. It was fun to see the levels the 4h kids have. Little kids like younger than Aislinn get ducks and chickens to incubate and raise. Those kids were SUPER proud of their animals! Next level was bunnies, then sheep, then hogs, then the teens got cows, bulls to be exact. It was cute to see the teen boys on top of their fat bulls, full of pride at raising something themselves. I would love to be able to get Aislinn into something like that, I think she would just LOVE it.

We also went to the military section and Jonny looked at all the trucks and tanks. He is just so shy and cautious. It's amazing to me. He is such a HAM BONE when we're at home, and even when he's walking around in a crowd, but he doesn't want to DO anything. Hey Jonny you want to get up in the tank so I can take your picture? Real quiet whisper "No". Jonny want to get your face painted like a soldier? (the soldiers were doing camo on the kids faces it was so cute!) Shake of the head. The only thing I could get him to do was stand by a truck tire so I could get his picture, and only becuase Aisy did it first. Then one of the soldiers asked him if wanted to get on the flat bed, and he couldn't even look at her, he was so shy. He's kind of like Tony, he just wants to be left to do his own thing. Don't bug him.

I am proud of Tony. He actually GOT UP EARLY so we could go. I had a freaking OB appointment, and when I got home all three were awake. They got dressed and we went and it was a gorgeous day, I'm glad we went.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

It's real, I'm real

I watched a very good documentary last night on PBS called Depression: Out of the Shadows. It showed the stories of different people, with different experiences and levels of depression. Kids with depression, late onset of depression in seniors, post partum depression, and low grade depression. Low grade depression, although not "officially" diagnosed, is what I think I had. Just a very low grade that allowed me to function for years, but also made me listless and unbearable to be around. Then with each child, it got worse turning into post partum depression. Low grade doesn't have highs and lows, it's just a constant, almost never ending thing. You don't secret away into your room to suck your thumb in the fetal position, you just exist, but like a gray scale version of yourself. Pissed off at everyone and everything, insecure, paranoid and anxious.

At the end of the broadcast, they had a panel discussion hosted by Jane Pauley, who at fifty was diagnosed as bi-polar. They had three specialists on there to discuss depression and points from the movie. Many times during this panel, I got teary eyed because here where medical doctors saying THIS IS A DISEASE. This is just like cancer or diabetes or heart disease. You would never tell a cancer patient to just "get over" their cancer. So, expecting someone with depression to just get over it, and move on is unrealistic. They can't. People who don't have depression, they have a bad day, or maybe even a bad time, a few weeks or months where everything is steeped in sad, but they on their own get over the hump. Maybe they did something to get them through, a new hobby, or exercising. It was easy for THEM, it should be easy for you too! It doesn't work that way. When a person has a mood disorder, a part of their brain doesn't work the way yours does.

This whole thing couldn't have come at a better time. Yesterday, Aislinn had a doctors appointment for a physical. I talked to the Dr. about her clothing issues, and she gave me a list of psychiatrists, both for children and adults. While we waited for Aislinn to get her shots, I toyed with whether or not I wanted to send her. On one hand, I've been waiting close to 6 years for her to get over all this, on the other hand, I don't want her to be labeled or given pills she doesn't need. We got called in for the shots, and it was a nightmare. Aislinn had to be physically restrained by me and a nurse, while the third quickly gave her her innoculations. She physically assaulted the nurse, kicking her repeatedly in the crotch, and slapped me once on the hands, trying to get me from holding her down. She screamed and cried, and when we finally got her down, she just continued with a high pitched keening that everyone in the office heard. I was horrified, I was pissed, I grounded her, and sent her to school after a lengthy and loud discussion. It stuck with me all day. Tony didn't think I grounded her long enough (just last night) but there was one thing I couldn't ignore... the sheer terror in her eyes while she was being held down. The fact was that they didn't have the TIME to wait for her to get ready on her own, which knowing Aislinn could have taken until closing time, when she wouldn't comply, refusing to lay down, actions had to be taken. Aislinn doesn't take well to being man handled, but it was something that had to be done.

After watching the documentary, somethng that had occurred to me when I was first diagnosed occurred to me again. Aislinn has some residual issues from MY depression. I know it. My depression has affected her deeply, more than I realize I'm sure. I wasn't a good mother. I see that now. Even though it's not my fault, I still feel guilty. How many times did I bully her to do things my way, even using my size to my advantage? How many times have I told her how stubborn she's being, how taxing, irritating, bad? How many times have I spanked her for being nothing more than herself? How many times had I yelled in her face, or on a GOOD day, just not interact with her at all?

So, I will be making the call, and you know what? I'll be making a call for myself as well. Talk therapy is something I have resisted, happy with just taking my medicine. But, I think I'm ready to take that step. If anything, just to have a neutral party to tell all my yucky crap to. Maybe even work together WITH Aislinn to repair anything that needs fixed. I love that girl so much, but there are a lot of times I just don't like her, and I know she has got to feel that.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

The economy has been stimulated. You're welcome

We did our part today. We stimulated the HELL out of the economy. The economy needed a cigarette after all our stimulating. We didn't spend ALL our money, but we did spend most. Not on stupid crap either! I know! We're getting so old. Wasn't too long ago we would have spent all 1800 on going out to eat and buying video games. Ok, well we did buy ONE video game, and we went out to eat too.

Most our money went to this:

Not the whole set. Just the couch. We went to all these furniture stores today, and I found out something important. Tony is a real big pain in the ass when it comes to shit like this, and I have no backbone when it comes to shit like this, and seem to get what HE wants then fume silently on the inside. I don't know why. He is all about "practicality" and "durability" and "comfort". Which in my opinion screams boring. I want COLOR and DESIGN and FUNKINESS. Not that I'm looking for a lime green, linear, ultra modern couch or anything. But, I don't know.... everything we looked at was brown or tan. Anything red, he hated. Anything blue, he hated. Anything with a pattern, he REALLY hated. He didn't want buttons, bows, stripes, rivets, or cord, and ABSOLUTELY NO tassels. Even throw pillows got the stank eye. Everything was so BORING. The sectional above was the most exciting thing we looked at.

Not that I'm knocking it. It was for me the best choice out of his requirements. I almost buckled on this awful couch and love seat set. It was AWFUL. At first I was all "Wow look at that distressed leather set over there. It's on sale" But, then you touched it and it was fabric. For some reason it was really odd. When you sat in it though. OMG it was amazing. It hugged you. But, it was AWFUL. If it had been leather, it would have been nice, but just knowing it was fabric, ugh. We were going to get it, but luckily we found the above set that he (and I) liked so much better.

I did find one set I fell in love with. Oh my. It was brown leather (I love leather) and it had recliners, and was so comfortable I could have fallen asleep on it. But the whole set was $3,500. This was at the Dump too. You know one of those places that claim to offer you "low low prices" because they are only opened on the weekends? Yeah that's a bunch of crap btw.

Actually the store we bought the sectional at was a rinky mom and pop. We were trying to get to the chain store NEXT to it, but we pulled into the wrong lot by accident. It just had that cheese ball ghetto look to it. It just screamed "Easy credit here" you know? Like I was going to walk in and find all velvet furniture with metal and glass coffee tables and lots and lots of gold stuff. You know what I'm talking about. Maybe a black coffee table with.. oh I don't know... a panther on it or something. I almost told Tony that I didn't want to go in there, but we decided to anyway. Am I so glad we did. They sold mostly Ashley furniture there. We don't have an Ashley showroom or anything here. It was really nice on the inside with a great selection and GREAT prices! We couldn't believe it. The sectional ended up costing less than we expected, so we got a storage ottoman as well.

So, that's it. New furniture for us. Yay.

I'm typing on our desktop right now. My laptop chord finally bit the bullet, so I can't charge my laptop at all. I went and got a universal chord, but of course out of the 10 plugs, none fit properly. I'm bummed about it. :( I guess I have to find something online.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

How's it going to be

I knew I was officially old today when almost none of the music I put on my mp3 player was new music. I think maybe.... four songs? Sad I know. I decided to go to Yahoo music just to see if anything popped out at me and I was all "Ew best of the 90's! Sweet!" How sad is that? Pretty dern sad.

My beedies are better. Today actually is a really good day, other than the finger stick from HELL. Right now my right pinky is sore sore sore. It will more than likely bruise tomorrow. I don't what I did, it was a new(ish) needle. I don't know if maybe I did it at an angle or what, but man! I felt the pain from my pinky to my elbow. It was terrible. I almost cried even.

When Tony got home, we went to measure the sectional we were going to buy, only to walk in and see that one half was gone. OOOKKAAAY. It wasn't sold seperately or anything. So, Tony went up to a "salesperson" to see why a part was missing, and if it was still for sale. She told him "I leave in fifteen minutes, you'll have to ask someone else" WTF? So, he did, and he got the minimum of help. Pretty much they told him that the sectional we wanted is the only one they have and that they don't know WHY a part was missing. Nice huh? Bitches. This was the Navy Exchange furniture store. Nice attitude huh?

Saturday we're going to go look at a few more stores. We'd only looked at the one which was driving me NUTS. Tony sees something he wants, he wants it, end of story. I want to look at all our options. Plus the navy store didn't offer fabric protection, and we don't think they offered delivery either, if the budget rent a truck sign had any indication.

This week is DRAGGGGING too. When will the weekend get here?

Friday, May 9, 2008

Beedies suck

If you eat too much, you get high readings, too many carbs, high readings, don't eat at all, or not enough, liver thinks you're starving, dumps sugar into your system, high readings.

With high readings comes fatigue, which makes you want to sleep instead of exercise, which turns your sugar into fat, which makes you more insulin resistant which keeps your blood sugar high, which was already high because you thought if you cut back on what you ate, you could lose some weight.

If your blood sugar is too high for too long you get a whole gamut of problems. If you're a woman, bladder infections, vaginitis, loss of sex drive. A man can get ED. They can be small like acne, or big like losing toes and fingers from infection. It can cause pain in your extremities. It can give your urine a sickly sweet smell. Athletes foot, slow healing sores, frequent urination, blurred vision.

If your blood sugar is good, it's not much better. You will have sore finges from being pricked a few times a day to keep the blood testing going. You probably won't be ableto eat pizza,oatmeal, cake, carrots, potatoes in any form, candy, pancakes, BBQ sauce, ketchup. Anything that tastes good. You will fight with dieticians that will try and tell you that you need to eat 60% of your calories in carbohydrate form, even though you know if you even glance longingly at a bowl of oatmeal, your blood sugar will spike a thousand points. A piece of bread, whole grain with double protein is your treat of the day.

The worst thing is you will bore your friends and family by writing a blog entry about it.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Geeking it up

Right now I'm blogging, Tony is playing some weird space online game while Jonny watches, and Aislinn is playing Zelda on the Wii. Can we be any more of a geek family? I guess we could be if we were also discussing the differences between Star Wars and Star Trek.

Nothing much has been happening here. I had a bit of an emotional day on Saturday. Just all round gloomines, that ended up in an argument between Tony and I, and then me crying like a big fat baby. The whole beedies thing is driving me insane. I'm trying, I really am, and it's so damn frustrating to see those high numbers. When you eat a salad with nothing more than lettuce, chicken, and a dressing, and you're still hungry only to take your blood sugar, and see some semi high number, all you want to do is stuff your face full of Krispy Kremes and potato chip sandwhiches. If my number are going to BE high, might as well enjoy the food right? Alas, it doesn't work that way, and since I am attatched to my feet and eyesight, I keep on keepin' on. It does suck though when Tony says he wants pancakes for dinner. Great thanks a lot. Not only can I not EAT it, I have to COOK them too. That's like rubbing salt on the wound isn't it? Or pouring sugar on a diabetic.

I've also been really lonely and feeling stuck in the house a lot lately. I think the nice weather, and the fact that the movie theater is chock full of movies I'd love to see right now, made me realize that babysitting is no longer a phone call away, or hell even getting someone to go with with me if Tony can't is no longer a phone call away. It sucks. So, when Tony is all crabby, and doesn't want to go and get dinner for the family, and gets pissy and slams his hand down on the table, spilling my cofffe, just because I was being passive aggresive and said "Fine forget it then, we'll eat ramen"... I cry, because I wouldn't BE in this situation if he had a NORMAL job, and he should spend all his free time kissing my feet and singing my praises. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.

I'll leave you with something that makes me laugh. There was a scene on Family Guy on Sunday that makes me "OMG LOL" whenever I think about it. One of the most brilliant casting choices in my opinion is Adam West as the insane mayor of Quahog. (Adam West played Batman on the TV show.) The family is sitting in the vets waiting room, and Adam West is sitting there with a cricket in a box. The cricket is singing like crazy. He turns to Meg and says "Excuse my cricket. He has restless leg syndrome" Ok I got the word "leg" before busting a gut.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

May Day

Holy cripes everyone, it's MAY. Can you all believe it? It's crazy. Yesterday and the day before it was pretty cold here, like "Should I wear a jacket on my walk" cold. Me and jackets don't get along, but that's how chilly it was. Today, I dressed Jonny and I in long pants and long sleeved shirts, and headed out to the grocery store. It was very, very warm. I felt like an idiot. Jonny was pink cheeked the whole time at the commisary. Poor baby.

While at the commisary I remembered that it was my Nana's birthday. I contemplated calling her. I haven't spoken to her in months, and we weren't exactly on good terms. Yet, I figured a 900 mile distance would protect me, so I called. It ended up being a nice little chat. One dig about not calling way in the beginning, I assume because her guard was up, so that was good. I was glad to talk to her. Usually though she likes to gossip, but that is kind of what got us not talking to begin with, and I think she knew that, so she was very careful about what she said. She was all praise and glory for my mom which wasn't always the case, and she was kinda down on my dad, but more of a he seems depressed kind of way. I guess they got into it about the "oriental versus asian" thing. Nana being an old biddy calls asian people oriental. I explained to her once before that oriental describes things.. rugs, clothes, lamps, etc. and that asian describes a person. So, it's not correct to call us oriental as we are not objects. I guess when Dad saw her last she was still saying oriental, and he tried to explain to her again that that is incorrect, and it turned into a bit of a tiff. Good for my dad for saying something! Then again though, oriental is a step up from "chink". She just calls chinese food "Chink food" not actual people chinks. I guess that's not bad for a 78 year old white lady.

Today we had a visitor at our house. A little wee bird. The kids were outside, and Tony and I were on the couch. He was studying, I was playing Guitar Hero, and he says "Hey Sandi, look over there" and in track for our sliding glass door was a little baby bird. It was trying to learn to fly, and it flew and landed right there. It just SAT there, looking around the house, being all cute and adorable! I wanted to take a picture of it in the track, and when I sat down, it flew behind our tv. Tony hurriedly turned the ceiling fan off, and got it from behind the tv. We all held it, and it was very agreeable. It sat on our fingers, and jumped around. The kids wanted to keep it, but we could hear the mama calling it.

We let him go outside, even though the kids did everything they could to get us to keep it. We put it in one of my hanging pots, and I tried to get a picture of it, but it came out blurry. It finally flew away with it's mama. It is a black capped Chickadee. Isn't it cute? It really is true, that a bird in the hand is worth two in a bush. I felt privileged, as corny as it sounds that the bird allowed us to hold it.