The same thought running through my head

"Before long, I won't be able to do this with Tony for six whole months"

It doesn't matter WHAT we're doing. Watching a movie, having sex, eating dinner together, cleaning the house, having a laugh, playing with the kids, whatever.

It's getting close that time he leaves, and although I feel very "been there, done that" about it all, and I'm sure my non chalance has made more than one person scratch their heads in confusion, I am very sad. The thing is though, we knew this time would come eventually (although not so damn soon!) and there is nothing to do but to "Suck it up Buttercup" to quote Jonny.

For some reason as well, this deployment doesn't fill me with the dread of six months of being ALONE, becuase now, I'm not alone. I have my TWO kids now, and I'm not working a job that both angers and depresses me, the oldest is in school, which will break up the monotony of the day, and we're in a "new" place that will offer us a lot of exploring while Daddy is gone.

Before, when Tony left, I went back to Saint Louis. The first time was because I was newly pregnant with Aislinn, and I didn't want to have the baby alone. The second time, I probably could have really stuck it out here, but my job was so taxing and tedious, and so full of drama, I took a leave of absence, using the whole "I'm scared to be alone" excuse to get away for a few months. Funny enough, being away showed me how much I truly HATED that job, and how much I loved being home with Aislinn, so I quit! Best choice I have made in a long time.

Ultimately though, I know I'll be ok because I'm ok now mentally. I know that I am strong enough and can handle it. I always cringe when people tell me how brave I am when he's gone, because really, how brave WAS I? I ran home to my parents everytime it got hard. It feels good to finally stand on my own two feet, with both my kiddies by my side, and doing what a REAL military wife does.

Dear God, it's me Sandi....

So as you probably know God, I was thinking about you while I was out driving around looking for that chicken place. II had a moment to myself, and my wandered to you. Thanks for having our back with the whole housing allowance thing. You did the best you could, and although not the ending we were expecting, it's a satisfying ending none the less. So thank you for that. I thought since you helped us with that, you know I wouldn't ask you to help me find the chicken place. I just came home empty handed and let Tony do it. I thought you did enough, and he hasn't done much of anything today.

God, I think you know that in the big scheme of things, I believe in you. I don't think you're some old white guy in flowing white robes, piercing blue eyes, and long white hair. I think of you more of an... energy. An unseen force if you will, allowing us to live our lives the way we want, with very little interference from you.

You know that I don't even consider myself a "christian" in the mainstream way of the word, and I think you're cool with that. I like to think of you as a forgiving and benevolant kind of God, I sometimes think of Earth as one big Sims game for you where you click on us all and make us pee, and go to work, and have a chuckle at our crazy antics. You leave us on free will, and are saddened when we make our mistakes but, allow us to live with our consuquences when we do, and you are happy and proud when we do something that is nice and caring, and allow us to live with the consequences that those decisions give us. I think you do answer prayers, but not silly ones. Earnest ones, and those prayers that go unanswered are opportunities. Tests, to see if we can make it or break from it all. Maybe that idea will change if, heaven forbid I get tested in a major way, like a death of child, or my husband, but for now I kind of get what you're trying to do.

I am not religious, and don't believe I need to go to church to be close to you. I do think that there are some people, a lot of people that love church for legitimate reasons, yet I don't think you are dissappointed in those that don't attend. I don't think you are the kind of God that needs to have your ego stroked, and that singing your praises is the way into heaven. You just seem to me to be above all that you know? I mean you've been around the block a few gajillion times, and singing "How great thou art" would probably start to get old. I mean, if Tony sang to me "Brown eyed girl" once, then I'd be touched. But, if he sang it to me everyday, or like once a week even, well then it would still be a nice gesture, but loses it's meaning over time.

I think you delight in those that find you and revere you in more subtle, and everyday ways. Teaching our children to be open minded and loving of all people. Finding someone and falling in love. Leading a good life, and by good I mean, happy, even if there is never enough money, or enough time, or enough of anything, except love and happiness. I truly believe in the saying "God helps those who help themselves". You would rather us try hard at this thing called life, find where we fit, and give us nudges if we need them. Isn't that true for everyone though? Wouldn't we all rather help those who are truly trying, and just need a lift? If someone was kneeling at my door day in and out begging me for something, I'd tell them all the energy they are using to BEG me could go toward getting what they want themselves. I think if I did that, you'd give me a high five, and say "Damn Right".

So, I don't know what it is I'm trying to say. Just that, I know you're there, and just wanted to say thanks. Everyone appreciates a pat on the back. I thought I would give you one. Maybe that's silly of me, but somehow I don't think you think it is.

Merry Christmas!!

I was kind of dreading Christmas this year, as this would be our first Christmas without family EVER. Well, not EVER now that I think about it, we did go home late one Christmas, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, can I say it hasn't been bad? I won't say that I LOVE it. But, we've all hung out in our sloppy clothes, playing with toys, and eating junk. Aislinn was so worried about what she would DO all day, and when she was in the mix with all her new stuff I said "OMG Aislinn what are you going to DO ALL DAY?" and she gave me her mean face but smiled.

I made home made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, with turkey bacon and eggs. Turkey bacon is AMAZING I love it more than regular bacon. Mmmm. I got new pots and pans for Christmas and it was so nice not having to worry about stuff sticking to the pan, and then rinsing it out easily. I used my new George Foreman grill I got from my mom to make the bacon. So easy! All of it red, the grill and my new pots and pans.

I got my ham in the oven. We'll eat in a few. I'm hungry!!

I've been feeding myself every cliche in the book this last month. Let's see there has been "What doesn't kill us make us stronger" and "Every cloud has a silver lining" and the the good ole "It's in Gods hands" "Fake it till you make it " Blah blah blah. All those little things we tell ourselves to get us through another day.

I can't deny it anymore, I am under a LOT of stress right now. Between the move, the money, Christmas, being homesick and lonely, and Tony's impending deployment, I can longer fake the funk. I can't pretend it all away. I can't be positive to get positivity in return. Sometimes, you know, life just SUCKS, and as much as I'm trying to roll with the punches (oh yeah that's another one!) The punches are landing, and leaving welts that I can no longer leave unattended. Each hit, is breaking open the pissiness wound that is barely being held together with my rainbow and sunshine bandage.

On top of it all, I've been feeling a lot of pressure from not doing my "wifely"duty. Tony hasn't been pressuring me because he's SO not that way, but it's mostly myself. Knowing that it has been so few and far between, and seeing that look in his eyes when I come to bed. It's just too much. Last night though. I was ready... until he walked in, and tried to hold me and I just felt nothing but sheer panic. I felt trapped, clausterphobic, anxious and not in that quivering love pudding, kind of way. Next thing I know, I'm clutching the pillow to my face, and yelling "The pressure, the pressure is too much! The pressure" Poor Tony. I tried to explain it to him but what came out was "I was ready until you got in here" Which he took as "You totally disgust me in every way shape and form" I could see the hurt in his eyes, and I just felt BAD.

We turned the light off, and tension was palpable. I asked him if he was mad, of course he said No, that the last thing he wanted to do was pressure me. I asked if he was hurt, and that answer was a longer time in coming, and he finally said yes. I laid there my chest to his back, and curled my face under his shoulder blade, and felt nothing but sorrow for hurting the one person I love more in the world. Hurting him, and not knowing WHY I felt this way.

That's when the thoughts started rushing in. Deployment, pay shortage, Christmas, bills, lonliness, homesickness, bam, bam, bam hitting me, each one like a physical punch to my mental gut. Next thing I knew, my lip was quivering, my breath started catching, and I was in full sob mode.

I sobbed for an hour, and blurted out all the things I was worried about, and had been keeping inside. I also had a mini panic attack, and hyperventilated, unable to catch my breath, which freaked me out even more. Every sentence starting with a sob filled "What if" or "I don't know" or "What can we do". Tony just holding and making calming noises while I verbally purged all the shit that has been making me FEEL like shit the last six weeks or so. I was in a state in which I hadn't been in a long time. Even when I thought I was done crying, I'd start all over again. When the actual sobs stopped, my eyes still leaked, as if to say "Hey, there has been quite a back order, and we need to get these OUT!"

I've barely cried since before the move. I held it in the best I could. A few times the tears threatened, but I always pushed them aside, telling myself that this is what happens when you live the life we do. But it all came to a head last night, and it cleared the air between Tony and I.

I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of positivity. Refreshed, and feeling ok. Knowing that all would be ok in the world. That is until this evening when I looked up Tony's pay for the first. The pay that was supposed to be back pay for all the shit we were not given, only to see that it was WRONG AGAIN, becuase of a dumb clerical error. The lady put in a ST. Louis zip code instead of our zip code, and that is a big difference a month in housing. So once again I'm left scrambling.

Sigh.

Ew. Is there anything worse than questionable meat? I pulled pork chops out for dinner, and once I opened them to get started... they smelled weird. I don't know if its just a general weird meat smell, or a start the Christmas holiday off with ass piss kind of smell, so I just chucked it just to be safe. So, now I'm sitting here waiting for the chicken to defrost so I can make chicken fingers. I could go the healthy route and do a chicken and broccoli stir fry, but fuck it, it's cold and I need umami* damn it.

Tony is currently playing Wii, and I'm trying REALLY hard not to tear the controller from his hands. We both got new games yesterday. Both of them extremely involved and addicting. I let him play since I had like shit to do. The house hadn't been picked up yesterday from all the game fun, so I had to get that done today.

I'm finding it oddly easier to pick up THIS house than the old house. The only reason I can think of is that 1. Bedrooms are UPSTAIRS. So none of the bedroom mess gets spilled over into the other parts of the living areas. 2. This house is a lot smaller, so when it gets messy it's much more noticeable, and 3. I've been mommy bad ass with the rules, and keeping the kids from tearing everything up. It's been nice.

Yesterday, the kids (and Tony) got to spend their gift cards at Wal-Mart from my sister yesterday. Jonny went the "Buy one big toy" route and Aislinn went the "How much CRAP can $20 buy me?" Which I was pretty sure was going to happen. She had fun though, so that's all that matters. My sister even told me I couldn't tell her she couldn't get stuff. She had to buy whatever her little heart desired, even if it is all junky and already lost.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umami

Umami is one of the proposed five basic tastes sensed by specialized receptor cells present on the human tongue.[1] The same taste is also known as xiānwèi (traditional Chinese: 鮮味; simplified Chinese: 鲜味) in Chinese cooking. Umami is a Japanese word meaning "savory" or "meaty" and thus applies to the sensation of savoriness—specifically, to the detection of glutamates, which are especially common in meats, cheese and other protein-heavy foods. The action of umami receptors explains why foods treated with monosodium glutamate (MSG) often taste "fuller".

I had one of those days, where you feel like all you've done is run around the house, doing this,and doing that, but when I look around, you can't tell. You can't tell I did a damn thing.

My life is so snooze fest boring right now. It really is. With little money to actually go out and do things, we've been pretty much home bound. This weekend we did got to Breakfast With Santa at Aislinn's school. It was nice. We had a very school cafeteria breakfast, with hot microwaved pancakes, and mystery meat sausages, stewed apples to make it "healthy" and a frozen juice. It wasn't SUPPOSED to be frozen, but it was frozen none the less. All of it was surprisingly tasty.

The kids had their pics with Santa, and I liked it because it only cost a dollar. Suck it mall Santa! With your overblown prices, and long long line, and your surly attitude. Aislinn's art teacher was the photographer, so she made sure that the kids were at least looking in the general direction, even if Santa had to forcibly hold Jonny's hands away from his face.

Before we left, we were trying to get a feel for what the kids were going to ask Santa for. If they wanted something extravagant, we'd nix it in some way. Aislinn is totally testing the "Is Santa real or not" theory. She asked for a pony, a laptop, a second wii, and some other outlandish things. Finally she ended up asking "If Santa knows everything I do, why do I have to ask? He should just KNOW" Damn. I was hoping to be able to get another year or two before this started up. Before I could "guide" her on what to ask for, but this year, that wasn't happening. As if that wasn't bad enough, she ended up asking for something off the wall. A stretchy sea turtle, like the kind she got from the little shop at the campgrounds one year. GREAAAT. Thanks to the power of the internet though, I was able to find one.

Jonny on the other hand, he showed Tony FIVE things he was going to ask for. Tony explained you could only ask for ONE thing, which Jonny thought was a crock of shit, because he started in with the whining. When Santa asked what he wanted he replied in a surly reply "Daddy said I could only ask for ONE thing" Which cracked us all up. He asked for the Geo Trax train set.

Then we went out to the mall to get our family ornament. This is something we've done every year since 2003. We looked around, and didn't see anything we could agree on. Finally, Jonny holds up a little ornament and asks "How bout this one?" It was perfect. Two bears on a wreath, then you bought extra bears to hang off of it. Too cute!

We get home, and that starts the search for the shit they asked for. Of course, we had neither of the things they wanted. The only place online that had the Geo Trax was Amazon for a hundred dollars. I freaked out! First, I can't spend a hundred dollars on ONE toy, and two, I wouldn't spend a 100 dollars on one toy even if I had the money. Tony found the ad Jonny was looking at, and it was the current ad. It had the train in the Toys R Us ad for 35 dollars with BONUS cars. I sent him out, and he got the last one. Luck was on our side.

I'm very proud of Aislinn on a totally different note. Since starting this school in Va, she is doing AMAZINGLY. She even comes home and asks to do her homework right away. She's finally learned to get it done when she walks in the door, she is free for the rest of the afternoon/evening. She gets home so early that there is plenty of play time left. She gets home around 2:45 and was done with homework by 3:05. She has take home reading a few nights a week. She brings a little book home on Mondays. When she brought the book home today, it was an Advanced REading book,a nd she READ it. I had to sign a slip of paper saying I give permission for her to take the AR reading quiz so she can move to the next level. I hope she passes. I told her how proud of her I was, and I told her she was officially a reader! She said "But, mom I will never be a book worm like you". I told her she didn't have to be, that a lot of people aren't readers, but become them later in life. She looked at me like I was nuts, like who would WANT to spends hours reading other than her dorky mom.

We signed her up for art classes and for Girl Scouts. I want her to have things to look forward to while Tony is gone. Also, it will break the week up for us I'm sure.

Well, that is my boring update and entry.

So, Tony is off of work until January 5, and as much as I know I need to be all clinging to him in desperation until he leaves, I can't help but be a little stand offish, by a little I mean snapping "Why are you all in my face right now?" in disgust. Becuase even though my mind and heart know that he is leaving soon, and that I need to spend every precious moment I have memorizing every line and freckle on his face, my body doesn't give a shit right now, because I have pms, and when those three little letters are present, it takes your mind and heart, and it gags them, and throws in a very dark cellar, where it then makes them put the lotion on the skin or it will give them the hose again.

It sucks, it's horrible timing, but what can I do? Its out of my hands.

I plan here in a bit to make my frist trip to the commisary. That is a scary thought. It's pay day, and it will be crowded. If I wait until Monday there is a possibility there will be no food left.

PMS and crowded food shopping, I see many many bad things happening.

I am going to get a LOT of crap about this.

I am playing right into my sister's hands ya'll.

But, why are cats so damn funny?

Sometimes, when I'm bored, and have nothing better to do, and it's quiet, and the kids are asleep, I like to go to http://icanhascheezburger.com/. I crack up, like that silent, doubled over laughter, tears streaming down my face. Which then usually sends Tony over to see what I am laughing at, and that sets us both off.

Cats are funny. What can I say?

Be careful for what you wish for.

So, we found out today, that Tony will be going out to sea for six months within the next few weeks. This has been a complete surprise. We haven't been here for even a full month, and we've already been thrown this curve ball. It's sad, but I am resigned already to deal with it the best I can. Really, what other option do I have you know?

The thing is, for awhile, I've been worried about our finances. For the first time in our ten year marriage we have credit card debt. Debt that we can't seem to pay off. We can always pay over each month, but not a lot. We're not behind, and we're not under the crushing weight of debt, but we do have more than I would like to have. This going out to sea will more than likely take care of all of that, but it just sucks that it has to be THIS way. Why couldn't it be with a bonus or something. Tony was actually due a bonus but got screwed out of it, becuase his old recruiting command needed him to re-enlist early, and becuase he did, he didn't get his bonus. He missed it by less than 30 days. Luckily we didnt know this until WAY after he re-enlisted so we were never expecting the money, but knowing he would have gotten a few thousand dollars and he didn't, for essentially being accomodating, is really irksome.

For some reason, Tony gets the WORST luck with the Navy. I haven't met anyone else that has had as money pay issues as we've had. I haven't met anyone that has had their orders changed... TWICE in less than a month, each time getting worse with each change. Even his friend today mentioned that he just has the WORST luck. He really does. I am not saying this in a woe is me kind of way, it's just the truth.

I know that we will be fine. I am really ok with all of this. I am thankfully to be on my Cymbalta because if I wasn't, I know I would be freaked out. If I think about it too hard, I feel sick and I want to cry, but I try really hard not to.

Yet, I can't help but be a bit bitter with Tony. All this turmoil, stress, etc all so he can continue doing what he loves to do. I was going to start my transcriptioning classes at the beginning of the year, and those will have to wait. I just hate having to always put my life on hold. I can't help when is it going to be MY turn?

It may sound selfish, but this has been ten years dealing with this, with another ten more to come.

I so should be in bed right now, but the quiet... good Lord, it's intoxicating!! I just love sitting here without someone up my ass literally. Jonny loves to run into my ass all day long. I'll be standing at the counter, or at the washer and feel a bump, and he's run at me and bumped my ass with his head. He's weird.

Although, today it's weird because today he got shy about showing his little penis to Aislinn. We were changing his pull up, and Aislinn walked by and stopped just to hang out I guess, and he covered himself up, and said "No, I don't want Aislinn to see my ding ding" So I blocked it from her view with my hand, and said "Aislinn your brother would like some privacy, can you move over there please?" It was cute, but I wonder if bath tomorrow will be an issue? They usually bathe together.

Also today I had the ultimate experience in having a boy. I went to sit on the toilet and fell in!! He forgot to lower the lid, and it hurt! Tony is really good about leaving the seat down. The only time the seat is up is when we have other males at the house. I had to explain to him that he has to put the seat down so mommy doesn't break her back.

Well this is a boring entry.

I lied I just smoked again, but Tony's pay is seriously screwed up and I'm stressing. WHY right before Christmas? Ugh.



I'm trying hard not to cry. :(

Time to face the music.

I am a diabetic.

Ok? There I said it. I know that I have been for a long time now, and usually ignore it. I don't eat like I should, I don't take my meds like I should, and I definitely don't take my blood glucose levels like I should.

Oh sure, I've made little changes. I no longer eat ice cream every night, I don't snack on chips like I used to. I try to eat three meals a day instead of skipping. Etc etc etc. All of this has been enough to keep me feeling "right". I could tell when I've had to many carbs or too much sugar, and would usually cut back.

When we moved here, I went a little crazy food wise. I had been feeling so good for so long, that I just kinda fell back into old habits. I think it was comfort for awhile, being stressed out with the move and all that. Also, eating out so much didn't help me either. There was no way around that though, as we didn't have anything to cook with.

Lately, I have been starving on a continuous basis. I would eat, feel satisfied a whole of thirty minutes, and then be starving again. I knew this wasn't in my head when I tried to "hold off" only to get a headache from not eating. My body was trying to tell me "Hey something is extremely fucked up here"

Last night, as I sat here, starving, and eating popcorn, the only thing I could find in the house, I looked up info on diabetes etc. I found out that smoking raised blood sugar. I didn't know this. When I first found out I had it, I didn't smoke. Now I do.

This morning, I had my first morning cigarette later than usual. I wasn't feeling THAT hungry before going out there. I finished my cigarette, and right away, instant hunger. It made me think about it, and usually after eating, I would smoke.

So, today I quit.

Things to get done post haste.....

1. Figure out how to program my thermostat. It's one of those new fangled digital ones, and we've spent most of our time here freezing our asses off. Oh sure, it's fifty degrees outside, but the wind makes it feel like -100. The previous renters set it up to only kick on at 6 am and 6 pm, then locked the fucker. Thanks to the wonder of the internets, I was able to download the book for the thermostat, and at the very least unlock it so I can move the temp gage up and down willy nilly at whim. I'm trying not to let the power go to my head.

2. Find Thomas the Tank Engine DVD so my son will stop singing the damn theme song. It's now stuck in my head and I can't get it out. What is it about Thomas and his creepy faced friends that causes such euphoria in the under 10 set?

3. Work on Christmas cards. They've been sitting there for days now, and whenever I walk past them, I avoid eye contact like they were a bad one night stand, one in which involved bodily fluids that usually aren't associated with coitus*. Use your imagination on that one folks.

4. Pull money out of my ass to buy Christmas presents. This is the only logical explanation as to where it will come from, because the bank isn't giving away free money. No matter how many times I suggest they do so.

5. Figure out what I can do about my whole ripping myself a new asshole evertime I go to the bathroom thing. Every two days it feels like I'm giving birth... out of my butt. Or as Jonny has dubbed it... my poop deck.

6. Figure out how to make coffee count as water consumption. I wonder in what box my "Little Missus Chemistry Set" is being stored in.

7. Set up Christmas ornaments to give my son a little merry jolt everytime he touches one. Bright shiny objects! Must touch! He will make a good man some day.

8. Make up dumb boring list post and force people to read.


*To make sure I was using the word coitus correctly, I looked it up on the Merriam-Webster dictionary online, and found this pat little definition..
physical union of male and female genitalia accompanied by rhythmic movements They make sex sound so... cute! Like come on everbody let's do the coitus!

This is nice.

Here I sit, husband beside me, movie going. The Christmas tree is lit up. Dinner is done, and a machine is washing the dishes. The kids are quiet and I have a hot cup of coffee beside me. Life just doesn't get much better than this. Especially the machine washing the dishes part. I have periodically made out with my dishwasher on a regular basis since moving in.

I am 99% sure I am going to start my medical transcriptioning course after the first of the year. I am oddly excited about this. I am not opposed to working, but if I can do it in my pj's then hell yeah bitches, I'm all for that.

Aislinn has been enjoying her position as "new kid on the block". All weekend we had kids running in and out of our house. There are four kids her age that live all within a few doors away from each other. They have been over everyday since the second day of school. They all go home promptly at five. I never wanted to be the kid house, but if I am going to be the kid house, I honestly couldn't ask for better kids to track leaves into my living room. They are all SO polite and well mannered. They all run home to check in once an hour. We've walked them all home at one point or another to introduce ourselves to the parents so they know we're not weird goat worshippers or anything.

Aaaahh. That is the sigh of contentment.

The house is coming along... we put up all our pictures, and most the clutter is cleared away from the downstairs. The upstairs... we won't discuss that. We got the turtle set up in his tank, with a new heater, and lamp. Merry Christmas you little fucker.





Today, we took the kids out and did some browsing for a new tv. Unfortunately, you can't get a regular ole tv anymore it seems, and I'm cheap! I just want a regular old tv since ours bit the dust for the bedroom. We need two tv's. I am SO sick of watching Disney channel and Nick.





Oh and we got all our Christmas decorations up. We decided to skip the outdoor lights this year, since we got a late start on getting it all together. But, our tree is up, and our mantel is fixed up all perty.

That's the tree. For the life of me I could NOT get a good picture of it. But, you get the point. You've seen one tree you've seen em all right?

That's the mantel. I love it. It doesn't look like much in the picture, but it looks really cool in person. You can't really tell, but the candles are all lit.

Everything is coming together nicely. Now just to focus on the kids gifts. I haven't gotten either of them ONE single thing. Sigh.

Tiiiiiimmmmme is on my side....

Yes it is.

Holy Hell, it is officially eight am, and my kid is gone, the other is asleep, and it's QUIET and I have nothing to do. Well, except vacuum and clear up some mess in my bedroom, but I mean FUN things to do. Not boring ole HOUSE stuff.

Aislinn and I were at the bus stop PROMPTLY at 7:30 because that is what we were TOLD TO DO. Fifteen minutes later, FIFTEEN EFFING MINUTES later the bus showed up. I was not pleased. Luckily, Tony came home real quick so, I was able to wait with her. The other kids obviously knew that the bus driver is a BIG FAT LIAR, I mean late, and came out about 7:40. So now we know. My plan was to just stand at the end of the driveway to watch her, but that would have been fifteen minutes of standing at the end of the driveway... watching her stand alone.

The boy that lives a few houses down that is in her class came out. What a CUTIE!! He was so talkative, he talked Aislinn under the table. Aislinn is getting so grown up. The boy, Sasha came out and she said "I thought the bus had left!" and they immedaitely started chatting about that, while I stood there, awkward, trying not to butt in, but feeling oddly... excluded. Then the little girl, Bethany a few housed down came out with her mom. I met the mom and talked to her for a bit. She was very nice. Said she was glad that another girl close to her daughters age moved in, said they hoped they would hang out, stuff like that.

I know Jonny is going to FREAK when he wakes up and everyone but boring mom is gone. The kids are used to waking up and Tony being home. They can't wrap their minds behind the fact that becuase daddy leaves early, he gets home early.

Speaking of Tony coming home early, wow that is going to take some adjustment. This is the first time I've been a SAHM where Tony has been home for a big portion of our waking day. It'sgoing to take some getting used to. But, I will say this... the house has been a lot cleaner becuase of it. I can spend time with the kids, but have him play fun daddy while I get stuff done. Yesterday I was able to mop the floor without a little three yr old running in and out yelling "Watch this cool stuff" tracking more dirt on the floor.

Speaking of "Watch this cool stuff" Jonny is such a freaking card. Everything is "Awesome dude!" Or "Totally awesome dude" Yesterday, after dropping Aislinn off at school, we were walking through the halls to leave. All of a sudden, in the middle of a crowded hallway, he decides to do a power slide. You know, like how rock stars do on their knees? He moved maybe a half an inch, but it was a power slide none the less. He was like "Watch me mommy, this is totally awesome" and he power slid his little half inch. Then jumps up and says "Whoa dude, that was awesome!" He makes us laugh so hard.

First day of school for Aislinn!!

I was nervous of all things about the damn bus. I wasn't sure where they picked up and dropped off. I got Aislinn up early (which wasn't very fun for her) and got her ready. I watched for the bus, and then we caught up to it, and saw where they picked up and dropped off. I talked to the bus driver just to inform her that Aislinn was new, and had never ridden a bus before. Look me being all pro active parent. I drove her to school, walked her to her classroom, and then dropped a check off at the lunch room for her account.

Then it was pretty much waiting around until she got home. I was too nervous to do much. I did get some laundry done and some boxes unpacked, but I worried if she was doing ok.

All my worrying was for naught though. School lets out at 2:30 and I was outside waiting for the bus I think at 2:35. Jonny and I hung out outside waiting. We saw the bus and started walking down toward it. Usually when I picked her up from school, I get a big hug, but today she was too busy making friends to worry about all THAT. Two kids on her bus live a few doors down, and one is in her class. She was just chatting away.

I am so proud of her.

Things are slowly getting settled down here. My kitchen is pretty much done, except for one small box that I am just too lazy to put away. Just stuff like spices and crap. But, one amazing thing is there are no dishes in my sink. It's so freaking awesome to have a dishwasher! Oh My God. I can't even begin to explain how awesome this is. Every place I have lived before this did not have one, so I am very, very thankful to have one now. To have the dishes done, and the sink clean before the kids go to bed is just amazing. I just turn it on, and voila! Done!

We got Aislinn registered for school today, and she starts tomorrow. I'm nervous. She is taking the bus home (I wanted to drop her off there tomorrow) and I am still unsure as to WHERE the bus drops off. I'll just run up and down the street hoping to see her bus I guess. There is a park a few hundred yards away, and I think that is where it is. We can see it from our driveway.

We had our first cooked dinner, at the table tonight. Aislinn's new responsibility is to set and clear the table. She was oddly excited about this. We'll see how long this lasts. Having dinner together for a change is going to be fun! Tony can actually eat his food hot.

I still need to get Aislinn's bookbag together for tomorrow and her clothes together. It's going to suck not having Tony here to help me with the morning rush, but it's a good pay off to have him home early every afternoon. He got to actually SIT down and play video games today, something he hasn't been able to do in months. He also took the kids to the park. This is going to be VERY nice.

Happiness is.....

Cable.

The end.

Ok, well not the end, for reals.

We have been here since Wednesday, and we finally got cable today. The kids, they have been quiet. Eerily so. The only time I notice them is when I go upstairs. Or down. Because, apparantly I have not cut that cord yet. When I got up, they go up, if I go down, they go down. If I manage to sneak up or down without one of them, I get to hear "Moooommmmmm!!!! Where are you? Moooomm? The cord, it's stretched too far, and I am being deprived of sweet sweet nourishments. I neeeeeddddd YOOOOOUUUUU!" I am already beginning to hate this two story thing. The funny thing is, we had an upstairs and downstairs in the old place, and this was never an issue. Well kind of an issue, but they just depended on each other.

Funny thing is that Aislinn is watching Hannah Montana. We had avoided the HM obsession up until this VERY moment. All I can say is that I detest the Disney kids mugging and over acting.

My first official blog post from Va, unfortunately, I can't post it until we get internets here. So, I'm doing it in my Notepad.

So, we've been here for (quick pause for finger counting) four days. We already feel at home and comfortable. Well, as comfortable as one can be without beds, washing machine, and all the other creature comforts of life. Thankfully though, that will be rectified tomorrow. We got lucky with a very early delivery date for our stuff. With the holiday, Monday was the earliest they could do, and I'm not complaining. Don't ask my back though, it's bitching up a storm from sleeping on that air mattress. Tomorrow, we also have the phone and cable being installed... YES! Oh and of course, my sweet, sweet internets.

The drive out here wasn't bad at all. That duel screen DVD player was the BEST thing we could have bought. I bought the kids a ten disc Pokemon set, and that lasted eight hours. So, they watched that for eight straight hours the first day. I'm surprised they're not little zombies by now. They were little ANGELS in the van for EIGHT hours the first day. What I liked most about the DVD player is that it gave them something to DO while they were in the car, and they didn't sleep. Jonny slept some, but not much. When we got to the hotel the first night, they went right to sleep. When we got to the hotel, Jonny thought that our room was our home. He is such an agreeable little cuss. He just took it in stride that our new "home" was a tiny room without a kitchen.

The second day was a little bit more hairy with the kids, but not too bad. I expected much, much worse. Just a few crying jags from Jonny when he would drop his blanket, and a lot of the times he'd do it on purpose, causing us to pull over and get it for him. Tony was being a jerk, and rushing us to get on the road constantly. I mean, it was all fine for him, as he was alone in his car, but man I couldn't take it the screaming for the "wankie" much more. (Jonny sometimes reverts to baby talk to be cute, and calls it his wankie).

We get to the realtor office, where Tony and I ended up in a huge argument in the parking lot. Basically, we were all tired, and he being a man, depends on his penis to find where he is going. He had NO directions to the realtors office. It was rush hour, and he ended up really lost, where as I was able to pretty much find my way up to a point. It was ugly.

We of course, get lost to the house as well. Tensions are running high. We pull up to our street, and it's townhome upon townhome right on top of each other. It reminded me somewhat of a ghetto, the way everyone was just on top of each other. People were swarming the street, kids running around. I was like "OMG this is going to suck". Luckily though, we're on the less crowded end of the street. We pull up to the house, and the front is cute. Really cute. But, we walked in, and I HATED it. It's small. It has no windows. I just.. well hated it. Aislinn went through the house pointing out all the shit she hated as well, which didn't help my mood. I felt like crying. I had held it together pretty well, just a few weeping episodes when saying good-bye to people. But, this was the icing on the shit cake you know? I didn't cry though, Tony had tried really hard, and he was trying to be so positive. After getting our stuff in, we went to eat, and I said "You know I hate this house" and he said "I know, but it was the best I could do".

When we went to eat, we realized where we were. We live very close to where our old daycare provider used to live, and after we realized that, we knew where to go for everything. We had come a back way, and it was dark out, so we were confused, plus they had added a lot of new things. It was cool to see the Chick Fil A I used to stop in every morning, and the Starbucks I would stop at as well (no wonder I am fat!). It was a lot of fun. We went to eat at the Golden Corral we used to go to all the time, and went to Kmart to buy a few things we needed for the house.

The next morning the house wasn't as bad. I was in a better mood. We got dressed and went to Tony's friends house for Thanksgiving. Oh my God, there were seventeen people there. Ten of them kids. We had a really good time. When we lived here before, I used to be very insecure around this couple. The only thing I can say about that is that we were all young, in our mid twenties, and opinionated. They again, are "stuff" people, and Tony and I, well we are not. The first thing the wife asked was what I planned on doing (as far as work) when we got settled. I just told her straight out "I was meant to stay with my kids, that is how I am happiest. It takes a lot of sacrifice on our part, but it's well worth it for us" and she said "Yeah, I've always wanted to stay home with my kids too" But, I said it, sitting there in her huge house, I felt not shame, but pride. In the end, you have to do what's best for YOU you know? If I'm happy being a SAHM, then so be it. I know this is how I was supposed to live you know? I have the rest of my life to get "stuff" my kids will only be little once. When the next couple showed up, again, I was asked what I was planning on doing, and said it again. We may not have new cars, or big homes, but man, we're happy. I'll take that any day. After that was established, we had a really good time. I sat and talked to one lady who I kind of knew before. She was in the Navy and used to be in Tony's school. She then married another guy from the school, and THAT guy was on Tony's ship. She is SUPER nice. We talked forever, and I now feel I have some friends you know? Her sister was there, and she was super nice too. I feel better about that aspect now.

I'll stop here, there is so much more to talk about though. The stressful parts. Like money. Tony forgot to mention we had to give the realtor company 315 dollars when we got there. Ugh.

Why yes, yes I am still alive.

Wow, the time is just FLYING by right now. I really wasn't looking forward to staying here with our friends, but I am now glad that we did. We are having a good time, and they have made us feel so welcome.

Just one more week, that's it. Can't believe it!

I'm living in the land of the boxes, but oh my GOD we have so much shit to dump. They are coming today to get all our stuff. Trying to entertain two kids without tv or computer, is in a word, aggravating. All their toys are packed except for a few we left out, and they spend most of their free time wrestling. A LOT of wrestling, and yelling, and wrestling, and drawing on the boxes with markers, and wrestling.

It's very stressful right now.

I realized something today.....

I SUCK at making fires!!

I decided to try and make a fire to get rid of a bunch of stuff. Ok, no enviromental bashing ok? I had an ASSTON of credit card offers that were just sitting there, and no shredder, because SOMEONE took it to work like three years ago, and LEFT it at his old office, and damn that Tony is an ass, I mean SOMEONE is an ass.

How hard could it be right? Man, it took me longer to get the damn fire going than it did getting rid of my stuff. Now I'm kinda stuck out here, since the fire IS going, and I don't want to just leave it.

Really, I know it's me kind of pussyfooting around the WORK that needs to be done around here. Hello, it's noon, and I've half assed cleaned out my pantry. I am SUCH a slacker, but I know in the end, it will all get done. Why? Becuase Tony will do it becuase I am such a lazy ass.

So emotional right now....

Everything is just coming to a head. We've got movers coming tomorrow, and the reality of it all has hit me like a ton of bricks. Just now reading about a friends dads death made me want to cry, which I normally don't do. I think maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that they are from here, and her father was buried in Jefferson Barracks where Tony's grandpa is.

I've gone through the gamut of emotions this weekend. I've gone from excited, to anxious, to sad, to pissed. The pissed is the only one that has made me cry though. That was yesterday morning, and I looked a wreck by the time everyone got here, everyone kept saying how "stressed out" I looked. No, just a little heartbroken and a whole lot of angry.

I've got so much stuff to do today, but a part of me just wants to live in my house for one more day. After Wednesday it will be a shell of nothingness, the only memory of my family will be the stains on teh carpet and the walls. We have to move into someone elses home for ten days which I am not looking forward to, and it's just too much.

The last five years have gone by in a blink. I will miss everyone. It sucks, but life goes on.

Today we had an early Thanksgiving celebration here at the house. Tony's dad and his wife brought all the food, and everyone came over and we had a good time. Then my inlaws "kidnapped" Aislinn while they were here, and took her to pick out a new bike. They bought her new training wheels, but they didn't fit the new bike. We told her she was going to have to learn how to ride without them. She was very upset, as she is a very cautious child. I explained to her that the way I learned. I was NINE when I learned finally, and I had my dad take my training wheels off, and I went out on the grass in our yard, and just kept trying until I got it. She was very hesitant try. The new bike is of course bigger, and this kind of freaked her out, being higher up off the ground, but her old bike was just too small.

I said "Hey, why don't you try learning on the OLD bike first, that way you'll feel more comfortable" She said ok, and took it out to the yard, and kept at it. An hour later, she was zipping ALL over the place. I was SO proud of her!! She was so proud of herself too!!

It's little moments like that, that make having kids so wonderful.

Tomorrow is going to be a BUSY day for me, and I just hope I can just buckle down and get it all done. I have to get all our laundry done, all our clothes packed up, and all the stuff we plan to take with us set aside. I need to clean under all the couches, and clean out a few areas. Tuesday they come to pack, adn then Wednesday they will take it all out. Wednesday evening, we will "move in" with our friends until we leave on the 20th. I'm a little torn on when to officially pull Aislinn out of school. Our friends live about 30 miles from here, and trying to get her there during morning rush hour traffic is going to be tough.

November first. It's officially the month of our move. I look around here and go "Holy shit, I got stuff to do" They are coming on TUESDAY to get our stuff. TUESDAY!! Did I mention that Tuesday is the SEVENTH and we don't leave here until like the TWENTIETH?!? Which means we either have to sleep here with the bare minimum of stuff or stay with friends. I'm opting to stay here. Closer to Aislinn's school. She's already going to miss SO much school, I don'twant to pull her out anymore than I have to you know? Just get some air mattresses, and keep a few essential items around, and I think we should be just fine. We had already planned on taking a few bare essentuals with us as it is, because we probably won't get our stuff until like the following week after we get there... if we're lucky that is. We're keeping our laptops, tv, coffee maker, blankets, a few pots and pans, and some utensils and plates and as much clothing as we can fit into whatever.

It's getting down to the nitty gritty. We are having a family get together on Sunday for an early Thanksgiving dinner. It doesn't look like my family will make it, which makes me sad. They said they will try, and I appreciate it and hope that they can. I know I will see them before we move, but it's going to be our only chance at a "Thanksgiving" before we move. We have to leave before Thanksgiving to get there in time to sign the lease and all that.

Stress is literally falling out of my ass at any given moment. LOL

What are you going to do right? The kids seem ok. Aislinn has come to terms with the move, and Jonny, well Jonny thinks we're going to Virginias house. LOL There is a girl the kids know by that name, and he seems to think we're going to go live with her and her family. Silly, silly kid.

Our plan is to get one of those DVD players that hang off the back of the headrests, and a bunch of fun shit for them to do. Trying to hide the fact that they will spend a total of 14 hours in a car, which is going to be tough. Another reason we want to leave early. If we have make a bajillion stops, we wont be rushed. It'sgoing to suck too becuae Tony and I will not be together. He will be driving the car, and me the van with the kids.

So much to do!!

It is so weird not to be glued to my laptop anymore. I spent so much time researching where to live, and now that it is done, I often find myself grabbing my laptop in a spare moment, and sitting here with NOTHING TO DO!

It's an awesome feeling.

Now, the countdown begins. I have twenty six days until we move, and I am excited. I will of course miss all my family and friends, but it is inevitable, and the only thing to do is to be postive about it all. I knew when I marred that man o' mine that moving, moving, moving was going to be a way of life.

Right now I get to concentrate on more fun things like what to get my kiddies for Christmas. Right now the Leapster bike is on the list for the J-man. Aislinn.. not so sure. Imean she spent twenty minutes at the store the other day trying to convince me to buy her the pink Sony Viao laptop she found. Yeah right sweetheart. Not while your daddy is typing on a crappy HP right now.

We got the BIG BOOK OF TOYS today, and they had a blast circling ALL the things they wanted. If only that was possible. But, it will give me some ideas.

Having kids is such a blast. Sometimes I get caught up in the whole adult world thing, I often forget that HEY YOU HAVE KIDS, and to stop and play.

Today we carved pumpkins, and to my utter amazement Aislinn did most of hers ALL BY HERSELF. I was so proud of her, and you know what? She did an amazing job! Although, she carved out what I thought was a ghost, and I said "I love the ghost you added" and she got embarrassed and said "That was supposed to be a fish" Ooops. But, she said "You know, that does look like a ghost though! Such a giving soul.

I don't think I mentioned this here, but recently Aislinn had an incident at school. She had severlely chapped lips and looked like a clown. A girl passed her in the hall, and said "Hey Ugly Girl" which of course hurt her feelings. She didn't cry though (which is what I would have done as a child) but shot her a dirty look. I really wanted to cry. It broke my heart. The next day I asked her if the girl said it again, and she said "You know what? I found out that, that girl is in KINDERGARTEN mom, and so I'm not upset anymore, because she's a little girl, and she doesn't know any better."

Wow.

What a caring girl I have, and such a smart girl to know that someone that young doesn't have the compacity for empathy yet. That at that age, you blurt out whatever is on your mind, mean or not. I wanted to cry harder that day then the previous. She just blows my mind with her intellect and wisdom at times. Then again, this is a girl that also managed to get her slinky so wrapped up on the swing set, I had to take the swing DOWN to get it off. So, wisdom... well it comes and goes. But, isn't that true for us all?

If you haven't read this blog yet, you really, really should. Thank you to Christina for showing it to me.


http://www.schuylersmonsterblog.com/

It's a blog about a dad, and his daughter who can't speak. But, talk she does. It's an amazing journey that Rob takes us through effortlessly. There is no other blog that makes me feel so GOOD about life. So GOOD about humanity. I always leave there feeling warm and fuzzy all up in my insides.

This blog has helped me with Aislinn so much. To show me that all seven year olds are strangely weird in a great way. But, it also has shown me that I can not control Aislinn's ticks and weirdies, but I can definitely enjoy them the best I can.

I got my new tattoo today, and zomg do I love it. It looks awesome, and I can't stop staring at it. When I went to my moms, I nonchalantly walked into my moms room (or so I thought) and looked at it, and my sister busted me. She said it was allowed though. LOL

My mom and my sister were both concerned about my tattoo. I was really unable to explain WHAT I was getting. The artist and I had emailed a few times to discuss ideas, but I honestly didn't know what she was going to come up with. So I guess they were assuming this horrible tribal looking design. When they saw it, they were both pleasantly surprised by the design and feminity it has.

The turquoise ribbon is just slightly cut off. I'll be honest it was bigger than I expected, but once I saw it, I fell in love. She only charged me a hundred dollars too!! I just love it. I especially love the little lime green whoopty doos (her term not mine) she added that wasn't on the original design. She said it needed a little something extra added to it.

And dare I say, it compliments my freckles? LOL

So, yes I'm in love. Tony loves it, and both kids like it too. Even Miss I hate anything new you do to yourself. Her first comment was "I hate it" but I think she is so used to saying that whenever a change occurs, but she asked to look at it a few times, and seemed to like it. Jonny wanted to know when he was going to get HIS tattoo. Not until your 18 buddy, just like the rest of us.

The artist did an amazing job. She was very sweet, and was just tickled pink that I let her design it herself, and that she was doing somethin girly for a change. She was just all "Omg, this is going to be so great!" and "This is looking awesome, I am having SO much fun!" Far cry from my other two tattoos where it was like complete intimidation walking in, picking something out, and then having some angry dude just scratch away at your skin, without much enthusiasm for what he is doing. THIS was the real deal, and it was amazing!

Perfect example. She had complete enthusiasm for what I was doing. She was downright eager to get started, excitedly pulling out her sketchbook, and showing me what she had done, making sure I liked it, assuring me that it could be changed. Making little excited noises while doing it, etc. While talking, she said something about some girl coming in to get a fairy later on in the day, and her demeanor changed almost right away. Bored, not looking forward to it, kinda pissy about it. It just kind of solidfied to me that just walking in and getting something off the wall is not going to get you a good tattoo.

The burning though after. OMG. I've had two very small tattoos done in the past, so the burning was never an issue for me. But just the AIR hitting this was killing me.

It feels good now, and I've schmeared some gunk on it, and now I'm going to bed.

Tony is home!! He got in around seven-ish this morning. He was so exhausted, but we sat up and chatted for a bit. He had a good time. He was telling me all about his friend, and how it's so weird to see his friend as a DAD (last time he saw him, his son was a baby. His son is now five) . He had a really good time. He said the kids were awesome, and it felt comfortable being around the family. I'm getting really excited about going there. At least THIS time, we'll know people.

Tony got us a place to stay and although not our first choice, we went with it anyway. Our other choice was better, nicer area, bigger townhome. But, there was a pond behind the "yard" and I use the term yard loosely, as it was teeny. Enough room for our table and that's it. Plus the pond freaked us out. With the two adventurers I have on my hands, it would not go well. Also, we'd have to get a new stackable washer and dryer, and even used, they are EXPENSIVE!!

So, we went with the smaller townhome. The best part is that it's an end unit, so there is more yard. Not much mind you, it makes our current yard look like a field. But for a townhome, a decent sized one. We can put our swingset up and still have room for the kids to play. Plus, there is a laundry ROOM not just a laundry space. At first I thought I would have to go outside to get to the laundry room, but found out that isn't so. Thank God.

It does look smallish though. But, our plan is just to live there a year and move to base housing, or if we get enough saved, buy a house. We're hoping that the current trend of foreclosed homes (not that we're hoping for people to foreclose of course) will hit that area brining house pricing down. I doubt it since there is always a new flow of people coming in and out of there, but we'll see. At this point the only thing we COULD afford would be... well a townhome. I am ready to get into a place to call my own though. To paint if I feel like it, and hang a billion pictures up if I want to. Get some critters.

So, we now have a place to live!! I'm very excited about this, and very happy. I am glad Tony went and checked it out. We just can move in immediately, and it will be awesome. Plust after his school, Tony will have close to three weeks off before he goes to his new command. So we can get settled and everything.

Today I have a tattoo appointment. I can't wait! I'll post pics for sure!

Tony arrived in Va safely. I talked to him quite a bit today, and he seems very excited. As much as I bitch, and bitch and bitch, there is no denying that it feels good to hear my man so happy. Relaxed, excited, full of nervous energy. He drove straight through the night, getting caught up in bad storms in Kentucky and West Virginia. He went to the base, got stickers for the car and the van (you need Dept. of Defense stickers on your vehicles just to get on base) and then drove straight to his new command. He met all his future co-workers.

He will get all our stuff done tomorrow. Not exactly sure what he plans on doing? But, hey whatever.

The kids have been pretty good since he's been gone. I have PMS, so I am a little short tempered, but they're being so good, that there is rarely yelling.

This morning I did have an incident with the moving company. They were scheduled to do a walk through on the 30th to see how many boxes we'd need. Well, I walk outside and someone pulls up and walks up to me. I mean I was literally putting the kids IN THE VAN to go to school. I assumed that it was just someone who wanted to inquire about the house being for rent, since our landlady put a sign up. She told me who she was and why she was here, and I told her that I was not at all prepared, and that I knew for a fact our appointment wasn't until next week. She was passively aggresive pushy, which irked me. Like being fakey nice, but really basically telling me I was inconveniencing HER. Which just blew my mind. SHE comes on the wrong day, while I'm trying to get my daughter to school on time, so she can eat breakfast there, and I'm making this hard for HER?!?

Basically she wouldn't shut the fuck up, and Aislinn didn't get to eat breakfast. Aislinn likes to eat breakfast at school, because she doesn't like to get up and have to eat right away. It works out for us all, as she is in better spirits when she leaves for school since we're not constantly nagging her to hurry up already, right when she wakes up.

I was so pissed at this lady. She KNEW, she KNEW and she came anyway. WHY? Because, she knew Tony was gone. I was home when he called her, and she wanted to make the app. for today, and he said no, he was going to be gone. So, she shows up anyway, becuase he wasn't going to be there.

I left her standing there, and went to drop A off. Then I went to my moms and made that lady wait, for like thirty minutes. LOL Totally passive aggresive on MY part, but you fight fire with fire. Then, when I got back, I told her straight out... I didn't appreciate this, it was truly inconvenient for me, my husband wanted to BE here, and I feel that she did this on purpose to suit HER scheduel and knew that Tony wouldn't be here. She left, but not before telling me that it was a 20 mile drive. Man I was pissed.

First of all, my house wasn't company worthy. Shame on me sure, but hey whatever. If you say you're going to be here on the 30th don't show up a week early. Plus, I have this thing about people in my house. I really really hate it. I usually schedule stuff when I know Tony will be home, because I hate having strangers in my home. I feel nauseous and anxious and just all around jittery.

We've had an eventful evening tonight.

After much back and forth on should he, shouldn't he, Tony decides finally that YES he is going to drive the 14 hours (he says 14, I say 17) to Va, to look at our housing options. He had actually made this decision earlier in the day.

So, tell me WHY after laying about all day doing nothing, he tells me FIVE minutes before he leaves he needs the insurance card for the car. While I'm weeding through all the credit card offers and junk mail that I've saved to be shredded, the kids are bouncing on my LAST nerve.

They had been fighting over this fucking punch ball balloon all afternoon. One would have it, and then mercilessly tease the other one for not having it, causing crying. Then, the balloon would be forgotten about by the teaser, then the teasee would quickly snatch it, and then the roles would be reversed.

I was really fucking sick of it.

Finally, after hearing "Mommy! I want the ballooon WAAAAAAHHHHHHH" 200 times, I snatched that fucking balloon, took a pen and jammed it in. The pop it made was like a cool balm for my nerves.

There. Balloon ordeal over.

Yeah right.

Both kids stared at me with their huge fucking kid eyes, lips quivering, tears welling, then oh the wailing. It was like I murdered a puppy right in front of their eyes.

Aislinn wailed "I want my bouncy friend! I want my bouncy friend. You killed my bouncy friend" Jonny wailed "My BALLLOOOOOONNN! Why'd you pop it? My BALLLOOOONNN" This went on for about fifteen minutes. Thank God the windows were down. They were running around, screaming, crying, pounding the floor, slinging tears and snot everywhere. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't help it, I felt a giggle rise in my throat. I had to run to the bathroom, where Tony was taking a shower and laugh and laugh.

I am a horrible mom.

It's COLD bitches. COLD COLD COLD. I am currently wearing a fleece jacket, socks AND slippers, and I have the heat on. It's official. I'm getting old. But, it beats being hot, so I'm not complaining.

This morning was a toughy with Aislinn. Tony is home, so of course the morning starts off with every possible ailment Aislinn could think of to keep me from sending her to school. That girl. God love her.

So, she has gotten over her socks and shoes issues. YAY! She can now put on her socks and shoes without a fuss. But, she's moved on to pants. No matter what pants she has on, they don't feel right. Whatever girl. I don't care. Wear the pants and go to school ok? Today, she bitched about SWEAT PANTS. What the hell?!? I told her I'm just going to buy her jeans if she's going to complain about her pants, because then at least she would look tidy. If I have to hear her fuss, might as well right?

I decided the other day to do a little experiment. We were at Target, and I told she could pick out her OWN outfit. Do you know what that little snot said to me? "Finally!" Ok. So, she actually picks out some really cute stuff. Sweat pants still, but at least dressier. She insisted on getting large though, which are too big. She puts her new sweat outfit on yesterday, AND SHE COMPLAINED ABOUT THE PANTS. Just to let you know, she can't walk to feet without having to hike them up her ass, because they are TOO BIG.

I swear, I'm buying her jeans.

Yesterday, we went to the main library to see the founding members of TAPS (The Atlantic Paranormal Society I think is what it stands for) that have their own show on SciFi that we all love, called GhostHunters. We get there... and they were full. Aislinn was SO disappointed. So we took them to Incredible Pizza for dinner. We had a good time.

New do.

So, I've always wanted to do something fun with my hair. What I don't know. But, usually it inolves the color RED. Red all over, red streaks, red higlights. The problem with this though, is my hair is dark. Once I went and paid 85 dollars for red highlights, only to chicken out at the last minute and tell the lady "Not to drastic please" and came out looking pretty much like I did when I got there. I might as well have lit that 85 bucks on fire, because at least I would have been warm, getting SOMETHING out of it.



The thing is, I would have to BLEACH the parts I want to make red. BLEACH. I bleached my hair once, and HATED it. Everyone at the timewas bleaching blonde highlights in their hair, and I thought I should too. The thing with me, as with most fashion, what looks fab on everyone else, makes me look like I'm trying to hard. Then I had kids, and stuff like getting my hair dyed in some odd color was not important anymore. Getting dressed was the goal of the day, and getting dressed in something other than yesterdays sweats was enough to give you a gold medal in beauty.



I took the plunge yesterday. I dyed my hair a copper color over the summer. I liked it, but the whole eyebrows didn't match my hair thing drove me nuts. Now that it's getting cold, I decided to go back to my natural color, which I love, and don't know why I messed with to begin with. But, next thing I know, I'm buying a bleach kit and red dye to do what I've always wanted to do. I managed to pull my hair through myself, and bleach it, then painted the red on. It's not EXACTLY what I wanted, I just kind of of wanted red STREAKS but, I got the front of my head all red. Oh well. I still like it.



This is what I ended up with.

And yes I am wearing clothing. I'm wearing a terry tube dress, the must have accesory when dying your hair. It looks more pink in this pic, but it's definitetly red in real life.

This is outside today. I don't know WHY I'm making this face. I thought I was smiling. It looks like I'm on the toilet, but I swear to you, I'm not.

It looked really sweet in a ponytail.....

Again, tube dress. I threw it on today for comfort.

Do you see any lice? LOL

Then I got it cut. Because as cute as it looked in the ponytail, and even though I wear a ponytail 95% of the time, I just didn't like it as much long and red.

So, then I did this......

So, even though it may be a technical nightmare, I still think its pretty freaking cute!! :D

We had to go to the nearest base to get new id's. Mine expired... oh I don't know two years ago, and we just never got around to getting me a new one, since I never used here. In VA I was whipping that thing out at least once a day, to get on base, to go shopping at the Exchange and the commisary, when I took the kids to the dr whatever. I rarely needed my drivers liscence for anything. Even when I wrote a check at Wal-Mart or bought beer, that's what I used, since it was always front and center and accesible and people in VA were just used to seeing them. I tried that here in St. Louis when I first moved here, just becuase that's what I was used to. After getting sick of watching people scratch their heads, and flip the thing around a billion times to find the info, or like once, someone telling me it wasnt a real id, I just tucked it away, and never looked at it again.

It was kind of nice being on a base again. The last time I was on this particular base, was when Jonny was three months old, and Tony was getting the old snippety snip. There is something comforting about being on a base when you're in the military, as they all pretty much look the same. It'slike no matter where you go "home" is always there, and I think they make them look alike for that reason. Or the cheap material. One of the two.

We decided to hit the BX while there. Which is the deparment store-esque shop that every base has. In the Navy, it's the Exchange, Air Force (the base we were on) is the BX. It looked JUST like the ones I've been in previously, just smaller.

Sometimes, when life gets you down, you're just stressed to the max, you just need some therapy to keep you from curling up in a ball in the corner, and sucking your thumb while rocking, trying to recreate the womb. That's how I feel this whole freaking weak. Like any little thing would send me into the fetal position at a moments notice. This has all been unbearable and by far the most stressful move to date. I blame the kids. With their needing a good education and safe place to live. It was me and Tony? We'd find the cheapest shack in VA, and be happy. We'd even poop in a hole on the ground if it meant it would save us some money. Anyway, we decided to spend our worries away.

We bought Tony a new laptop. This is his combo birthday and Xmas present. Well, first he was going to take mine, and I was going to get the new one, but I thought of all my pictures, and shit, plus his left click button on this new one sucks, so I said Happy Birthday. We were at first, going to get me a laptop to support my Sims games, but I decided against that a while back, since we'd have to spend up to almost 1500 to get what would work. So, we decided on a cheaper notebook (which is more powerful than mine, go figure). We really needed two, as he likes to be able to do his homework on mine, and well, Im just a WEE bit selfish. Plus it will be good for him when he deploys and stuff.

Then, Tony said "Hey let's buy a new computer monitor for the desktop."

It may seem like splurging to some, but our old monitor was jacked up. It was OLD and huge, and not very bright. Aislinn scratched it up really bad, so whenever we used it, it was hard to see one spot. It looks like she took a rock and buffed the screen with it. We found some off brand ones, and meant to get 19 inch one, but Tony "accidently" grabbed the 22 inch. He "noticed" the mistake after it was rung up. I thought the 19 was pusing it.

He set it up, and OH MY FREAKING GOD, the thing is amazing. He had me play Sims on it to see what it would look like, and it'slike I'm playing a new game! I think the old monitor just didn't have enough guff to support our graphics card. First of all being 22 inches, it's awesome. But, I'm also able to up the graphics on the game and still have fluid movment, something I was never able to have before. I just assumed it was the computer, not the monitor. Don't get me wrong, the game before was great, and I thought that would be as good as it was going to get. Not so. I found out today that the omelets in the game... they have red peppers in them. Woohoo!

So, I feel better today. Probably not so much when I get the credit card bill, but whatever.

This is all so confusing!!

I am sick of looking for housing. I am sick sick sick of it.

We did get news today that the wait for housing is not as long as we were previously told. For the housing we WANT its only 3-6 months. Which means we'donly have to stay in an apartment for a few months. If we want to stay in Norfolk, we could get in right away.

But, I DONT WANT TO STAY IN NORFOLK.

There. I said it.

Ugh ugh ugh I have no idea what to do. I wish I could go with Tony to see these places. I wish I could go and figure out what to do. It's hard to sit here and not KNOW. Everyone has opinions, everyone says do this, or that or the other thing. I read reviews, I check message boards, I hear all this SHIT and I just want to SEE FOR MYSELF damn it.

The move is soon. About six weeks away. Tony has started to slowly get things fixed around here, and I've done some weeding of our junk and decluttering. One thing I have noticed is that I no longer give a shit about the house. Before we hit this six week mark, I would at least feel BAD that the house was a mess, even if I didn't do shit about it, but now, it's like eh I gotta give it a good cleaning when I leave here anyway, at least I can con my mom into helping me. I am the epitome of laziness.

I am all afluster and freaked out because of apartments. At any given time I have like three windows up, cross referencing between a site that gives reviews on apartments, the apartment site or rent.com, and greatschools.net to see where the best place would be to live. It's hard. They all start to bleed together after awhile and they all have wonderful calming names like "Vista at Orgasm Bay" and "Valley of the Milky Breasts" You have to weed through the apartment-ese to figure out the good from the bad.

The thing with Virginia Beach is that there are A LOT of apartments, since purchasing a home requires a blood oath and your first born child. Lots of new ones. None that are ever FUCKING CLEAR about exactly what they are by, and really it's pissing me off. Just once I want to see "Closests to Little Creek Amphib base" or "The apartment is sucky but GREAT schools" or " Really? Look elsewhere" I even emailed a place and recieved a very obvious form email back telling me I would LOVE it there, and please make an appointment for a tour of their pleasing apartments.

The plan is to make a list, and Tony will drive there, look at ALL of them, and then pick one and then come home. Oh and to get drunk with his friend Mitch. But, that has nothing to do with my new home. That's his plan, becuase he's a dude, and not only is he a dude, but a sailor and they love their drink.

I'm sad, but now I've moved onto the feeling of excitement too. I guess deep down, stifled beneath my crotchety ways and fear of change is a bit of an adventurer. My main concerns other than schools are 1. How am I going to watch Heroes and 2. INTERNET. Cuz the bitch loves her some internets. Amen then end.

Tony and I went out this weekend with friends for an adult only camping trip. Knowing that my wonderful children would be less than pleased at this news, I didn't tell them until the day we left where exactly we were going. Actually, less than pleased is being nice about it. They both pouted, stomped, and pulled at their hair in an act of rage and bitterness. But, haha kids, I didn't care. Because mommy was TIRED of you and your neediness. You guys with your "I want food, I want drink, I want my blanket, I want my butt wiped, but only counterclockwise, and DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT DAMN YOU." It's a never ending fucking list of demands more ridiculous than the last. I knew it was time to jet when you guys started requesting your sandwhiches carved into the liking of van Goghs Starry night.

So, we dropped the kids off, and left without so much of a backwards glance to do all the fun things adults do uninterrupted when kids aren't around. Like drink, and swear freely, and listen to songs by Ludcris, where the word fuck isn't bleeped out or edited. Oh and Pictionary, lots and lots of Pictionary. Oh and WHAT?!? I can have sex IN THE TENT! Woohoo. I mean, it wasn't easy, or comfortable on a cheap blow up mattress, but you know you just HAVE to do it, just to say you at one time did. Crazy stuff!

I knew I was pushing the parenting karma when we went horseback riding. I knew that I wouldn't be able to NOT tell Aislinn we went, but I knew when I did, she would be mad, and instead of feeling bad about this... I felt glee. Pure glee! Like I just couldn't fucking WAIT man. Just like how my parents used to say they were going to go for a walk, and would be gone for like three hours, eating a nice calm dinner at Applebees while we waited around for them to come home. They'd walk in, and it was like they couldn't help themselves, they would trip over each other to see who would be able to tell us first that they had the quesidillas and a bourbon steak. They loved it. It's pretty much a not very talked about perk to being a parent, the gloating of WE DID STUFF WITH OUT YOU! SUCK IT KIDS!

We got home, and picked the kids up. Tony and I were already feeling post weekend camping let down. Aislinn was already pissed about being hungry, and wanting food, but not just any food, food made by someone OTHER THAN ME. Food that has never seen the inside of our house EVER.

We got them some pizza (and we heard bitching about THAT too), and herded them into the bath. I washed Jonny hair, and noticed he had something funky in his hair, which I could only assume even now, was wet cardboard. I didn't SEE any cardboard in the tub, probably becuase it was, well all in his hair. Thank God for that cardboard though.

I put him on the tub, to check out his hair, to make sure I got all the cardboard out. What I find was honestly completely unexpected, that I just couldn't believe it. Jonny was COVERED in lice. (Now everyone is scratching their heads). I mean, I thought Aislinn's lice the last time was bad, this... this took the fucking cake man. I don'tknow if it's because his hair is lighter or WHAT, but man the kids had freshly unhatched eggs RIDDLED through his hair. I mean, anywhere I would part there was a few eggs. The funny thing is, since Aislinn had the lice episode a few months back... I've been super anal about checking them, and I checked him not to long ago, but something happened and he was infested. When I saw the first bug, I yelled for Tony.

So, last night was spent picking nits out of Jonny's head. It was karma giving it back to me. If I didn't want to spend time with my kids, karma was going to MAKE me do, but in the most disgusting way possible.

Jonny was actually really sweet about it though. It hurt, of course, and really the only way to get nits out is to hand pick them off. The combs will get a good number of them out, but not nearly enough. For two hours, he sat with his head in my lap, eventually falling asleep while I picked every last thing I could find out of his head. This was no easy task, as there were a LOT of things in his head. Crawling and attatched. Even though we used the lice shampoo a lot of the lice were still alive, which doesn't give the shampoo a good review. He would cry out in his sleep if I couldn't get something off gently. :( Aislinn amazingly, only had ONE louse, and ONE egg by that louse. I've checked her obsessively and nothing, that was it.

Karma is a bitch.

I believe dreams can tell us things, give us insight to what is really going down in our lives. Not all the time mind you. Like I know some of my dream last night was greatly influenced by a book I just currently read. All the people in my dreat at one point was inflicted by some mysterious disease that made them crazy and want to hurt me. That just goes back to the Stephen King novel I finished Lisey's Story. Which is about a mysterious ailment that plagues a small family. The only way to release the bad gunky is to cut themselves. If they don't then they could eventually turn crazy, which is what happens to two of them. The one survivor goes on to become a famous writer who is retelling his story through his wife, after he is dead.

But, also last night I had a dream where I was constantly LATE for the airport. I don't know where I was supposed to go, or what I was supposed to do, but no matter how many times I tried to get there, I could never GET there, and if I by chance GOT there, something held me up so I couldn't go. This really has NOTHING to do with anything I read, wrote, saw, or watched on television, which of course has me questioning it this morning. Usually, if I dream I wake up and think "Oh well that was on TV last night" and move on. That's probably 90% of my dreams.

So I decided to look up being late on http://www.dreammoods.com/ and this is what it said. Honestly, how freaky is THIS considering my impending move and all.


Late

To dream that you are late, denotes your fear of change and your ambivalence about seizing an opportunity. You may feel unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances. Additionally, you may be overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about your future. You feel time is running out and that you do not have time to accomplish all the things you want.


Some could say Well DUH, and of course I can say that too, but, I don't know. I guess yeah, I kind of knew this, but to have it manifest itself in a dream, makes me realize it is mor of an issue than I realized.

It's around this time I really start to hate the NAvy in a big way. Well, not so much the Navy as my darling husbands infatuation with it. I just want to tell him he's a big boy, and on Top Gun, and Crimson Tide, they don't show you the things like... not paying you when you need to be paid, and all that.

Tony was screwed out of a eight thousand dollar bonus. One of the many annoying things about working for a "company" with like a million employees. People just stop fucking caring at a certain point. He was supposed to re-enlist in November, but they informed him that he wouldn't be getting a bonus. Um ok. So, they asked if he minded reenlisting in September. Sure, what the hey. Why not. And this is where the problem starts.

Tony WAS due for a bonus, but is not eligible because he re enlisted about a month before he shoudl have. Just trying to help his command out. They said after October it was going to really tough to get everyone together and get his reenlistmen done. Tony, being the nice guy he is, said Sure no problem. Essentially dicking himself out of 8 thousand dollars. Sometimes, nice guys? They do finish last.

They are trying to work it out, but he says the chances of him getting the money are slim. At least we werent expecting it, or counting on it. WOuld it have come in handy for our move? Hell yah it would have. But, what are you going to do right? Keep on trucking for the most part.

I'm just stressed. I of course told him that I dont know why he continues to stay loyal to these people who have dicke dhim out of more money than you can even possibly imagine. Why? He wanted to get off the phone then. Maybe even HE doesn't knwo why.

The magnitude of us moving hit me this weekend, and in the middle of a lot of pool playing (of which I did not partake because I suck terribly) wonderful fried foods, beers, and laughter, I felt the overwhelming urge to bawl, bawl like I had to wear socks and tennis shoes, and get my hair brushed.

Saturday, we had a birthday party for the son of some friends of ours. It was just your typical five year old party at INCREDIBLE PIZZA!! It was INCREDIBLE! with PIZZA, where the party was assigned a pizza nazi who gave you two minutes to wolf your food, and open prezzies and scarf cake, so they can usher the next herd in to keep the cash flow aflowin'.

We get there a few minutes late, and that was probably a mistake on our part. When I walked in, I saw people that meant a lot to me, people I may or may not see again before we leave, and people I will miss when we are gone, all seated together in a fun and festive atmosphere, even with the Pizza Nazi there with a fake smile on her face trying to snatch plates of pizza away, and push cake on everyone to hurry the whole process up. I realized in our years here in St. Louis (which really seems like a blink of an eye) that a lot of these people, parents of friends, extended relatives, had become like a family to us. Where every person doesn't get just a simple hello, they get a big hug, and a kiss from me and I get one in return. That I have no qualms kisssing these people, because even though none of blood is the same, they are in spirit and love, related to us.

With having the kids around and games to play, we all get seperated. But, near the end we all met up and decided to ditch our kids and have an adult party. We quickly called my SIL who agreed to take the kids overnight. We dropped them off, and met our friends at a sports bar and grill.

In the middle of it all, just experiencing life, I looked around at my friends, all laughing and having a good time, and wanted to cry. It didn't help when our friend Mike gave every scenario possible for us NOT to leave, which made it worse. A lot worse. Seeing him trying to convince me and Tony so hard to STAY, just STAY already, broke my heart.

Time is a ticking. With that also comes so much to do on our part, I just don't know how much more time we're going to be able to see them. There is truly NOT enough time.

I had a surreal moment today if I may be so cliche as to use the word "surreal" which I'm pretty sure I'm using incorrectly, but what the hey, I ain't got no college lernin', and I dos the best I can. Ayup.

Anyway. Sorry.

Like I said, today I just had one of those moments. One of those MOMENTS. I just can't describe it any other way than to shout it at you like you're a deaf immigrant who doesn't understand the language. Because YELLING it always helps. It was just ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS.

I went to school to pick up Aislinn, and she wasn't in her usual place. She wasn't dizzily spinning around as if there weren't twenty other kids around her, lost in her own world of fantastical spinning. What always amazes me is that if you have a group of kids, and one is spinning like a crazy, the kids can naturally and with instinct, even without looking, know to move out of the way. Nor was she picking up every bit of trash on the sidewalk, and tyring to stuff it in her backpack before I see. I get out of the van, to walk to the part of the sidewalk she can see me from if she is inside. All of a sudden I hear.

"MOM!"

I just kind of stand there.

"MOM!"

I look around... recognizing my girls voice.

"MOM"

Then I see her from far away, she had decided to walk to the corner and I passed her right up.

As I watched her walking toward me, trying not to run (as they are not allowed to do so) but trying to get to the sanctity of the van, I realized...... I'm MOM! Me, I'm that delightful childs MOTHER. I just wanted to shout to everyone "Hey! Me?!? I'm MOM!" I'm THAT GIRLS MOM! ME! ME!

Aislinn and Jonny are teh best things I've done in my life. I couldn't get much luckier.

A bit of a kid update since I really don't talk about them much, or so I've been told. LOL

Aislinn is doing really well in school. She got the best progress report she's ever gotten last week. Her behavior is really good, and she's finally gotten into the whole school experience. She doesn't whine about not like school, or not wanting to go. We are still having clothing, and shoe issues, but I just don't think she'll ever get over those until she gets older. I decided to let her try picking her own outfits, and that was a bust. She went to school one day (after much arguing and fussing about her pants feeling weird) with a purple, black and gray scooter, and a red and white Cardinal shirt. She looked like a ragamuffin. After that, I told her that I know that she is looking more for comfort than looks, but she has to at LEAST try to make them match or cooridnate. I know that sometimes I let her wear stuff that might not necessarily "match" but they go together. I explained to her when she goes to school looking like that, it looks like her mommy and daddy don't care about her. When she dresses like that I just want to pin a note to her that says in big bold letters "I am dressed like this because I wouldn't listen to my mom" Just so everyone knows it's not me, it's her!!

She and I are getting along amazingly though. I want to get this book to help us mend our relationship. I know that may sound weird to some people, that we need to mend a relationship that should be naturally loving and tender, but if or until you have a child like Aisy, you just can't even begin to imagine the world we sometimes live in. Some people just don't get how awful it can be sometimes. You find yourself trying to avoid your OWN child. You think "Phew, she's doing XYZ for now" and just wanting her to just keep DOING it and not come talk to you, because you know that just by talking, one of you can be set off. We had some issues with the Nintendo DS. She broke one, and misplaced another. She is constantly losing the games. Yet we were still letting her play with them. Why? Because she was QUIET and not causing chaos and turmoil in the house. Sometimes you just need a breather.

I see her though, and she is growing up into this amazing person with her own ideas, and it's awesome. I can sit and bemoan the fact that she won't wear the clothes I like, and she doesn't want to do things that are at all "girly" but, I've come to realize that hey, that's kind of cool. I'm not girly either, so I don't know why I wanted her to be so. In the end, she is her own person, even if she is seven. She has likes and dislikes, and she wants to do things that make her her own person. How I can I fight that? Why should I want to CHANGE that? I need to remember these are MY issues not hers.

Jonathan is still my little cuddle bug. My cuddle bug that refuses to poop in the damn potty, but my cuddlebug none the less. He is just so.... BOY. He cracks me up with his antics. I can't stay mad at that little shit, becuase he knows that you get more flies with honey than vinegar, and uses his three yr old cuteness to his full advantage. Just give mommy a smile, tell her she's pretty, and give her a kiss, all is ok. He is such a blessing after having Aislinn, so easy going. If I tell him he can't have something in the store, he might whine for about 2 seconds, then he forgets about it. Very much like his father that one is. Aislinn is very much like ME, so there you go.

He has started telling us he's awesome. Everything is "awesome" to him. "Did you see me do that mom? Wasn't that awesome?" "Did you see that trash truck mommy? Man, it was SO awesome!" "Whoa I just shot a booger out of my nose!! It was awesome" (actual conversation). He also told us the other day he was a genius. We don't know why he thinks that, but he does. At least he doesn't have self esteem issues. He loves to perform for me all the time, he loves to make people laugh. He can't pass a mirror without stopping and doing a little acting to watch himself. Yes, he will be one of those silly boys flexing in the mirror.

Both of them sleep in the same bed. They've decided it's better that way. I just let them. It's just too cute. Even the other night, Aislinn had a friend over, and told her friend she feels better sleeping with Jonny, and went to sleep in there with him. I wouldn't have wasted my money on bunk beds that's for sure.

Tony is doing well. I'll throw him in here as he's my third child. He's excited about moving. He is doing well at work, even though he is counting down the days.

That's my update.