Sunday, December 30, 2007

The same thought running through my head

"Before long, I won't be able to do this with Tony for six whole months"

It doesn't matter WHAT we're doing. Watching a movie, having sex, eating dinner together, cleaning the house, having a laugh, playing with the kids, whatever.

It's getting close that time he leaves, and although I feel very "been there, done that" about it all, and I'm sure my non chalance has made more than one person scratch their heads in confusion, I am very sad. The thing is though, we knew this time would come eventually (although not so damn soon!) and there is nothing to do but to "Suck it up Buttercup" to quote Jonny.

For some reason as well, this deployment doesn't fill me with the dread of six months of being ALONE, becuase now, I'm not alone. I have my TWO kids now, and I'm not working a job that both angers and depresses me, the oldest is in school, which will break up the monotony of the day, and we're in a "new" place that will offer us a lot of exploring while Daddy is gone.

Before, when Tony left, I went back to Saint Louis. The first time was because I was newly pregnant with Aislinn, and I didn't want to have the baby alone. The second time, I probably could have really stuck it out here, but my job was so taxing and tedious, and so full of drama, I took a leave of absence, using the whole "I'm scared to be alone" excuse to get away for a few months. Funny enough, being away showed me how much I truly HATED that job, and how much I loved being home with Aislinn, so I quit! Best choice I have made in a long time.

Ultimately though, I know I'll be ok because I'm ok now mentally. I know that I am strong enough and can handle it. I always cringe when people tell me how brave I am when he's gone, because really, how brave WAS I? I ran home to my parents everytime it got hard. It feels good to finally stand on my own two feet, with both my kiddies by my side, and doing what a REAL military wife does.

1 comment:

ChristieNY said...

Sandi, you ARE a brave woman. I'm so proud of you. Also, my heart aches for you, my birthday is the 4th and every time I think of it, it's bittersweet because I know T is leaving right afterwards. I wish we lived closer.

In any case you know where to find me through your computer... hang in there, plan some exploring and hopefully the time will pass in a blink.