Thursday, January 31, 2008

This deployment has been pretty cool. The phone calls have been pretty regular. That is one thing about being on a small crew I guess, everyone gets to know everyone and it's more relaxed, so Tony can use the SAT phone on a regular basis. He called this morning, but we were still in bed, and missed the call. He called again this afternoon, and we were gone. The message he left then sounded like he was going to cry. He said on the message that he wasn't going to try again today, but he did, so we got to talk. There isn't much to talk about though. He can't give me too much information, and I don't do anything but sit here.

A few days ago he called and gave me some very interesting information. There is a small possibility that he could be coming home on sooner than expected. Much sooner, like in 15 days soon. TWO WEEKS soon. See, his orders say he is part of Crew XXX, who he is with now. Before he left he was told by the Commodore that even though he was part of Crew XXX, he would have to go to Crew YYY who are just starting their six month deployment, after Crew XXX left for home.

But, the CO and chief of crew XXX don't want him to stay, they want him to come back with THEM. So they're working on it.

He tells me all the time not to get my hopes up, but everytime I talk to him, he gives me another reason to get excited. I'm staying cautiously optimistic at this point.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I has a sad

Today is a sad day, a not so great day, a day where it's 2:30 and I'm still in my pajamas day, a sucky day, a migraine day, a day where I slept off and all pretty much until 1 pm day. Jonny, he is a saint. He sat in my room watching tv, and just being a good kid. Like he knew momma needed it, and he never once complained.

Last night, I decided to go to bed early. I have been staying up until 1 or 2 most nights, and I was having a hard time functioning around 7-ish pm. Where all I did was sit and wait for the clock to make its slow ticks toward bedtime, so I coudl go to sleep, only to stay awake. Last night, I was in the bed, tv off, in the dark at 10:53. I gave myself a mental pat on the back, said my prayers, and snuggled into the blankets, and closed my eyes. And laid there, staring into the dark, wide awake, when only moments before, I had been exhausted.

All of a sudden I heard a noise, then I swore I saw a shadow move in the hallway. I immediately jumped up, and checked on the kids, and slowly made my way down the steps, heart pounding, convinced I was going to see a masked burglar there to steal my craptastic stuff. I made it downstairs, and no one. I decided to sit in the dark in the living room, and play a game on my computer. After awhile I swore I heard someone jiggling our front door handle. Again, get up, turn all the lights on, open the door, see no one, lock both the screen door, and then front door. At this point, I make my way upstairs to TRY and sleep. It's now 1 am. Still can't sleep.

I wake up at 6:30 and help Aislinn get off to school. She is trying to convince me that she is ill and can't go. I seriously consider keeping her home, because that meant i could go back to sleep right away. I push through, and get her off to school. I lay back down, and Jonny lays down with me.

That's when teh dreams start. Weird dreams filled with guns, and ghosts and sex, and Tony ignoring me. Tony off with his new work friends, avoiding me at all costs, and no matter what I do or say, he won't come home with me and the kids. I mean hello we can tell what THIS dream is about can't we? But, there are other things too, disturbing things that I just can't commit to writing out of fear of making them real. The dreams were that real.

I am again, tired waiting for bed. I realize I am having an "episode" right now, but I'll get through.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Things I wish I knew how to do....
1. Sew
2. Photoshop

Things I wish I liked...
1. vegetables
2. Housework

Things I wish I didn't like
1. Coffee
2. Food
3. Sleep
4. stretchy pants

Things I wish I could do right now
1. Sleep
2. eat chicken nachos from Bandanas

Why I'm making this list
1. Boredom

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Cuz I iz so lame!!!1

I made a LOLcat caption
funny pictures
moar funny pictures

U go vote 4 it? kthnxbai!
You know how you read a newspaper story and it freaks you the fuck out?

I just read an article about the Navy sending sailors to supplement the war in Iraq, and they call the deployments IA's, Individual Augmentation. I knew this was happening, has been happening for awhile, Tony even talked about it doing it.

What freaks me out is that it says that 1 in 5 sailors without an IA under their belts make Chief. 1 in 3 who have an IA make chief. Why does this have me worried? Tony just took his Chiefs exam. Although he has a lot of positives going for him, that doesn't mean he'll make it.

All I'm saying is, I can see one of these in our future. Sigh. They are on average 9 months, sometimes 12 or 13. I just know Tony will do whatever it takes to make chief. It's an annoying quality of his.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Going well so far

It hasn't been bad at all. Twice so far I've had kids in bed with me. One night, just Jonny, but last night it was both, and I didn't get much sleep. I told them one at a time from now on. Aislinn seems to think I need to have someone in bed with me every night. No thanks. I like being in bed by myself sometimes. I had like a sliver of bed, which was not enough room for me and my hose. I have to keep my cpap hose under the covers with me so that it stays warm and doesn't make condensation that then splutters on my face, and makes a horrible noise that makes me have to get up, wipe out the mask, detatch it from the hose and shake the water out of the hose. At four in the morning. Never fun.

Tony called us yesterday morning. It was nice of him, but kind of awkward since he'd only been gone like two days, and there really wasn't much to talk about. He was lonely though. Right now he is actually on the boat he is assigned to, and they allowed him to send an email to let me know. This boat is so small that they can't really access email or the internet for personal use. He says everyone seems very nice. I am happy for him.

He told me that the villa he is in has a pool. I was thinking GREEEAT he's going to be drinking it up and partying when they are not out in the boat. But, come to find out, they have booze rationing!! He has to get a card and is only allowed so much booze a month. Teehee!

Both kids are doing great. Aislinn has been a little pissy because it's been too cold to play outside. She had her first art class, and really, really liked it. What I like about it is they won't let the kids bring any of the stuff home with them, they make a little portfolio for them. That's so cute! She did paint a special picture for Tony, of the ocean with the sun on the horizon, and it's so simple, but I absolutely love it. I even asked her if we could frame it, and put it up in our dining room that has other sea pictures in it. But, she wants to send it to her dad, which I can understand.

Jonny is doing great with potty training. No accidents! He is doing so well! I can't believe he's four already.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Day Dos, if your name is Dora or perhaps Diego

We got our first email this morning. Tony seems very bummed in the email. He must have told me he loved me about fifty times. It was like "After I write this, I think I'm going to take a nap. I love you. Then, I'll get up, and take a poop. I love you. Hopefully I can meet up with blah blah blah I love you" I tease, but it was really very sweet, and I can just hear the sadness in his email. He said he doesn't remember the deployment being this difficult. I think it's difficult because it's SO different from his previous ones. In his other deployments, he left with a ship crawling with people, he was there with his friends, and he could immediatetly throw himself into his work right away, and I'm sure there was an air of excitement on the ship. This time though, he flew for a long time alone, when he gets there, his crew is out and he won't meet up with them for a few days. It's got to be hard. :( I know that me and the kids are definitely the lucky ones in this scenario.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Surprise, surprise, I can't sleep

It's now two am, and even though I need to get up in about five hours, I can't sleep. I've been watching tv, and the same thought is just running through my head "FIVE months, FIVE" that's a lot of months. That's twenty weeks. Not twenty five weeks like Tony so smugly told me last night, because you know, and I quote "five times five is twenty five" said in that annoying "It's ok if you're dumb, at least you know how to cook" voice.

I have heartburn right now too. Probably from all the grease and shit I ate for dinner. I had a hamburger and fries, and for an app we got cheese fries, which were good. Also, I think I'm hungry too which isn't helping the heart burn. Also, being upset, and weepy adds to it as well.


Seriously. It's just stretching out before me in a big black hole of soul sucking monontony. What the hell. What am I going to do? No adults to talk to, no one to argue with, no one to spoon, no one to make stop spooning me, no one to poke me in the ass in the middle of the night, no one to leave all their stuff laying around, no one to get me stuff just because I'm lazy, no one to floof me, no one to watch laugh at funny cat videos, no one to have sex with, no one to listen to my excuses about not having sex. It's funny, just yesterday I couldn't help thinking "Seriously, can't he just go?" becuase I was tired of being in this whole limbo situation. He wasn't working much, and he was always there. Just this evening he was aggravating me with the whole not getting cash thing (read entry below this) and now, now I'd give anything to have to deal with that all over,and it's only been, five and half hours!

I'm a mess people. A complete mess.

Expect many many entries from me.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

It is done

So dramatic right? It is done. Like I just put a hit out on Dr. Phil or something.

What I mean is, Tony has left. I just got a text from him saying they were boarding. God, I can't believe he won't be with us for so long.

We got off in the typical Tony fashion. We of course got lost getting to the base airport, and once we got there, he realized he didn't have any cash, so we had to go off base to get him some money. Dork. But, it was just so right.

The kids didn't cry. I don't think they really grasp the whole thing. I cried like a baby. Every time he walked away, I would cry harder, and he'd have to come back to me. Finally, I just had to let go and close the door and drive away.

When we got home, we did homework (thankfully it's a light week!) and we're all now tucked away into our beds.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

So, we got the word. Tony will be leaving on Saturday afternoon for five months. I can't say where, or anything like that, because of the whole "Loose lips sink ships" thing. But, suffice it to say, it's not anywhere exciting or glamorous.

It's weird, because I feel very Eh about the whole thing. I don't know if it's because it's a been there done that kind of thing, or if I'm just resigned to the whole thing, or if I secretly hate my husband.

Because, and this is the sad thing, and something I am loathe to admit, and would never, ever tell him in a million years, but... I'm kind of looking forward to it. Not in the euphoric "WHOOPEE he's leaving PAAARTAY!!" kind of way, but I like to think of in a "Looking at the silver lining" kind of way.

Tere are little things like... having the bed to myself, no worrying about what movies I'd want to rent versus what I know he'd prefer to watch, being alone after the kids go to bed, saving money on food, the extra income him going out to sea will give us.

I think ultimately though, the reason why it doesn't bother me as much as it should, is that I have seen the dark side of my husband, and I didn't like it at all. For FIVE years, he did a job he hated with all his soul, while excelling at it. He knew by doing this job, he was setting himself up for the future in both the Navy, and beyond. Yet, that wasn't enough to stop the ugly coming out of him. He was angrier, meaner, more tense, more hurtful to all of us. He drank more, ignored the kids, ignored me, and I think we all remember the porn incident, that ended up not being an addiction but his way of escaping the stresses of work. He'd look, get off without having to do much of anything, and then feel better for the short term. He was more willing to shuttle the kids off to anyone that would take them so he could hang out with friends and drink.

In a way, him leaving means I get him BACK. If five months away means overall happiness for him, and in return us, then that's ok by me.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Brief break from my on going slumber

Holy crap, I've been sleeping A LOT. Right now I could go to BACK to bed. Yes I said BACK. I found a book I could have sworn I read before. While reading it today some of it was familiar, kind of like when you get a hint of a flavor and it's just RIGHT there on indentifying it, but it slips away, and it's like that for every bite, and every bite is focused on "Is that cinnamon?", and next thing you know, you've eaten the whole thing, not really even enjoying it because you're trying to decide if it's cinnamon. I can see either me putting the book down, and not finishing or being so aggravated with the writing of the book, that I just very quickly forgotten it. The writing is SO pretentious and very New Yorker. I flip to the back, and there you have it, the guy is a regular for the aforementioned magazine. You can tell. It's just full of rambling with big words.

Anyway, that whole thing was to just say I got bored and fell asleep. And slept for hours. Got up at 8:35 ate a PB and J.

That is my boring life.

Edited to add... Oh my God, I can't believe I forgot about this!! Jonny pooped in the potty twice today!! Yesterday I just got so aggravated with him pooping in a pull up. It was a particularly nasty one, and I was just like "That's it, no more" So all day I left him naked. Then later putting undies on him. He did well, everytime he felt like he had to go he sat on the toilet, but wouldn't go. Then this morning, Aislinn woke us up and said Jonny pooped on the potty! We went to the bathroom and there was a little bit. While I was cleaning him up, he looked up at me and said "I am so proud of myself, Mommy" and then blushed bright red then smacked himself which he does when he is embarrassed. I almost cried. Then a few minutes later he went again, and HO my God, it was the biggest poop I've ever seen from him in the last year. All that poop he's been holding in, he let out. His stomach was FLAT when he left the bathroom. He said "Mommy it just BLASTED OFF"

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Happy 100!!

This is my 100th post on THIS blog. What this is like my, seventh one? Still not famous and or making money from it. That's it, I quit. Go get your free entertainment elsewhere, the two of you that read.

Ok, ok, I'm just kidding. I never thought I was going to make money and or get famous anyway. Well, maybe a little tiny bit thought I would. I just haven't been feeling very writey, and I blame the anti depressants. Remember those times I would write a new entry like every hour? I mean, I was maniacal. Talk about depression at it's finest!! Just long rambling rants of just nonsense. But hoo boy... they were pretty funny weren't they. Good times, good times.

Today, Jonny is naked. Jumping on the couch that I tell him at least six times a day not to jump on, but does he listen.... no. Because he's three, and his role in life is to piss me off, and then right when I'm about to lose it, do something really cute, like sticking his butt out and saying "Look at my booty crack!" or talking about his imaginary brother TJ, or telling Dora that he wants to be a big kid when he grows up.

He's naked because I'm trying to try the whole poop in the potty thing, because honestly I am SICK of wiping his ass. I don't know how this will work out, he seems to be popping easier these days, and honestly, I'm freaked because he informed me he wasn't pooping on the potty until he turned FIVE. The thought of doing this for another year sent me in full panic mode.

There, once again I am talking about Jonny and his toilet habits. Sigh. This is what happens when you move 900 miles away from your family and friends, and are so broke that are recycling toilet paper. Well, not REALLY but you know what I mean. What I'm trying to say is that my LIFE is boring people! It's BORING. THERE! My secret is out! What are you expecting over here? Dooce?

Speaking of Dooce, what the hell? When did she get all pretentious,boring and show offy? Not only does she hardly post anything funny anymore, but now we have to look at pictures of her nifty things that she bought with money she earned FROM BEING BORING. And we get it, Chuck he can balance things on his head.

Hey there is a thought!! An everday pic of Jonny balancing things on his head!

Saturday, January 5, 2008

You know, I have the bestest friends, and I've met them through the internet. Today, I recieved what appeared to be a spam email, but upon further inspection realized it was a gift of three months of Netflix rentals from my good friends. To give me something to do while Tony is away.

This little gift really touched my heart. This isn't the first time these friends have come through for me. When our electricity was out, and I was boohooing about how I was going to have to go out and replace all the groceries I just bought, they sent me $100. I know if I needed any one of these girls for ANYTHING, they would be there for me.

Shell, Coops, Christina, Teri, Jenn.... you guys are truly my bestest friends. There is nothing I look forward to more than talking with any or all of you. I love you all very deeply, as if we sat around and sipped coffee all day. My only sadness is that we live so far apart. You all have given me more support, insight, love and compassion than a lot of people in my life, and I am thankful everyday to have you all in my life.

Kisses to you all, and give Coops kisses since I know she doesn';t read this. LOL

Thursday, January 3, 2008


I have been BORED the last few days. I haven't felt BORED in a long time. I'm sick of doing all the things I usually do to entertain msyelf. I also can't say anything since I usually tell Aislinn that an intelligient person is NEVER bored, because they can always find something to do. My own words come back to haunt me.

I have an ear ache today. It started right as I was going to bed last night, and I just thought it a fluke, but I woke up to it today. I don't know if I want to go to the Dr. today or wait it out. Oh yeah, today I finally got a Dr. I mean it only took a hundred phone calls, and over a month trying to figure it out. Sheesh.

Wow, my boredom is spilling over int my blog. Run. Run. Run from the boredom. See that's how bored I am, I can't even throw an exclamation point in there.

Jonny is obviously an itellegient person, as he is entertaining himself quite nicely. He's stuffing his backpack with more and more things, and letting the weight of it pull him down. Wait? Intellegient? Well, yeah sure, just a man.

Last night I was filled with panic, as I realized that my son is going to be FOUR in 18 days and he still doesn't poop in the damn potty. Hell he doesn't poop period. I keep telling myself the same thing over and over, He won't graduate with diapers on blah blah blah, but yet I can't help but think that maybe MY child WILL graduate with diapers on, and maybe his wife will have to wipe his poopy ass on their honeymoon. I imagine him, some CEO of some company, having to excuse himself during a share holders meeting to go stand in a corner and cross his legs, sweaty, grimace on his face, to keep himself from pooping.

I've been trying mineral oil to get things a moving. Things aren't a moving. I found the Dr. Green article that pointed me in that direction, and found that more than the normal dose is usually needed. What the hell? I am having a hard time finding enough things to hide the mineral oil in. Maybe I'll just have to make him a chocolate and mineral oil smoothie? Sigh. Maybe I could concoct some type of mineral oil/metamucil smoothie. Come to think of it, I don't think mineral oil in itself is a laxative, just really a stool softener?

Sorry this conversation went downhill fast.