Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I has a sad

Today is a sad day, a not so great day, a day where it's 2:30 and I'm still in my pajamas day, a sucky day, a migraine day, a day where I slept off and all pretty much until 1 pm day. Jonny, he is a saint. He sat in my room watching tv, and just being a good kid. Like he knew momma needed it, and he never once complained.

Last night, I decided to go to bed early. I have been staying up until 1 or 2 most nights, and I was having a hard time functioning around 7-ish pm. Where all I did was sit and wait for the clock to make its slow ticks toward bedtime, so I coudl go to sleep, only to stay awake. Last night, I was in the bed, tv off, in the dark at 10:53. I gave myself a mental pat on the back, said my prayers, and snuggled into the blankets, and closed my eyes. And laid there, staring into the dark, wide awake, when only moments before, I had been exhausted.

All of a sudden I heard a noise, then I swore I saw a shadow move in the hallway. I immediately jumped up, and checked on the kids, and slowly made my way down the steps, heart pounding, convinced I was going to see a masked burglar there to steal my craptastic stuff. I made it downstairs, and no one. I decided to sit in the dark in the living room, and play a game on my computer. After awhile I swore I heard someone jiggling our front door handle. Again, get up, turn all the lights on, open the door, see no one, lock both the screen door, and then front door. At this point, I make my way upstairs to TRY and sleep. It's now 1 am. Still can't sleep.

I wake up at 6:30 and help Aislinn get off to school. She is trying to convince me that she is ill and can't go. I seriously consider keeping her home, because that meant i could go back to sleep right away. I push through, and get her off to school. I lay back down, and Jonny lays down with me.

That's when teh dreams start. Weird dreams filled with guns, and ghosts and sex, and Tony ignoring me. Tony off with his new work friends, avoiding me at all costs, and no matter what I do or say, he won't come home with me and the kids. I mean hello we can tell what THIS dream is about can't we? But, there are other things too, disturbing things that I just can't commit to writing out of fear of making them real. The dreams were that real.

I am again, tired waiting for bed. I realize I am having an "episode" right now, but I'll get through.

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