Things to get done post haste.....

1. Figure out how to program my thermostat. It's one of those new fangled digital ones, and we've spent most of our time here freezing our asses off. Oh sure, it's fifty degrees outside, but the wind makes it feel like -100. The previous renters set it up to only kick on at 6 am and 6 pm, then locked the fucker. Thanks to the wonder of the internets, I was able to download the book for the thermostat, and at the very least unlock it so I can move the temp gage up and down willy nilly at whim. I'm trying not to let the power go to my head.

2. Find Thomas the Tank Engine DVD so my son will stop singing the damn theme song. It's now stuck in my head and I can't get it out. What is it about Thomas and his creepy faced friends that causes such euphoria in the under 10 set?

3. Work on Christmas cards. They've been sitting there for days now, and whenever I walk past them, I avoid eye contact like they were a bad one night stand, one in which involved bodily fluids that usually aren't associated with coitus*. Use your imagination on that one folks.

4. Pull money out of my ass to buy Christmas presents. This is the only logical explanation as to where it will come from, because the bank isn't giving away free money. No matter how many times I suggest they do so.

5. Figure out what I can do about my whole ripping myself a new asshole evertime I go to the bathroom thing. Every two days it feels like I'm giving birth... out of my butt. Or as Jonny has dubbed it... my poop deck.

6. Figure out how to make coffee count as water consumption. I wonder in what box my "Little Missus Chemistry Set" is being stored in.

7. Set up Christmas ornaments to give my son a little merry jolt everytime he touches one. Bright shiny objects! Must touch! He will make a good man some day.

8. Make up dumb boring list post and force people to read.


*To make sure I was using the word coitus correctly, I looked it up on the Merriam-Webster dictionary online, and found this pat little definition..
physical union of male and female genitalia accompanied by rhythmic movements They make sex sound so... cute! Like come on everbody let's do the coitus!