Three months really?

That long eh?

I often think I should write in this thing especially when I'm feeling down, but damn if that was the case I'd be on this fucker all day.

So life. Yeah. Well, I guess the big thing would be that Aislinn has fallen on the Asperger's scale. Everything I read about Asperger's though didn't really fit her. I decided to then google Asperger's and girls, since ADD with girls is much different than ADD with boys and yet most of the info is targeted toward boys. I was right. Asp. in girls is much different and once I read up on it, I can totally see it. Asp. girls are more able to adapt to it. They realize more that they are different and therefore have learned to make the appropriate facial reactions and to show more on their faces, also able to get the subtle nuances of sarcasm.

After reading about it, I realized that Aislinn really doesn't get sarcasm THAT well. Just yesterday she swallowed a mint, and she asked if she'd be ok. I said "Oh yeah, you'll be fine, that is until your stomach explodes." You know.. haha. But, she was like "REALLY?!?" We had to literally break it down and let her know that if it was the case, wouldn't we be more concerned?

I will admit getting this diagnosis has been a comfort. It's not ME. For 9 years, I struggled with "Am I a bad parent?" I think that's pretty common. I told her Girl Scout leaders and they said "Ah you know... we've noticed a few things" One leader says it always looks like she has to pee. That's because she doesn't like her skin to touch between her legs, or the way the pants feel. So, she pushes the material into her crotch and crosses her legs. She does this CONSTANTLY and then wonders why people think she's gross at school. I tried to explain to her that hands in crotch will always freak people out. She just shrugged and said "well it bothers me" ok then.

Tony and I are doing well now. It was a rough patch and it took much longer to get used to having him home from deployment than other times. Before, I was with my family and him coming home was like him saving me from the situation. By staying home I realized.. huh life's a tad bit easier! We went back and forth on issues and finally we were able to get to a point where we could really say what was on our minds. He's gotten it finally. Doing the dishes isn't about doing the dishes for me. It's about showing me you love me enough to do it. You know? He's been more active with the kids, making plans for us on weekends, and helping around the house more.

Also, he's completely and utterly fallen in love with Louie! This makes me happy! I think when he got home, he felt he was competing with Louie for my attention. But, now if I pull Louie up to snuggle me in bed, he doesn't get mad. He pets him too. Louie loves him and gets so excited when he comes home. He has shown tenderness and love toward him lately I've never seen from him toward the dog. I think it took him this long to get over the "small dog" thing. I think after having our friends Golden Retriever here he realized that although doable, a big dog would be too mch work in our town home.

Me, well I am enjoying the few hours a day alone. LOVE IT. Jonny is doing well in Kindy. Above average is the report we got on him.

So, yes we're all doing well!

I got the icky blechs. Pretty much if you were to use my head as a pinata, you'd get snot candy. It would explain wow I felt really run down the last day and a half before it hit me yesterday evening. It was like I felt really tired, then my nostril kind of clogged, then I got a small runny nose, and then ka-blooie. Head full of snot. Now my throat hurts and my ear hurts. But, not in a strep kind of way, just in a sinus-y kind of way.

Everyone yaks on about netti pots, so I may try that. My sister says I can do the same thing with a wascloth. I have no problems using lab created pharmaceuticals to cure my shit. I took two dayquil earlier. Yet, I have found that a lot of natural remedies really do work and now I will try those first. Now I wonder if garlic on the bottom of the feet really will cure a fever.

Tony and I are in a rough spot. It's gone on for quite a long time. It's not everyday, and sometimes I can remember that he really is a good man. I've come to the conclusion last night that we're at the point where and I need to get over myself and stop being a bitch. I'll never tell him that, but it really is to that point. No matter how much I bitch, or complain, or keep to myself it's not going to solve anything and all it's going to do is make it worse. Then of course, he didn't do the dishes and I got all pissy again.

Is summer over yet? I am so tired of faking enthusiasm and the constant feeding of childred. I swear every ten minutes Aislinn is showing me something on her Pokemon game. Look! My blah blah is evolving !Look I caught a blah blah! Look how small a blah blah is compared to a person! (yes they do show a size comparison for fake pocket monsters). I try to be patient about it, and throw out the fake mommy "WOW!" and "AWESOME!" But, I found this only encourages her, so then I go to "Neat." notice lack of exclamation. Then it's just "MMhmmm" then I usually end it with "Seriously Aislinn! I don't want to hear about POKEMON all damn day" Then I calm down and vow to do better the next day and the whole process starts all over again. She seems to need a constant stream of electronic entertainment, but really it's August, it's hot, and school is about to start. I'm both not too worried and too tired to really give a shit. She'd be outside if one could go out there without melting.

As far as feeding children goes, this is just a fucking thorn in my side. Trust me, I don't want my kids to starve. Yet, whatever I suggest immediately gets poo pooed so I just stopped suggesting. Then of course, when I start fixing myself something to eat, then it's all "ooh what are you having? Eggs?" Even if I ask them before I make something to eat. "Do you want eggs? Do you want toast?" They almost always say no. Then, as I'm cooking MY food, they all of a sudden want something, usually completely different. If I making scrambled eggs, they want omelets. If I am having leftover chicken from last nights dinner, they want ramen noodles. Whatever it is, it usually means I have to WAIT to eat the food that I was in the process of cooking, which pisses me off as I'm pretty hungry at this point. Then, when I make it, they usually don't eat what I make. There have been a few times I've made them wait until I waas finished eating. I know that gives visions of my kids wasting away while I stuff my gullet. Not so. I just don't think jumping up to take care of a child's whim is a good thing.

Don't even get me started on dinner. It's too depressing. At least one will hate what I've made for dinner and will either eat cereal or canned raviolis. I've kind of slacked in the dinner department because it's too frustrating. Last night it was pushing 9 and I hadn't cooked a thing. Tony finally took it upon himself to try and fix them something to eat. Everything he suggested was met with disdain by one or both. He finally ended up playing short order cook, and I just said "Aaaand that's why I didn't cook dinner" It's exhausting!! It sucks having to cook a meal in the heat knowing that someone is going to whine.

I keep saying I'm going to ban all fast food, take out, eating out for a month. I say it, but I never do it. I give in way to much and I honestly think it's because I know it will always be met with a "YEAH!" and then I get to hear about how great a mom I am. It's easier in so many ways, but I always sit there feeling guilty about the crap food my kids are eating.

Today, I am babysitting my friends toddler daughter. We are at their house right now while the kids entertain her. She really digs "hanging out" with the older kids. It's funny because my kids are glued to BabyFirst Tv, while B hardly watches at all. They fussed a bit when I put it on, but it's mesmerizing. Even I get sucked in. There is something about it.

Driving over here this morning I was reminded me how long it's been since I've had to drive in any kind of traffic. On top of that, we were running behind, so I stopped and got us some breakfast from Chick-Fil-A so I'm trying to eat my sandwhich too. I rememeber a time when I could have a smoke in one hand, a sandwhich in another and still flip off the person next to me while I drove to work. Now, I hug the slow lane like it's my blankie, and weep softly as I try tentatively to merge. It doesn't help that the people here in VA are aggresive drivers on top of it all. It's enough to give me the vapors and recline in a cool dark room when I get back home.

The car. Oh man the car is all kinds of fucked up. At this point, Tony is just going to tear the engine apart and see if he can repair it on his own time because finding a used engine (Oh did I mention we needed a NEW FUCKING ENGINE?!?) isn't as easy as going to Auto Zone and picking one up. So, that has a stressed out a little bit. I don't mind driving him too and from. It's not far, but it does suck that he has to be dropped off at 6 am everyday. It's also ok now, but it's not going to work when the kids start school. He found a place online to order an engine that's pretty cheap, but found out to have it shipped would cost more than buying the engine.

So, that's what we're dealing with. You know.. life.

Sucktacular week ended

So, everything seems to be going ok. Ringworm is slowly clearing up on the kids, not so much the cats. I made a vet appointment for the kitten next week, so we'll see. I am doing all I can to clear it up, but it just takes time.

We got out provisional credit fairly early. I love that it's provisional. Like we frauded ourselves from afar.

One cool thing happened. I went to the dentist a few months ago. They gave me an X-ray. The insurance company denied the claim because I had gotten an x-ray 2 years and 10 months earlier. I'm allowed one ever 3 years. I get the bill, and set it aside thinking I'll contact the insurance company to have it taken care of. Well, my ADD got in the way, and it never happened. I get another bill this time threatening to steal and eat my kitten if I don't pay. I say.. fine by me, she's all funus-y anyway. But, her adorable face got me and I went and paid it yesterday. When I got there, the finance lady was not there. So, I paid it with the receptionist, who is the dentist's wife. Explain to her why I have to pay etc. I get a call this morning, and they're crediting my account. Which is freaking sweet. I think brining the kids in with me helped. At least they're good for SOMETHING.

I have been super hungry lately. I hate it. I've been doing low carb quite well the last few week, but the last two mornings at like 4 am I've been getting up and eating massive amounts of cereal because it's that or be sick. Of course its like knock off cookie crisp and fruity pebbles. I don't know what my deal is. Like right now, I could eat. It's not boredom either, not that "meh I could eat something" to have a taste in my mouth. It's all out hunger. I've had water and waited but it's not going away.

Tony had duty today, and that sucks. Tomorrow I have to baby sit for my friend. We'll hang out there because it's close to Tony's work, and we'll pick him up and then go to therapy, where he will meet my therapist and have a talk with him with me. I'm nervous. What if they gang up on me?

Sucktacular week

That title isn's an exaggeration either. It truly was a sucktacular week.

First of all, July was a sucky month for me emotionally. It's like this every July, and it always hits me hard. My mood changes around end of May, beginning of June and it just slowly ramps up until about the beginning of August, and then starts a down hill descent into normal-dom by September. It sucks. It was kind of worse this summer, but it's getting better. Tony's eyes are now safe, I no longer feel the need to claw them out of his face.

Anyway, back to sucktacular week. First of all, the kitten from Hell. She's adorable but has been a pain in the ass since we got her. She's sickly, always full of snot. When we took her to the vet, we were given THREE oral syrups to give her, twice a day. What. The. Hell? Three? That's a lot of fucking work. Granted, we didn't have to pay for it since it was covered under the shelter's account. It pisses me off for a twp reasons. First of all, you're a fucking shelter. Not that you can guarantee me a healthy cat, but in reality, I'm doing you a fucking favor by taking her. I could have gotten a free kitten from Craigslist. Yes, yes I know.. you run on donations, and you are short staffed blah blah blah. Whatever. Go cry on your tax exempion forms.


Second, Lola wasn't the cat we wanted. We wanted another one that was a boy. Don't get me wrong, I think it ended up for the better as she's super affectionate, but here's the kicker.. they wouldn't let us have the boy because they felt HE WAS TOO SICKLY. They said he had some intestinal issues, and felt like our family wouldn't be a good match as he may need more medical attention. What kind of business are they running over there? Jeez. Lola is sickly, the other cat must have like a little kitty oxygen tank we didn't see or something.

On top of being sickly, she got ringworm. I didn't know that's what it was, just assumed she was losing some hair or something. I didn't realize what it was until Aislinn got ring worm. Now, both Aislinn and the kitten have ringworm and both are pissy about putting medicine on. Jonny has poison ivy and Tony has both. I haven't gotten anything so far, although now I'm noticing some weird bumps on my thigh. No matter how much crap I put on Aislinn she wakes up with more on her. It's now on her HANDS, because do yu think she can leave the kitten alone? Last night I looked at Leah our adult cat and guess what's on her chin? All of a sudden she and Lola are best buds, and since Leah is a licker.. well there you go. How do I keep medicine on her CHIN? She just licks it right off. If it doesn't get better for us all soon, the kitten and cat will have to be seperated and sequestered from the rest of the family. It's going to suck.

So, today I have to go on a quest for sulphur soap because of the ringworm. Fun.

To go on with the sucktacular week, I dropped the ball on Jonny's kindy physical you know because of the crazy I get, and got an appointment for August 31st. School starts like Sept.2nd or something. I hate living in a military town and dealing with the bullshit healthcare system they have here. If you get sick, you need like a month warning to get seen.

While I'm stressing out about that, Tony walks in from work. The car broke down on him on the way to work. His friend towed him to a lot, he went to work, and a friend gave him a ride home. He got all his tools and went to fix it. Was it fixable? Of course not. He pays to have it towed home. While he's doing this, I'm googling. Everything is pointing to the timing belt, which is BAD BAD NEWS for a foreign car. When a timing belt goes out on a Kia, the gates of hell open up and swallows your soul and the souls of your family members, condemning you all to an eternity of scorching fire. Ok, well not really, but it does fuck up your engine. Not as bad as the fiery depths of hell, but we now may need either a new engine.. or more than likely a new car. There is still a glimmer of hope because when it died it did so with quiet dignity. Not the catastrophic event that makes all your pistons and doohickies in the engine to smash together like a bunch of people in a mosh pit. We may be able to just to change the belt and be ok. Tony and his friends will work on in next week. Which means I've been having to pick him up and drop him off. Waking up at 6:30 when you've gone to bed at 2 sucks.

So pretty suck week huh? BUT WAIT.. THER'S MORE.

On Friday, which was payday I went online to start paying bills. Went to our bank site, logged into our account and someone had stolen $419 out of our checking account. So, I call customer service, and get told that this has been a problem all week. That someone got a hold of visa check card numbers and made fake cards and used them at various 7-elevens and RaceTrack gas stations in Florida. Right before she put me on hold she kind of is talking to herself and says "are you a part of e-statements? Yep, you are." and then she sighs heavily. She also said this in a knowing kind of like the e-statements were the problem kind of thing. What's hilarious is that they had a big push for their e-statements. You couldn't get to your account without a pic of a guy wearing pantyhose on his face with the words "Don't let this guy steal your identity or money! Enroll for E-statements today!" So, I did, and it ended up being the cause of oour problem.

She comes back on the line, tells me all I have to do, and then says we will get "provisional credit" in 2-157 days. So, even though it wasn't OUR fault, even though we fit the profile of rampant fraud being committed, even though Tony had the card in his possession and never uses it online.. EVEN THOUGH WE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.. we'll get our money when the 2nd coming of Jesus happens, or whenever they feel like giving it us. Because.. you know I don't need $419 to pay my bills or get food or anything.

We've just been hanging around the house this weekend because we're afraid a meteor is going to fall out of the sky and crush one of us. Oh damn. I just cursed myself.

When I went to my therapy appointment, I was talking about how I felt stressed about having to constantly find ways to entertain the children. Not that we're doing anything fun, I have to save money for our trip back home in December (A whole 'nother thing bugging me.) and money is limited. But, I think about it a lot, and I do what I can when we can. The therapist asked me what my husband did with the kids, and I just stared at him like he had sprouted a horn and a third nipple right before my eyes. Husband? Kids? Together? Doing... things? Things that don't involve me? After what he was asking sunk in, I collapsed in a fit of giggles right there on his couch. Funny man! Dads doing things with kids. Hilarious!

After my giggle fit, he assured me tha yes, he was quite serious. That when his kids were youger they were HIS on the weekend. He said it was never a question, and he took them out and did things with them every weekend because he was always working. I just stared with wide eyed wonderment at this wonderful thing he was speaking of.

I told my therapist that I was feeling Tony should be more involved, but haven't said anything. This is how an argument goes with Tony.

"Tony, I'm not trying to upset you, but I really think you should clean up the yard"

"Oh my GOD, you think I'm a fucking horrible husband and father and I don't evne know why you stay with me, if everything I do is wrong."

So, yeah you see why I've stopped telling him things. I've gone to being super bitch do as I say and DO IT NOW kind of person, to a really, it's never going to change why bother kind of person, and it really bugs me. When I was a bitch, I got my way but it's exhausting. So, my thinking was.. if I lay off he'll naturally do the things he needs to do, and that blew up in my face because his natural instinct is to be totally selfish and lazy. You know, he continued BEING A MAN, but a man without constant nagging to steer him proper.

So, anyway, I asked the therapist "Well, what about him working all week?" Because, I come a family where the man does what he wants, when he wants, because DAMN IT he worked all week and deserves it. My therapist just shrugged and said "yeah it sucks for the dad, but you know they're not kids forever. Now I have all the time in the world to do what I want."

Trying to fight the urge to make out with my therapist, I left with some things to think about.

Long story short, I had a talk with Tony about it. I feel that especially in our situation, he really needs to make an effort. Since he's come home from deployment, (you know that time he was gone for FIVE MONTHS! That time, where he got to live like a college student for almost HALF A YEAR. You know that time where I was stuck here holding down the fort while he played with guns and got drunk for A HUNDRED A FIFTY DAYS?) he's taken the kids out to do something.. ready for this? TWICE.

Yeah.

He took it well, because I made him work for my talk. When he came home, he could tell I was upset, and I said "Why even tell you, you'll just make it all about how you're a victim" totally passive aggressive but it worked. After about two hours of my pouting and denying him, he was practically BEGGING me to bitch him out. I shall remember this. Of course, he wanted to tell me about the one time recently when he dropped off Aislinn at Girl Scout stuff at the park, and he took Jonny along with him to pick her up. I think I stared at HIM like he sprouted a horn and a third nipple. Wow, congrats.

He said he knew he was slacking, and that he'll try to do better. I'll try to believe it this time and not roll my eyes.