When I went to my therapy appointment, I was talking about how I felt stressed about having to constantly find ways to entertain the children. Not that we're doing anything fun, I have to save money for our trip back home in December (A whole 'nother thing bugging me.) and money is limited. But, I think about it a lot, and I do what I can when we can. The therapist asked me what my husband did with the kids, and I just stared at him like he had sprouted a horn and a third nipple right before my eyes. Husband? Kids? Together? Doing... things? Things that don't involve me? After what he was asking sunk in, I collapsed in a fit of giggles right there on his couch. Funny man! Dads doing things with kids. Hilarious!

After my giggle fit, he assured me tha yes, he was quite serious. That when his kids were youger they were HIS on the weekend. He said it was never a question, and he took them out and did things with them every weekend because he was always working. I just stared with wide eyed wonderment at this wonderful thing he was speaking of.

I told my therapist that I was feeling Tony should be more involved, but haven't said anything. This is how an argument goes with Tony.

"Tony, I'm not trying to upset you, but I really think you should clean up the yard"

"Oh my GOD, you think I'm a fucking horrible husband and father and I don't evne know why you stay with me, if everything I do is wrong."

So, yeah you see why I've stopped telling him things. I've gone to being super bitch do as I say and DO IT NOW kind of person, to a really, it's never going to change why bother kind of person, and it really bugs me. When I was a bitch, I got my way but it's exhausting. So, my thinking was.. if I lay off he'll naturally do the things he needs to do, and that blew up in my face because his natural instinct is to be totally selfish and lazy. You know, he continued BEING A MAN, but a man without constant nagging to steer him proper.

So, anyway, I asked the therapist "Well, what about him working all week?" Because, I come a family where the man does what he wants, when he wants, because DAMN IT he worked all week and deserves it. My therapist just shrugged and said "yeah it sucks for the dad, but you know they're not kids forever. Now I have all the time in the world to do what I want."

Trying to fight the urge to make out with my therapist, I left with some things to think about.

Long story short, I had a talk with Tony about it. I feel that especially in our situation, he really needs to make an effort. Since he's come home from deployment, (you know that time he was gone for FIVE MONTHS! That time, where he got to live like a college student for almost HALF A YEAR. You know that time where I was stuck here holding down the fort while he played with guns and got drunk for A HUNDRED A FIFTY DAYS?) he's taken the kids out to do something.. ready for this? TWICE.

Yeah.

He took it well, because I made him work for my talk. When he came home, he could tell I was upset, and I said "Why even tell you, you'll just make it all about how you're a victim" totally passive aggressive but it worked. After about two hours of my pouting and denying him, he was practically BEGGING me to bitch him out. I shall remember this. Of course, he wanted to tell me about the one time recently when he dropped off Aislinn at Girl Scout stuff at the park, and he took Jonny along with him to pick her up. I think I stared at HIM like he sprouted a horn and a third nipple. Wow, congrats.

He said he knew he was slacking, and that he'll try to do better. I'll try to believe it this time and not roll my eyes.

Life has been pretty quiet around. It's summer and the kids are in a never ending mix of fun and boredom. This year, the two kids down the street are allowed to come out and play all day, so that's what they have been doing. Also, we bought them one of those huge pools with a ladder and everything. I am surprised and also a little miffed at how little it gets used. I guess for a kid, it's more fun to hang out with friends in the heat than to play with your sib in the pool. Especially when mean ole mom doesn't let the kids down the street in the pool. Isn't that horrible? I feel guilty and I know I will have to relent eventually, but the thought of four wet and whiny kids in and out of my backyard/pool is enough to give me the vapors. Plus, they've had their pool up for WEEKS and my kids haven't been asked to join them in it. I'm not playing tit for tat, I'm just saying.. I'm not the only mom that doesn't like the idea, thank God.

We've spent some time at the beach, but mainly most out time at home. The kids have been surprisingly ok with that. They watch tv, play with the pets. Even without the Wii (which is on the fritz and sitting in a box waiting to be shipped back for repairs) they've been pretty mellow.
They're older now, and damn if it's not amazing and awesome and super fucking cool.

Jonny was 3 months old when Tony got his vasectomy. Everyone hinted that we would regret that decision. That once Jonny got out of his baby days, we'd want another one. Sure, there are times when I see a baby and my ovaries let loose a plethora of eggs, but it's always short lived. We ARE complete and I know it,and I love it, and I don't want it to change. We got started in the baby making department first out of our group of friends, and while they're doing diaper duty and breastfeeding, their lives on hold for the next few years, we're taking our kids to see Transformers 2 and they were able to sit and enjoy a 2 and a half hour movie without a fuss. No one was scared, or wanted to go home, or cried. When we left we were able to discuss the movie and who we liked and what we didn't like. I was very worried about taking them to see it. It is rated pg-13. But, halfway through the movie I turned to Tony and said "Oh my God, it's AWESOME to have older kids!"

Aislinn is just getting so big. She is growing like a weed. I know when we go to St. Louis next time, people are going to freak out. She's looks so grown up. She's starting to get into my girly things, although her natural stubborn streak makes her fight the urge. But, she is sporting painted nails and toes, although she wants DARK colors. I'm ok with that. She let me put a french braid in her hair. and when she saw it, was very excited and just loved the way it looked.

Jonny is getting big too, but he's still five and the baby and acts like it. He's still my snuggle bug.

Life has been good. My summer depression has showed up, but my family understands (finally!) and gives me a wide berth and a pass when it comes to certain things, and because they've beeen so understanding, I've feel better and willing to do more around here. Tony has been great. He's been getting into cooking more and more. Last night he made us amazing chicken wings. It's nice that once or twice a week, he can take over cooking duty. It cuts back on the eating out when I just feel too tired to cook.

So, it's been fine here, a bit quiet, a lot relaxed, and going well.

So, I don't know how many times I've sat down to write something in this thing, only to get a sentence or two out and then quit. I don't know. My life is just boring I guess. Facebook has sucked the life right out of me.

As I sit here, I worry about Louie. He's crazy allergic to fleas and I don't know what to do. There isn't a medicine out there that repels fleas, other than Advantix and I've read some scary stuff about it, especially for smaller dogs. Also, not once has my vet reccomended it. Frontline works, but if your pet gets a flea, it takes 18 hours of coming in contact with your pet for it to work. So, for 18 hours, Louie is the flea's personal buffet, making him miserable.

If I see him being aggresive with a spot, I'll get the flea comb out and give him a once over, but trying to find one flea on a dog with a wiry top coat, and a thick undercoat is hard. I will admit feeling a great sense of accomplishment when I do find it though and smash that little fucker on the comb, even better if there is an audible pop. I'm gross like that.

Basically, we're treating him with meds to keep his comfort level as close to normal. He has to take a antihistamine twice a day and I have a topical spray that I use when he's really going nuts. He is TERRIFIED of the spray. He runs away. I only used a water bottle as a punishment once before when we first got him. Well, that is until Jonny got a hold of it, and took Louie to the side of the house and sprayed him over and over again, making it a fun game. When I couldn't find them, I yelled for them, and here comes a guilty kid and a very wet and happy dog.

Jonny has been a bit of a pill lately. I'm just so used to him being so good. Tony and I are noticing that Jonny is "that" kid when he plays. The one who can dish but can't take it. He comes runnining in every five minutes wanting to tattle on some kid. Come to find out, it's usually becasue Jonny is being a d-bag. Like, yesterday he came in WAILING saying that the other kids beat him up. Aislinn even came in and said "Yeah they were, I thought they were playing, but they weren't" So, I'm thinking it's the older kids Aislinn was playing with. Tony goes out there and the kid that "beat up" Jonny was smaller than him and he did it because Jonny called him a name. Now, I'm not saying Jonny deserved to get his ass kicked... but.. well... I'm just saying. Really, he didn't get his ass kicked, the kid pushed him down to the ground. That's what happens when you call someone a name. Tough lesson to learn kid. He wasn't really happy when his Dad told him that. He's an antagonizer, then when the kids retaliate, he runs to mom. Usually I tell him to suck it up and if he's going to keep crying he can stay in the house. THat usually works for awhile.

Aislinn has her bridging ceremony tomorrow for Girl Scouts. That's where she leaves the Brownies behind and continues her journey as a Junior. Her leader, who will be her leader in the Juniors asked me if Aislinn even liked Girl Scouts. That was a puzzling question, since I thought it was obvious that she did. Tani said that Aislinn often seemed upset to be there, or not into it. I told her that she is, but she likes crafts and outdoorsy stuff and when it falls into singing or manners or anything she deems too girly eh you're not going to get the most positive of responses. We're thinking that when she moves up it will be more fun for her. First of all, there are THREE girls in her Brownie group. The two other girls are younger than Aislinn, and one of those two girls really pisses Aislinn off. The co-leader sucks as she's all about her daughter and not the other two girls. Her daughter is the kind of kid who always has something "special" planned for each meeting. The kind of kid who cries when she doesn't get her way. You know the kind.

Having Tony home has been nice. We're adjusting but I'll save that for another time.

Quivering with excitement

I am so happy I could burst! Tony goes to work on Friday!! Teehee! It's going to be awesome.

We went from not seeing him for many months to having him home for three straight weeks. It's been awesome and fun, but my shiz is all screwed up. I forgot Aislinn's therapy appointment yesterday, and even though the therapist reminded me before we left about my appointment today, yep almost missed it. I woke up at 10:21 and my appointment was at 10:30. I made it. I stunk and had morning breath, but I made it. Then I spent 45 minutes talking about dog food and how you have to buy the good kind.

Aislinn still has school, and doesn't get out until the 18th. I feel bad for her. That's a long time!! I've been researching some acitivities to break up her summer. I am going to get her a membership to the rec center and get her in some martial arts and pottery I think. She's right at the age where she can start doing all the fun things.

Oh hey ya'll

So, yeah. Lots going on in recent weeks. Mainly, the touching of my things. Funny how possesive a person can become when left to their own devices for many months. Tony will move something and it freaks me the fuck out. I'm being nice about it for the most part, but I am missing a ton of Real Woman dollars from Lane Bryant and that's like throwing out fucking money. I could be buying shit right now, but can't because someone fingered my shit and NOT in a good way.

I bitch of course, but it is nice having my husband home again. He's in total fixer upper mode which is nice. We're discussing paint colors and all that jazz. I'm hoping to get some paint and have him start this weekend. I have found the perfect colors finally. I figure if it looks like ass, we can always repaint.

Our big thing of course was our trip to Disney which was fabulous. We had a great time. Honestly, though we're not Disney people. When I watched grown women weeping over seeing Mickey like he's fucking John Lennon... I rolled my eyes. I didn't scream or get overly excited. We had breakfast with Mickey and the gang and had the misfortune of sitting next to a woman who dressed her baby as Mickey. Everytime a character would come to the table, she would scream their name, get the vapors, pee a little and then faint. When they would come to our table we would give and akward "Hey it's ...." and Aisy would get an autograph, we'd all pose awkwardly, and then sit down. Don't get me wrong, it was fun, but come on.. it's not REALLY Pluto. It's some chick who thought she'd get a job being a Disney Princess, but instead was stuck in a hot, stinky costume, posing with fat families as a giant non speaking dog. The fact of the matter is I am too much of a cynic to get into it. After watching the chinese contortionists, I said quite loudly... BACK to the cages for them. I got a lot of dirty looks. But seriously, I have a feeling I'm not too far from the truth.

I'm making it seem like I went to to Disney to mock it all and that is NOT the case. I got a little teary standing near Cinderella's castle while fireworks went off in the night sky. How many times have we seen that as children on TV and THERE I WAS. Yeah, my sister was the first to graduate from college this year, but I was the first to see that you know? Not that it compares, but I've never had high expectations for myself. It's the best place to spend time with your family. We plan on going again sometime in the next two years. Tony loved it way more than I expected him to.

The other big thing was that I left my family here in Virginia Beach and flew out to see my sister graduate WITH HONORS. It was awesome and I'm crazy proud of her. She's the type of persson who, even though she's graduating at 28 and lots of people in her shoes would be all "c's get degrees" she got honors you know? That's just how she is and that's awesome and she looked totally gorgeous to boot. We had a great time, Dad treated us all to Kobe steak house where they cook the food right there and make you catch food in your mouth and stuff like that. Dad.... well... he doesn't "do" outings, as Bobo put it, it was nice to see him out of the basement, in slacks and black socks no less.

Mostly us girls hung out and laughed a lot, and played with the dogs and drank a ton of coffee. I miss them like crazy.

Hopefully now that life is getting back under control, I'll update this thing more.

I am an idiot

Yes, I am.

I just looked at my Ipod and realized that my husband comes home a day earlier than I thought. Nothing has changed, I was just looking at XXX day and seeing YYY day for like 5 months. Seriously. I have told people up until last night that it was YYY day. (Sorry for the secrecy. I can't actually SAY when on a public site) Even when I went to therapy we sat down and talked about how everyone kept saying we only had X days but I was counting it as XX days.

It's kind of cool because for me, it's like they come home a day earlier.

I haven't written in awhile because Facebook is a time sucking, soul wrenching affair. I can't believe how much time you can spend on FB. FB though is starting to get irritating. I liked FB as a way to keep in contact with my friends from both message boards. I liked reading about Pam's day and then reading about Teri's right after without having to click to the sites. Because you know, now clicking is just TOO much work. Forget writing. I get tired from writing a check. My hand writing, which used to be bad, is now horrendous. Its like a flat line with a hump or a bump occasionally.

Anyway, I don't know it's nice to get the gist of what everyone is doing. REcently though, I've seen a major influx of high school people join and it's just UGH. I'm the kind of person that will hide from school people if I see them out in public. I don't really know why. High school wasn't that great for me. It wasn't that I was teased or harrassed when I think about it. I just felt alone and didn't have many friends.

Don't get me wrong, some of the people I have made friendships with. Like Jeremy, who I only kind of talked to in HS and found out I was kinda mean to him. I don't even remember, but when he recounted it, I blushed furiously on my side of the computer. It reminded me of the episode of 30 Rock when Liz didn't want to go to her HS reunion because the popular girls picked on her. She remembered it as them being snooty and her mumbling some snarky response under her breath. Come to find out, they were terrified of her, and she was the actual bully! The way they remembered it was that they were trying to reach out to her and she actually wasn't mumbling "Nice mole it looks like God pooped on your face" under her breath. Some of the women were in therapy thanks to Liz. Loves it! So, yeah I wasn't very friendly, so that's why I didn't have friends I guess.

Tony and I have talked a lot through IM, and I swear there is something about the internet that makes it easier to say things. Not for me. I have no problems saying anything to Tony. Good or bad. For him though. It's been so nice to hear some of the things he thinks and feels about me and our relationship. When I would ask him face to face, he was put on the spot and I would never get a satisfying answer. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? You bet it does. I figure by the end of his 3 week leave though I'll be more than ready for him to go back to work. Although, I've always enjoyed having him home. The best part is that the kids will be in school for part of the time he's on leave. We'll be alone for three days a week for four hours!! Nice!

We've had Louie for almost six months. What a six months it has been. I credit him for keeping me sane while Tony has been on deployment. He gave me focus and was my project. He's given me a million puppy kisses, and tons of puppy snuggles. He's made me mad, he's made me laugh, but most of all he's made me happy.

As most of you all know. I did a bad thing and got Louie from a pet shop. Before getting him, I was VERY against pet shops, preached the evilness of them, and had a talk with my daughter about how shelter dogs needed a home over a pet shop dog. I had always wanted a Cairn but was against paying a lot of money for a dog. I did kind of research them, and couldn't really find any breeders in my immediate area, came up with nothing My looks around the shelters weren't coming up with anything other than pit bulls or old dogs. I was going to do a rescue cairn, but most won't give a Cairn to someone with young children.

One day, at the mall, we went in. We've done it thousands of times before. I mean, you know the situation, but you can't resisit watching a puppy romp. I've fallen in love with many a puppy in the window, but never, ever, EVER asked a price until I saw Louie. He was in the very first window. No one was looking at him, and he was facing away from the window. I told my husband "OMG that's a Cairn!" and he said "What's a Cairn?" and then wandered off with the kids to look at the other puppies. I tapped the window trying to get his attention. I looked at the big JUST REDUCED AGAIN! sign plastered on the cage. I stood there forever, just to get a glimpse of his face. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to see his face. I had never seen a Cairn in real life, and I wanted to see him. For the first time EVER I asked to see the puppy in the window. My kids were SHOCKED as they have asked a million time in the past and alway got a "No. Let's go."

We got him in one of those rooms, and he turned his personality on, although he didn't stand out. Just a jumpy little puppy. We found out why he had been reduced twice so far. He was four months old, and had lost his puppy cuteness. I think thats common with terrier breeds. They have the puppy cute for such a short time, then they look like mini versions of the adults. People passed him up to look at the Yorkies and Jack Russels and Shih Tzus and Maltese. The little bundles of energy and fluff that makes even the hardest of hearts melt. They had me. I was holding the "reject" puppy. The one no one wanted. Going against everything I knew was right, we left that night to think it over, but we knew we'd be back.

We got there the next day before the store opened. Swallowing my pride, I bought my pet store dog. I even made up elaborate lies to my family as not to seem like a hypocrit. For weeks I thought of reselling him to appease my guilt. On top of that.. he was a boring dog.Yeah I said it. He was boring. He never wagged his tail, he was scared of loud noises, he was lacking all that puppy happiness he exhibited in the cubicle, which I now realize was from just the overwhelming happiness to be OUT OF HIS CAGE!! He didn't know how to play, he didn't want to be held, or petted. A few weeks go by, and he starts to adjust, but he's still pretty surly. I was amazed that he never wagged his tail. I read about dogs and their "happy smile" in a dog training book, and realized in the time we've had him, I've never once seen that face. I would see pics of grinning Cairns and I was sad. I had begun to regret my decision, thinking Karma was punishing me. Oh yeah, I got a Cairn, but a surly, snarly, boring one. One who refused to let you touch him or who looked at you blankly when you threw a ball.

Over time, he learned to walk on a leash, he learned who he could hit up for food, he became more family oriented. I remember the first time he wagged his tail at a time other than upon our return home. We were out playing in the yard. He was wagging his tail and PLAYING. He learned fetch, he learned NO bite, and NO bark. He kinda got better at pottying outside. Then came our first trip to the dog park. I saw his first smile. Although happy, I was heartbroken that he would never do that at home. That was almost 2 months after getting him.

I loved him anyway. He is my heart. He slowly became my velcro dog. He started sleeping wtih me, comforting me while husband was away. He is surprisingly obedient, amazingly laid back for a Cairn and he had never chewed on anything of signifigance. He loves to do his tricks, he's pretty tolerable of the kids, he loves the cat, and after awhile with us, one day his tail started wagging, and hardly ever stops. Recently, he's started running to me with a huge smile on his face, panting just happy to be a part of the family. Six months it took for him to adjust. But, I know that at least once a day, I'll see that smile.

It just goes to show how horrible the puppy mill business is (although I have contributed to it). I had a dog that didn't know how to be a dog! Even at 4 months old. He got skittish around metal noises which I assume comes from being in a cage most his life. If we even so much as touch the fireplace screen, he would bark and freak. He does that still, but it has since turn to a game. It's the best way to guarantee and panting happy pup.I don't know. I just felt the need to get it out. He had come over to me to play "fiesty" which is just rough housing and hand biting. It's amazing because he knows when he does it too hard, and if he forgets I just say "easy" or put my face down for a lick and he goes back to being gentle. I was just struck with the difference between the 4 month old who was stand offish to the dog who jumps up on the couch, plants his fat paws on my chest and gives me kisses to I beg him to stop.