Bullying

Bullying has been in the media a lot lately, with so many teens taking their lives because of it. I was bullied as a child and it hurt and affected me greatly until I was an adult, so I can relate to this kids to a point, but in reality, these children had it much, much worse.



Imagine everytime your phone alerted you to a text, that it was someone wanting to say something mean and nasty to you, going so far as to say they wish you would just die already. Imagine everytime you logged onto your Facebook, or your MySpace, you saw messages from co-workers calling you awful names. Calling you a slut, a whore, a piece of shit that should just die, a faggot, a lesbian. After reading these wall posts or messages, and recieving these texts, you log onto yahoo to talk to your actual friends, and then are bombarded with IM's from people who again wish you would just go away. Then, after ALL this, you have to go and face them at work the next day. Maybe, someone took an embarrassing photo or video of you and had passed it on to all your co-workers on top of all the harrassment. As an adult, this would be hard to handle. I don't know how I would react in this situation. Now, imagine all this happening to you when you were a hormonal teenager.



Today's tweens and teens have to deal with so many different aspects of bullying that we as children never had to experience. A child can be bullied quite literally 24 hours a day, 7 days a week between school and internet and cell phone. There has been such a wide jump in technology from when we were children to now, I think sometimes as parents, we don't realize that by blessing our children with fancy cell phones and internet access, we're also opening them up to potentially becoming victims. Sure, we're aware of internet pedophiles and accidental access to porn sites, but how many of us actually stop to see what other children are saying to our children. Better yet, how many of us are checking to see what OUR OWN children are saying to ANOTHER child.

Bullies have parents too, and often times those parents are clueless to what they're children are doing, and in some cases the parents ARE aware, and are helping their child bully another as was the case with Megan Meier. The mother of a girl who picked on Megan, made a fake MySpace account, pretending to be a boy who wooed and then suddenly turned on Megan, who then hung herself. Yes, the MOTHER and the mother's assistant played with this childs heart and emotions. She participated, knowingly and willingly in this abuse and the child DIED.

My heart breaks when I read another story of another child taking their own lives because they feel like they have no other option. It worries me even more when I hear so many dismissive comments from people who think this is all normal.

We all need to realize that today's kids really DO have it much worse than we did as a children when it comes to bullying. This isn't some bleeding heart liberal reteric I'm spewing. If we all just stop and think about how different the lives the kids lead now in general and then apply it to bullying, you can see how it's different.

About a year ago a young boy somehow got my number and harrassed me on my cell phone for a few days. He didn't say anything really bad. Used some curse words and things like that. At first, I thought it was funny, then it became tedious, and then I got angry. The angrier I got, the more gleeful he became. It got to the point where the sound of my phone ringing made me nervous. I became jumpy. I felt helpless because he always hid his number so I couldn't call back. I didn't know who he was and why he was picking on me of all people and I'm an adult. I can't even imagine how much worse I would feel if I was a teen and I KNEW who was harrassing me and then I had to face them at school the next day.

If we all work together, maybe we can change this horrible trend. It's going to take us as adults, parents especially to make this stop.

Getting Out In the World Today!

Ooooh today I'm doing something kind of crazy. Kind of.... kooky. I'm LEAVING THE HOUSE!! Not just for a quick errand or stop at the grocery store. I'm going to more than one place, and some of it involves another person. So, if you're wondering.. yes I will be taking a shower today thank you very much.

Let's get this out on the table ok? I am a homebody. Seriously. I like staying at home, and doing nothing. I LIKE talking to my dogs all day. I do! They don't talk back, but I see that they love it when I talk to them, and dress them in the kids old baby clothes, pushing Cuddles in a stroller while carrying Louie in the sling. They LOVE it..... er. Uh. Ahem. Yeah I mean just TALK to them. That's it. None of that other stuff.

Random aside... I new a new ringtone. My mother in law just called me, and I never realized how annoying the Dulcimer can be. Sheesh!

Anyway, what I was saying is that I am a homebody. That's just the way I am. I like to stay home, and sleep. I know it sounds like I have issues, and at one time I would probably agree with you, but I don't know. Sleeping is just.. well it's nice. Who doesn't like sleeping? Oh yeah weirdos like my mom. You know it's bad when your therapist purposely schedules your appointments before ten so you have to get up early because he thinks it's good for you.

I HAVE tried this week to make it a point not to go back to bed after the kids leave. Two out of three days I've done it. Yesterday I had to because I had raging insomnia the night before. I don't know why, but it was pretty bad, laying in bed until 3 am. Last night I decided to take melatonin to help me sleep. Within 15 minutes I was knocked out. It was weird to wake up and see that the clock said 2:12 and I had been asleep for awhile at this point. Usually, I'm awake at 2 am.

So, yep gonna shower and put my going to town clothes on and have myself a fun day. :) And the dogs can run around nude while I'm gone.

CrAsian

Ok, so this blog has completely fallen to the wayside and I know that, and I suck. What can I say? I suck!!

So, Saturday after the kids left with their dad, I headed out for my facial appointment and I was late. I was late because dickhead got there late. My plan was to shower after the kids left. He was supposed to pick them up at 11. Of course he didn't pick them up until noon. If he had just called and SAID he was going to be late, then I would have showered before he got there, but you know how it is, you hold off thinking it will be a few minutes and you keep doing that until you're like FUCK! I kept thinking.. if I shower, he'll show up and then I'll be nude WHILE HE'S HERE and well that's just unacceptable. Bad enough he has the impeccable timing to know when I'm pantless to show up at the door. Usually when I know he's coming, I get up at dawn, dress in a burka and wait JUST IN CASE.

Anyway, so I'm driving to my facial appointment and I've got the windows down, and I'm speeding, because that's how I drive. I'm not crazy speeder, but you know.. you gotta go a little fast, you're in a big metal box with an engine and wheels. In others words.. WHEEEEE! So, why drive slow? I'm also a bit aggravated because, and this was my own fault, I had to pack a bag before I left because after my appointment I was going to my guy friends house to hang out and stay the night. No you can't know his name. No he's not officially my boyfriend. No you can't have any details other than there is a person with a penis who I visit every chance I get that is NOT my boyfriend... yet. Like that little yet? Thought so, it gave me butterflies just typing it. Well, I was driving and realizing I forgot an asston of stuff because dickhead made me late (well, the bag I could have packed while I was waiting, but in the moment it was dickheads fault)

So, I'm driving, speeding and thoroughly distracted, yet I do have the right of mind to know that the salon has a way of sneaking up on me. That I always think I have further to go when BAM there it is and there it goes and the next u-turn is half a mile down the road and I'm late as it is. All this is going through my head, as I'm making a concious effort NOT to miss the salon, that I must remember... HOLY SHIT THERE'S THE SALON and instead of doing the good girl thing and continueing down the way half a mile down the road to make the u-turn I think slamming on the brakes and going over two lanes is the PERFECT idea.

Yeah not so much.

I completely cut off this guy who lays on the horn. Rightfully so, I mean I would have done the same as this guy if I were in his shoes. What I did was foolish and dangerous and all the other negative words that can describe the situation. But, yay for defensive driving on his part, we're both safe, move along have a good day.

So, why did this asshole follow me into the parking lot? Oh yeah, you read that right. He FOLLOWED ME. Now, I'm sweating and getting nervous. He turned down the side street and met me window to window before I could park.

I immediately say to him before he can get a word in "I am SO sorry, I am so sorry, I am so sorry." I must have said that like 5 or 6 times. I really was. I thought he would accept that and move on, but what I was forgetting is he FOLLOWED ME so, no he's going to get his say in.

"WHAT on earth were you thinking? What were you doing? You could have gotten me into a VERY serious accident. What were you thinking?" Ok, he's obviously irate, so I say in a very apologetic voice "I am so sorry sir, I apologize, I wasn't thinking, it was a horrible mistake I'm so sorry." Again thinking he would leave, granted in a huff, but satisfied. AGain, forgetting he chose to FOLLOW ME into the parking lot, so he's got more crazy to spew.

"What is your problem?!? I want to know your thought process!! I could give you a ticket you know. I should give you a ticket! What the HELL were you thinking? What is your problem? Why would you do something so dangerous and foolish?" Again more apologizing from me.

This goes back and forth about 2 more times, almost exactly. Him asking me the same questions (What was I thinking yadda yadda yadda) me apologizing (It was an accident, it was a mistake, I'm sorry).

Finally, I said "Look, I've apologized profusely, I told you I wasn't thinking, I made a mistake, and honestly sir, I don't know what more I can do to convince you I'm sorry. Yes, I could have caused an accident, but there wasn't one. We're both safe, and so are the other drivers, if I could go back and change it, I would but I can't. I'm sorry." Now, I'm saying this in a pissed off voice because I can't believe King Douche can't let this go.

Well, KD didn't like my TONE. He starts shaking his head and pulls out a notepad to take my name and number down. He said to give me his name, I said "Prove your a cop." Yeah. All of a sudden I got more "What were you thinking?" Just on and on and on.

I asked him what more could I do? Did he want money? He looked completely offended. Did he want blood? No, he wanted to know my thought process. Fine, I was driving, the salon came up on my suddenly, and without thinking.. I swerved. End of story. Was this good enough for KD? Nooooooooo. He wanted to harangue me more.

Finally, I burst into tears. Oh yeah. I did. Because the guy became like my dad. I love my dad but when I was a kid, no matter how much I tried to convince him of something, once he made up his mind that was it, and he'd keep going and going until I agreed that I did it too. Then I usually got spanked for lying. It wasn't like a flashback or anything, but it was just... I knew that no matter what I said, this guy wasn't going to be happy until I was completely contrite, and he wasn't going to leave me alone until I got the magnitude of what I had done, but yet he wasn't sure what it was going to take for him to be satisfied either, so harrassing me was the only option and I felt trapped so I cried.

He asked why I was crying I said "A strange man, confronts me in a parking lot? As a single woman you hear these things turning ugly all the time. I don't know you from Adam and here you are screaming at me." Oh but he's only screaming because I got an attitude first. Well, yeah I did. YOU FOLLOWED ME INTO A PARKING LOT TO HARRASS ME DOUCHEBAG.

At this point people are gathered around, Ashley the receptionist came out to check on the situation as she recognized my car, and at this point I was REALLY late. Finally, I pulled into a parking space, crying and yelling things like "Are you happy? Are you satisfied? You followed a strange woman into the parking lot and made her cry on a Saturday, and beautiful Saturday. Are you happy?!?" He starts to pull off and shaking his head he says one last thing "Unbelievable" and I'm all "Oh I'm unbelievable? You're the psycho that followed me into a parking lot to confront me your crazy creepster!!" I grab my purse, and walk in a huff into the salon, while I waited for Molly to take me into the back to start.

As I sit there, I cry, and cry. Not boohoo but, leaky eyes and sniffles. So much so I had to put my sunglasses on. Then when I went back to the darkened room, and explained to Molly what happened, she leaves and i get undressed and lay there crying HARDER. She comes back in and we start talking about it some more, and I'm proffessing my confusion as to why I'm crying so much over it.

As she starts the facial, and I'm still kind of ranting I said "I think the part that pisses me off the most? I was just told I was a bad driver by an ASIAN guy."

As you can imagine, my world has been turned upside. My marriage, the marriage that I thought was awesome, the one I had no clue was in trouble, could be over. It's only been a little over a week since Tony hit me with the bombshell from halfway around the world. Just thinking about it makes me feel nauseous and flush. According to him, he started talking to a girl from his childhood online, he told her loved her and that he doesn't think we're good together, he's been unhappy for so long, and he doesn't think counseling will work.

To say this came as a shock is an understatement. To say I saw this coming would be a lie. I sit and think of all the things that were said and done before his deployment and I am lost. The man I speak to on the phone, who has so much hatred in his voice, is not the same man who left me a wonderful card in my car for me to find later, that made me weep in the parking lot of a store when I found it. Everyone who knows says it doesn't make any sense. That if he was so unhappy, he is an amazing actor.

How can you fall in love with someone in six weeks online? I know people have done it, but I still don't get it. He says I need to not focus on WHAT happened but why it happened. I don't know why it happened. From what he says our marriage was a "rollercoaster" and to me that is the definition of marriage. He says I was mean, but when I punched, kicked, belittled and treated him like shit, he loved me like a fat kid loves cake. In the last 4 years I've become emotionally stable and for some reason, he doesn't like it. Does he like and miss the crazy me? The one that was angry 24-7? Maybe in his head if I was mad 24-7 then he could tell himself it wasn't about him so much as it was just that I was a crazy person. Now that I'm different, could it be that when I am mad, he finally has to accept that maybe he isn't the saint everyone thinks he is?

I'm sure if you asked him he'd say no. He'd say he's unhappy and that's all that matters. Counseling won't work and our kids aren't worth the effort. He really can't give me a legitimate reason why he feels it won't work other than "I know you" which is his way of saying "You'll never let me live this down and I can't face that forever" well, maybe he should have thought of that beofre he stepped outside his marriage.

I am devastated. I am crushed. I am alone, and as days go on, everyone elses lives move on and I have no one to talk to. I wonder if this was his plan. Knowing I was all alone, and this would give me the most suffering. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. To scream and cry and rip out my hair. Yet, I don't get that luxury. I have the kids and I have to keep it together for them.

Two days in a row? No way!

I'm going to try and keep up with this thing. This might sound totally vain, but I love reading through my older entries and sometimes I think "Oh my God, I wrote that and it's pretty damn entertaining." There, that's my little secret for today. Do with it what you will.

Aislinn is turning 10 on Monday. TEN. TEN!! I just can't believe it. Where did the time go? Jonny turned 6 three weeks ago. They're both getting so big, and I am really relishing having two older kids. Life is so much simpler now. No diaper bags, no rushing around and dressing each kid or having to wipe faces and hands as they can now do it themselves. It's pretty awesome.

Funny enough, it does NOT make me want to have another baby. There was a period awhile ago where I thought about babies non stop. Even considered adopting at one point. I realized that it wasn't so much that I wanted a BABY than it was that I wanted something to care for. I got Louie and now Cuddles and I can't begin to tell you how much joy they bring me. Or. Wait. I'll be honest, LOUIE brings me joy. Cuddles hasn't really clicked into our family just yet. She still feels like a visitor, but we're getting there. Maybe if she wasn't such a surly asshat, we'd get there more quickly. Also, we'd get there more quickly if she stopped using the cat as a chew toy and Louie as her whipping boy when she's pissed. I'm tired of looking at his scab.

Anyway, what I'm saying is life feels good. But, I would say that now in Febuary right? Ask me again in July, when I'm all "life sucks and my husband is a dickhead" Actually, Tony will come home right in the midst of all that. I wonder how I'll be?

I really should write in this more huh?

So, the big thing around here has been Aislinn's diagnosis. She has been diagnosed as ADD, as we knew, but she's also been diagnosed as having Aspergers. As you can imagine, this upset Tony and I very much. Yet, upon reflecting on it, we can't help but to agree that it only makes sense. It explains her maturity level, which is behind other kids and always has been. It explains her clothing issues (and here I thought she was being a pain in the ass). It explains her bossiness and need to control the play with other kids. It explains why she wants to talk to everyone and doesn't get when they're done talking. With an Aspie kid, as they're called they lack empathy more so than another child.

They can't put themselves in other people's shoes. Aislinn controls the play because she can't understand why no one else wants to play lions when she thinks it so freaking fun. Who wouldn't want to play? Even though the clerk asked her a question to be polite, Aislinn can't see that, and therefore will go on and on while the clerk is trying to do her job. Aislinn likes being comfortable and can't understand why she has to look "nice". To her, Pokemon are the coolest thing ever, why does mom and dad not want to talk about it everyday? (we have actually told her no Pokemon talk allowed a few times because we were so sick of it)

Aspergers is one of those disorders that seems misunderstood. The best way I can describe it is an extreme lack of social skills. Boy, does that describe Aislinn to a "T" People think she should be like Rain Man or something, because it's linked with autism. I expect people to throw down a bunch of toothpicks and have her count them when they hear. It's not like that. Especially for girls. She will not need to be put in special ed, or need to live in a home as an adult, or be under our care forever. She can go on and live her life, get married and have children if she so wishes.

Basically, Asperger's makes her a natural rebel. I'm not trying to make it seem super cool or anything, but Aislinn because she thinks differently will always be that argumentative kid that is going to question everything. She doesn't heed societal norms. This can be both a hindrance and a blessing. Aspie kids are also usually very bright and smart, but because they think differently they may have a hard time at school because they don't fit the "mold" which is something I've always complained about in the past with her.

We're working our way through the process. Her teacher has been super helpful, even though Aislinn thinks she hates her. When I told Mrs. N that, she was really upset and sounded like she was going to cry. She's really trying to help her. She allows Aislinn to sit at the island when she needs to work alone, whenever she wants. It's hard because Aislinn has developed a verbal tic. One that is very distracting and loud. Because her ADD is best treated with stimulants, it brings out the tics and makes them worse. Without the stimulants she can't focus, but with them we get tics. Aislinn has always had tics, but I never knew that's what they were. I just thought Aislinn was weird. She's on another medicine to control the tics, but we just started that so I don't know how well it will work. I noticed them a lot less in the last few days, but she also wasn't on her Concerta.

So, all the things that I used to complain about with Aislinn wasn't just because she wanted to make my life miserable. It was because she truly had a medical reason. I feel guilty about that sometimes, but I try not to dwell on it too much. Right now, I'm trying to find the right balance for discipline. One of the hardest things was trying to ignore the verbal tic which is a high pitched screech in her throat. It really just jars you when it's quiet and I can see why the other kids are getting pissed in her class. That was the reason we decided to medicate this tic. The other kids are making fun of her for it. The more they do that, the more she needs to do it, and it's a vicious cycle.

Hopefully, with the right meds and support, Aislinn will achieve greatness in school. She's so smart and her teacher said if we can just get this all working right, Aislinn could easily be a straight A student.

Facebook is just a time suck isn't it? It never gets old and you can spend hours on there. Aislinn keeps bugging me for a Facebook account and I just can't do it. I can't let her take that step yet. I know she only wants it because she wants to play all the games we play. She's nine, she doesn't necessarily want to social network, know what I'm saying? There are many reasons I don't want her to have one. My main thing is, of course her safety. Sure, I could sit here and watch her like a hawk and approve her friend requests and all that, but who wants to? Then, I'd have to friend her, and then I couldn't post things like "Miley Cyrus is a twat waffle" because she'd want to know what a twat waffle was, and I REALLY don't want to have that conversation.

The other day she complained about her tv in her room. What is wrong with the tv? It doesn't have DVR. That's right. It is not up to her standard because she can't fucking pause it to go to the bathroom, therefore she refuses to watch it Forget that it has like 4,575,893 channels on it, most of those cartoons. What the hell? My tv was black and white and had bunny ears. We didn't have cable until I was 13 and it was only on ONE tv. The one my dad watched. If he was up, we were screwed, we went to the basement and watched Heathcliff through the fuzz on the screen. I once tried to explain the concept of cartoons coming on only in the morning (you usually missed them because of school), in the afternoon (you usually missed those because of homework) and on Saturdays. Sundays sucked because it was church shows and then Tarzan and then the 3 Stooges and then a dumb movie. You didn't WANT to stay home from school, because after the Price is Right, your mom just watched her "stories" and it was always filled with icky kissing and stuff.

Sure, my day would suck if DVR went away, but I grew up where a remote control? THAT was optional and cost more. Our big tv didn't have one, my mom refused to get one because she didn't want us to be lazy. Good in theory, but we just sat really close to the TV so we could be arms length away from the buttons. Coincidentally, we all had bad eyes growing up. My dad just used us kids as the remote. "Start at channel 2 and go up, slow enough so I can see what's on, but not too slow, and I'll tell you when to stop" We just hoped he found something he wanted to watch in the first 2o channels. Most the time we would sit there cycling through so he could see what was on all the channels that happened to be on a commercial when we passed through it the first time.

Another thing she complained about.. no wifi in the car. Seriously. We were driving around doing errands, and I hear this frustrated grunt. I asked her what was wrong and she said "I was trying to go to the global trading center in my Pokemon game, and there's no wifi" she said the last bit with a disgusted sneer. She actually asked me if we could go to a Starbucks or something so we could get wifi. She said we didn't have to go in. I swear I'm not making this shit up. Anytime I sing something the kids don't recognize, Jonny assumes it's from Sesame Street because it sounds like something a dumb baby show like Sesame Street would have in it. Yes, my FIVE year old thinks Sesame Street is for babies. I think I watched it until I was 14. Oscar the Grouch is dumb, but Spongebob is AWESOME, so what does he know?

And if you were wondering... yes I did walk to school uphill both ways during blizzards with paper shoes.. that's the way it was, and gosh darn it we LIKED it.

Three months really?

That long eh?

I often think I should write in this thing especially when I'm feeling down, but damn if that was the case I'd be on this fucker all day.

So life. Yeah. Well, I guess the big thing would be that Aislinn has fallen on the Asperger's scale. Everything I read about Asperger's though didn't really fit her. I decided to then google Asperger's and girls, since ADD with girls is much different than ADD with boys and yet most of the info is targeted toward boys. I was right. Asp. in girls is much different and once I read up on it, I can totally see it. Asp. girls are more able to adapt to it. They realize more that they are different and therefore have learned to make the appropriate facial reactions and to show more on their faces, also able to get the subtle nuances of sarcasm.

After reading about it, I realized that Aislinn really doesn't get sarcasm THAT well. Just yesterday she swallowed a mint, and she asked if she'd be ok. I said "Oh yeah, you'll be fine, that is until your stomach explodes." You know.. haha. But, she was like "REALLY?!?" We had to literally break it down and let her know that if it was the case, wouldn't we be more concerned?

I will admit getting this diagnosis has been a comfort. It's not ME. For 9 years, I struggled with "Am I a bad parent?" I think that's pretty common. I told her Girl Scout leaders and they said "Ah you know... we've noticed a few things" One leader says it always looks like she has to pee. That's because she doesn't like her skin to touch between her legs, or the way the pants feel. So, she pushes the material into her crotch and crosses her legs. She does this CONSTANTLY and then wonders why people think she's gross at school. I tried to explain to her that hands in crotch will always freak people out. She just shrugged and said "well it bothers me" ok then.

Tony and I are doing well now. It was a rough patch and it took much longer to get used to having him home from deployment than other times. Before, I was with my family and him coming home was like him saving me from the situation. By staying home I realized.. huh life's a tad bit easier! We went back and forth on issues and finally we were able to get to a point where we could really say what was on our minds. He's gotten it finally. Doing the dishes isn't about doing the dishes for me. It's about showing me you love me enough to do it. You know? He's been more active with the kids, making plans for us on weekends, and helping around the house more.

Also, he's completely and utterly fallen in love with Louie! This makes me happy! I think when he got home, he felt he was competing with Louie for my attention. But, now if I pull Louie up to snuggle me in bed, he doesn't get mad. He pets him too. Louie loves him and gets so excited when he comes home. He has shown tenderness and love toward him lately I've never seen from him toward the dog. I think it took him this long to get over the "small dog" thing. I think after having our friends Golden Retriever here he realized that although doable, a big dog would be too mch work in our town home.

Me, well I am enjoying the few hours a day alone. LOVE IT. Jonny is doing well in Kindy. Above average is the report we got on him.

So, yes we're all doing well!

I got the icky blechs. Pretty much if you were to use my head as a pinata, you'd get snot candy. It would explain wow I felt really run down the last day and a half before it hit me yesterday evening. It was like I felt really tired, then my nostril kind of clogged, then I got a small runny nose, and then ka-blooie. Head full of snot. Now my throat hurts and my ear hurts. But, not in a strep kind of way, just in a sinus-y kind of way.

Everyone yaks on about netti pots, so I may try that. My sister says I can do the same thing with a wascloth. I have no problems using lab created pharmaceuticals to cure my shit. I took two dayquil earlier. Yet, I have found that a lot of natural remedies really do work and now I will try those first. Now I wonder if garlic on the bottom of the feet really will cure a fever.

Tony and I are in a rough spot. It's gone on for quite a long time. It's not everyday, and sometimes I can remember that he really is a good man. I've come to the conclusion last night that we're at the point where and I need to get over myself and stop being a bitch. I'll never tell him that, but it really is to that point. No matter how much I bitch, or complain, or keep to myself it's not going to solve anything and all it's going to do is make it worse. Then of course, he didn't do the dishes and I got all pissy again.

Is summer over yet? I am so tired of faking enthusiasm and the constant feeding of childred. I swear every ten minutes Aislinn is showing me something on her Pokemon game. Look! My blah blah is evolving !Look I caught a blah blah! Look how small a blah blah is compared to a person! (yes they do show a size comparison for fake pocket monsters). I try to be patient about it, and throw out the fake mommy "WOW!" and "AWESOME!" But, I found this only encourages her, so then I go to "Neat." notice lack of exclamation. Then it's just "MMhmmm" then I usually end it with "Seriously Aislinn! I don't want to hear about POKEMON all damn day" Then I calm down and vow to do better the next day and the whole process starts all over again. She seems to need a constant stream of electronic entertainment, but really it's August, it's hot, and school is about to start. I'm both not too worried and too tired to really give a shit. She'd be outside if one could go out there without melting.

As far as feeding children goes, this is just a fucking thorn in my side. Trust me, I don't want my kids to starve. Yet, whatever I suggest immediately gets poo pooed so I just stopped suggesting. Then of course, when I start fixing myself something to eat, then it's all "ooh what are you having? Eggs?" Even if I ask them before I make something to eat. "Do you want eggs? Do you want toast?" They almost always say no. Then, as I'm cooking MY food, they all of a sudden want something, usually completely different. If I making scrambled eggs, they want omelets. If I am having leftover chicken from last nights dinner, they want ramen noodles. Whatever it is, it usually means I have to WAIT to eat the food that I was in the process of cooking, which pisses me off as I'm pretty hungry at this point. Then, when I make it, they usually don't eat what I make. There have been a few times I've made them wait until I waas finished eating. I know that gives visions of my kids wasting away while I stuff my gullet. Not so. I just don't think jumping up to take care of a child's whim is a good thing.

Don't even get me started on dinner. It's too depressing. At least one will hate what I've made for dinner and will either eat cereal or canned raviolis. I've kind of slacked in the dinner department because it's too frustrating. Last night it was pushing 9 and I hadn't cooked a thing. Tony finally took it upon himself to try and fix them something to eat. Everything he suggested was met with disdain by one or both. He finally ended up playing short order cook, and I just said "Aaaand that's why I didn't cook dinner" It's exhausting!! It sucks having to cook a meal in the heat knowing that someone is going to whine.

I keep saying I'm going to ban all fast food, take out, eating out for a month. I say it, but I never do it. I give in way to much and I honestly think it's because I know it will always be met with a "YEAH!" and then I get to hear about how great a mom I am. It's easier in so many ways, but I always sit there feeling guilty about the crap food my kids are eating.

Today, I am babysitting my friends toddler daughter. We are at their house right now while the kids entertain her. She really digs "hanging out" with the older kids. It's funny because my kids are glued to BabyFirst Tv, while B hardly watches at all. They fussed a bit when I put it on, but it's mesmerizing. Even I get sucked in. There is something about it.

Driving over here this morning I was reminded me how long it's been since I've had to drive in any kind of traffic. On top of that, we were running behind, so I stopped and got us some breakfast from Chick-Fil-A so I'm trying to eat my sandwhich too. I rememeber a time when I could have a smoke in one hand, a sandwhich in another and still flip off the person next to me while I drove to work. Now, I hug the slow lane like it's my blankie, and weep softly as I try tentatively to merge. It doesn't help that the people here in VA are aggresive drivers on top of it all. It's enough to give me the vapors and recline in a cool dark room when I get back home.

The car. Oh man the car is all kinds of fucked up. At this point, Tony is just going to tear the engine apart and see if he can repair it on his own time because finding a used engine (Oh did I mention we needed a NEW FUCKING ENGINE?!?) isn't as easy as going to Auto Zone and picking one up. So, that has a stressed out a little bit. I don't mind driving him too and from. It's not far, but it does suck that he has to be dropped off at 6 am everyday. It's also ok now, but it's not going to work when the kids start school. He found a place online to order an engine that's pretty cheap, but found out to have it shipped would cost more than buying the engine.

So, that's what we're dealing with. You know.. life.

Sucktacular week ended

So, everything seems to be going ok. Ringworm is slowly clearing up on the kids, not so much the cats. I made a vet appointment for the kitten next week, so we'll see. I am doing all I can to clear it up, but it just takes time.

We got out provisional credit fairly early. I love that it's provisional. Like we frauded ourselves from afar.

One cool thing happened. I went to the dentist a few months ago. They gave me an X-ray. The insurance company denied the claim because I had gotten an x-ray 2 years and 10 months earlier. I'm allowed one ever 3 years. I get the bill, and set it aside thinking I'll contact the insurance company to have it taken care of. Well, my ADD got in the way, and it never happened. I get another bill this time threatening to steal and eat my kitten if I don't pay. I say.. fine by me, she's all funus-y anyway. But, her adorable face got me and I went and paid it yesterday. When I got there, the finance lady was not there. So, I paid it with the receptionist, who is the dentist's wife. Explain to her why I have to pay etc. I get a call this morning, and they're crediting my account. Which is freaking sweet. I think brining the kids in with me helped. At least they're good for SOMETHING.

I have been super hungry lately. I hate it. I've been doing low carb quite well the last few week, but the last two mornings at like 4 am I've been getting up and eating massive amounts of cereal because it's that or be sick. Of course its like knock off cookie crisp and fruity pebbles. I don't know what my deal is. Like right now, I could eat. It's not boredom either, not that "meh I could eat something" to have a taste in my mouth. It's all out hunger. I've had water and waited but it's not going away.

Tony had duty today, and that sucks. Tomorrow I have to baby sit for my friend. We'll hang out there because it's close to Tony's work, and we'll pick him up and then go to therapy, where he will meet my therapist and have a talk with him with me. I'm nervous. What if they gang up on me?

Sucktacular week

That title isn's an exaggeration either. It truly was a sucktacular week.

First of all, July was a sucky month for me emotionally. It's like this every July, and it always hits me hard. My mood changes around end of May, beginning of June and it just slowly ramps up until about the beginning of August, and then starts a down hill descent into normal-dom by September. It sucks. It was kind of worse this summer, but it's getting better. Tony's eyes are now safe, I no longer feel the need to claw them out of his face.

Anyway, back to sucktacular week. First of all, the kitten from Hell. She's adorable but has been a pain in the ass since we got her. She's sickly, always full of snot. When we took her to the vet, we were given THREE oral syrups to give her, twice a day. What. The. Hell? Three? That's a lot of fucking work. Granted, we didn't have to pay for it since it was covered under the shelter's account. It pisses me off for a twp reasons. First of all, you're a fucking shelter. Not that you can guarantee me a healthy cat, but in reality, I'm doing you a fucking favor by taking her. I could have gotten a free kitten from Craigslist. Yes, yes I know.. you run on donations, and you are short staffed blah blah blah. Whatever. Go cry on your tax exempion forms.


Second, Lola wasn't the cat we wanted. We wanted another one that was a boy. Don't get me wrong, I think it ended up for the better as she's super affectionate, but here's the kicker.. they wouldn't let us have the boy because they felt HE WAS TOO SICKLY. They said he had some intestinal issues, and felt like our family wouldn't be a good match as he may need more medical attention. What kind of business are they running over there? Jeez. Lola is sickly, the other cat must have like a little kitty oxygen tank we didn't see or something.

On top of being sickly, she got ringworm. I didn't know that's what it was, just assumed she was losing some hair or something. I didn't realize what it was until Aislinn got ring worm. Now, both Aislinn and the kitten have ringworm and both are pissy about putting medicine on. Jonny has poison ivy and Tony has both. I haven't gotten anything so far, although now I'm noticing some weird bumps on my thigh. No matter how much crap I put on Aislinn she wakes up with more on her. It's now on her HANDS, because do yu think she can leave the kitten alone? Last night I looked at Leah our adult cat and guess what's on her chin? All of a sudden she and Lola are best buds, and since Leah is a licker.. well there you go. How do I keep medicine on her CHIN? She just licks it right off. If it doesn't get better for us all soon, the kitten and cat will have to be seperated and sequestered from the rest of the family. It's going to suck.

So, today I have to go on a quest for sulphur soap because of the ringworm. Fun.

To go on with the sucktacular week, I dropped the ball on Jonny's kindy physical you know because of the crazy I get, and got an appointment for August 31st. School starts like Sept.2nd or something. I hate living in a military town and dealing with the bullshit healthcare system they have here. If you get sick, you need like a month warning to get seen.

While I'm stressing out about that, Tony walks in from work. The car broke down on him on the way to work. His friend towed him to a lot, he went to work, and a friend gave him a ride home. He got all his tools and went to fix it. Was it fixable? Of course not. He pays to have it towed home. While he's doing this, I'm googling. Everything is pointing to the timing belt, which is BAD BAD NEWS for a foreign car. When a timing belt goes out on a Kia, the gates of hell open up and swallows your soul and the souls of your family members, condemning you all to an eternity of scorching fire. Ok, well not really, but it does fuck up your engine. Not as bad as the fiery depths of hell, but we now may need either a new engine.. or more than likely a new car. There is still a glimmer of hope because when it died it did so with quiet dignity. Not the catastrophic event that makes all your pistons and doohickies in the engine to smash together like a bunch of people in a mosh pit. We may be able to just to change the belt and be ok. Tony and his friends will work on in next week. Which means I've been having to pick him up and drop him off. Waking up at 6:30 when you've gone to bed at 2 sucks.

So pretty suck week huh? BUT WAIT.. THER'S MORE.

On Friday, which was payday I went online to start paying bills. Went to our bank site, logged into our account and someone had stolen $419 out of our checking account. So, I call customer service, and get told that this has been a problem all week. That someone got a hold of visa check card numbers and made fake cards and used them at various 7-elevens and RaceTrack gas stations in Florida. Right before she put me on hold she kind of is talking to herself and says "are you a part of e-statements? Yep, you are." and then she sighs heavily. She also said this in a knowing kind of like the e-statements were the problem kind of thing. What's hilarious is that they had a big push for their e-statements. You couldn't get to your account without a pic of a guy wearing pantyhose on his face with the words "Don't let this guy steal your identity or money! Enroll for E-statements today!" So, I did, and it ended up being the cause of oour problem.

She comes back on the line, tells me all I have to do, and then says we will get "provisional credit" in 2-157 days. So, even though it wasn't OUR fault, even though we fit the profile of rampant fraud being committed, even though Tony had the card in his possession and never uses it online.. EVEN THOUGH WE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.. we'll get our money when the 2nd coming of Jesus happens, or whenever they feel like giving it us. Because.. you know I don't need $419 to pay my bills or get food or anything.

We've just been hanging around the house this weekend because we're afraid a meteor is going to fall out of the sky and crush one of us. Oh damn. I just cursed myself.

When I went to my therapy appointment, I was talking about how I felt stressed about having to constantly find ways to entertain the children. Not that we're doing anything fun, I have to save money for our trip back home in December (A whole 'nother thing bugging me.) and money is limited. But, I think about it a lot, and I do what I can when we can. The therapist asked me what my husband did with the kids, and I just stared at him like he had sprouted a horn and a third nipple right before my eyes. Husband? Kids? Together? Doing... things? Things that don't involve me? After what he was asking sunk in, I collapsed in a fit of giggles right there on his couch. Funny man! Dads doing things with kids. Hilarious!

After my giggle fit, he assured me tha yes, he was quite serious. That when his kids were youger they were HIS on the weekend. He said it was never a question, and he took them out and did things with them every weekend because he was always working. I just stared with wide eyed wonderment at this wonderful thing he was speaking of.

I told my therapist that I was feeling Tony should be more involved, but haven't said anything. This is how an argument goes with Tony.

"Tony, I'm not trying to upset you, but I really think you should clean up the yard"

"Oh my GOD, you think I'm a fucking horrible husband and father and I don't evne know why you stay with me, if everything I do is wrong."

So, yeah you see why I've stopped telling him things. I've gone to being super bitch do as I say and DO IT NOW kind of person, to a really, it's never going to change why bother kind of person, and it really bugs me. When I was a bitch, I got my way but it's exhausting. So, my thinking was.. if I lay off he'll naturally do the things he needs to do, and that blew up in my face because his natural instinct is to be totally selfish and lazy. You know, he continued BEING A MAN, but a man without constant nagging to steer him proper.

So, anyway, I asked the therapist "Well, what about him working all week?" Because, I come a family where the man does what he wants, when he wants, because DAMN IT he worked all week and deserves it. My therapist just shrugged and said "yeah it sucks for the dad, but you know they're not kids forever. Now I have all the time in the world to do what I want."

Trying to fight the urge to make out with my therapist, I left with some things to think about.

Long story short, I had a talk with Tony about it. I feel that especially in our situation, he really needs to make an effort. Since he's come home from deployment, (you know that time he was gone for FIVE MONTHS! That time, where he got to live like a college student for almost HALF A YEAR. You know that time where I was stuck here holding down the fort while he played with guns and got drunk for A HUNDRED A FIFTY DAYS?) he's taken the kids out to do something.. ready for this? TWICE.

Yeah.

He took it well, because I made him work for my talk. When he came home, he could tell I was upset, and I said "Why even tell you, you'll just make it all about how you're a victim" totally passive aggressive but it worked. After about two hours of my pouting and denying him, he was practically BEGGING me to bitch him out. I shall remember this. Of course, he wanted to tell me about the one time recently when he dropped off Aislinn at Girl Scout stuff at the park, and he took Jonny along with him to pick her up. I think I stared at HIM like he sprouted a horn and a third nipple. Wow, congrats.

He said he knew he was slacking, and that he'll try to do better. I'll try to believe it this time and not roll my eyes.

Life has been pretty quiet around. It's summer and the kids are in a never ending mix of fun and boredom. This year, the two kids down the street are allowed to come out and play all day, so that's what they have been doing. Also, we bought them one of those huge pools with a ladder and everything. I am surprised and also a little miffed at how little it gets used. I guess for a kid, it's more fun to hang out with friends in the heat than to play with your sib in the pool. Especially when mean ole mom doesn't let the kids down the street in the pool. Isn't that horrible? I feel guilty and I know I will have to relent eventually, but the thought of four wet and whiny kids in and out of my backyard/pool is enough to give me the vapors. Plus, they've had their pool up for WEEKS and my kids haven't been asked to join them in it. I'm not playing tit for tat, I'm just saying.. I'm not the only mom that doesn't like the idea, thank God.

We've spent some time at the beach, but mainly most out time at home. The kids have been surprisingly ok with that. They watch tv, play with the pets. Even without the Wii (which is on the fritz and sitting in a box waiting to be shipped back for repairs) they've been pretty mellow.
They're older now, and damn if it's not amazing and awesome and super fucking cool.

Jonny was 3 months old when Tony got his vasectomy. Everyone hinted that we would regret that decision. That once Jonny got out of his baby days, we'd want another one. Sure, there are times when I see a baby and my ovaries let loose a plethora of eggs, but it's always short lived. We ARE complete and I know it,and I love it, and I don't want it to change. We got started in the baby making department first out of our group of friends, and while they're doing diaper duty and breastfeeding, their lives on hold for the next few years, we're taking our kids to see Transformers 2 and they were able to sit and enjoy a 2 and a half hour movie without a fuss. No one was scared, or wanted to go home, or cried. When we left we were able to discuss the movie and who we liked and what we didn't like. I was very worried about taking them to see it. It is rated pg-13. But, halfway through the movie I turned to Tony and said "Oh my God, it's AWESOME to have older kids!"

Aislinn is just getting so big. She is growing like a weed. I know when we go to St. Louis next time, people are going to freak out. She's looks so grown up. She's starting to get into my girly things, although her natural stubborn streak makes her fight the urge. But, she is sporting painted nails and toes, although she wants DARK colors. I'm ok with that. She let me put a french braid in her hair. and when she saw it, was very excited and just loved the way it looked.

Jonny is getting big too, but he's still five and the baby and acts like it. He's still my snuggle bug.

Life has been good. My summer depression has showed up, but my family understands (finally!) and gives me a wide berth and a pass when it comes to certain things, and because they've beeen so understanding, I've feel better and willing to do more around here. Tony has been great. He's been getting into cooking more and more. Last night he made us amazing chicken wings. It's nice that once or twice a week, he can take over cooking duty. It cuts back on the eating out when I just feel too tired to cook.

So, it's been fine here, a bit quiet, a lot relaxed, and going well.

So, I don't know how many times I've sat down to write something in this thing, only to get a sentence or two out and then quit. I don't know. My life is just boring I guess. Facebook has sucked the life right out of me.

As I sit here, I worry about Louie. He's crazy allergic to fleas and I don't know what to do. There isn't a medicine out there that repels fleas, other than Advantix and I've read some scary stuff about it, especially for smaller dogs. Also, not once has my vet reccomended it. Frontline works, but if your pet gets a flea, it takes 18 hours of coming in contact with your pet for it to work. So, for 18 hours, Louie is the flea's personal buffet, making him miserable.

If I see him being aggresive with a spot, I'll get the flea comb out and give him a once over, but trying to find one flea on a dog with a wiry top coat, and a thick undercoat is hard. I will admit feeling a great sense of accomplishment when I do find it though and smash that little fucker on the comb, even better if there is an audible pop. I'm gross like that.

Basically, we're treating him with meds to keep his comfort level as close to normal. He has to take a antihistamine twice a day and I have a topical spray that I use when he's really going nuts. He is TERRIFIED of the spray. He runs away. I only used a water bottle as a punishment once before when we first got him. Well, that is until Jonny got a hold of it, and took Louie to the side of the house and sprayed him over and over again, making it a fun game. When I couldn't find them, I yelled for them, and here comes a guilty kid and a very wet and happy dog.

Jonny has been a bit of a pill lately. I'm just so used to him being so good. Tony and I are noticing that Jonny is "that" kid when he plays. The one who can dish but can't take it. He comes runnining in every five minutes wanting to tattle on some kid. Come to find out, it's usually becasue Jonny is being a d-bag. Like, yesterday he came in WAILING saying that the other kids beat him up. Aislinn even came in and said "Yeah they were, I thought they were playing, but they weren't" So, I'm thinking it's the older kids Aislinn was playing with. Tony goes out there and the kid that "beat up" Jonny was smaller than him and he did it because Jonny called him a name. Now, I'm not saying Jonny deserved to get his ass kicked... but.. well... I'm just saying. Really, he didn't get his ass kicked, the kid pushed him down to the ground. That's what happens when you call someone a name. Tough lesson to learn kid. He wasn't really happy when his Dad told him that. He's an antagonizer, then when the kids retaliate, he runs to mom. Usually I tell him to suck it up and if he's going to keep crying he can stay in the house. THat usually works for awhile.

Aislinn has her bridging ceremony tomorrow for Girl Scouts. That's where she leaves the Brownies behind and continues her journey as a Junior. Her leader, who will be her leader in the Juniors asked me if Aislinn even liked Girl Scouts. That was a puzzling question, since I thought it was obvious that she did. Tani said that Aislinn often seemed upset to be there, or not into it. I told her that she is, but she likes crafts and outdoorsy stuff and when it falls into singing or manners or anything she deems too girly eh you're not going to get the most positive of responses. We're thinking that when she moves up it will be more fun for her. First of all, there are THREE girls in her Brownie group. The two other girls are younger than Aislinn, and one of those two girls really pisses Aislinn off. The co-leader sucks as she's all about her daughter and not the other two girls. Her daughter is the kind of kid who always has something "special" planned for each meeting. The kind of kid who cries when she doesn't get her way. You know the kind.

Having Tony home has been nice. We're adjusting but I'll save that for another time.

Quivering with excitement

I am so happy I could burst! Tony goes to work on Friday!! Teehee! It's going to be awesome.

We went from not seeing him for many months to having him home for three straight weeks. It's been awesome and fun, but my shiz is all screwed up. I forgot Aislinn's therapy appointment yesterday, and even though the therapist reminded me before we left about my appointment today, yep almost missed it. I woke up at 10:21 and my appointment was at 10:30. I made it. I stunk and had morning breath, but I made it. Then I spent 45 minutes talking about dog food and how you have to buy the good kind.

Aislinn still has school, and doesn't get out until the 18th. I feel bad for her. That's a long time!! I've been researching some acitivities to break up her summer. I am going to get her a membership to the rec center and get her in some martial arts and pottery I think. She's right at the age where she can start doing all the fun things.

Oh hey ya'll

So, yeah. Lots going on in recent weeks. Mainly, the touching of my things. Funny how possesive a person can become when left to their own devices for many months. Tony will move something and it freaks me the fuck out. I'm being nice about it for the most part, but I am missing a ton of Real Woman dollars from Lane Bryant and that's like throwing out fucking money. I could be buying shit right now, but can't because someone fingered my shit and NOT in a good way.

I bitch of course, but it is nice having my husband home again. He's in total fixer upper mode which is nice. We're discussing paint colors and all that jazz. I'm hoping to get some paint and have him start this weekend. I have found the perfect colors finally. I figure if it looks like ass, we can always repaint.

Our big thing of course was our trip to Disney which was fabulous. We had a great time. Honestly, though we're not Disney people. When I watched grown women weeping over seeing Mickey like he's fucking John Lennon... I rolled my eyes. I didn't scream or get overly excited. We had breakfast with Mickey and the gang and had the misfortune of sitting next to a woman who dressed her baby as Mickey. Everytime a character would come to the table, she would scream their name, get the vapors, pee a little and then faint. When they would come to our table we would give and akward "Hey it's ...." and Aisy would get an autograph, we'd all pose awkwardly, and then sit down. Don't get me wrong, it was fun, but come on.. it's not REALLY Pluto. It's some chick who thought she'd get a job being a Disney Princess, but instead was stuck in a hot, stinky costume, posing with fat families as a giant non speaking dog. The fact of the matter is I am too much of a cynic to get into it. After watching the chinese contortionists, I said quite loudly... BACK to the cages for them. I got a lot of dirty looks. But seriously, I have a feeling I'm not too far from the truth.

I'm making it seem like I went to to Disney to mock it all and that is NOT the case. I got a little teary standing near Cinderella's castle while fireworks went off in the night sky. How many times have we seen that as children on TV and THERE I WAS. Yeah, my sister was the first to graduate from college this year, but I was the first to see that you know? Not that it compares, but I've never had high expectations for myself. It's the best place to spend time with your family. We plan on going again sometime in the next two years. Tony loved it way more than I expected him to.

The other big thing was that I left my family here in Virginia Beach and flew out to see my sister graduate WITH HONORS. It was awesome and I'm crazy proud of her. She's the type of persson who, even though she's graduating at 28 and lots of people in her shoes would be all "c's get degrees" she got honors you know? That's just how she is and that's awesome and she looked totally gorgeous to boot. We had a great time, Dad treated us all to Kobe steak house where they cook the food right there and make you catch food in your mouth and stuff like that. Dad.... well... he doesn't "do" outings, as Bobo put it, it was nice to see him out of the basement, in slacks and black socks no less.

Mostly us girls hung out and laughed a lot, and played with the dogs and drank a ton of coffee. I miss them like crazy.

Hopefully now that life is getting back under control, I'll update this thing more.

I am an idiot

Yes, I am.

I just looked at my Ipod and realized that my husband comes home a day earlier than I thought. Nothing has changed, I was just looking at XXX day and seeing YYY day for like 5 months. Seriously. I have told people up until last night that it was YYY day. (Sorry for the secrecy. I can't actually SAY when on a public site) Even when I went to therapy we sat down and talked about how everyone kept saying we only had X days but I was counting it as XX days.

It's kind of cool because for me, it's like they come home a day earlier.

I haven't written in awhile because Facebook is a time sucking, soul wrenching affair. I can't believe how much time you can spend on FB. FB though is starting to get irritating. I liked FB as a way to keep in contact with my friends from both message boards. I liked reading about Pam's day and then reading about Teri's right after without having to click to the sites. Because you know, now clicking is just TOO much work. Forget writing. I get tired from writing a check. My hand writing, which used to be bad, is now horrendous. Its like a flat line with a hump or a bump occasionally.

Anyway, I don't know it's nice to get the gist of what everyone is doing. REcently though, I've seen a major influx of high school people join and it's just UGH. I'm the kind of person that will hide from school people if I see them out in public. I don't really know why. High school wasn't that great for me. It wasn't that I was teased or harrassed when I think about it. I just felt alone and didn't have many friends.

Don't get me wrong, some of the people I have made friendships with. Like Jeremy, who I only kind of talked to in HS and found out I was kinda mean to him. I don't even remember, but when he recounted it, I blushed furiously on my side of the computer. It reminded me of the episode of 30 Rock when Liz didn't want to go to her HS reunion because the popular girls picked on her. She remembered it as them being snooty and her mumbling some snarky response under her breath. Come to find out, they were terrified of her, and she was the actual bully! The way they remembered it was that they were trying to reach out to her and she actually wasn't mumbling "Nice mole it looks like God pooped on your face" under her breath. Some of the women were in therapy thanks to Liz. Loves it! So, yeah I wasn't very friendly, so that's why I didn't have friends I guess.

Tony and I have talked a lot through IM, and I swear there is something about the internet that makes it easier to say things. Not for me. I have no problems saying anything to Tony. Good or bad. For him though. It's been so nice to hear some of the things he thinks and feels about me and our relationship. When I would ask him face to face, he was put on the spot and I would never get a satisfying answer. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? You bet it does. I figure by the end of his 3 week leave though I'll be more than ready for him to go back to work. Although, I've always enjoyed having him home. The best part is that the kids will be in school for part of the time he's on leave. We'll be alone for three days a week for four hours!! Nice!

We've had Louie for almost six months. What a six months it has been. I credit him for keeping me sane while Tony has been on deployment. He gave me focus and was my project. He's given me a million puppy kisses, and tons of puppy snuggles. He's made me mad, he's made me laugh, but most of all he's made me happy.

As most of you all know. I did a bad thing and got Louie from a pet shop. Before getting him, I was VERY against pet shops, preached the evilness of them, and had a talk with my daughter about how shelter dogs needed a home over a pet shop dog. I had always wanted a Cairn but was against paying a lot of money for a dog. I did kind of research them, and couldn't really find any breeders in my immediate area, came up with nothing My looks around the shelters weren't coming up with anything other than pit bulls or old dogs. I was going to do a rescue cairn, but most won't give a Cairn to someone with young children.

One day, at the mall, we went in. We've done it thousands of times before. I mean, you know the situation, but you can't resisit watching a puppy romp. I've fallen in love with many a puppy in the window, but never, ever, EVER asked a price until I saw Louie. He was in the very first window. No one was looking at him, and he was facing away from the window. I told my husband "OMG that's a Cairn!" and he said "What's a Cairn?" and then wandered off with the kids to look at the other puppies. I tapped the window trying to get his attention. I looked at the big JUST REDUCED AGAIN! sign plastered on the cage. I stood there forever, just to get a glimpse of his face. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to see his face. I had never seen a Cairn in real life, and I wanted to see him. For the first time EVER I asked to see the puppy in the window. My kids were SHOCKED as they have asked a million time in the past and alway got a "No. Let's go."

We got him in one of those rooms, and he turned his personality on, although he didn't stand out. Just a jumpy little puppy. We found out why he had been reduced twice so far. He was four months old, and had lost his puppy cuteness. I think thats common with terrier breeds. They have the puppy cute for such a short time, then they look like mini versions of the adults. People passed him up to look at the Yorkies and Jack Russels and Shih Tzus and Maltese. The little bundles of energy and fluff that makes even the hardest of hearts melt. They had me. I was holding the "reject" puppy. The one no one wanted. Going against everything I knew was right, we left that night to think it over, but we knew we'd be back.

We got there the next day before the store opened. Swallowing my pride, I bought my pet store dog. I even made up elaborate lies to my family as not to seem like a hypocrit. For weeks I thought of reselling him to appease my guilt. On top of that.. he was a boring dog.Yeah I said it. He was boring. He never wagged his tail, he was scared of loud noises, he was lacking all that puppy happiness he exhibited in the cubicle, which I now realize was from just the overwhelming happiness to be OUT OF HIS CAGE!! He didn't know how to play, he didn't want to be held, or petted. A few weeks go by, and he starts to adjust, but he's still pretty surly. I was amazed that he never wagged his tail. I read about dogs and their "happy smile" in a dog training book, and realized in the time we've had him, I've never once seen that face. I would see pics of grinning Cairns and I was sad. I had begun to regret my decision, thinking Karma was punishing me. Oh yeah, I got a Cairn, but a surly, snarly, boring one. One who refused to let you touch him or who looked at you blankly when you threw a ball.

Over time, he learned to walk on a leash, he learned who he could hit up for food, he became more family oriented. I remember the first time he wagged his tail at a time other than upon our return home. We were out playing in the yard. He was wagging his tail and PLAYING. He learned fetch, he learned NO bite, and NO bark. He kinda got better at pottying outside. Then came our first trip to the dog park. I saw his first smile. Although happy, I was heartbroken that he would never do that at home. That was almost 2 months after getting him.

I loved him anyway. He is my heart. He slowly became my velcro dog. He started sleeping wtih me, comforting me while husband was away. He is surprisingly obedient, amazingly laid back for a Cairn and he had never chewed on anything of signifigance. He loves to do his tricks, he's pretty tolerable of the kids, he loves the cat, and after awhile with us, one day his tail started wagging, and hardly ever stops. Recently, he's started running to me with a huge smile on his face, panting just happy to be a part of the family. Six months it took for him to adjust. But, I know that at least once a day, I'll see that smile.

It just goes to show how horrible the puppy mill business is (although I have contributed to it). I had a dog that didn't know how to be a dog! Even at 4 months old. He got skittish around metal noises which I assume comes from being in a cage most his life. If we even so much as touch the fireplace screen, he would bark and freak. He does that still, but it has since turn to a game. It's the best way to guarantee and panting happy pup.I don't know. I just felt the need to get it out. He had come over to me to play "fiesty" which is just rough housing and hand biting. It's amazing because he knows when he does it too hard, and if he forgets I just say "easy" or put my face down for a lick and he goes back to being gentle. I was just struck with the difference between the 4 month old who was stand offish to the dog who jumps up on the couch, plants his fat paws on my chest and gives me kisses to I beg him to stop.