Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Mean girl

I am a mean girl.

I can't help it. I don't know why, you'd think after years of being teased in grade school, I'd know better, but I can't help it. If I don't like someone, the dislike, it takes hold fairly quickly and fairly strongly. Sure, there have been a few people that have managed to change my mind. Roxie, Mike's wife for one. I didn't like her the first time I met her, but now she is one of my best friends. That had to do with listening to what someone else had to say about her that was never anything positive for years. I had never met her, but was told about her from her so called best friend, and none of it was nice. So, that colored my opinion. But, she is the sweetest person, and I can't believe someone can talk smack about her. That's like talking smack about a rabbit, or a unicorn. Fucking bunnies with their noses, and fluffy butts. Damn unicorns, thinking they're all high and mighty with their... um.. horns. See? Doesn't work does it? Same thing with Roxie.

Recently I read the Twilight series, that is amazing by the way. Those of you mourning Harry Potter. Go get you a dose of Edward. Anyway, there is a phenomenom in the book that involves werewolves. (yes werewolves too! I am telling you, read the books!) called imprinting. That is where they are walking along one day doot da doot da do, and then BAM they make eye contact with a female, and all of sudden they're hearts are instantly intertwined. Even if... er um they're babies. But, not sexually when they're babies, it goes beyond lust, as it's just an intense love, and protectiveness. Anyway, that how I liken my dislike for people. Once it's been imprinted into my soul, not much is going to change it.

It's a characteristic that I do not like in myself. Not everyone I dislike does it ever go that far (again Roxie) there are people I dislike in general that I am more than able to tolerate and even be friendly with in a social gathering. There are some though, there are some that just can't do anythign right in my eyes. No matter how positively I try to act around them, that mean girl sneaks in and I can barely contain my mocking tone, my air of disdain, and over all aloofness.

One might point out that it's not so hard to be nice. For some it is, but for me, I can not help it. I have tried to like or at the very least tolerate these imprinted people but it always ends up in failure. I feel shame for feeling glee at their failures, or their attempts to do things I think they may be doing because I did them first.

It's an ugly trait, one I am not proud of, but one that may not ever change.

No comments: