Sunday, August 12, 2007

Sometimes I feel times haven't changed that much, especially for us stay at home moms. It's a choice we've all made, and we're lucky to have that choice in this day and age.

We're expected to cook, clean, care for kids, shuttle around the city, buy the groceries, pay the bills, and then be sex vixens at night. We're expected to be supportive of our husbands, and not complain too much since we don't do anything that brings in income. This is the "dream" we had as a couple before kids. I believed strongly in staying home with the kids when we chose to have them, and so did Tony. We both had moms that stayed home, and we thought we were better people for it. My life took a strong turn when my mom started to work again when I was 11. I got a lot more repsonsibility, and I swore that I would do whatever it took to not my kids feel like "mini parents"

When the time came for me to decide to stay home, Tony and I discussed the situation. I was afraid that he would take advantage of the situation. He swore he wouldn't. As time went on, he has and it bothers me. He was always a great husband and father. While worked at night, he stayed home with Aislinn, changing her diapers, feeding her dinner, and being there for her. That all kind of stopped when I stayed home, until finally, he became just another person for me to care for.

On one hand, I understand the situation. He works 12 plus hours a day at times, six days a week, plus going to school. When the time comes for him to have some alone time, he takes it. Yet, on the other hand, it bothers me. Just little things. Like always wanting to the kids to go to my SIL's house during the weekends. I hate that he sees them as nuisances. He claims he can't get shit done schoolwork wise when they're here. It bothers me that he can't see that they bother him for one reason only.... they miss him.

Last night he insisted the kids go to my SIL house. We've had a busted AC all day, and he was concerned about the heat. I knew that once we got home, the AC would be fine. (It froze during the night) He said "No, it won't" We come home, and lo and behold, it's fine. So, the kids went there for no reason. On the way home, he said he wanted to play golf today. I just got really quiet. He asked me what was wrong and I told him "Well, I thought we could spend some time as a family tomorrow, you know get a few things done, spend some time with the kids, hang out. It's been SUCH a stressful week with Shannon being in the hospital, and you working so much, I just want to be a family together for one day" He patted my leg and said "You're right, I should stay home and be a family together." Then I said "I understand where you';re coming from and if you feel you REALLY need to go then that's fine. It shouldn't be an all day thing right?" He assured me it should take 2-3 hours tops.

We decided to eat dinner out, and the whole time I kept just zoning out. Hurt over the fact that he chose to do something else today than be with us. He kept asking me what was wrong, and not wanting to ruin the hour we had together before he came home to do homework, I just smiled and shook it off. We came home, and I felt guilty over being home without the kids.

He did his homework, and came upstairs. I cleaned the kitchen and did a few things around the house. WE went to bed, and he got handsy, and I told him it was too hot to do anything.

He left today at one to go play, and it's about 6:30 now. So much for three hours huh?

My heart feels broken today. If I think about it to hard, I feel like crying. Aislinn starts school tomorrow, and he isn't here. The kids keep asking me where he is, when is he coming home, why did he leave, and what am I supposed to say?

So, I sit here, quietly cleaning the house, when he promised me he'd help me. I am cooking dinner. He's out hanging with his buddies.

I won't yell, I won't scream. I'll just kindly keep my legs closed tonight and tell him, just like I tell Aislinn, every choice comes with consdequences. You knew how I felt, and you chose not to hear me. End of story.

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