Yesterday, Tony and seemed to hash things over the golf. We got along well last night, even if we didn't speak much. But, that's been our life for the last few months. Hardly speaking. Him tired from work and school, me tired with dealing with kids and TRYING to keep some sempblance of order in this house.
Last night, he brought up a dinner he had mentioned about a month ago. It's a dinner for families of the recruiters. He asked me if I remembered he'd be late tonight. I said "No, why?" He brought up the dinner, and said "Would you like to go" I volunteered for a neighbor to keep her two kids after school, and I would be unable to make it, as the dinner starts at 6 and is an hour away, and she picks her kids up at 5:45. I asked why he didn't remind me, and he just kind of shrugged it off, and just said he TOLD me about it.
He went off to do his work stuff. He has a big inspection today, and had to hem some pants and do a few things. I brewed some coffee to sit up, like I always do, waiting for him to go to bed. I always try to go to bed when he does. 12:30 rolled around, and we finally laid down to sleep.
While laying there, we chatted briefly, about nothing special, and then I said "I was hoping to spend some time with you tonight" when I could tell chatting and having pillow talk wasn't on his mind. He just said "I'm trying to go to sleep since I have to get up soon"
Well, there I was hopped up on caffeine, feeling so very much alone. Listening to his soft snores just really upset me, and I got to thinking about the direction of our lives and how this all came about. Around 2 I got out of bed, got dressed, and sat down to write out how I felt.
This is what I came up with:
Tonight, I waited up for you, like I do everynight. I wait around for you to finish up the stuff you have to get done every night. I don't know why I do this, but I just feel bad when you have to stay up so late for homework, or work, or whatever.
So, I stay up, hoping to have a few minutes of quiet time with you. The last couple of months, have been rough on me. Your time is slowly being whittled away, minute by minute. I try to be understanding, as I know the majority of it is not your fault. With each minute that gets whittled away, it seems like a piece of you gets taken too. You just have nothing left for me it seems. I've tried to roll with this the best I can, but lately it all seems too much.
Saturday, the kids were gone and we hardly spoke once we got home from dinner. You were up until midnight doing homework, while I waited. The last few Saturdays the kids have been gone have been this way. You said you wanted to have sex, but yet nothing in your demeanor or actions or even your words let me know that was the plan. You never vocalize your wants, but are alway quick to throw them at me when we argue. That's not fair.
The truth is... I feel ignored and upappreciated. Honestly, I don't know what you can do or say to make this better, and if I did know, telling you would defeat the purpose I think. I know that when you get home from work, I am not the most loving person. I'm tired too. I know you think that me staying home is easy, when you come home, the house is always a mess and stuff. But, it's hard. I have no social interaction during the day except with kids. It's hard taking them anywhere becuase they act up, espeically when together. Everything I do, is with at least one child attatched at my hip. I'm usually aggravated to the bone with those two, and just worn out from the stuff I can get done by the time you get home. In the evening, yes I am on the computer, chatting with my friends. When you think about it though, that's the only socialization I get. I talk to them probably even more than I talk to you. Which when you think about it, is really sad.
I used to try to show you love and affection, to be your soft place to fall from a hard day at work. It used to work in getting some affection back, but it seemed like over time, you just started taking and not giving. Then I stopped, and we're just like two ships passing in the night, with hardly a word, except in annoyance.
I'm not laying the blame all at your feet. I know that I'm to blame as well. I just no longer feel like the beautiful most loved woman you used to make me feel like. I feel that in the big scheme of things, I'm last on the list of things that need tending to. One more thing you have to "do" to keep your world turning.
It really hurt me that you forgot to tell me about this dinner. It really did. I don't know why you would do that to me. I'm sure you'll say it wasn't intentional, and I'm sure it wasn't, but it just goes to show, in my opinion, how little you think of me in these last few months, how little you see me as your partner in life and in love, as your equal. I can not express the hurt I felt. I went through the whole range of reasons why... is it because he's ashamed of me? Is it because he doesn't like me much anymore? What did I do wrong?
I hate to bring all this up during our "mending" process from the huge blow out we recently had. I realize that marriage is not all wine and roses, and lovey dovey snuggle time. I know we have to have rough times to help us recognize and appreciate the good times, but it just seems like the good times.... well, they're getting fewer and farther in between the rough.
I layed there, listening to you sleep, and all I felt was alone. Once again, I stayed up, waiting for you, and you weren't there for me. More and more nights, you fall asleep, exhausted from your day, and rightly so I might add, only to leave me in the dark, pondering what it is that is going on with us. Maybe I am just reading more into something that is really quite simple. Who knows, but you don't lay there night after night feeling what I feel. Which is that my husband no longer loves, cares or appreciates me. I even told you before you fell asleep that I wanted to spend time with you, and your response was "I'm trying to sleep, since I have to get up soon" Even me TELLING you isn't good enough anymore.
I don't know what this letter is going to do. If you'll be mad, or upset, or if it will be the boost you need to tell me that Hey you know what? I DON'T love you anymore. I don't know what to tell you to make it better either.
I just want you to know I'm HERE Tony. I've been here through it all, through the seperations and the moving, and the long hours, and the school. I always have been, and every night I WILL try to stay up with you, to let you know that I am here for you. I just need you to SEE me. See me Tony. I am here. Love me like you once did. Please. Without your love, I am nothing.
Love your wife
I took the note, and stuffed it on the pocket of his uniform pants, that he had hung so neatly by the door. And ironic symbol of our life actually. The uniform so neat, freshly laundered and pressed. If you knew Tony, you'd know that's the only thing he keeps with care. His uniform, his job, his work record. Whereas anything else gets thrown on the floor with little care of where it lands. His civilian clothes, his marriage, his civilian life. It's like the only thing he can focus on is the Navy.
I knew he wouldn't put the uniform on until he got to work, and since he was leaving early, I wouldn't see him, and have the urge to tell him to check his pockets. Iw as awake even though I had been up until almost four with thoughts running through my head. He came and gave me a quick peck, said goodbye, and I mumbled "I love you" like I was still asleep, and no response. That hurt. He trailed his fingers down my back, and left.
I've waited all day by the phone, willing the phone to ring, to see if he got my letter. He hasn't called yet.
The doorbell rang, and there was a man standing there with flowers, roses actually. I'll admit I felt a thrill seeing those in his hands, known they were for me. The card said "I'm sorry for being so neglectful, I do love you"
I decided to read my letter again, since I pretty much dashed it out, and stuffed it in his pocket. I re read it, and I surprised myself with how much emotion I had put into the letter. I am also a little embarrassed that at the end I practically pleaded to be loved. But, that's how I feel so, I guess I shouldn't be ashamed. I guess we sometimes have to sacrifice our pride to get it all out there.