Thursday, July 19, 2007

Life at the ranch has been anything but fun. My seasonal depression has hit full blown. Just one more month to get over and done with then I should be ok again. It's hard, going three months out of twelve feeling the way I've been feeling. At least this year, with the meds, I'm only slightly crazy, as opposed to last year this time when you couldn't look at me without me screaming for twenty minutes. Basically, it's like I have pms ALL the time. I sleep more, I need to be alone more, I yell more, I'm lazier, moodier, more paranoid and anxious. All my healthful ways have gone down the toilet. I lost 14 lbs only to gain back half of it in two months.

So, this is DEFINETLY not the time for Tony's work to be so stressing. He's working 10 hours a day six days a week, coming home, doing homework and then going to bed. It's been wearing me down. Not so much becuase I need him here to HELP me, I just need HIM to be HIM. The him I knew before all this shit at work started going down. I know this sounds horribly selfish, as I know he's the only doing the work, and getting yelled at and all that jazz (insert jazz hands here) but, it's been hard on all of us. People are always quick to point out that he's the one who's working, but they don't see Aislinn crying at 9 at night wondering when he's going home, or the kids crying in the window on a Saturday as they watch him leave. It's all too much.

Between work, school, kids, and misc stuff, this has left no time for the two of us. Which sucks.

Today though, he came home, and he rubbed my back and massaged a little. He said he was sorry that he hasnt been giving me enough attention (which is amazing since with all the bitching I've been doing, I never told him that out of pride) and that he will try harder.

Those words were like a band aid for my heart. It had gotten bad, with me sleeping in the living room and everything. Everything our marriage USED to be, was now the opposite, and I didn't know how to deal. He being a man, thought everything was ok. Men=stupid.

It had gotten so bad, I discussed today with my friends where I could go and take the kids. I thought about actually LEAVING him over this.... this... not there thing he had going on.

I think though we may be on an upswing. We only have three more months and then we're out of here.

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