Friday, July 13, 2007

Tony is mad at me. Really, really mad at me. Honestly, I can't remember when he's been this mad at me. He's not one to hold a grudge, but he seems to be doing just that.

Big sigh.

Today, my sisters and I wanted to go see Harry Potter. I told them that I had no idea when Tony would be home. We said if we couldn't make it today, we'd go tomorrow. After talking about it with Tony, and Tony saying he'd probably leave from work around 6, since he had three days of late nights. Which means he should have gotten home around 7:3o at the latest. Of course, that doesn't happen, and we miss the movie. Not really a BIG deal, but annoying.

When shit like this happens, I can't help but feel trapped. Trapped in this whole thing with no way out. I love my husband, and I love the life we have, but it gets TIRING. I get tired of having to constantly put my life on hold for his job. With the military, our family will never come first, and I have ten very long years of this ahead of me.

When he came home he asked if I was going. I said no and told him he needed to be home earlier blah blah blah etc. He offered to take me tomorrow, and I declined and said that my sisters and I are still going. But, here is where it gets bad. He got mad at ME for being disappointed. I didn't yell, sure I was upset, and irked, but I wasn't mean about it, or bitchy. I just told him I wasn't going and why. He stomps around and acts all pissy, and once again, makes life about him again. I don't care what he thinks about himself, but he is a fucking drama whore. My sister asked me to call him again, and I was like Ummm well, no, and she jokingly said I was scared of my husband. I said "WEll, yeah, I am becuase this job makes him like a bitch, and anything can set him off" I don't want to pester him when he's already stressed, and I DON'T want to be yelled at. I'm not afraid for my life, but I've just learned it's just not worth arguing over it, as there is nothing he can do about it, and me bringing MY needs to the forefront only makes him feel worse, and he lashes out at ME since he can't lash out anywhere else. It really, really sucks. The space between us is getting bigger and bigger. I've stopped fighting for me and the family, and he's taken full advantage of that.

We get into it a bit, and I apologized for not booking two montsh in advance. He said if I had just TOLD him earlier (I did) then it wouldnt have been an issue. I told him maybe if he hadnt stopped by the house today, and farted around, he could have gotten his shit done and been home at a decent hour. I told him I didn't want anything from him but a fucking apology, and maybe for once, when he sees Im TRYING to be patient and understanding he not get mad at me for being disappointed.

God, Im so mad I cant even fucking get this story out right.

Anyway, he cooled down, and then apologized and all was good. We started to watch a movie. The Farmer Astronaut and there is a scene where the wife is yelling at her DH thatthe whole family is investing so much into this "dream" that only serves one person in the end.

I couldn't help it.

I know I shouldn't have said it.

But, I did.

I blurted out "Amen sister!"


His neck swiveled around so fast at me, I immediately felt flushed. He had a bag of cheetos, and he threw them down on the floor, and stormed off.

I will admit though... as much as I know that was a below the belt punch, it felt good.

This is what my marriage has become. We used to be a couple who would duke it out if something went wrong. Something inside me has just up and died and has resorted to pissy little comments to get my point across. It's unfair, it's low, it's bitchy, but I just can't help it. I dont know if I've accepted that nothing I say will matter, and I have more bitterness about it then I should or what. I hate this, and I hate what our marriage has become. It has gotten increasingly worse in the last few months. I'm just one in a long line of people that need something from him.

He's not talking to me, and I can't say I blame him.

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