The same thought running through my head

"Before long, I won't be able to do this with Tony for six whole months"

It doesn't matter WHAT we're doing. Watching a movie, having sex, eating dinner together, cleaning the house, having a laugh, playing with the kids, whatever.

It's getting close that time he leaves, and although I feel very "been there, done that" about it all, and I'm sure my non chalance has made more than one person scratch their heads in confusion, I am very sad. The thing is though, we knew this time would come eventually (although not so damn soon!) and there is nothing to do but to "Suck it up Buttercup" to quote Jonny.

For some reason as well, this deployment doesn't fill me with the dread of six months of being ALONE, becuase now, I'm not alone. I have my TWO kids now, and I'm not working a job that both angers and depresses me, the oldest is in school, which will break up the monotony of the day, and we're in a "new" place that will offer us a lot of exploring while Daddy is gone.

Before, when Tony left, I went back to Saint Louis. The first time was because I was newly pregnant with Aislinn, and I didn't want to have the baby alone. The second time, I probably could have really stuck it out here, but my job was so taxing and tedious, and so full of drama, I took a leave of absence, using the whole "I'm scared to be alone" excuse to get away for a few months. Funny enough, being away showed me how much I truly HATED that job, and how much I loved being home with Aislinn, so I quit! Best choice I have made in a long time.

Ultimately though, I know I'll be ok because I'm ok now mentally. I know that I am strong enough and can handle it. I always cringe when people tell me how brave I am when he's gone, because really, how brave WAS I? I ran home to my parents everytime it got hard. It feels good to finally stand on my own two feet, with both my kiddies by my side, and doing what a REAL military wife does.

Dear God, it's me Sandi....

So as you probably know God, I was thinking about you while I was out driving around looking for that chicken place. II had a moment to myself, and my wandered to you. Thanks for having our back with the whole housing allowance thing. You did the best you could, and although not the ending we were expecting, it's a satisfying ending none the less. So thank you for that. I thought since you helped us with that, you know I wouldn't ask you to help me find the chicken place. I just came home empty handed and let Tony do it. I thought you did enough, and he hasn't done much of anything today.

God, I think you know that in the big scheme of things, I believe in you. I don't think you're some old white guy in flowing white robes, piercing blue eyes, and long white hair. I think of you more of an... energy. An unseen force if you will, allowing us to live our lives the way we want, with very little interference from you.

You know that I don't even consider myself a "christian" in the mainstream way of the word, and I think you're cool with that. I like to think of you as a forgiving and benevolant kind of God, I sometimes think of Earth as one big Sims game for you where you click on us all and make us pee, and go to work, and have a chuckle at our crazy antics. You leave us on free will, and are saddened when we make our mistakes but, allow us to live with our consuquences when we do, and you are happy and proud when we do something that is nice and caring, and allow us to live with the consequences that those decisions give us. I think you do answer prayers, but not silly ones. Earnest ones, and those prayers that go unanswered are opportunities. Tests, to see if we can make it or break from it all. Maybe that idea will change if, heaven forbid I get tested in a major way, like a death of child, or my husband, but for now I kind of get what you're trying to do.

I am not religious, and don't believe I need to go to church to be close to you. I do think that there are some people, a lot of people that love church for legitimate reasons, yet I don't think you are dissappointed in those that don't attend. I don't think you are the kind of God that needs to have your ego stroked, and that singing your praises is the way into heaven. You just seem to me to be above all that you know? I mean you've been around the block a few gajillion times, and singing "How great thou art" would probably start to get old. I mean, if Tony sang to me "Brown eyed girl" once, then I'd be touched. But, if he sang it to me everyday, or like once a week even, well then it would still be a nice gesture, but loses it's meaning over time.

I think you delight in those that find you and revere you in more subtle, and everyday ways. Teaching our children to be open minded and loving of all people. Finding someone and falling in love. Leading a good life, and by good I mean, happy, even if there is never enough money, or enough time, or enough of anything, except love and happiness. I truly believe in the saying "God helps those who help themselves". You would rather us try hard at this thing called life, find where we fit, and give us nudges if we need them. Isn't that true for everyone though? Wouldn't we all rather help those who are truly trying, and just need a lift? If someone was kneeling at my door day in and out begging me for something, I'd tell them all the energy they are using to BEG me could go toward getting what they want themselves. I think if I did that, you'd give me a high five, and say "Damn Right".

So, I don't know what it is I'm trying to say. Just that, I know you're there, and just wanted to say thanks. Everyone appreciates a pat on the back. I thought I would give you one. Maybe that's silly of me, but somehow I don't think you think it is.

Merry Christmas!!

I was kind of dreading Christmas this year, as this would be our first Christmas without family EVER. Well, not EVER now that I think about it, we did go home late one Christmas, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, can I say it hasn't been bad? I won't say that I LOVE it. But, we've all hung out in our sloppy clothes, playing with toys, and eating junk. Aislinn was so worried about what she would DO all day, and when she was in the mix with all her new stuff I said "OMG Aislinn what are you going to DO ALL DAY?" and she gave me her mean face but smiled.

I made home made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, with turkey bacon and eggs. Turkey bacon is AMAZING I love it more than regular bacon. Mmmm. I got new pots and pans for Christmas and it was so nice not having to worry about stuff sticking to the pan, and then rinsing it out easily. I used my new George Foreman grill I got from my mom to make the bacon. So easy! All of it red, the grill and my new pots and pans.

I got my ham in the oven. We'll eat in a few. I'm hungry!!

I've been feeding myself every cliche in the book this last month. Let's see there has been "What doesn't kill us make us stronger" and "Every cloud has a silver lining" and the the good ole "It's in Gods hands" "Fake it till you make it " Blah blah blah. All those little things we tell ourselves to get us through another day.

I can't deny it anymore, I am under a LOT of stress right now. Between the move, the money, Christmas, being homesick and lonely, and Tony's impending deployment, I can longer fake the funk. I can't pretend it all away. I can't be positive to get positivity in return. Sometimes, you know, life just SUCKS, and as much as I'm trying to roll with the punches (oh yeah that's another one!) The punches are landing, and leaving welts that I can no longer leave unattended. Each hit, is breaking open the pissiness wound that is barely being held together with my rainbow and sunshine bandage.

On top of it all, I've been feeling a lot of pressure from not doing my "wifely"duty. Tony hasn't been pressuring me because he's SO not that way, but it's mostly myself. Knowing that it has been so few and far between, and seeing that look in his eyes when I come to bed. It's just too much. Last night though. I was ready... until he walked in, and tried to hold me and I just felt nothing but sheer panic. I felt trapped, clausterphobic, anxious and not in that quivering love pudding, kind of way. Next thing I know, I'm clutching the pillow to my face, and yelling "The pressure, the pressure is too much! The pressure" Poor Tony. I tried to explain it to him but what came out was "I was ready until you got in here" Which he took as "You totally disgust me in every way shape and form" I could see the hurt in his eyes, and I just felt BAD.

We turned the light off, and tension was palpable. I asked him if he was mad, of course he said No, that the last thing he wanted to do was pressure me. I asked if he was hurt, and that answer was a longer time in coming, and he finally said yes. I laid there my chest to his back, and curled my face under his shoulder blade, and felt nothing but sorrow for hurting the one person I love more in the world. Hurting him, and not knowing WHY I felt this way.

That's when the thoughts started rushing in. Deployment, pay shortage, Christmas, bills, lonliness, homesickness, bam, bam, bam hitting me, each one like a physical punch to my mental gut. Next thing I knew, my lip was quivering, my breath started catching, and I was in full sob mode.

I sobbed for an hour, and blurted out all the things I was worried about, and had been keeping inside. I also had a mini panic attack, and hyperventilated, unable to catch my breath, which freaked me out even more. Every sentence starting with a sob filled "What if" or "I don't know" or "What can we do". Tony just holding and making calming noises while I verbally purged all the shit that has been making me FEEL like shit the last six weeks or so. I was in a state in which I hadn't been in a long time. Even when I thought I was done crying, I'd start all over again. When the actual sobs stopped, my eyes still leaked, as if to say "Hey, there has been quite a back order, and we need to get these OUT!"

I've barely cried since before the move. I held it in the best I could. A few times the tears threatened, but I always pushed them aside, telling myself that this is what happens when you live the life we do. But it all came to a head last night, and it cleared the air between Tony and I.

I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of positivity. Refreshed, and feeling ok. Knowing that all would be ok in the world. That is until this evening when I looked up Tony's pay for the first. The pay that was supposed to be back pay for all the shit we were not given, only to see that it was WRONG AGAIN, becuase of a dumb clerical error. The lady put in a ST. Louis zip code instead of our zip code, and that is a big difference a month in housing. So once again I'm left scrambling.

Sigh.

Ew. Is there anything worse than questionable meat? I pulled pork chops out for dinner, and once I opened them to get started... they smelled weird. I don't know if its just a general weird meat smell, or a start the Christmas holiday off with ass piss kind of smell, so I just chucked it just to be safe. So, now I'm sitting here waiting for the chicken to defrost so I can make chicken fingers. I could go the healthy route and do a chicken and broccoli stir fry, but fuck it, it's cold and I need umami* damn it.

Tony is currently playing Wii, and I'm trying REALLY hard not to tear the controller from his hands. We both got new games yesterday. Both of them extremely involved and addicting. I let him play since I had like shit to do. The house hadn't been picked up yesterday from all the game fun, so I had to get that done today.

I'm finding it oddly easier to pick up THIS house than the old house. The only reason I can think of is that 1. Bedrooms are UPSTAIRS. So none of the bedroom mess gets spilled over into the other parts of the living areas. 2. This house is a lot smaller, so when it gets messy it's much more noticeable, and 3. I've been mommy bad ass with the rules, and keeping the kids from tearing everything up. It's been nice.

Yesterday, the kids (and Tony) got to spend their gift cards at Wal-Mart from my sister yesterday. Jonny went the "Buy one big toy" route and Aislinn went the "How much CRAP can $20 buy me?" Which I was pretty sure was going to happen. She had fun though, so that's all that matters. My sister even told me I couldn't tell her she couldn't get stuff. She had to buy whatever her little heart desired, even if it is all junky and already lost.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umami

Umami is one of the proposed five basic tastes sensed by specialized receptor cells present on the human tongue.[1] The same taste is also known as xiānwèi (traditional Chinese: 鮮味; simplified Chinese: 鲜味) in Chinese cooking. Umami is a Japanese word meaning "savory" or "meaty" and thus applies to the sensation of savoriness—specifically, to the detection of glutamates, which are especially common in meats, cheese and other protein-heavy foods. The action of umami receptors explains why foods treated with monosodium glutamate (MSG) often taste "fuller".

I had one of those days, where you feel like all you've done is run around the house, doing this,and doing that, but when I look around, you can't tell. You can't tell I did a damn thing.

My life is so snooze fest boring right now. It really is. With little money to actually go out and do things, we've been pretty much home bound. This weekend we did got to Breakfast With Santa at Aislinn's school. It was nice. We had a very school cafeteria breakfast, with hot microwaved pancakes, and mystery meat sausages, stewed apples to make it "healthy" and a frozen juice. It wasn't SUPPOSED to be frozen, but it was frozen none the less. All of it was surprisingly tasty.

The kids had their pics with Santa, and I liked it because it only cost a dollar. Suck it mall Santa! With your overblown prices, and long long line, and your surly attitude. Aislinn's art teacher was the photographer, so she made sure that the kids were at least looking in the general direction, even if Santa had to forcibly hold Jonny's hands away from his face.

Before we left, we were trying to get a feel for what the kids were going to ask Santa for. If they wanted something extravagant, we'd nix it in some way. Aislinn is totally testing the "Is Santa real or not" theory. She asked for a pony, a laptop, a second wii, and some other outlandish things. Finally she ended up asking "If Santa knows everything I do, why do I have to ask? He should just KNOW" Damn. I was hoping to be able to get another year or two before this started up. Before I could "guide" her on what to ask for, but this year, that wasn't happening. As if that wasn't bad enough, she ended up asking for something off the wall. A stretchy sea turtle, like the kind she got from the little shop at the campgrounds one year. GREAAAT. Thanks to the power of the internet though, I was able to find one.

Jonny on the other hand, he showed Tony FIVE things he was going to ask for. Tony explained you could only ask for ONE thing, which Jonny thought was a crock of shit, because he started in with the whining. When Santa asked what he wanted he replied in a surly reply "Daddy said I could only ask for ONE thing" Which cracked us all up. He asked for the Geo Trax train set.

Then we went out to the mall to get our family ornament. This is something we've done every year since 2003. We looked around, and didn't see anything we could agree on. Finally, Jonny holds up a little ornament and asks "How bout this one?" It was perfect. Two bears on a wreath, then you bought extra bears to hang off of it. Too cute!

We get home, and that starts the search for the shit they asked for. Of course, we had neither of the things they wanted. The only place online that had the Geo Trax was Amazon for a hundred dollars. I freaked out! First, I can't spend a hundred dollars on ONE toy, and two, I wouldn't spend a 100 dollars on one toy even if I had the money. Tony found the ad Jonny was looking at, and it was the current ad. It had the train in the Toys R Us ad for 35 dollars with BONUS cars. I sent him out, and he got the last one. Luck was on our side.

I'm very proud of Aislinn on a totally different note. Since starting this school in Va, she is doing AMAZINGLY. She even comes home and asks to do her homework right away. She's finally learned to get it done when she walks in the door, she is free for the rest of the afternoon/evening. She gets home so early that there is plenty of play time left. She gets home around 2:45 and was done with homework by 3:05. She has take home reading a few nights a week. She brings a little book home on Mondays. When she brought the book home today, it was an Advanced REading book,a nd she READ it. I had to sign a slip of paper saying I give permission for her to take the AR reading quiz so she can move to the next level. I hope she passes. I told her how proud of her I was, and I told her she was officially a reader! She said "But, mom I will never be a book worm like you". I told her she didn't have to be, that a lot of people aren't readers, but become them later in life. She looked at me like I was nuts, like who would WANT to spends hours reading other than her dorky mom.

We signed her up for art classes and for Girl Scouts. I want her to have things to look forward to while Tony is gone. Also, it will break the week up for us I'm sure.

Well, that is my boring update and entry.

So, Tony is off of work until January 5, and as much as I know I need to be all clinging to him in desperation until he leaves, I can't help but be a little stand offish, by a little I mean snapping "Why are you all in my face right now?" in disgust. Becuase even though my mind and heart know that he is leaving soon, and that I need to spend every precious moment I have memorizing every line and freckle on his face, my body doesn't give a shit right now, because I have pms, and when those three little letters are present, it takes your mind and heart, and it gags them, and throws in a very dark cellar, where it then makes them put the lotion on the skin or it will give them the hose again.

It sucks, it's horrible timing, but what can I do? Its out of my hands.

I plan here in a bit to make my frist trip to the commisary. That is a scary thought. It's pay day, and it will be crowded. If I wait until Monday there is a possibility there will be no food left.

PMS and crowded food shopping, I see many many bad things happening.

I am going to get a LOT of crap about this.

I am playing right into my sister's hands ya'll.

But, why are cats so damn funny?

Sometimes, when I'm bored, and have nothing better to do, and it's quiet, and the kids are asleep, I like to go to http://icanhascheezburger.com/. I crack up, like that silent, doubled over laughter, tears streaming down my face. Which then usually sends Tony over to see what I am laughing at, and that sets us both off.

Cats are funny. What can I say?

Be careful for what you wish for.

So, we found out today, that Tony will be going out to sea for six months within the next few weeks. This has been a complete surprise. We haven't been here for even a full month, and we've already been thrown this curve ball. It's sad, but I am resigned already to deal with it the best I can. Really, what other option do I have you know?

The thing is, for awhile, I've been worried about our finances. For the first time in our ten year marriage we have credit card debt. Debt that we can't seem to pay off. We can always pay over each month, but not a lot. We're not behind, and we're not under the crushing weight of debt, but we do have more than I would like to have. This going out to sea will more than likely take care of all of that, but it just sucks that it has to be THIS way. Why couldn't it be with a bonus or something. Tony was actually due a bonus but got screwed out of it, becuase his old recruiting command needed him to re-enlist early, and becuase he did, he didn't get his bonus. He missed it by less than 30 days. Luckily we didnt know this until WAY after he re-enlisted so we were never expecting the money, but knowing he would have gotten a few thousand dollars and he didn't, for essentially being accomodating, is really irksome.

For some reason, Tony gets the WORST luck with the Navy. I haven't met anyone else that has had as money pay issues as we've had. I haven't met anyone that has had their orders changed... TWICE in less than a month, each time getting worse with each change. Even his friend today mentioned that he just has the WORST luck. He really does. I am not saying this in a woe is me kind of way, it's just the truth.

I know that we will be fine. I am really ok with all of this. I am thankfully to be on my Cymbalta because if I wasn't, I know I would be freaked out. If I think about it too hard, I feel sick and I want to cry, but I try really hard not to.

Yet, I can't help but be a bit bitter with Tony. All this turmoil, stress, etc all so he can continue doing what he loves to do. I was going to start my transcriptioning classes at the beginning of the year, and those will have to wait. I just hate having to always put my life on hold. I can't help when is it going to be MY turn?

It may sound selfish, but this has been ten years dealing with this, with another ten more to come.

I so should be in bed right now, but the quiet... good Lord, it's intoxicating!! I just love sitting here without someone up my ass literally. Jonny loves to run into my ass all day long. I'll be standing at the counter, or at the washer and feel a bump, and he's run at me and bumped my ass with his head. He's weird.

Although, today it's weird because today he got shy about showing his little penis to Aislinn. We were changing his pull up, and Aislinn walked by and stopped just to hang out I guess, and he covered himself up, and said "No, I don't want Aislinn to see my ding ding" So I blocked it from her view with my hand, and said "Aislinn your brother would like some privacy, can you move over there please?" It was cute, but I wonder if bath tomorrow will be an issue? They usually bathe together.

Also today I had the ultimate experience in having a boy. I went to sit on the toilet and fell in!! He forgot to lower the lid, and it hurt! Tony is really good about leaving the seat down. The only time the seat is up is when we have other males at the house. I had to explain to him that he has to put the seat down so mommy doesn't break her back.

Well this is a boring entry.

I lied I just smoked again, but Tony's pay is seriously screwed up and I'm stressing. WHY right before Christmas? Ugh.



I'm trying hard not to cry. :(

Time to face the music.

I am a diabetic.

Ok? There I said it. I know that I have been for a long time now, and usually ignore it. I don't eat like I should, I don't take my meds like I should, and I definitely don't take my blood glucose levels like I should.

Oh sure, I've made little changes. I no longer eat ice cream every night, I don't snack on chips like I used to. I try to eat three meals a day instead of skipping. Etc etc etc. All of this has been enough to keep me feeling "right". I could tell when I've had to many carbs or too much sugar, and would usually cut back.

When we moved here, I went a little crazy food wise. I had been feeling so good for so long, that I just kinda fell back into old habits. I think it was comfort for awhile, being stressed out with the move and all that. Also, eating out so much didn't help me either. There was no way around that though, as we didn't have anything to cook with.

Lately, I have been starving on a continuous basis. I would eat, feel satisfied a whole of thirty minutes, and then be starving again. I knew this wasn't in my head when I tried to "hold off" only to get a headache from not eating. My body was trying to tell me "Hey something is extremely fucked up here"

Last night, as I sat here, starving, and eating popcorn, the only thing I could find in the house, I looked up info on diabetes etc. I found out that smoking raised blood sugar. I didn't know this. When I first found out I had it, I didn't smoke. Now I do.

This morning, I had my first morning cigarette later than usual. I wasn't feeling THAT hungry before going out there. I finished my cigarette, and right away, instant hunger. It made me think about it, and usually after eating, I would smoke.

So, today I quit.

Things to get done post haste.....

1. Figure out how to program my thermostat. It's one of those new fangled digital ones, and we've spent most of our time here freezing our asses off. Oh sure, it's fifty degrees outside, but the wind makes it feel like -100. The previous renters set it up to only kick on at 6 am and 6 pm, then locked the fucker. Thanks to the wonder of the internets, I was able to download the book for the thermostat, and at the very least unlock it so I can move the temp gage up and down willy nilly at whim. I'm trying not to let the power go to my head.

2. Find Thomas the Tank Engine DVD so my son will stop singing the damn theme song. It's now stuck in my head and I can't get it out. What is it about Thomas and his creepy faced friends that causes such euphoria in the under 10 set?

3. Work on Christmas cards. They've been sitting there for days now, and whenever I walk past them, I avoid eye contact like they were a bad one night stand, one in which involved bodily fluids that usually aren't associated with coitus*. Use your imagination on that one folks.

4. Pull money out of my ass to buy Christmas presents. This is the only logical explanation as to where it will come from, because the bank isn't giving away free money. No matter how many times I suggest they do so.

5. Figure out what I can do about my whole ripping myself a new asshole evertime I go to the bathroom thing. Every two days it feels like I'm giving birth... out of my butt. Or as Jonny has dubbed it... my poop deck.

6. Figure out how to make coffee count as water consumption. I wonder in what box my "Little Missus Chemistry Set" is being stored in.

7. Set up Christmas ornaments to give my son a little merry jolt everytime he touches one. Bright shiny objects! Must touch! He will make a good man some day.

8. Make up dumb boring list post and force people to read.


*To make sure I was using the word coitus correctly, I looked it up on the Merriam-Webster dictionary online, and found this pat little definition..
physical union of male and female genitalia accompanied by rhythmic movements They make sex sound so... cute! Like come on everbody let's do the coitus!

This is nice.

Here I sit, husband beside me, movie going. The Christmas tree is lit up. Dinner is done, and a machine is washing the dishes. The kids are quiet and I have a hot cup of coffee beside me. Life just doesn't get much better than this. Especially the machine washing the dishes part. I have periodically made out with my dishwasher on a regular basis since moving in.

I am 99% sure I am going to start my medical transcriptioning course after the first of the year. I am oddly excited about this. I am not opposed to working, but if I can do it in my pj's then hell yeah bitches, I'm all for that.

Aislinn has been enjoying her position as "new kid on the block". All weekend we had kids running in and out of our house. There are four kids her age that live all within a few doors away from each other. They have been over everyday since the second day of school. They all go home promptly at five. I never wanted to be the kid house, but if I am going to be the kid house, I honestly couldn't ask for better kids to track leaves into my living room. They are all SO polite and well mannered. They all run home to check in once an hour. We've walked them all home at one point or another to introduce ourselves to the parents so they know we're not weird goat worshippers or anything.

Aaaahh. That is the sigh of contentment.

The house is coming along... we put up all our pictures, and most the clutter is cleared away from the downstairs. The upstairs... we won't discuss that. We got the turtle set up in his tank, with a new heater, and lamp. Merry Christmas you little fucker.





Today, we took the kids out and did some browsing for a new tv. Unfortunately, you can't get a regular ole tv anymore it seems, and I'm cheap! I just want a regular old tv since ours bit the dust for the bedroom. We need two tv's. I am SO sick of watching Disney channel and Nick.





Oh and we got all our Christmas decorations up. We decided to skip the outdoor lights this year, since we got a late start on getting it all together. But, our tree is up, and our mantel is fixed up all perty.

That's the tree. For the life of me I could NOT get a good picture of it. But, you get the point. You've seen one tree you've seen em all right?

That's the mantel. I love it. It doesn't look like much in the picture, but it looks really cool in person. You can't really tell, but the candles are all lit.

Everything is coming together nicely. Now just to focus on the kids gifts. I haven't gotten either of them ONE single thing. Sigh.